Hello there beautiful people!
So I am moving houses again. I think. Scared to stay and scared to leave? Oh yes. I have been feeling VERY unsettled lately, I attribute a large part of that to my… largeness. Although I am less large now than I used to be! I am the tortoise in this race, not the hare, but at least I’m IN the race and not sitting in the stands cheering it on. I’ve been really into metaphors lately.
Went back to school (ouch), am still working full-time. Still am not loving my location aka las vegas, but maybe as my insolation (aka chunk) gets to be less and less I will be able to tolerate the heat more. It does make it harder to work out outdoors, something about running in 120 degrees (not even exaggerating) is less than appealing. Oh hello my old friend the excuse! I am thinking I will adopt a dog from the pound and then I will have to go running. And we can go to the lake and swim our little hearts out. and I will have a buddy that will never leave me. Plus it’s legal to microchip them so if she DOES leave me I can track her down in a totally legally stalkerish type way… “don’t ever leave me! Because I’d find you..” (- wedding crashers)
I’m kind of seeing someone. Well, ok. I AM seeing someone. In a relationship apparently. But I feel terribly about it because I don’t think I’ll want to be in it when I am finished with this personal journey. I told the person that I am a flight risk and not sure what I want or will want. So I guess I am at least honest… and they are just getting out of a long term relationship themselves so maybe they are OK with this just being a short term thing too. Healing each other. I guess not everyone has to be “the one”.
So I hate that my friends can post pictures of me on FB. And I hate that I still look like I do. I was doing so good felt really great and then saw the pictures from yesterday and WOW do I have far to go still!!! It makes me never want to eat again. And it makes me want to eat a big cheeseburger. and never leave my house again, at least until I look better. dangit!!! I’m so EMBARRASSED that I let myself go like this. I just need to let this be the push to keep me going instead of letting it bring me down.. I still have to figure out how to do that. Oh god. My face is SO FREAKING FAT I can’t even handle it. and I actually felt confident yesterday! looking like I do! WTF is wrong with me.
Tell you what though, I can’t wait to work out after work!
Sorry that this is such a downer I’m just feeling overwhelmed by how gross I am.
Saw this on 3fc and it was such an inspiration I wanted to share it with anyone who happens across my page
One Year From Now
One thing I can absolutely promise you without a doubt, is that time will pass. 24 hours from now will be tomorrow. 7 days will be a week later. 365 days from now, a year will have past. This part is certain. What isn’t certain is what your life will be like then. The next year will pass in its own time the same way the past year has gone by. The question is - what do you want to be doing/feeling one year from now?
You can decide that the amount you have to lose is too daunting and will never happen and give up. That is a choice that you can make. Think about the consequences of that. Your life will be much like it is right now. You will probably be having the same emotional feelings about your weight and your past year will be filled with happy moments and sad ones just like this previous year.
Or, you can decide right now that you want to start today and make one healthy choice after another. Each choice gives your body nutrients it needs to build healthier organ functions and strong muscles. Even before you see results on the scale, you will feel better because your body is functioning better. I can’t promise you that you’ll be at goal weight or that you will have even lost a lot of weight, but I can promise that if you spend the next year making healthy choices you will feel better than you do today and will be well on your way to getting to goal. You will have learned what works for you and what doesn’t and you will have tackled some of the emotional issues that keep us overweight. This journey is about more than losing weight. It’s about self-discovery. That isn’t something you can “gain back.” I can’t promise that your year will be void of sadness and nothing but pure elation. It won’t be. I would predict that you’ll find that when you learn to deal with the ups and downs of life in non-food and self-destructive ways, you will handle them better and your self-esteem will skyrocket.
So, the next year will pass regardless of what choice you make. The question is do you want to look back and thank yourself for starting today and allowing yourself to feel better and be healthier or do you want to look back and wish you had started?
Or to some that all up (and as my mother would say) - You’re gonna be a year old anyways, where do you want to be?
This week for the first time someone who didn’t know I was trying to get healthy commented on the fact that it’s noticeable that I’ve lost weight I’m so thrilled. I have finally reached over 10% body fat gone! I have so much more to go but I feel like I have overcome large hurdles already. My diet is absolutely 100% better. I finished my first 5k mud run. I almost died, but I finished it. Today instead of getting fast food on the way home I stopped at fresh and easy and got organic healthy food. I haven’t even been craving soda for the past few weeks. I can see my jawline again. I almost (almost) feel pretty again sometimes. I see the potential to be/look/feel special again. I have hope, which I’m hoping will help me soar to being healthy.
<3 I find myself impatient for results because it feels like it’s taking forever.. but I’m closer today than I was last week and that’s something special and something no one can take from me.
Special thanks to laura1562 for telling me about the other option on beach body. Just ordered turbo fire! Very excited to start the new program.
So I found out about something called the tough mudder. Basically you pay to be thrown in the mud and electrified. It looks like fun! Well, the big military guys in the video look like they are having fun anyways -_- I want to do it! It’ll be here in Vegas in October. So I did the calculations- I could be well into onederland by then and able to kick butt!
