I am so screwed up with this past holiday weekend … I keep forgetting the day and I keep thinking it is already (or almost) June, and June isn’t until next week!
It’s almost 9 pm and I am just now getting some time to myself for the first time today, although honestly, my kitchen is a disaster area and I have PLENTY of laundry to fold, etc.  HOWEVER - it won’t kill me, and I am letting that sit aside so I can write a bit.  Today I was swamped at work, and then the DD6 came home with a note saying, “If you volunteered to bring cookies tonight to the Authors Tea, please bring them!”  Well, of COURSE *I* volunteered to bake cookies, but they never notified us who was chosen to bring something until that slip of paper this afternoon!  So I whipped up a batch of raspberry almond thumbprints, the only cookie I had every ingredient in stock to make.  Then whipped up dinner, got DD6 showered and dressed up, ate, and decided that one cookie wasn’t enough so I made another batch of cookies - this time oatmeal minus raisins because I didn’t have any (with 25 minutes left on the clock!).  THEN, After baking them all, I decided those were too plain to bring so I dumped them all over the kitchen counter where they still sit.  I am crazy.  Can we say overachiever?  Sigh. 
 
Work is still frustrating after my boss’ new promotion.  He needs his head to be slightly deflated.  In the middle of all of my own duties, plus starting to work on my next big project, he decided he wants me to be able to access his Lotus Notes calendar to view, edit, manage etc.  Don’t ask me why he can’t do it himself.  Suddenly his title changes slightly and the world comes tumbling down.  For the record: HIS RESPONSBILITIES HAVE NOT CHANGED.  The only change is who he reports to!  His own boss was sort of demoted.  And I don’t have TIME to mess around with his calendar!  I AM NOT HIS SECRETARY.  There is nothing wrong with secretaries, but I am NOT one!  And this drives me insane because I am not going to put aside my projects that are important to me … if I have time, great, I am all for it.  But I see this becoming a bigger problem down the road.
 
Exercise has been non-existent.  Except for yardwork and hiking, I didn’t go to the gym this weekend.  I honestly wouldn’t have been able to if I wanted to Sat - Mon, I haven’t even had the time to SIT!  BUT Tuesday night (last night? lol) I could have went, and I didn’t.  I spent a lot of time thinking, making excuses, and feeling shitty.  Then I called my insurance to see what my coverage was like for therapy because it isn’t exactly laid out in plain english in our SPDs, and found out the copays do not apply but coinsurance does so I have to pay percentages.  I got my pre-authorization and a list of LCSW and psychologists, etc. and narrowed it down to a couple who have expertise in the areas I need it most.  I called two, left messages for both, and only one called me back but was gone again once I was home for work so we are playing phone tag.  She doesn’t have evening hours, which is not good, so I am going to have to find time to call from work and then figure out when I can make it because I can’t go during work every single week.  (I could probably go DAILY and have enough to talk about for the next year.  And I don’t know if this will help … my mother and aunt both spent years in therapy, and, well … let’s just say I am not impressed, lmao!).  As it is, it is going to cost a lot of $.  But ignoring things or pretending nothing has affected me isn’t exactly cutting it for me, so I need to do something.  I need to take a look at the Dr list again and make more phone calls.  I can feel myself slipping back into the shell of that unhappy girl who spent her evenings with a bag of doritos and a huge bowl of ice cream.  God, I don’t want to be that girl.
 
Oh, and tonight - no exercise.  To be totally honest, I didn’t want to go anyway so when I remembered DD’s Authors Tea, I was so relieved to have a real excuse.  Pretty pitiful.  I am conflicted - I owe it to myself to be healthy and fit, but on the other hand, I shouldn’t feel SO bad when I don’t go that it causes me such guilt.  Please spare me the speeches on getting out there and doing it, I KNOW. 
 
Did anyone catch that new show on A & E “Obsessed”?  Omg!!  I LOVE Intervention, one of the BEST shows on TV I think, and I think this new show will be right up there.  How sad was it that this woman actually had a compulsion to wear her dead father’s bloody clothes he was killed in?  It was really heartbreaking.  I was so happy for her when she burned them and drove her kids to the beach.  Isn’t it amazing the way the human mind works?  For us, or for me at least, the thought of putting on clothes with dried blood is just, well, horrifying.  But she just HAD to do it. 
 
My mother emailed R today to see how he was doing.  They have exchanged emails, mostly jokes and forwards, in the past.  He closed the account.  Yikes!  Lol!  In a way, that is good.  It took a while … a long while … for him to understand I was done with the relationship.  It just saddens me that he cannot be just friends with me, but my MBFF thinks I am being unfair by expecting to ever be friends.  Sometimes people just can’t go back to that, I guess.
 
Oh, and XH called me today like we are best friends.  He got an apartment somewhere far away in New Jersey.  Nice, huh?  I said so I guess it doesn’t matter to you that you will never see your children.  He says we will continue the same schedule as we have been and he will just stay at his mothers house while the kids are in NYC with them.  That’s okay for the next few months, but then his sister and mother are moving to NJ also!  Buying a house.  Sooooooooo then what?  What person who cares at all about their children voluntarily moves 3 hours away from them?  NOT even for work, because now he has to commute to work too!  No sense in getting all worked up about it.  It is what it is, I can’t change that.  I can only be the mother my children need.
 
Food today was bad.  Well, it was great until I got home.  All downhill from the cookie baking and ‘refreshments’ at the school.
 
I need a long, hot shower.  Then I have to dive into housework.  I was aiming to be in bed by 10:30, doesn’t look like that is happening!