Maintaining Me

Sigh

Kelly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:18:31 +0000

I am really missing coming here daily to check in. Well, I miss the old journals, but I sort of miss this too. (Speaking of old journals, has ANYONE ever received their file? Hmmph)

So, my furbaby has Adrenal Gland Disease which is very common in ferrets 3 years and older, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me. We are off the the Vet to discuss options on Saturday. There is surgery (very risky, very expensive) and medical management with meds (doesn’t cure it, but stops tumor growth and they can live the reminder of their life comfortably but not as long of a life as an un-infected ferret, and STILL expensive). No idea what we are going to do at this point. He is my sweetie, my little furbaby. He sleeps in my bed with me. He follows me downstairs each morning and patiently waits by the cabinet that houses his raisins for a treat. He is a mischevious little devil, but he is my baby. Sigh. I haven’t told the kids yet, and won’t, until I decide what treatment route I am going.

I have a weekend ALONE this weekend. Well, it is never a full weekend … but, about 42 hours alone. Saturday, I am up early for the vets and the afternoon I am taking the car in for new tires. In between, school work. At some point I’d like to see Full Moon or The Blind Side. And, just sit and soak in peace and quiet. Oh, and brave the lines at the supermarket for final shopping.

I just got home at 8 pm tonight. Work, then DS had an asthma check, home to feed kids, out to parent-teacher conferences … still haven’t eaten dinner but managed to eat crappy snacks while feeding them. Still have work to do, packing, showers, cleaning, then finally hit the books … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

HUGS!

Yelling at Fat Kelly

Kelly — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:26:34 +0000

I realize, even so many years after being in ‘maintenance mode’, Fat Kelly still exists within my head. There is a direct parallel between Fat Kelly, wrapping up each night with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and doritos, to maintenance Average Kelly, stuffing her face absentmindedly as she does school work, too consumed with Algebra to bother doing any recreational math such as counting calories.

I managed to polish off 2/3 a jar of Salsa Con Queso in the hour before dinner (and while cooking). Has anyone else actually eaten crushed up chips mixed with a little dip with a spoon, because they are too small to dip? Yup (hanging head) - guilty! And who are they kidding anyway? Salsa Con Queso is 99% Queso/1% Salsa - IF you can classify those few floating pcs of red whatever-it-is as salsa.

I keep telling myself after DS’s birthday party I will get back to normal. Normal GOOD me, not normal bad me. Hell, I am not sure which one is normal anymore? It is an excuse to indulge, anyway. When I tell myself I am starting after such-and-such event, or whatever date, it appeases the guilt and gives me permission to overeat when I shouldn’t be. I still have the guilt built in. Where does it come from? Anyway, I can remember in high school with MBFF or whatever she is now (we are still talking), we would say we are going on diets tomorrow and then go all out with bags of cheese doodles and rolls of tollhouse cookie dough. Those we baked, but sometimes we ate raw cake batter. And the next day? The diet never started.

In 2001 when Fat Kelly started, there was no cut off. There was no final meal to indulge in: I didn’t want it. I made up my mind, in the middle of a week no less, and just changed. There was no looking back. It was so different.

So, grow up Average Kelly. If they kids are fighting, an oreo doesn’t make that better. You don’t need to pick on snacks while you are cooking. You don’t need halloween candy every time you walk by the damn bowl. I mean, really, this is irresponsible and GROW the F UP. Yup, life is a little more stressful now. You have no time. You have no time for posting, exercising, hell - you don’t even have time for CLEANING half the time! So deal with it. You are going to college and this is what your dream always was. And your other dream - being healthy. Are you really going to give up one dream while pursuing another?

No. And there is no reason … no, no EXCUSE … to eat crap until after DS’s party. The party isn’t even for you. GROW UP.

Sick week

Kelly — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:24:59 +0000

I have been working at home alllllllllllll week. DS12 (13 tomorrow!) returned to school yesterday, and the twin’s fevers were winding down yesterday and have been gone, at this point, for about 24 hours. They are home still, but annoying the crap out of me and are RETURNING TO SCHOOL tomorrow. Weird, they had nothing but fevers all week. Today, they are at each other’s throats, so all is back to normal. :) Except I am stuck working at home still.

Luckily, my boss is on vacation so he doesn’t care where I work from, as long as I get my work done. Unfortunately, I was soooooooooooo looking forward to a week in the office without him to just get a LOT of stuff done, and that didn’t happen. Now I will just have tomorrow, and I will be frantically copying/filing/etc. all the paperwork I have done this week from home.

My writing class is winding down as that one was only 8 weeks, and I have gotten my grade which is an A. So listen to this … for our final assignment, we were assigned a topic and then we had to create a lesson plan on the topic, lecture/instruction, and activities , and then our classmates had to complete them. Well, my instructor told me that he is writing a new course in creative nonfiction for the Sept 2010 term, and asked if MY lesson plan could be part of his course! I wouldn’t get paid (lol) but my name would be there as the author. How cool is that? Not sure if it will ever pan out, but I was so flattered that he asked and thought it was good enough.

