Silver linings

Well, I’ve got another surgery scheduled for Friday, so no Insanity for a while. ūüôĀ I’m bummed. However, this should be the last one! And I’ve been able to do a lot while at home. I’ve been getting in touch with my artistic side, something I haven’t done in a long time. It feels good to be creating again, even if I’m the only one who ever sees my work, lol ūüôā

These past few months have been a struggle, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I find important. Life is short. I’m learning the only way to truly live is to find ways to be happy. You may not be happy 100% of the time, but the times you’re unhappy, you should be working towards happiness. I’m taking that attitude about everything: school, love, even weight loss.

My body is Murphy’s Law incarnate…

Hello again!

I apologize if I’ve been whiny in my blogs lately; things have been tough.

I really love Insanity. I’ve had to take a couple days of a break due to my kidneys (again), but I’m noticing improvement in the way I move and how quickly I do it.

However, I’ve not lost any weight. None. Nor have I lost inches. It’s disheartening. I know I’ve only been at it a week, but I was hoping to at least see a pound go away. I’ve been told I weigh myself too much…it’s probably true. But once this kidney issue gets sorted, I plan on getting back on track.

I called a nurse today (my local hospital has an ask-a-nurse hotline) because I was debating a going into the ER. I used to be an EMT, and it has made me reluctant to seek emergency care. I saw so many people who weren’t in need of emergency care take up badly needed beds. I never want to be that person. So, even though I know what constitutes an emergency, I tend to try and deal until I can make it to a doctor’s office rather than emergency care. Thus my call to the hotline; were I treating a patent with the symptoms I’ve been having over the last few days, it would definitely qualify as an emergency. I wanted a second opinion (I tend to be too hard on myself and was too soft on my patients). The nurse agreed, so I’m headed to Urgent Care in the morning (I refuse to take up an ER bed unless I think I’m going to die in the next five minutes. Other people need it more). I’m bleeding internally and working out with Insanity is probably not the best idea, lol.

I’m explaining all of this not to try to get sympathy, but to explain why I haven’t been religious with Insanity. It’s incredibly frustrating. I want to be thin and I want to have my ass kicked by Shaun T., however I can’t right now. I can barely cook or clean, let alone do globe jumps. It really sucks. Heck, it makes me want to give up. But frankly, I hate being fat more than I hate being frustrated. Things will get better, and eventually I’ll be able to resume the steps to becoming thinner. Until then, I’ll just have to suck it up and deal.


Short post today.

I really enjoy Jenna Marbles on youtube. She is hilarious. Also, she has the body I want, so there is some motivation there. However, unlike most women I know in real life with a body like that, she is honest about the work that goes into it (and falling off the wagon). So, for my post, I am sharing a few of my favorite fitness related videos from Jenna Marbles.

Honesty about falling off the diet wagon:


…my inner fat kid wants cake right now

Insanity – first workout day

I can’t believe I did it. There was a lot of resting, but I made it through! Not going to lie, the post workout rush of¬†endorphins¬†is better than chocolate (I’ll need to remind myself of that when I’m sore).

I’m coming to realize that this journey is more about numbers on a scale or inches on a waist. This is about transformation. The goal is to be a new person, not just a new body. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with who I am now, but I want to change. I’m changing because I care about myself, not because I want to be someone/thing else.

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve started Insanity. I’ve got a hard road ahead of me, but it is totally worth it.

First look at Insanity

Well, I did my fit test today for Insanity. I think I’m going to like this program. I ended up splitting it up into two parts (against the rules, I know) because I don’t want to over do it. My kidney shut down last month and three surgeries and one¬†hospitalization¬†later, this is the first day I’ve been up and moving. I did not push myself nearly as hard as I’d have liked, but my Doc said it’d be okay as long as I took it easy for the first few work outs. Contrary to the Insanity policy? Sort of, but I still got a sweat going and feel that my fit test shows a decent picture of where I’m at now.

I was pleasently surprised at some of my numbers. A couple lined up with the video¬†models’¬†first sets of numbers. However, some of my other numbers were far lower. It’s a process, though.

