It’s Will and I’s 3rd year anniversary on the 21st.  I have been thinking about the last year, and our progress.  We’ve surely had our fair share of downs this year due to financial pressures, but we’re really on an up now.  I suppose what I’m about to say will sound very… young and naive to those of you who are married, or have been in a longer term relationship than I.

But I’ve always been partnered with insecurity.  I can make friends, charm people, but I rely on charisma and a perceived confidence.  This is because I have a fear that, especially in a relationship with a guy, should I ever keep my looks as a failsafe should my personality not be enough, I would never be picked.  In school I saw girls who fluttered eyelashes, pouted and preened and boys would fall at their feet.  I knew I could never be one of them, I just didn’t have such looks.  But I could always make people laugh, so I earned others’ respect and usually their friendship.

Being partnered with insecurity meant I inherited an evil cousin - jealousy.  I couldn’t help myself.  Any boyfriend I had, I always measured myself against their female friends, the girls they saw.  I never saw myself as the victor.  This obsession was fed when I found that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me with several other girls during our relationship, all of whom I was jealous of.

It was only when I met Will that my life and beliefs began to change.  I honestly never thought I’d see the day where I could happily chat along with his female friends, encourage them to visit and join him in his pursuits.  Jealousy doesn’t touch me any more.  I am confident that he loves me and would never cheat on me.  It is a bit scary to trust someone so completely with my heart, but I do!

In my reflections, I also look at my parents.  They have been married for 33 years (crazy huh?), and for the most part they’re happy.  I know my dad would never cheat on my mum, he loves her too much.  The problem is that my mum knows that too, so she doesn’t try any more.  She occassionally attempts to lose weight, but often gives up after a couple of weeks no matter how we encourage her.

I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to be loved just because.  I want to be loved because Will thinks I’m beautiful.  I know he thinks I’m attractive, but I want him to look at me and go “WOW!”  So while I’m not threatened with jealously, I’m making a vow to myself.  I will never be complacent.  I don’t want to weigh 14st and go “well he loves me anyway so why bother?”  That’s not fair to myself or to him.

I’m going to enjoy our anniversary, I’m so happy we’ve got this far!  But I’m also happy in the knowledge that this is the third of many, many more.

Hey all,

I hope you’re all doing well.  I’ve taken a couple of days AWOL from everything - I seriously needed some R&R.  I haven’t done any more studying, three days of straight non-stop 12 hour sessions took the life out of me.  I had a nine hour shift on Saturday which was exhausting.  However, the day ended on a good note because I’d been meant to be in today as well from 12-6.30 and was dreading it, but they’ve put everyone back to contract hours which works out brilliantly for me!

I haven’t been on my Wii Fit either, I must confess.  However, I have been burning calories other ways!  On Friday Will and I spent a record 6 hours cleaning before my parents arrived!  We organised shelves, been up and down ladders cleaning the high ceilings, carting boxes into storage, vacuuming, dishes, scrubbing floors and tiles - it sure worked up a sweat!  Even better, my home looks beautiful now; we’re very proud of ourselves!

I’ve been keeping track of my calories on Daily Plate, and net calories have been very good over the week, only on Wednesday was my net calories over, and that was only by 100.  Most days my net calories are around 900, one day even 253!

However, I don’t feel lighter and I’m not getting my hopes up because I’ve got my period and that never helps, plus I know it will take time for my body to produce results.  I have this kind of weird relationship with my body, half the time I believe it’s a completely separate entity (though not in a Descartian way) striking revenge for the things it doesn’t like with stretch marks, cellulite and other such nuisances.  Now I’m treating it better, it will take a while for it to forgive me.  But once it has, we can work together as a team again!

P.S.  11 days without chocolate go me!

Ok so the results today weren’t brilliant.  I’ve gained 3lbs 6oz but it is my time of the month, so I am hoping some of it is water retention.  I also know I haven’t been eating as responsibly as I might have since I’ve been staving off chocolate cravings.

BUT those are getting under control, I’m now counting calories on Daily Plate (and activity, I love that I burn calories whilst showering and singing) and staying as close as possible to my goal calories.  I’m keeping up the Wii Fit five times a week, and hopefully I’ll see more promising results next weigh in.  That will have to be Wednesday since I’m away on a Psychology conference Thursday and Friday.

Have a nice day chicks!

How have I never found this gift to women before?  This is like the best website I’ve ever used!!!

Who knew I burnt so many calories writing my revision notes or sitting around, showering, doing the laundry, singing, playing with my cats?  This is amazing!!!!!!!!!

:D:D:D

These seem to be the bane of my progress at the moment!  I’ve reached seven days free of chocolate (and it has actually been very hard, I didn’t expect to have such cravings) I should be happy!  But the last few days it seems as though stretch marks keep appearing out of no where, my legs are covered in the bright red streaks.  My skin is so pale they show up like fluorescents.  I’m using bio-oil to help them and before I go on holiday I’ll get a spray tan.  I know they’ll fade eventually but it’s proof right there on my body how irresponsible I’ve been.  And they’ll be there forever.

Today will be my fifth day of Wii Fit this week, and as I said - seventh day without chocolate but I don’t hold a huge amount of hope for tomorrow’s weigh in.  No matter what I tell myself, the Wii Fit weigh ins everyday are freaking me out.

I hate being despondant, but today I can’t seem to shake it off.

So that pretty much sums up my day!  Day 2 without chocolate passed without a hitch.  Still a chocolate free zone baby!  Just wait - soon it will be a week.  It’s difficult though, especially when I’m working because I was in the habit of grabbing something sweet with my lunch so I’m changing those habits!

