I am so frustrated. I just went to my favorite restaurant for my friends birthday and I ended up eating half my friend’s fries, a really high calorie amazing dessert and a beer. I don’t know why I did and I just regret it so much. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up so much but I’ve just been doing so well lately and the bet ends so soon so I really wanted to be great until the 21st.

I planned on eating nothing and just having it be social which I guess was the stupid thing but I really didn’t want anything healthy there at all. I wish my friend hadn’t ordered my favorite dessert.

I hope this doesn’t mess me up too bad because I really only have a short amount of time until the end of the best. I should really stop freaking out though. I should move on. And go to the gym tomorrow. UGH and I had said those cravings were GONE!

I already made it to my goal of 209 before the end of the bet and I have a little over a week left! Who knows how much I can lose before the 21st! I just hope it is enough to win. I’m thinking my chances are actually pretty slim with my cousin who started at 140. She lost a lot of weight and is now in a size 4 and because we are doing it by percentage I can lose a lot more weight than her and STILL NOT WIN! I hope I win though because with $250 I will be able to see Equus on Broadway, pay a couple months at the gym, and go to a months worth of weight watcher meetings.

I’m not doing Weight Watchers but I think going to the meetings will help motivate me after this bet is over. The core program for WW is pretty similar to the South Beach Diet so I think that is probably a good idea. I like the meetings anyway because everyone shares good tips and everyone is going through the same struggle and usually very friendly people are there.

Last night was my friend’s birthday and I bought her cupcakes and chocolate. I had a tiny bit of bright red icing and two little chocolates and that was it! I was pretty proud of myself. My coworkers are all going out tonight for her birthday so I am hoping I can do well in a party atmosphere. I think I will be fine though because I love seeing the numbers crawl down!!

So I was eating some really healthy pizza for breakfast today and it got me thinking about things I miss. I was surprised to find that I really don’t miss much. I made a mental list of 4 things: fettucine alfredo, hersey sundae pie from burger king, beer, and dessert. I know dessert is pretty general and big but I really do like dessert. But after thinking about these four things I really realized that I really just don’t care. I can have those things whenever I want and really those calories aren’t worth it. Italian resteraunts were always my favorite. I would eat lots of bread drenched in olive oil, a huge thing of alfredo and on top of that I would usually get dessert. Now I realize I just don’t need or want that.

My stomach is really shrinking both on the inside and the outside. I’m full so much faster that sometimes I’m even in shock about how much fills me up. I’m trying to eat a lot slower because sometimes I get back into the habit of eating too fast and then WHOA I’m super full. But I’m getting better. And I’m excited about the results.

I don’t need cake or pie or really fatty pasta dishes. BUT I can have them occasionally. I’m sure on my birthday I will splurge on some pasta and German chocolate cake but for now I am content with raspberries and whole wheat part skim turkey pepperoni pizza! I didn’t think I would ever get to a point where I can tell myself I don’t need or want something involving food. I used to eat chocolate everyday because the South Beach Diet lets me have it. I am also allowed to have a delicious dessert of a “warm brownie” and I went through a period where I had that everyday. Now I don’t even think about it.

I’m really craving an apple. OH and I lose another pound! Down to 211!

I was shocked to weigh myself this morning to find that I lose 3 more lbs! I’m not sure how because I drank some last night and I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I should. BUT I am eating a lot less. I am just not as hungry. I find myself getting full a lot quicker which is really a new feeling! But it has put me in a very good mood! I’ve lost 33 lbs!

That means that I am 3 lbs away from getting to my goal for the weight loss bet I’m in. I started the bet at 239 and want to be at 209 for a 30 lb weight loss. I can’t imagine losing with that amount. Thanks for everyones words of encouragement. I always love getting comments from everyone. They help keep me motivated.

I have 2 weeks to lose 3 lbs! I THINK I CAN DO IT!

I’VE LOST 30 POUNDS! I’m so excited! Last time it took me so long to get here and I am so proud of myself for staying motivated and eating healthy. I am now at 215. I couldn’t stop smiling all morning! I just got back from an hour long walk with my friend am I am just feeling great. I know I can do it this time. I know it is really hard to lose weight but I want this more than anything!

I am really hoping that I am losing enough to win the $250 bet that ends the 21st of this month. I need to go to the gym more probably because I am slowing down on that but I think for the most part I’m doing okay.

On another note..today in my psychology class we were talking about caffeine. Supposedly caffeine is supposed to make you less hungry. I think this is weird because both Weight Watchers and SBD says have as little caffeine as possible because it makes you more hungry and I have found this to be true. I raised my hand and said something about it mentioning SBD and the girl next to me looked at me and said “South Beach Diet? That is a horrible diet.” AND THEN the teacher went on a rant about fad diets and gimmicks and stuff. I thought that was ridiculous. There is so many misconceptions about the SBD just because the 2 week long phase one is very restrictive. It’s only restrictive in the first two weeks. For the rest I eat pretty much anything I want except the obvious fast food and fatty pasta. I wish people didn’t think it was like Atkins. It taught me how to eat healthy!

BUT I KNOW IT IS HEALTHY! And I know I’m doing a good job. 30 pounds down!

I’m feeling pretty good today despite my failed attempt at going to the gym. I was 15 minutes into a cycling class and I just had shooting pains in my lower back and it was unbearable. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical after that until the pain came back. I’m not sure why it was so bad. I have this one spot in my lower back that just always hurts!