Food has been horrible. With the flu being in our house for one week now, I have cooked exactly one meal. Otherwise, I have been existing off of halloween candy. Yeah, not so good.

Tomorrow DS turns 13! He requested cheesecake, which I need to bake today, and chinese food. Of course. Tomorrow his school also announces the winner of the election, so we shall see if he has been named President.

I need to get some food in my system .. real food. Off to whip up egg beaters on an english muffin.

HUGS!

Does your brain have a max capacity?

Kelly — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:13:07 +0000

Because I swear I am at it. I just logged in and typed my user name as my first name (which it is) and my password as my last name. On a phone call at work, I said three things in response to things an employee DIDN’T say … like, You’re Welcome before they said thanks, oh, and when we said hello I said, “Good!!!!” as if he had asked me how I was …. when he didn’t. See? Losing it!

Water has been better and I have been cutting down on the coffee lately. Well, I still have my 3 am cups, but I am not drinking it all day.

I spent the entire - I mean ENTIRE - day Saturday working on a research paper. I literally had toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I forced myself to get out for a couple hours Sunday (but I admit to thinking about how much I could have been accomplishing at home).

I only have 2 weeks of one of my courses left, and then it drops down to two classes. That will be a relief, although the one ending is my favorite and probably the best grade too. And it is NOT my most time consuming, so I won’t see a huge increase in free time.

What else … what else. DS12 is turning 13 in 19 days. He is having a movie themed party, so this weekend I am making the invites and I already ordered the paper goods. There will be lots of movie foods and DVDs and his friends, and he is happy with that because he is far too cool for an organized party at a party place of any sort, lol. So ‘hanging out’ is the cool thing to do. I am still making cute popcorn bag invitations with the info printed on the “popcorn” inside, hehehehe. Hey, I have to have some fun somehow!

Okay, back to algebra …

I hate Pi … and not the food

Kelly — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:05:03 +0000

I am still having nightmares about algebra.

I have a weird headache that is sort of radiating from the top of my head and wrapping its way around the sides. I hope I am not getting sick … I have a field trip to chaperone, two papers to write, and it is Open Enrollment time. Blech.

Tomorrow is apple picking with the kids. DD6 thinks it is a fashion show instead of a farm … she wanted to wear a dress and was angry when I wouldn’t let her, then she picked out a complete (inappropriate) outfit complete with matching jewelry. Weather is supposed to be lousy, which is my perfect reason to get her to change outfits again.

Okay, DD just came behind me and asked, “Why did you write tomorrow is apple picking with the kids?” Lmao! Well, I guess I now need to watch what I write as well as what I say.

Food has been okay, but not exercise since the couple workouts I got in last week.

DD joined gymnastics. I am so thrilled that she is into something that includes physical activity.

Work is lousy lately … I have always loved what I do, and never dreaded it or just felt like it was a “job to pay the bills”, but lately it is just blah. Maybe that is because I am more invested in school right now, I don’t know. I think also the reality of healthcare during open enrollment - how it just gets worse and worse - is sinking in. I really hate how much the premiums are.

Okay … feeling nauseous now. Boy I hope this isnt an illness.

Here again

Kelly — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 23:20:27 +0000

2 days in a row? Unbelievable!

Did my Firm Kick last night, just did Firm Cardio Overdrive (25 min express version, all I could squeeze in). 10 minutes until my next conference call, then a shower, then back to schoolwork.

DVRing Greys … again.

Hmmph

Kelly — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:10:55 +0000

Funny that “Little Debbie” can make you so fat. I don’t even like the crap, but if I have it in the house, I will eat it.

Wow, am I really here? On a Wednesday? At 6 pm? No, I don’t have free time. I am simply avoiding doing slope intercept equations for Algebra class. I am actually going to workout tonight. Really. I am doing a little more math, then at 6:30 I am going to do my Firm Kickboxing. Tomorrow, no gym, I have another oddly timed conference call right at 7:30. I am going to attempt to fit in some exercise before that, somehow. Three papers due this weekend, but two are in final draft mode which is a relief. The other one isn’t, and shocker, that one is for Algebra. What the hell kind of two page paper do you write on linear equations anyway?

I swear, this will be a breeze as long as math isn’t involved.

I am sick of Global Climate Change also. Yes we are all going to hell, the ice is melting and things are changing and the US Govt doesn’t care. There, I just taught the 15 week class in eight seconds.

Food. Awful! Today … what did I eat today? Oh, okay, here it is:

Half a pumpkin donut while cooking my egg beaters for breakfast
Egg beaters on english
Tortilla fish LC
2 dark choc squares
10 cheez its, 2 pretzel nuggets, one oreo
Dinner … homemade orange chicken, rice, broccoli
After dinner, slightly less than one serving Haagen Daaz ice cream (you don’t even believe I have this in my house, do you? R brought it, sigh) and a Big Debbie cupcake (I officially refuse to call them little). Well, they aren’t BIG in size but big in chemicals, fat and calories.

There is my day before your eyes.

Okay, twenty more minutes of algebra, then workout, shower, then about 2 more hours of algebra before bed.

