It’s Will and I’s 3rd year anniversary on the 21st.  I have been thinking about the last year, and our progress.  We’ve surely had our fair share of downs this year due to financial pressures, but we’re really on an up now.  I suppose what I’m about to say will sound very… young and naive to those of you who are married, or have been in a longer term relationship than I.

But I’ve always been partnered with insecurity.  I can make friends, charm people, but I rely on charisma and a perceived confidence.  This is because I have a fear that, especially in a relationship with a guy, should I ever keep my looks as a failsafe should my personality not be enough, I would never be picked.  In school I saw girls who fluttered eyelashes, pouted and preened and boys would fall at their feet.  I knew I could never be one of them, I just didn’t have such looks.  But I could always make people laugh, so I earned others’ respect and usually their friendship.

Being partnered with insecurity meant I inherited an evil cousin - jealousy.  I couldn’t help myself.  Any boyfriend I had, I always measured myself against their female friends, the girls they saw.  I never saw myself as the victor.  This obsession was fed when I found that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me with several other girls during our relationship, all of whom I was jealous of.

It was only when I met Will that my life and beliefs began to change.  I honestly never thought I’d see the day where I could happily chat along with his female friends, encourage them to visit and join him in his pursuits.  Jealousy doesn’t touch me any more.  I am confident that he loves me and would never cheat on me.  It is a bit scary to trust someone so completely with my heart, but I do!

In my reflections, I also look at my parents.  They have been married for 33 years (crazy huh?), and for the most part they’re happy.  I know my dad would never cheat on my mum, he loves her too much.  The problem is that my mum knows that too, so she doesn’t try any more.  She occassionally attempts to lose weight, but often gives up after a couple of weeks no matter how we encourage her.

I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want to be loved just because.  I want to be loved because Will thinks I’m beautiful.  I know he thinks I’m attractive, but I want him to look at me and go “WOW!”  So while I’m not threatened with jealously, I’m making a vow to myself.  I will never be complacent.  I don’t want to weigh 14st and go “well he loves me anyway so why bother?”  That’s not fair to myself or to him.

I’m going to enjoy our anniversary, I’m so happy we’ve got this far!  But I’m also happy in the knowledge that this is the third of many, many more.