Yesterday MBFF and I had a HUGE blowout - online - lol.  She made a remark and I just lost it.  Her mother controls her every move (she goes to therapy for this), but it is clear to me that MBFF tries to transfer that same relationship onto us, meaning she tries to be the controlling one with me.  Then she uses stupid excuses like, “I just want better for you than I have.”   What??  I get that she is unhappy and doesn’t want me to be unhappy, but I am sick of her making me feel bad and guilting me into things.  I can’t go into everything going on in her life, even though you guys don’t “know” her, I still don’t feel it is anonymous enough.  But if you knew, ha, how hilarious this all was … what a hypocrite she is … it’s just crazy.  I am done.  I have had enough.  I will not listen to her crap anymore, I will not allow her to make me feel bad.  I can’t live to please her.  I shouldn’t lose the joy in things because in the back of my mind I know MBFF doesn’t approve.  I don’t even feel that way about my own mother!!  And I think she is dead wrong … five years after my divorce she STILL gives me shit about allowing my older son to have a relationship with XH’s family!  They have been his family since he was 20 months old, they have ALWAYS treated him like their own flesh and blood, do you know how damaging it would be to DS for me to cut all ties because of what XH did?  I am not going to ‘get revenge’ on XH by hurting my own son!  It’s ridiculous.  She can make her own decisions regarding her kids, she can’t make mine.  Anyway, this is not what the blow out was about, but just an example of what I go through.  So now, everyyyyyyy time DS visits XH’s family, she STILL gets pissy about it.  Get over it.  She has so much - SO MUCH - going on in her life that she needs to focus on, it is like she fixates on mine to avoid hers, does that make sense? 

It felt good to say what I had to say, though I am still a little hurt by some of the other things she said.  Moving on.

Kickboxing draggggggggged on last night.  Probably part mental, knowing that this is the last exercising until Sunday, and being that I worked out so many days in a row, etc.  Well it wasn’t THAT many, but still, lol.  Anyway, I did it.  Sweated.  Food was okay yesterday.  During the day it was great, but late at night I got the munchies and had 3 wheat thins, 5 cocoa roast almonds, 4 or 5 mini pretzels, and a packet of Toaster Strudel icing, lol!  It was just a few small snacky things that I didn’t need.  WI today was 150 even again.  Even with the snacks, I was at 1300 calories for the day, which is where I have been pretty much all week.  Let me tell you, it SUCKS to eat 1200-1300 calories a day, workout each day, and still not lose weight.  Grrr.  But I definitely do look better, clothes are fitting better again.  :)

Today’s Food:

  • Breakfasat: Nothing was appealing to me, so I had two pcs of wheat toast, coffee
  • Lunch: Turkey on Honey Wheat
  • Snacks: Banana
  • Dinner:  Out in NYC

Goal today is to have a good time, eat some of what I want without going crazy.  Tomorrow, too.

Excited about shopping day with mom tomorrow!!!!!!