Part of my need to start Insanity today instead of waiting until, say, next week was the conversation I had with my doctor. To understand the following conversation, I need to give you some background. My kidney failed because of a large stone that blocked my left ureter. When I first got into the ER, I had a huge infection along with anything else. When I first started hurting, I planned to wait until Monday and see my Primary (this happened on a Saturday). Had I waited, I’d have gone septic. The infection returned a couple weeks later and I was hospitalized. The last blog I wrote was in between these two events; I was feeling pretty good at the time. Needless to say, I never EVER want to go through that again. At 22, kidney stones like this one are unusual, especially in someone with a family history of healthy kidneys. Because I am used to people jumping to my weight as a reason, I was surprised when she said that my weight and diet probably had nothing to do with it (I haven’t yet heard back from my urologist about what kind of stone it is). This led to a discussion about weight. I’d been meaning to talk to her about it anyway, though I felt it was less urgent before. See, I almost died. I thought it was a wake up call to lose weight. Turns out, it¬†probably¬†isn’t. However, I still want to slim down.

Then, my doctor mentioned something I never thought I’d hear: bariatric surgery. Now, she wasn’t saying I should get it or need it, but it was listed in the list of “Things that Work” (it, and Weight Watchers, which I’ve tried with no success). I decided to talk to her more about it. When I’m really in a bad place, I start researching the surgery. I never thought I really qualified for it. However, she said I technically do. I need (according to BMI) to lose about 100 pounds, therefore qualifying me. Now, she was very clear that she wasn’t saying I should get it, just that it wasn’t unreasonable to be looking into it. Also, body fat percentage wise, I’m not too bad off. I’m over-fat, yes, but I’m not huge.

That being said, I don’t want to fall into the ” I’m this, but at least I’m not that.” That gets too close to making excuses. I’ll be meeting with a¬†dietitian¬†soon to see if there is anything to do on that side of things. also, I’m working on improving myself in other ways, managing my anxiety and those sorts of things. I’m also starting to let myself indulge in other ways as well (makeup, bubble baths, etc.). I’ve been through a lot lately, and have a long road to go before I’m healthy. A little indulgence will go a long way.

Let’s do this!

Well, I’m going to give Insanity a try. I’m going to order it in the next couple days and get started ¬†as soon as it gets here. I don’t want to be fat the rest of my life. It’s time to take charge and burn some fat off!! I feel really positive about this, probably because this is the first time in my life that I’m doing this for me. I’m not doing this for a boy. I’m not doing this because my parents want me to. I’m doing this because I want to be healthy. I’m doing this because I want to wear a bikini eventually. I’m doing this because I want to cosplay as my favorite characters and look good doing it. I am doing this for me and only me. This is the first time I’m actually excited about a diet plan. I really am looking forward to this!!!

Well, so much for that…

Ideal Protein was a flop. I didn’t lose anything substantial and it did not stick. I’m back at 270 and am hating it. It’s starting to affect me in other ways as well: I had an issue with my kidney a few weeks ago; it may not be weight related, but c’mon. I’m 22, far too young for it to be much else.

I’ve found that I have a tendency to fat-shame myself. I look up terrible pictures online (Here Comes Honey BooBoo seems to be my go to) to try to convince myself that a doughnut is not worth it. It always starts with the best of intentions, but ends with me crying into a cup of Ben and Jerry’s. Then, I’ll go days without eating. Talk about a healthy cycle.

I hit a low last night. I went to Walmart and bought a bottle of Hydroxycut. I haven’t used it yet, I’m too scared of the side effects. However, I can practically feel ¬†the bottle staring at me from the kitchen counter.

I keep telling myself that I don’t loo nearly 300 pounds, but really it doesn’t matter. I feel fat and am unhappy. Plain and simple. It’s time for a change and I think this summer is the time to try again. I used be in such good shape! I was still fat, but I could out-swim any one and could last for hours on a vollyball court or soccer¬†field. I can’t even run a mile now, let alone swim one. It’s time for me to take over my life and make my body into what I want it to be.

