Last time I was here I was full of optimism and hope - I was going to do lots of things with myself. There was the orthodox lent challenge, and the swim challenge. There were challenges I didn’t write down, to avoid being a bum, to be a proper girl and get a skin care regime down. Many challenges. Lots of hope.

It didn’t quite work out that way. The vegan thing was fine, I was doing really well. Then I got sick, the mother thinks it’s related to the eating. Accused me of having an eating disorder and threatened to bring me home, so that I wouldn’t miss more class through time off sick. I still don’t follow the logic, but gave in anyway. I’m not sure it helped.

It’s been a really hard couple of months. In my world, I am everyone’s ‘person’. The person they come to for advice, for a hug, to rant at, to talk at. It’s nice. I’m good at it, and I suppose its flattering. It’s also crushing. My depressive issues flare up every so often. It’s not really a huge issue. I don’t even know what the issue is. I don’t have a reason to be sad. Sure I’m fat and single, but this isn’t something new. I am always fat, and always single. I’ve been cutting again, although I have gone a few weeks without now. Sometimes I feel proud of the achievement of not cutting. Mainly I feel stupid. Its not an achievement. Of all my friends, only my ex has noticed - he’s being lovely, and very helpful but what’s there to help when I don’t know what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong. The only other person that knows about the cutting is a friend who is going through a rough patch with his bf, and the idea that he’s not quite sure if he’s gay any more. His (now ex) bf is one of my best friends, so I’ve been spending lots of time listening to his problems, trying to patch them both up. The cutting was brought up when we were both drunk. It’s not been mentioned, and he’s avoided me ever since. But it’s okay.

I think the major issue is that I can’t work anymore. I just sit. All day. Sit. Eat. I had a good week at the beginning of the easter vacation, got around half my workload done in a week. But then I went home, and have done nothing for a fortnight. It looks like this week is going to be the same - since I am writing about my uncontrollable desire to cut myself in a blog on the internet, rather than doing any work. I wish I could be stressed, to try and get myself into a state, so that I can work. But the stress also makes me cut, so that I can feel something that’s not stress. It’s a vicious circle. Oh well. Sitting is fine. I can deal with sitting. Maybe I’ll sit some more.

8thFebruary

Splish Splash

So, its almost the end of my six week no sweets, cakes, biscuits, chocolate or pudding challenge and I’m happy to say I actually didn’t cheat or slip up even once. Fairly surprised how easy I found it to stick to. Not going to go crazy after Valentines day next tuesday, but there is a Lindt bear with my name on it from Christmas. Its been sat on my desk all this time.

In the spirit of challenges, because I found that one actually kind of, well, fun… I’ve decided to do another one. Huzzah! Well, two actually.

The first is going to be an exercise based one - since I don’t do as much as I should of the sweaty thing. Starting from today… I’m going to do a swim regime. A mile on weekdays (64 lengths of the uni pool) and 1km on weekends (40 lengths). I did 60 lengths today, and didn’t realise how close I actually was to the mile… a bit annoying really because I could have probably done another 20 at least, but I was a bit bored and hungry by this point. Hmph. Oh well, tomorrow, the full mile. Today it took me around 45 mins, which the internets tells me is slower than a dead jellyfish… but I don’t really care. I’m not interested in speed, I’m just going to keep plugging away at my distances and see what happens.

The second challenge looks to be much harder. As a Russian student I’ve done lots of work looking at the Orthodox church, and since it’s coming up to that time when Easter is coming up… I’ve decided that I’m going to have a go at holding the Orthodox Great Lenten Fast.. Eek.

So, first off. I’m allowing myself a cheat - the first week, you’re supposed to only eat two full meals in the first five days. This isn’t practical, since I won’t be taking the week off, I need to make sure I’ve got enough energy to actually function.

So, “What is orthodox lent?” you might ask. Well, it’s this: On weekdays (and Great Saturday), the following foods are not eaten:

  1. Meat and meat products - including gelatine, lard etc
  2. Dairy products and eggs - including whey and milk powders and solids etc
  3. Fish and seafood with a spine
  4. Oil and wine - including all other types of alcohol. Cooking using oil of any kind is also forbidden (the Greek Orthodox church allows followers to use any oil apart from olive oil, but all kinds of oil are avoided in the Russian Orthodox Church).
On saturdays and sundays the rules are relaxed slightly, and you can consume oil and wine.
This is going to be a huge challenge for me, but as I said before, I thrive on challenges so I think this is going to be actually quite fun - it will force me to be a more creative cook at least! If I come across any particularly good recipes, I’ll let y’all know.
xoxo

24thJanuary

Oops… fail.

In happy news… I lost more weight than I thought I had. In sad news…its just an accident of my terrible maths skills… When I went to the Doctor around the end of October I weighed in at 86kg which I calculated at 13st 6lb… turns out I was wrong… turns out its 13st 8lb… oops. Not really sure why the NHS has started doing weight in kg…its baffling.

