When your body is the cause of your downfall…

25 Oct 2010 In: Uncategorized

hello again. i haven’t written in a few days and there is a good reason for that. last weekend was an epic diet massacre, or as i have dubbed it “the Epic weekend of Fail”.

i binged. i binged for 3 days straight, like i havent binged in YEARS. for no reason at all. other than the fact that i was depressed. like i haven’t been in years.

the depression wasn’t normal. it didn’t feel normal. i kinda figured out that it was hormonal because i got weepy for no reason and i started bleeding again. only problem is, i had my last period 2 weeks ago and i am smack right in the middle of my boxes of pills. it makes no sense, but there you go. and i said “again” because last month, same thing happened. i started bleeding about a week before i was due. a lot. big fucking clots (that never happened before either) and then it stopped, and then my normal period started at its normal time about a week later and it was super heavy (not normal). pads in japan are CRAP and it almost led to an accident at school. NOT fun.

my body is going all out of control. i have been on the pill for over 10 years, on this pill for at least 8 (honestly, i don’t remember) and i’ve never had problems like this before. i have no idea what’s going on and it’s freaking me out. i’ve never been one to suffer from PMS too much except the occasional bouts of tears, irritability, and chocolate cravings, but for the last two months i’ve been getting REALLY intense pms of anger! i mean, being pms-y never meant be being angry before, but last month i was in such a rage that i ended up snapping at my students in class! (well, they were being little shits, but i did freak them out). and now it’s happening all over again and i’m like “noooooooooooooo!!!”

a friend of mine told me that it might be because i’m smoking and nearing 30 and smoking on the pill is a bad combo. fair enough, except i’m not a heavy smoker, and again, no problems before ever. i really don’t WANT to stop smoking right now though, i am so stressed!! urgh, but i guess i’ll give it a go and see if anything happens. the boy has expressed a desire for me to quit smoking anyways.

and ah, speaking of the devil, the boy is another source of my woes… he’s awol at the moment… m.i.a… gone into thin air… poof!! he went from sending me cutsie goodnight messages every night to absolutely nothing overnight. i haven’t heard from him in 5 days. i am TRYING not to freak out. i know he said he was going on a business trip, but when he told me about it, i assumed it was just gonna be for the weekend, because he mentioned it to say we couldn’t see each other that weekend. but he didn’t say how long it was gonna be or where he was gonna go. you know, i don’t even understand why it wouldn’t cross his tiny little brain to tell me WHEN he was leaving… but from thursday, it was telephonic silence on his end. and not only that, my messages have remained answerless. i mean, unless he went out of the country, his goddamn phone should be working, no? *sigh* i just want him to come back… i’m freaking out right now. there was an incident when we had just started dating last spring where “his phone died” and he took like 2 weeks to get it fixed. during that time, i obviously didn’t hear anything from him and assumed he had decided to move on to brighter pastures. i was really upset because i liked him a lot, but we had JUST started dating (like 3 weeks or so) and so i moved on. imagine my shock when he started mailing me again nearly 3 weeks later as if nothing had ever happened… so i’m a bit worried something like that happened again. what if his phone crapped out on him again? he has no other way to get in touch with me and i’m pretty sure he didn’t think to write down my number somewhere else in case it would happen *sigh* boys, boys, boys…. STUPID BOYS!!! i know that i could definitely NOT deal with not hearing from him for another two weeks. *sigh*

so yeah, i’m super stressed out, i feel like my life is coming appart and i’m trying to lose weight at the same time. it fucking sucks. i have no drive or desire to do anything. i got my 30DS dvd in the mail on saturday and i have yet to attempt it because i’m just looking at the box and feeling empty. at least i’ve stopped pigging out. even the thought of pigging out leaves me empty too.

anyways, i hope this passes. halloween is coming and me and my white marilyn monroe dress will NOT be happy if i am still fucking bleeding on D day…

peace out.

Heavy Things (that are not me)

20 Oct 2010 In: Uncategorized

okay so today started out really good. i had an observation lesson today so that meant i basically had no work, and i got to got up 2 HOURS later because we were only expected at that school for 10am. heaven! so i ate my normal breakfast of about 300 calories and slowly got ready to head of there.

at lunch time we came back downtown and i went home to eat. my friend S tagged along with me. i was really good and had a salad with a few nuts in it (150cals, tops) with a small japanese omelet thing (100cals) and some imperial rolls (i dunno how much those were but i’m assuming no more than 200calls) which brings my lunch total to around 500 calories. great. then we had a meeting about the lesson at the BoE (board of education) in the afternoon, and afterwards, me and S had planned to go off somewhere, karaoke and food most like.