Now the part that makes me want to bury myself in the mud…
Or better yet, shove other peoples faces in the mud-
Some of the guys at work are doing it. They are working hard to talk the hot (aka skinny) girls to do it with them. Guess who didn’t get asked to do it even though I totally want to? Yeah. Now I know what it felt like to be not asked to the prom or picked for dodgeball, apparently it doesn’t get better once you’re out of school! Plus one of the girls looks and acts exactly like I did before the weight gain. Because I know these guys like me as a person (eye roll) I don’t blame them for not wanting to hang out with the fat girl, but it still hurts. I’m a “nice girl with a pretty face”. awesome. shoot me now (:
So as much as I’d like to see the mud ruin their perfect fake eyelashes…
It is my own fault. I let myself get this way and I don’t feel beautiful so my personality changes and becomes withdrawn. I’m all done being the token fat friend and am so ready for this to be an unpleasant memory.
Well, I decided against using the pills that I had mentioned in my previous post since I believe it should be a natural loss, I want to be proud of every pound I lose and not attribute anything to some pill I take.
In other news I joined weight watchers two weeks ago and am so far down 7.4 pounds! It’s working for me so far, I am proud of myself for the first time since I can remember. I lapsed a little bit this week, going back to my old ways while on vacation in Florida, but I managed to catch myself and am back on track. I love the accountability and that it helps me get back on track.
The gym is still a bit allusive for me, I haven’t gone at all this week but I did go for a long walk by the lake in Florida. I’ve been thinking about doing power 90 or p90x, since on my work days I don’t have the tenacity to make it to the gym. My roommate has a punching bag in our spare room so I have been considering youtubeing some boxing exercises and doing those.
I read about mini goals on the forums and they seem to help so here are mine-
total weight ; total weight lost - percentage
Starting weight - 259 pds
Current weight- 251 pds
*every mini goal met gets either a show here in vegas OR a mini road trip!*
246; 13 pds - this is my 5%
234; 25 pds - this is my 10%
221 ; 38 pds - this is my 15%
208; 51 pds - this is my 20%
Onederland- My personal favorite goal. back to where I said I would never get bigger than.
*Every mini goal met now gets shopping*
195; 64 pds - this is my 25%
182; 77 pds - this is my 30%
169; 90 pds - this is my 35%
159- 100 pds lost!!!! Re-evalutate goal to see if I want to keep losing
156;103 pds - this is my 40%
If I lose a steady 2 pds a week I will have reached my goal by this time next year. That seems like forever but if I had started getting serious about it when I started this blog I would already be there.. Can’t let another year go by.
“If you really want to lose, you’ll find a way, and if you don’t want to, you’ll find an excuse. It’s up to you.”
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to change. I just looked over my old blogs and it’s been almost a year, yes a year, since I joined the gym. granted I DO go, just not as much as I imagined I would. I DO eat better, just not as good as I thought I would. Lately I haven’t been hating myself QUITE as much as I have the past two years, but I am just fed up with myself. Fed up with how I look, fed up with my laziness, fed up with the extreme back pain and the way I’ve become shy. I’m not shy. What the hell?!? As I balance my computer on my leg and half on the pregnant belly (I’m not pregnant) I am just SICK and tired. So now instead of just buying the healthy food and letting it go bad I actually have to eat it.. and actually do those in office exercises on days where I work and know I won’t be able to make it to the gym. I have to make myself confront my problems head on, because to the bitter end I am an avoider. I simply avoid problems and expect them to just go away.. Well, that ploy didn’t work with my bills and it’s not working with this either. So I’m going to try to hold to it this time. Now every time I eat my old favorite fast food I feel so depressed after and fat and hate myself, so I’m thinking my body is finally ready for the change too. I bought some “diet pills” that won’t really work as a miracle drug but I have heard that it reduces appetite and boosts energy, and I’m in desperate need of energy. It’s called Apidexin, comes with a 100% guarantee (minus shipping of course) so I’ll give it a go and hope that it will make some kind of change, even if only mentally putting me in a good place. You know, placebo affect.
I’m feeling like it’s all or nothing, if I don’t lose the weight and get healthy now I never will. and never being healthy is one bleak future that I’m not prepared to accept.
and on that note, off to the gym.. even though I’m exhausted from my 12 hour shift. sigh.
First an update from my previous post- yes my ex came to town, yes I saw him, yes he said I looked hot and that some other girl was too skinny for him. And no I don’t believe a word of it.
Today I joined a different gym. Normally I go to the standard 24 hour fitness ‘family’ gym, but now I am a 2 year contracted no getting out of it even if I die member of Las Vegas Athletic Club. Did I mention I live in sin city?? Where everything is 24 hours, full service, and naked. Just like this gym. I have the strong belief that every tiny dancing stripper and muscle headed, ed hardy wearing, douchey man works out there. and by works out I mean does 5 reps and goes to “rest” in front of the mirror while lifting their shirts to preen, similar to the capuchin monkey during mating season. Not that the girls wear shirts, sports bras seem to be more than enough clothing and allows for optimal preening. Evolution has yet to transpire.