But… ah well… today’s weigh in was 12st 7lb at least I’m getting further away from the original number. :D

So I’m 12.5lb down and only 4lb from where I was this time last year. Its nice that I’m achieving some solid goals, but annoying when I think I was supposed to be trying to lose weight this time last year. Oh well. Onwards and downwards I guess.

Managed my trip to Paris without falling off the wagon with the not eating sweet things until valentines day thing… And still managed to eat at my favourite restaurant… Seriously, if anyone reading this ever goes to Paris… check out Chartier… metro stop bonne nouvelle… look for the one with the massive line out front. Steak tartare with chips and a cider for under 15euros… :D Can’t lose. Came back from paris another 1.5lb down so happy with that.

Went for chinese with my family for my dad’s 50th on saturday, and again was quite sensible… well not really… there was tonnes of food, but i did well not to just go head down and trough…so there’s that.

Must have been lots of sugar in the sauces though because the cravings for sweet things have been really hard over the last couple of days. Managed to stick to my guns though, and am not giving in to the cravings.

Phew. I should do this in small chunks regularly rather than update all at once. I should stop saying i’m going to do that. I never will… ah well. Hope january is going good for everyone else :D

So shortly after writing that post about being made of fail, mother nature decided to (FINALLY) pay me a visit. Explains a lot. Its what I hate about an irregular cycle.. never know whether I’m truly miserable or hormonal. Didn’t give up on the diet over the weekend… but I did eat a scary amount of yoghurt. Honestly, I think I’m an addict.

Feeling fairly proud of myself on the not eating sweets front too: my housemate brought a load of cupcakes and carrot cake home from work for me (in her defence, she didn’t know I wasn’t eating sweets) and not only did I manage to say no, I didn’t even want them… there wasn’t a huge yearning like I had when I started. Which can only be good.

Had a skinny day yest, so weighed myself (in the evening and everything, I must be mad) and had lost another 1 1/4 lb, so I’m feeling pretty good. I didn’t realise I’ve actually lost 10lb now since I started in october, november ish (can’t even remember when). And in my head, I’ve still not taken the plunge to go on a ‘Diet’ (the capital is important). I feel like because I’m not doing something crazy to lose 5lb a week and live off cayenne peppery lemonade or whatever it is you’re supposed to do on a Diet that I’m not doing anything.

So, here’s to the weight creeping off the way it crept on. And hoping that you’re all feeling good on a monday morning too!

xoxo

6thJanuary

Fail.

So today is weigh in day. After eating really carefully all week, not straying from my committment to not eat sweet things… I lost 3/4lb. FML.

I’ve come to realise why I always give up on my diets too: nothing about being fat makes me feel as shitty as failing to lose weight. I never feel worse about myself as I do when I’m actively doing something about my weight and getting nothing out of it. The mother, on the same diet plus the chocolates I’ve been avoiding has lost 5lb. I would actually like to cry.

For once I’m not going to give up and go back to the way I was eating before, but grudgingly. I hate the fact that dieting seems to be the one area of my life that doesn’t follow my usual personality pattern - I am a contrary little shit, if someone tells me I can’t do something my usual response is ‘Screw you, watch me.’ Usually if I fail at something the failure spurs me on to just try harder so that I get to spite whatever I failed at with a glorious victory. Not dieting. Dieting fail just makes me feel like the shittiest specimen of humanity on the planet.

I might go back to bed and cry.

3rdJanuary

Happy New Year

Note to self: Do not say ‘It’s a new year, a new me!’ because you will feel corny and ridiculous. You are ridiculous enough without the clichés. Deep breath. No new years clichés. New start? Yes. Probably. Again. Haven’t made any resolutions as such, because I still haven’t actually managed to keep to any of my ‘its not new year but i’ll resolve anyway’ resolutions. My nails are still appalling, and I still forget mascara most days, and I’ve yet to learn any more skills. But I do have a charmeleon called Sharikov on pokemon.. So there’s that.

I’ve decided to set myself a bit of a challenge, because I’m good at things if I have a set time related goal… So. I have a sweet tooth. Big style. So, since its the season I’ve decided to cut out all things sweet so thats :

sweets, chocolates, puddings, cakes and biscuits from now until valentines day. At least then hopefully I’ll be skinnier than my loved up mates on the day, and I can glean some sort of spiteful pleasure from the day (I’m such a charmer).

So far its going….well it’s going. It’s really hard. I still have some chocolates left over from christmas (from the same person who wanted to give me slimming world membership…hmmm). And they’re talking to me. I have a lindt bear too - which is fine, I don’t want that. But the chocolates…even knowing I went through and snaffled the best ones out does not stop me from WANTING ALL OF THE CHOCOLATES NOW!