we went to karaoke first, where i had a TINY cup of ice cream cuz i was starving, and it was free (there’s a bar). i just assumed that i would eat something small for supper, but then the restaurant we wanted to go to was closed!! and closed as in, out-of-business closed! we were shocked! we had been going there regularly since arriving in japan, and i’d even gone there just two weekends ago and now it was gone! no more! sadness…. so we opted to go to this omurice place in the basement of the department store nearby. i knew right off the bat that omurice was a bad idea (it’s basically just loads and loads of rice) for a chick on a diet, but my friend had some digestive problems and stuff and she had a lot of dietary restrictions… so we went. i got a doria that had veggies in it, but really, that’s just as bad as an omurice. there wasn’t a calorie count for it, but it must’ve been at least 800 calories, probably more 🙁 and i ate the whole thing 🙁

the thing though, is that my friend had a nervous breakdown during the meal. a lot of shit (and i mean a LOT. her brother dying, a horrible breakup, two of her students committing suicide…) and that’s on top of the self-esteem issues that she’s been dragging around all her life… anyways, she just broke down and i had to cheer her up. i felt so bad for her. and things have been really good in my life recently, and to her i seem like this really strong confident person, but i was telling her that i hadn’t always been like that. and that anybody could change and you didn’t have to be miserable. anyways, i think it’s gonna be HARD work to heal her poor little heart. but that’s what friends are for, right? i really hope i can help her get better.

but anyways, helping her didn’t help me stay on course with my diet… i feel a little bit guilty, but at the same time i really wanted to eat that doria. i guess i will pay for it later. the good thing though is that on the way home, i wanted to stop by the combini to buy some ice cream… i was in that typical “well i’ve already cheated” mood. but i managed to stop myself from going, and headed straight home, to my prunes (lol) and my tea… hopefully it’s not gonna make too big of a difference on the scale.

in other good news, i got the mail from amazon that my exercise dvds are ready to be shipped! (i just gotta go pay for them at the combini) i was getting kinda cranky cuz i wasn’t getting the mail and usually you get it only a day or two after placing your order, but now it’s been almost a week!! so i can start working out momre seriously soon!!

Meh, it’s Monday…

18 Oct 2010 In: Uncategorized

Ok, so like our good friend Garfield, I don’t like mondays… it doesn’t help that i went to bed later than usual last night (swapping sexy texts with my bf…. good cause, really…) and i’m not a morning person.

This morning i got on the scale and it had gone up again! argh!!! not fully up to 80kg again but somewhere in between the 79 and the 80… yes, i got a shitty “old school” scale. don’t worry! i’ve ordered a new digital one from amazon today… but anyways. other than that, it seemed like it might be a good day (for a monday) as i had no class today and i could pretty much just relax and quietly plan my lessons. the only thing that i “had” to do was have lunch with the kids. they were pretty boring, but meh. it happens.

then, in the middle of the afternoon, i got inflammed by an email from my supervisor, who has no knowledge of the word “tact” and is rather shit at her job, really, and it made me so mad and i really wanted to tell her off, but obviously i can’t  cuz, my job, so i just stir and stir and sulk until finally a friend helped me calm down. but still the icky feeling of having been in a bad  mood stayed with me.

but nevermind that, i was starving. it was only 4 and i was starving. granted today was a “no rice” day at lunch so it was less than usual, but that’s not usually a big deal so i was surprised. i was also really craving something “bad” a lot of something bads…. and to be honest, i still am. i stopped by the combini on my way home and bought a little box of chocolates to eat as a snack before super. they were 200 calories, so i knew i would be fine and well within my calorie limit for the day, and i ate them as soon as i got for, and god, they were delicious. then i had my super, leftover pork&veggies from yesterday and soup, with an apple. good girl.

now i’m not really hungry, but i still have these “cravey” feelings. i really hope i can distract myself enough that they go away because it sucks. and i know what happens when i give in to them, and my weight loss is already going slow enough as it is that even just eating a few too many calories could stall my weight loss, and i really wanna be 78kg by halloween. and maybe 75kg by christmas. seriously, that would be awesome. to be under 170lbs when i see my family again for the first time in a year and a half, that would be awesome.

i guess i just have to keep that in mind when i feel like giving in. 😉  but dammit, who’s bright idea was it to make chocolate taste so good?!?

Ready… Set… Go!

16 Oct 2010 In: Uncategorized

ok, so it’s not actually the start of my weight-loss journey, just the start of my blog :p

I started this diet around mid-july 2010 at 86.5kg and now, 3 months later, i’ve lost 7kgs, which is not bad, but i still got a long way to go…

I’ve been yo-yo dieting all of my adult life, and been maintaining myself between 180-200lbs for the last 6 years or so. i’m at about 175lbs now and it’s already breaking the cycle so i hope that i can do even more! My first goal was to lose 10kg. i have a “bet” running with my mom that if i can lose 10kg she’ll buy me a brand bag that i really want, haha. so that’s pretty good incentive, but i really wanna reach that number for myself too.

I can’t even believe that i’ve gone down to 175lbs either. since my scale here is in kilos, sometimes it doesn’t register… i haven’t been that weight in YEARS, and in fact, yesterday i decided to fetch from my closet this box of clothes that i had put away because they were too small. i wanted to see if i could fit into any of them. and surprise, surprise, i did!! out of all the clothes in there, there were only about 3 articles of clothing that were still too small! it was especially amazing since i found these 2 pairs of NEW jeans, that have obviously never been worn and i can’t remember at all why they are there and when i bought them! lol. the only thing i can think of is that i must’ve bought them before i came to japan because i thought i was gonna lose more weight after coming here and so i would have some smaller jeans that would fit. well, needless to say, that never happened… but now i’m sure glad that they were there because it is just absolutely impossible for me to shop for pants here, and my old jeans were just about dying and had started to rip inside the tigh… so yay! i got two new pairs of jeans and i didn’t even go shopping!!