On the plus side it’s great motivation. Also there is a pool, jacuzzi, steam and dry hot rooms (coed and womens only), smoothie and healthy food area, actual track circling the second floor with glass so you can see outside, women’s only section that appears to be empty late at night, more equipment than any person would ever need, and it’s CHEAP.
Still, this is the only gym where I have seen someone fix their make up on the treadmill. Really?
After a particularly depressing few months without a laptop, I bought a new one. A sleek and gorgeous apple. I’m still trying to figure out how to do a blogroll/ “link” to other blogs. I’ll figure it out one of these days.
Speaking of apples, I haven’t eaten one in months. note to self, add to the grocery list. apples.
My “ex” will be in town this weekend and I am absolutely dreading seeing him. We were together during my a-little-thick-but-still-sexy phase. Now that my face resembles a pumpkin I just want to slip into a moo moo and hide in a dark room. I find myself wondering if I can lose, say, 50 pounds by the weekend. He, of course, will just smile and make some remark about loving thick women and how the girl who just flirted with him right in front of me (since I must be just a friend, right?) resembles a stick. But how can he love my body when I can’t even love it myself?
I am considering picking up overtime so that he won’t see me like this.
Does weight effect everyone like this? I am still shocked at how much my personality has changed. I used to be sparkling and confident.. Now I don’t want to go out and I avoid mirrors like the plague. Every time my friends complain because they had to wear their “fat” jeans (size 4) I want to go home and get back into bed. and then there’s sex.. which I won’t get into now, but it has lost quite a bit of appeal on my end. It shouldn’t be like this. I used to say “why complain? just change it if you don’t like it!” But really, it’s not that easy. Or maybe it is..
I’m happy to say I’ve given up jack in the box (my fav fast food, which is to be blamed for the dreaded “back fat” I have lately been gifted with) and go to the gym at least once a day. Granted I don’t always do very much at the gym, but I do make an appearance. No weight lost yet but I haven’t gained any either, so I guess thats a step.
So, today for “breakfast” I had a little bag of chips and some soda. Because, you see, I start my diet tomorrow. Well tomorrow is my birthday, so saturday.. But saturday is my after birthday birthday, which means ill start my diet on sunday. Ill start to save my life later.
I can’t possibly start exercising now, because I don’t know where my ipod is. I work 12 hour days, so I just don’t have the time. My career gets in the way, “its not my fault”. How many times have I shrugged off getting myself fit because of these very excuses?
My phone calender alarm went off today. Its my 6 month “anniversary”. I should be at my goal weight today. I made a pledge to myself months ago to exercise and eat right.
Since that day I have *gained* 27 pounds. 27. I should be celebrating my success, but instead I’m putting an arm around my stomach when I sit down, and I’m wishing it were winter again so that I wouldn’t have to deal with shorts and bathing suits.
A man died in his hall today. He was so big that he fell into the doorway and got stuck. The shame he must have felt being so fat that he was wedged in the doorway, unable to move. Picturing the firemen having to break open his doorframe so the coronor can get to him, and pronounce him dead from cheetos.
That happened TODAY. Not tomorrow, not next sunday. The bad effects are happening now, but I’m not curing it until later.
Still, knowing all this, I’m starting on sunday.
I made the list of work outs and of groceries to buy. I’m swearing off soda and fried food, and my work outs are 5 days a week.
I should be more like nike, and Just do it.
*****TO MY BLOG and fellow bloggers!- a little accountability would be wonderful. All my friends are roughly 100 pds wet, and don’t get how much being overweight impacts everything. Because, when we are honest with ourselves, it does. I would absolutely love to go through this journey together! I’m slowly learning about the blogging process, what linking is and all that.
*** I’d love for us to support each other! We all battle something, even if it has nothing to do weight ***
Sitting at my console at work I reach down to touch my neck, but my chin gets in the way. I’ve always had a hint of a double chin (when turned a certain way or in awkward pictures), but I now have an actualization of a double chin. My shirts have always clung a bit awkwardly to my stomach, but I could wave that away with claims of “its bloating from my period” or “oops had a big lunch”. Now I resemble my friend sarah.. Who happens to be 7 months pregnant.
Being a tall kind of chunky girl has faded away to being a fat girl. My being tall was an asset when I was just chunky, but now that I’ve descended into fat its working against me. I feel like an amazon, a behemoth.
I have stretchmarks covering my thighs, hips, breasts, butt, and now stomach.. And I’ve never had a child. Its my birthday in 2 days, and the excitment I felt faded the moment I realized that going out would mean another night out with my skinny friends. I’m single, not because men aren’t interested but because I’m not interested in myself. I’m too insecure about myself, and that causes insecurities with men. I get comments like “how independent you are!” And “you don’t even need a man, I wish I were more like you” but in reality, I yearn to be touched but am terrified to repulse a man as much as I repulse myself.
The thing is, I don’t feel like a fat chick until I look in a mirror. I feel thin and beautiful. I can flirt with any guy and feel confident, until I touch myself or look down.
How did I come to this?
I’m tipping the scales from fat to just about obese. Hopefully I can make a healthy change before I fall farther…