Man, it’s a good job I’m starting this in a fully sane frame of mind.

xoxo

Okay, so I know it’s already been christmas day…but hey, everyone knows that boxing day is better! I hope you all had a great christmas and enjoyed a superawesome dinner :D There was lots of running round at my end - christmas morning at my dads, a visit to my brother’s gf’s house 40 miles away to see her and bring her back to my grandparents for dinner, and then back to my mum’s in the evening…phew. driving galore. I’ve been pretty rubbish on the blogging front the last few weeks - and the diet front too. The last week of uni term was mental. I wish I could say with parties and festivities, but unfortunately I had a triple whammy of oral exams and a job interview for my internship next year. A really spectacular bout of laryngitis just added to the fun - we get to go play at the hospital this week, so I’m hoping to finally get my voice issues sorted once and for all. I must admit that I take my smug comments about not stress eating all the way back! I totally gave up on the diet - I admit, I just could not be arsed… Fortunately I’m not much into the festive foods - but I’ve still knocked myself back by 2lbs. I know it’s not much at all. Its just frustrating to be going in the wrong direction. But oh well. I’m going to go to the sales this week and buy a beautiful (I WILL FIND ONE THAT LOOKS NICE ON ME IF I HAVE TO KILL SOMEONE TO GET IT) sparkly dress for new years eve and cheer myself up a bit. I’ve also an interview dress to buy, since I’ve got to go to Paris for the 2nd round of internship interviews mid jan. YAY for dress shopping.

Hoping you all had great christmases and happy new year :D

xoxo

2ndDecember

Back from a break

Well, now I wrote a post yesterday but then I lost it. Maybe the dog ate it. Maybe I ate it. I probably ate it.

So the gist of the last post I wrote then never published and disappeared from the drafts was that I’ve been slipping a bit in the last week or so- but, I’ve managed to catch myself before I fall too far this time. So it’s time to get back on track.

I’m going to set myself some mini goals, so that I don’t lose sight of what I’m doing - I find it really easy just to wander off, and although I could see the difference when I was eating really well, I still don’t quite associate the junk food with my weight. It’s hard to explain, I know that its bad/full of calories / nutritionally empty. I just eat it anyway. Hmm. Am idiot, probably the easiest way to explain it.

So mini goals - and a cheeky explanation, because otherwise they don’t really mean much

Weight - 12st 7lb by Christmas (Or maybe new year because holy batman, when did it become december? Seriously, where did november go?) .. This is a 7lb in a month goal - not easy but not impossible. I don’t want to be setting myself up for a fall, but think this is challenging enough.

Food - Try and go a whole week without getting snacks at uni - these are a killer for me because usually its a piece of millionaire shortbread - so tasty, but so shitty as well. I’ve noticed i’ve gotten back into the habit of grabbing these at lunch.

Drink - Take my own drinks to uni, or make sure I buy my Monster lo-carb (love of my life) in the shop, rather than at the cafe - i don’t buy snacks from the shop, but I do from the cafe.

Exercise - There are a couple of these.

1) Actually do 30 proper sit ups a day - I play horseball now, and I keep getting stuck during pick ups - hilarious, but in a ‘Yeah one day I’m going to hurt myself if I keep doing this’ way.

2) 2012 Challenge: So, seeing though I’m English, naturally I can’t breathe for excitement at the prospect of the olympics being in London next year. Hmm. But, I saw the other day, a 2012km challenge to help raise money for charity - you just have to pick a goal, it could be in a team or on your own - so either 20.12km,  201.2km or the whole 2012km and try and attain that in any way possible - so running, walking, swimming, horse riding… since I ride and allegedly swim, and I want to start getting into running, this seems a positive goal to work towards.

If anyone wants to come with me, we can go for the 2012k distance - if not I think I’ll go it alone and do the 201.2k one. I’ll be donating money to a charity for young children with sight difficulties. I might write a longer post at about this at a later date.

I’ll leave it there, going to uni and to the supermarket later - want to try a new recipe later - cod with spicy tomato sauce, so I’ll let you know if it’s edible :D

xoxo

First off, apologies for the whingy post from the other day. I’m not actually that much of a horrible person, except when I’m tired.

Had a great day yesterday - productive use of my time, healthy eating, and I managed to put makeup on and then remember to take it off before bed. Genius.

Was having a bit of a fail day to start off and then I realised what I’ve done this week (I’m about to start blowing my own trumpet - I don’t do it often…feel free to skip)

3 Russian - English translations + 1 critical review of someone elses

250 word Slovene assignment (I only started learning slovene 6 weeks ago :S)

750 word french short essay in French

12 pages of reading about feminism in Russia, in Russian and learnt 3 of the 6 pages of vocab from that.

Prepared a  5 minute debate speech in russian about being a neo-nazi skinhead…

Prepared a 5 minute review of a news topic in french.

Phew.. And I think I’ve successfully worked out that I don’t stress eat…huzzah!

In short…go team me. Team me is awesome…And recruiting!