Week 3

Hi all.

So I’m finally at my first goal. I reached ten pounds lost today! It turns out I was mis-measuring the rice I was eating as my grain, so my weight loss slowed. I’m also on my period (TMI, I know), so I’m retaining water like nobody’s business.

I’m¬†pleasantly surprised at how much support I am getting from friends and¬†colleges. I had planned on keeping the fact I was on a diet on the down low, but it got out. I guess all the shakers I have to use kinda gives it a way. So far, everyone has been really great about it, congratulating me on my mini-goals, skipping me when the cookies are passed around, and keeping me away from the pizza at rehearsal. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought they’d make me feel ashamed of the fact that I needed a diet, but I haven’t felt that at all. They really seem to understand that I’m doing this well and not just on a fad diet.

I’ve had a bunch of trouble getting all the veggies in. I’m not a fan of vegetables and don’t have time to bring them to school with me, so I have to get them all in during the evening. I’m using a powdered vegetable¬†substitute¬†once a day that my coach suggested, but I can’t fit two shakers into my backpack once I’ve got my jazz sneakers, textbooks, scripts, and music packed. I could eat a bar for lunch and only pack one shaker for the powder, but I like to have my X either after dance or after rehearsal since I’m usually exhausted and need something extra.

My clothes are starting to fit looser. I’ve especially noticed it in my bra lines. The only thing I don’t get is the more my band size goes down, the more my cup size goes up. I don’t get it; I thought usually you lost the good stuff first…I’m not complaining, lol. I guess if I get bigger boobs by losing weight (still don’t see how that makes sense) it’d be an extra bonus.

Now for confession… Cheats: pizza (period, remember? But I didn’t overdo it though like I used to), peanut butter, and too much rice by accident

Week 1

So I restarted the IP diet today, but I’m going with the¬†alternative¬†plan instead of the original. The last time I tried it, I got ridiculously sick and gave up. That being said, I know so many people who have had great success on the IP diet that I had to give it another go. This week has gone¬†incredibly¬†well and I’m well on my way to losing the weight.

The first few days were tough, but not unbearable. Except for Valentine’s Day. I’m not a romantic; I had plans to watch The Boondock Saints with a few girl friends. Then I heard about the chocolate. I’d been avoiding all the sweets for the whole day; I turned down three pieces of chocolate and a cupcake, something unheard of pre-diet. But all that chocolate revved up my cravings for it. I’m a choco-holic you see, and around this time of the month (if TMI, sorry) I need it like I need air. I couldn’t be around the mass piles of European chocolate my friend was supplying, even though she swore they’d cut me off after one piece (it is a holiday after all). I ended up canceling. I did have a little chocolate though; a Norwegian friend of mine gave me some norsk chocolate a few months ago and I had one square (about an inch by an inch by a centimeter) left. I savored that square. I had planned to allow myself a SMALL cheat on Valentine’s Day, and I kept my promise.

I entered ketosis today. Man, my breath smells!! Since I work as a writing consultant, I’m constantly talking during my shift. I feel bad for the writers who are¬†bringing¬†in papers tomorrow…I will try to remember to bring mints.

Also, I’m struggling with my dance class. Not because I can’t keep up (far from it) but because I get soo hungry afterwards. I know that on the regular IP diet we aren’t supposed to exercise, but I can’t quit school. I was told by a few people (online and my coach) to add a few more carbs on the days I dance. Essentially, one piece of bread should do the trick. On the alternative plan, I get grains, dairy, and fruit each day so adding the extra bread won’t be much of a change. And since I was able to reach ketosis with the small cheats I’ve done, I’m not too worried. I just don’t want to feel the way I felt after dance class again.

Each week, to own up, I will list my cheats. I need to hold myself accountable some how ūüôā I am not bragging that I got away with cheating OR guilting myself; I am keeping track week to week how well (or badly) I did.

Week one I cheated with: a little butter almost every day (maybe half a teaspoon), the earlier-mentioned chocolate, a granola bar (high fiber, low calorie), and one extra glass of milk