the day i said tomorrow

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So, today for “breakfast” I had a little bag of chips and some soda. Because, you see, I start my diet tomorrow. Well tomorrow is my birthday, so saturday.. But saturday is my after birthday birthday, which means ill start my diet on sunday. Ill start to save my life later.

I can’t possibly start exercising now, because I don’t know where my ipod is. I work 12 hour days, so I just don’t have the time. My career gets in the way, “its not my fault”. How many times have I shrugged off getting myself fit because of these very excuses?

My phone calender alarm went off today. Its my 6 month “anniversary”. I should be at my goal weight today. I made a pledge to myself months ago to exercise and eat right.
Since that day I have *gained* 27 pounds. 27. I should be celebrating my success, but instead I’m putting an arm around my stomach when I sit down, and I’m wishing it were winter again so that I wouldn’t have to deal with shorts and bathing suits.

A man died in his hall today. He was so big that he fell into the doorway and got stuck. The shame he must have felt being so fat that he was wedged in the doorway, unable to move. Picturing the firemen having to break open his doorframe so the coronor can get to him, and pronounce him dead from cheetos.

That happened TODAY. Not tomorrow, not next sunday. The bad effects are happening now, but I’m not curing it until later.

Still, knowing all this, I’m starting on sunday.

I made the list of work outs and of groceries to buy. I’m swearing off soda and fried food, and my work outs are 5 days a week.

I should be more like nike, and Just do it.

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*****TO MY BLOG and fellow bloggers!- a little accountability would be wonderful. All my friends are roughly 100 pds wet, and don’t get how much being overweight impacts everything. Because, when we are honest with ourselves, it does. I would absolutely love to go through this journey together! I’m slowly learning about the blogging process, what linking is and all that.

*** I’d love for us to support each other! We all battle something, even if it has nothing to do weight ***

the day I ate a skinny chick

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Sitting at my console at work I reach down to touch my neck, but my chin gets in the way. I’ve always had a hint of a double chin (when turned a certain way or in awkward pictures), but I now have an actualization of a double chin. My shirts have always clung a bit awkwardly to my stomach, but I could wave that away with claims of “its bloating from my period” or “oops had a big lunch”. Now I resemble my friend sarah.. Who happens to be 7 months pregnant.

Being a tall kind of chunky girl has faded away to being a fat girl. My being tall was an asset when I was just chunky, but now that I’ve descended into fat its working against me. I feel like an amazon, a behemoth.

I have stretchmarks covering my thighs, hips, breasts, butt, and now stomach.. And I’ve never had a child. Its my birthday in 2 days, and the excitment I felt faded the moment I realized that going out would mean another night out with my skinny friends. I’m single, not because men aren’t interested but because I’m not interested in myself. I’m too insecure about myself, and that causes insecurities with men. I get comments like “how independent you are!” And “you don’t even need a man, I wish I were more like you” but in reality, I yearn to be touched but am terrified to repulse a man as much as I repulse myself.

The thing is, I don’t feel like a fat chick until I look in a mirror. I feel thin and beautiful. I can flirt with any guy and feel confident, until I touch myself or look down.

How did I come to this?

I’m tipping the scales from fat to just about obese. Hopefully I can make a healthy change before I fall farther…