Good morning!

Kelly — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:50:10 +0000

Monday morning. A new, fresh week. I need a new attitude. I spent the weekend working on tons of work, taking a ”break” to do two hours or yard work, more school work, taking another break for food shopping and vacuuming and laundry. So, I was feeling sorry for myself. A true pity party. Well, whatever. I have to suck it up and move on.

I DID manage to get out of the house for a few hours to check out the festival in our village and then go over to the new Walkway over the Hudson, and we walked that (2.5 miles round trip). We had a really nice time. It is a big deal here, history. Very cool.

So guess what? This week I am holding four conference calls with my employees to go over preparing for the flu season, avoiding transmission, and the company leave policy. 280 people I have to educate, and I am sick. Yup, hacking away. What do I do? I can’t believe this. The first call is tonight (have to do some evenings for off shift employees) and I am hoping for a miracle by then, lmao! Yesterday I woke up with a huge headache and just feeling awful, which added to my pity party. Sigh.

Today is work, therapy, dinner, conference call, kids in bed, schoolwork.

Tomorrow is work, dinner, gymnastics, schoolwork

Wednesday is work, dinner, EXERCISE, schoolwork

Thursday is work, dinner, spend some time with kids, conference call

Food needs to be better this week. NEEDS to be.

So sorry!

Kelly — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 18:36:05 +0000

I knew I would be short on time once school started, but I grossly underestimated how much work this was actually going to be. 8 hours of work + 4 to 6 hours schoolwork every single day + single mom of 3 = 0 time.

O M G … I am even doing algebra in my journals! Someone call 911!

I am managing. I am getting good grades, and kids are happy, and mom is happy, and that is all that matters. I haven’t been exercising, clearly … and I was afraid this was going to happen. The once or twice a week I have managed to exercise, I feel guilty doing it thinking that I could be spending some much needed quality time with the kids or getting some school work done. I’ve not watched TV, except VERY late night catch up on Greys and DHW that I DVRed. Thank you cablevision for DVR!

CFF tells me I need to start DRVing Cougar town … apparently one of them reminds her of me? Yikes. I can only imagine. I may be sorry I announced that, I don’t even know who she is talking about.

Kids are good. All are home this weekend so I am attempting to get ahead (ha!) so that we can take a break Saturday afternoon. There are TWO local fall festivals, plus the Walkway over the Hudson is opening - world’s longest pedestrian bridge - and we want to take a peek. DS12 is running for class president. Twins are enjoying 1st grade. At work I am working hard at pandemic planning, that is always a joy. Last week I had a very informative HR conference in Manhattan that was a lot of fun. I am weird … I think it is fun to put on a suit and be important for a day. The Employee Relations Mgr of COACH was there! But I couldn’t find him! Sigh.

Nothing else to add. I need to start eating better to compensate for my ass sitting in a chair at my desk for so many hours.

Forgot today’s date

Kelly — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:13:28 +0000

Good evening ladies. Where to start?

Every moment of my day is earmarked for something, I have NO downtime whatsoever. And I thought I was busy before? Pfft! I’m still enjoying college very much, but the classes are sooo time consuming. Which I knew, I just figured I would magically work it out somehow. And I will.

I ate like, horrendously this weekend. Not quantity, just quality. Or lack there of. 5 Guys, cheescake, etc. Did a lot of school work, finished week 1 in one piece. I did take a break on Saturday to take the kids on a hike, and another on Sunday to take them to an orchard/farm. I managed to consume a hot dog, 3 cider donuts (small, but STILL! argh) and most of a pc of pumpkin pie there. Geez.

I just finished Get Chiseled. I just had to tell myself some things can wait, I need to exercise. And I did. Go me! But tomorrow I have work, schoolwork, and a board meeting, AND prepping for Wednesday… Wed is a short day at work because I am driving down to pick up my mom so she can watch kids for me Thurs; Thursday is an HR Conference in Manhattan … so, 14 hour day there … Friday, work, taking kids to city, and home Saturday where I will do schoolwork the remainder of the weekend.

Oh yeah, I suppose somewhere in there I need to find time to shower, laundry, clean house, cook, etc.

I am a little sad tonight … just thinking of CFF and not missing her specifically (that itself is pretty sad) but just missing the fact that I had someone I considered a BFF for so many years, since I was a kid … and not having that anymore. Well, I have SBFF and she is wonderful, but there is distance between us (physical, lol) and it isn’t the same. I don’t really have any close girlfriends here. Not that I have spare time either, I guess. But it is sort of sad. It hit me that we do trick or treating together every year .. and what if we don’t this year? How do I explain that to my kids? I guess that is what I am afraid of more … I don’t want them to suffer because of our broken friendship. We still IM here or there, but it isn’t the same.

Okay, I am glad I made myself check in. Need to shower. No more food tonight. I need to plan the rest of the week. This isn’t a good week … breakfast and lunch at the conference Thurs, and dinner on the way home, then Friday also dinner out at night and Saturday (staying at R’s, coming home Sat).

I am rambling and all over the place. It feels nice to just write without obsessing over details like essays … lol