I’m still feeling the strain a bit today, I must confess.  It’s definitely been alleviated because Corbyn didn’t have surgery today.  A different vet saw me today and she said she’d prefer to give him stronger antibiotics for a week, and then go through with it if they hadn’t worked because his infection may be resistant to the antibiotics he was given before.  So definitely a lot cheaper and it means he doesn’t have to go under anaesthetic so reduced risk.

Reading other blogs it seems a lot of people go through a stage of feeling despondant about things, so I know I’m not the only one.  But really, I’m only into week 5 it’s a bit pathetic to be feeling like this already.  I was trying to explain it to my boyfriend but he doesn’t understand and thinks I’m just being lazy.  And it’s true - I may well be.  I’m using the post to try and evaluate my feelings and re-evaluate my goals.  But I have decided to take a break until Monday.  I’m still going to be careful, but I’m not going to the gym and if I want to have a drink I’ll have a drink.  I’m not going to go mental and order take-aways and eat mountains of ice cream, but I’m going to give myself a break.

First, I want to try and write down what is really bugging me right now and what I might be able to do about it.

• I have been worried about my cat: he is improving and should hopefully get better with the antibiotics, and the vet said she doubted he would have to get the xray.
• I am worried about our financial situation: it is not desperate, and my cheque from the tax office came in the post today - that will help! - and my pay from Zavvi comes in tomorrow.
• I have not been sleeping well: I am going to take Kalms (a herbal sleep remedy) for a couple of days, and if I’m still having problems I will consider going to the doctor.
• I feel guilty and annoyed at myself because I don’t think I am doing enough exercise or putting enough effort into trying to lose weight.  This is one of the biggest ones, I’ll go over it in a minute.
• I don’t know why this negative cloud has blown over and it annoys me because I don’t know why it’s there.

This guilty thing.  I read other people’s blogs and they’re doing stuff every day, or 5-6 days a week.  I’m pushing myself to go for 3.  People eating so many fruit and vegetables and just generally so healthy!  I’m keeping my portions down and including vegetables with dishes and in sauces but I’m not making meals out of it.  I could be doing a lot better in both of these areas.  If I was back at uni I could easily and realistically claim I struggle for time.  When classes are back, I will have lectures, assignments, my volunteering and then I need time for myself and for my relationship with Will too.  The funny thing though is that I seem to co-ordinate and get going much more easily when I am busy.  Right now I work on a Saturday, I help with my Girl Guides on a Monday night, but I don’t do anything else.  I have heaps of spare time, but I just don’t want to leave the comfort of my wee nest.  This is what I need to combat.

So what are my goals?

• When I go on my summer holiday next year (around July - no exact date yet) I want to be able to get my bikini on and walk down a beach feeling like I’m on a catwalk and feel great!
• I want to lose my student fat.  I lost baby fat, I can lose this too!
• To be comfortable and happy with my body, which will boost my confidence no end.
• Ever strut around your bedroom/living room/hallway like a model and the feeling of lightness and confidence and happiness, even if you’re only pretending?  I want to be able to have that feeling all the time!
• I want to regain my waist.
• I want to turn heads.
• I want to be firmly in the healthy BMI and weight range, rather than clinging on by the skin of my teeth.

The limit for these goals is my 21st birthday - February 2010.  Plenty time I know!  But I will need to lose the weight, which may be the easiest part.  The little touches like toning and tweaking will take longer.  I want to achieve these goals long before then, but basically the idea is that on my 21st birthday, I want to be proud of my birthday photos, and as I “officially” become an adult - at least chronologically - I want to start the nex part of that journey feeling 100% happy with who I am.  I graduate in May of that year as well so it all ties in quite nicely.

I do feel the rousings of motivation in my stomach and my heart when I write this, so at least I know it’s still there.  Maybe I just need to take a break to let my head stop obsessing about food, so I can return after my weigh in on Monday refreshed and revitalised.  It is pretty early in my journey to be faltering, but perhaps having a break will ensure that it is only a falter, rather than me pushing on, burning out and giving up.  Let’s keep fingers crossed!  I’ll still write, but if it’s not related to my diet or whatever please forgive me.  And if you’ve got here - thanks for reading, you’re a star!