That’s one hell of a scary amount of money to be overdrawn.  Sorry, I know it’s not exactly on topic but F*CK!  Can I rationalise this out here please?  It makes me feel better, other wise I’ll get a bit panicky.  That’s my dad’s fault - he always taught me to be careful with money - but a saving grace too I suppose because it means I’m not relaxed about it.  I am sorry as well because I know some people find it distasteful to publicise one’s finances, but my boyfriend gets grumpy when I talk about it because he thinks I’m nagging, and I’ve been a bit liberal with the truth on the subject when it comes to my parents….   I am sorry though.  Anyway.

1. On the 29th of August I should get (emphasis on the should) get £156.80 from Zavvi, if my ex-manager put the overtime through.
2. Will owes me £334.72 at the moment, which remains a running total until he clears all debt with me.  This will increase as and when I solely pay for things like vet bills, groceries and utility bills.  It will decrease as he pays me off.
3. I am due £350 from the Inland Revenue (UK’s IRS), and I will phone them tomorrow to find out if that’s coming any time soon.  It should be next month.
4. On the 15th of September I will get £468.62 from my student loan.
5. On the 30th of September I will get approximately £309.00 from my current employer.

That equals… £1619.14 coming into my account across the next 34 days.  I can see at the end of September I will still be pretty badly over drawn, I’m estimating around £400-£500, because Will won’t have paid me off completely, my tax money may not have come in and I will still have outgoings.  But at least it won’t be as bad as it is now.  It’s still quite scary though really.  They weren’t kidding when they said independance comes at a price!

Ok…  I’ve (kind of) quelled any rising panic about that for now, so let’s move on.  I had an ok day today.  It’s been a bit weird for the last wee while though because I’ve not been having nightmares, but I’ve been having unpleasant dreams which leave me in a bit of a funk for the rest of the day.  One such example was the last dream I had last night.  My dreaded ex came to a family function at my parent’s house, and I was screaming at him to leave but he just made himself at home, and my family were all telling me off for being rude to him; they started joking and laughing with him, at me.  It was horrible.  I was pleading with them and asking why the hell they were taking his side but they just kept telling me not to be rude.  So I tried to run away down the street but it was like running through treacle, I couldn’t move fast at all, and they all came out the house watching and laughing.  I woke up then, but it left me feeling a bit crappy all day.  I hate that he still affects me like this - I don’t want to think about him I just want him to go away!

It does mean I’m getting a bit lazy.  I am struggling to care about losing weight and getting exercise.  I made myself do my pilates DVD, and the burn did definitely feel good, but I am hoping this carefree attitude will clear off soon before it does too much damage to my habits.  It’s hard work consciously limiting myself, whereas before this came on it was just becoming habit and I was finding it quite easy and even enjoying it.

I suppose the silver lining is that it’s showing me even when I feel like this, I can get myself up off my ass and doing something (i.e. the pilates) and that normally, my refined eating habits are becoming just that - habits and that’s definitely a good sign.  And at least that’s a positive note to try and carry on till I’m feeling a bit better.  And I’m remembering - every step counts!