Got back on the Wii Fit today.  It said I weigh 11st 1lbs!  That’s a 5lb difference!  BUT I’m not panicking.  I said I’d go by scale weight, not Wii Fit weight.  This is because I never get the chance to do Wii Fit at the same time every day so it’s affected by water intake (and outtake), meals I’ve eaten, what I’m wearing etc. whereas scale is always a Thursday morning, with no clothes (yes, every ounce counts!), before breakfast and after I pee.  It’s as close to regimented as I can get so that’s what I’m going with.

Anyway I distract myself.  My abs are feeling it!  So are my thighs!  Working in a games store, a lot of my colleagues think little of the Wii Fit.  But I think if you try all of it - not just the fun games - regularly, as in 3+ times a week you do see a result.  I’m certainly feeling it!
I hope all your Day 2’s are going well, night!

Welcome to 2009 everyone!  I hope you all had a lovely (and safe) new year’s celebration.  We had a really nice time - we went up the Law (Scottish word for hill, the Dundee Law is very big and you can see all across Dundee and Fife).  From there we could hear the bells ringing, people cheering, bagpipes, see fireworks - it was great!

My weigh in day has changed to Thursdays (in accordance to today being a Thursday) so my 2009 starting weight is 10st 10lbs exactly.  My revised goal is to reach 9st 5lbs and/or a UK size 8 by Thursday the 9th of July, 2009 - the week before we go on holiday.  The and/or is because really the size and how I look in the mirror is more important to me than weight, but I’m using weight as a rough guide to my progress so we’ll see how it goes.  Similarly, if I look fab but I’m a size 10 that’s great too!

Good luck in the new year, and have a good one!

Turns out it is true!  We made up all nice :)  I am so proud of myself that risotto was AMAZING!!!  This is like the first time that a first attempt has come out so well, it was gorgeous!  I want to throw a dinner party just to show off… Lol.

I am still eagerly anticipating starting my new year’s resolutions.  It’s good as well because we’ve agreed that come the new year we’re doing a major clear out - any clothes that don’t fit or we don’t wear are going to charity.  This means they can get replaced with new, fitting clothes!  Woot woot!  I’m just tired of wearing ill-fitting things, or having something that I never wear taking up space.  It means for a while I’ll have a much smaller selection to choose from, but at least I’ll know every single item fits.

At least I’m hoping so!  Will and I had a small disagreement this morning…  It really was a disagreement not an argument but I don’t like any awkwardness at all, so I’m making something yummy!  I’ve done the dessert already - hand-made chocolate mousse with cream - and I’m making a chicken and pepper risotto for the main course.  I’ve gone and bought all the ingrediants but I’ve never made it before so I’m a bit nervous - here’s hoping it goes ok!

I’ve been a bit lazy today, but seeing as I’m backed at work again tomorrow I’m allowing it!  Just happily anticipating the new year.  I’m not anxious, as I have been before I start a new regime previously, I’m looking forward to it.  Positive changes.  That’s what 2009’s all about: positive changes.

Hey y’all…

It seems I never get much of a chance to do more than read blogs these days, even my beautiful journal has gone untouched for too long.  How was everyone’s Christmas?  I had a lovely one.  Will and I went through to my parents’ on Christmas Eve and I was up till 3am helping my mum prepare for the meal - we had 12 of us for dinner the next day!  The table looked lovely and the meal was divine.  It was really nice to have everyone together, and I think all the guests enjoyed themselves too.

My life has been a little crazy this month, and I am looking forward to bringing in the new year.  Due to our desperate need for money, and me finishing uni for Christmas on the 2nd of December I have been working huge amounts of overtime.  I do like my job and the people I work with but it has been so busy I’ve been counting the hours each day I’m there.  My December pay packet wasn’t too big, because overtime gets paid a month in lieu, but I will get a nice surprise on the 24th of January.  It seems so far away!

As I say things have been very hectic for me, at times I have felt poised on the edge of a mental breakdown.  It felt as though there was a part of my unconscious fiercely treading water to stop me from snapping, I was just juggling so much.  Too much, really.  So, I have decided to be assertive.  From January 1 things are changing.  I haven’t stepped on a scale in ages, and my food has just been all over the place.  I think I’ll have gained back the majority of what I lost since July.

But I have new year’s resolutions to hold me steadfast.  I’m really taking 2009 as a brand new slate.  My resolutions are:

• Cold turkey on the chocolate.  I just can’t do mediation, so it must go….
• Cooking a lot more from scratch.  We got a lot of cooking stuff for Christmas, including a slow cooker which means I can do soup or meat and leave it cooking while I’m at uni or work.
• Cooking more healthily, with raw ingrediants.  Goes with the above.
• Using the Wii Fit 5 times a week, for at least half an hour.  If I go to the gym, I don’t have to do a full half an hour, but do all my yoga exercises.
• Weigh ins and measurements will be done every Thursday with the only exception being the 2 weeks I’m abroad in France.  Maybe.  If my scale doesn’t fit…

So I’m hoping this will get me through.  I love reading the blog entitled “Concentrated” on here.  The writer started her journey on the 1st of January and has been dedicated and reached her goals.  Congratulations and major kudos - my inspiration!  I only picked Thursdays for weigh ins because that’s the 1st of January’s day, but it should work out ok.  Will is being very supportive as well, and I’m hoping this will help me do the best I can.

Anyway, sorry for the incredibly long post!  I’ll try to write sooner next time