The day I realized some things never change

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“If you really want to lose, you’ll find a way, and if you don’t want to, you’ll find an excuse. It’s up to you.”

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to change. I just looked over my old blogs and it’s been almost a year, yes a year, since I joined the gym. granted I DO go, just not as much as I imagined I would. I DO eat better, just not as good as I thought I would. Lately I haven’t been hating myself QUITE as much as I have the past two years, but I am just fed up with myself. Fed up with how I look, fed up with my laziness, fed up with the extreme back pain and the way I’ve become shy. I’m not shy. What the hell?!? As I balance my computer on my leg and half on the pregnant belly (I’m not pregnant) I am just SICK and tired. So now instead of just buying the healthy food and letting it go bad I actually have to eat it.. and actually do those in office exercises on days where I work and know I won’t be able to make it to the gym. I have to make myself confront my problems head on, because to the bitter end I am an avoider. I simply avoid problems and expect them to just go away.. Well, that ploy didn’t work with my bills and it’s not working with this either. So I’m going to try to hold to it this time. Now every time I eat my old favorite fast food I feel so depressed after and fat and hate myself, so I’m thinking my body is finally ready for the change too. I bought some “diet pills” that won’t really work as a miracle drug but I have heard that it reduces appetite and boosts energy, and I’m in desperate need of energy. It’s called Apidexin, comes with a 100% guarantee (minus shipping of course) so I’ll give it a go and hope that it will make some kind of change, even if only mentally putting me in a good place. You know, placebo affect.

I’m feeling like it’s all or nothing, if I don’t lose the weight and get healthy now I never will. and never being healthy is one bleak future that I’m not prepared to accept.

and on that note, off to the gym.. even though I’m exhausted from my 12 hour shift. sigh.