I would have been a new aunt again, sort of.  Today XH called to share the news that his sister is pregnant with her first.  I swear, I already knew.  Last weekend the kids were over and they went on rides which XSIL didn’t go on, and XSIL was resting in bed at like 8 pm when I spoke with her, saying how tired she was and how she didn’t know how I did it - and I would have bet money that she was pregnant.  Just 3 mos along so she is finally telling people.  I am happy for her.  The kids are so excited to be “big cousins” … they only have one other true cousin, my brother’s daughter, who lives in Florida and they have only met one time.  I am also a little sad … new baby, not really my family anymore and XSIL and I don’t have the greatest relationship.  We get along just fine, but in the end regardless of who did what wrong, her loyalty lies with her brother.  I can imagine the crap he spun about me anyway to get people to feel bad for him and to justify cheating … well, I don’t need to imagine, I already know, but that’s another story.

Therapy yesterday was the best ever.  I left feeling really good.  I think now she is finally talking to me more - at first it was just me going on and on and her listening, nodding, taking notes … now we are really getting into things and discussing things and she is giving me ideas and things to do, ways to handle things, etc.  My awareness level has grown so much from what it used to be, things I do as “protective measures”, these behaviors I have … I used to think they were justified and now I realize they are just defense mechanisms and I can realize that WHILE I am doing them.  Now I just have to learn how to stop, lol, which will be a lifelong process.  We did a little of the “ideal parent” scenario she wants me to work on too, which was a little sad.  After dinner, I put my ipod on and sat on the back patio and let myself grieve a little over an incident I recalled at therapy.  I didn’t ignore feelings to get things done inside, I didn’t feel guilty sitting on the patio instead of doing laundry, dishes, or a workout.  I just let myself be, and it was good.

I also had a very good - though very hard - conversation with R later that evening.  Some things my therapist told me I really needed to share, and I did it.  At first I felt worse during, and a little after, sharing them … but this morning I woke up feeling very good about it, and a little freed, realizing that I cannot control or manipulate the situation.  I can be honest and just let God handle it and take it away, I need to let go of things.

Whew.  Heavy stuff, even if it might not make sense here, lmao!

Today, today, today … umm, working, working on cleaning out DS room, paying some bills, and Firm DVD.  Btw, today I WI (mid-Tom) and was down a half a pound.  I swear it has to do with the Firm, lol!

Today’s Food:

  • Breakfast: PB&J on multigrain english muffin, coffee
  • Snack: Peach or Banana
  • Lunch: LC Tortilla Crusted Fish
  • Snack: Other pc of fruit
  • Dinner: Light hot dogs on the grill, veggies, unsure of other side

Exercise: Firm DVD or Yoga class, or both?  Nah, probably not.

Okay, will return to comment in a bit.  Have a fabulous day!