But I went and got a bunch of different kinds of fruit at the grocery store. I feel like its my splurge or dessert or something. Right now I’m eating a huge bowl of raspberries and honeydew. Honeydew isn’t on the South Beach Diet but that’s one thing I am not going to give up. Those two fruits are my favorites and eating them is such a treat. Who knew that one day I would rather have a bowl of fruit than krispy kreme?

OKAY! Time to get back in the swing of things. I’ve been eating pretty good and I lost another pound but I haven’t exercised in a long time! So it is time to get back in the habit of going to the gym everyday. The bet I’m in is coming to a close in just a couple of weeks so I gotta do as well as I can so I can have an extra $250!

On another note, I’m feeling skinnier! People are saying they really notice a different and my gut really isn’t as big anymore. My stomach is a lot flatter and supposedly my face is thinner too but I really can’t notice that at all. My clothes fit so much better and I need a belt to hold up all my pants! I’m really excited about that!!

Okay I really shouldn’t say anything else. I NEED to go to the gym before I lose motivation!

So tonight is my second night in New Jersey. I am here for my best friend’s grandfather’s memorial service. It is very sad and everyone is drinking but I am trying SO HARD to be good. I think I’ve done pretty good so far except I haven’t exercised at ALL in 3 days. I think the only flub up I had today was one small bite of a donut, a piece of the most amazing corn bread I’ve ever had in my life, and a few sips of wine (which is actually on my diet but I still think its meaningless calories.

I’m trying to think about how good I’m doing and not focus on the bad but I think with the sad energy around the house and the fog surrounding the area it is pretty hard. I remember though how I did when I went away for the weekend before. This house is filled with brownies and cookies and pie and every amazing thing I could want. All the temptations are here. Before I would have eaten EVERYTHING. I would not have eaten just a little bit. I would have gone crazy. So I need to be proud of myself.

Since I am pretty bored I thought this would be a good time to explain more about my story a little. When I was a little kid, I ate everything I wanted. Junk food was my favorite category on the food pyramid and I was so skinny. As I got older in late Elementary School I started gaining weight. By fourth grade I realized I was overweight. By the time I was in middle school I was even heavier and in high school i was in the 200s. SO by 14 I was over 200 lbs and only 5′8.

When I was 14 my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. He had a rough year and died only 9 months later in September when I was 15.  It came as a huge shock. As Daddy’s little girl I was obviously devastated. The one good thing that came out of it was that by December I decided I needed to get healthy. My dad was a very large man. He comes from a family of overweight people. It’s in my genetics. I knew that if I was going to lose weight I would have to fight it really hard. After he died I wasn’t up for a fight but somehow the decision was made. Over the next two years I went on and off weight watchers. I ultimately lost 30 lbs and got down to 195 lbs. I want to be in ONEDERLAND AGAIN! Unfortunately over the last year I gained it all back plus more. I got depression sometime at the end of last year and I guess that really does cause weight gain. My depression is getting better and after an entire year of complaining and eating my feelings, I decided this time I’m really going to do it.

And I am.

Hello! Today was an up and down day. I had a few flub ups and I didn’t go to the gym but I went to weight training class and worked out pretty hard. I’m really enjoying the class. I also made a great dinner of a pesto turkey burger and 3 CUPS OF SPINACH! I actually loved it too. It was the shredded trader joes frozen spinach. I found it in the freezer and thought I would give it a try. It didn’t taste like a horrible veggie at all but it was GREAT! I’m really proud of myself for that.

The scale continues to fluctuate and I keep going from 220 to 218. I really want to get over the plateau because I really want to reach 208 by the end of the bet on October 21st. That goal is looking farther and farther away though because my weight loss is kind of at a stand still. But I’m continuing to work hard.

This weekend I am going to my friends grandma’s house for a funeral in New Jersey. Hopefully I will have a good weekend. I will buy groceries as much as possible. I will walk on the beach a lot and maybe go to the gym on Saturday if it isn’t too expensive. Hopefully I can stay away from the family gathering type of food. Maybe I should buy some frozen spinach!

I’m feeling great today! I finally realize how far I’ve come and even though I still have a long way left to go I think I can finally start giving myself some credit. Someone asked me today how much I lost and I automatically said “30 lbs.” I realized immediately that this wasn’t true but then I thought how it is almost true enough to be allowed. I have lost almost 30 lbs in a little over a month! I’m not going out to eat anymore. I’m exercising as many days as possible. I feel great!

Today I went to the gym and even though I really didn’t feel like it I went to a cycling class. Classes to me always feel so long and dragged out and even though this one is done in a black light with amazing music, it kicks my butt. BUT I went and even though I couldn’t keep up the entire time I stayed on the bike. And this was after doing 300 calories on the elliptical. As a treat to myself after I went and bought a fillet of fish I’ve never tried (swai) and a perfectly ripe peach. It was delicious.

I sound like a completely different person.

On a side note, do you ever notice people staring at you at the gym? I don’t understand it. People of all ages, genders, and body types always look at what everyone else is doing. I notice people are always trying to see what book I’m reading or how many calories I’ve done so far. Is it a competition or something? People think you can’t notice but of course you always can. And how about the people who change the channel when you are watching the show and a good part is just about to happen. I hate that.

But besides that…I’m having a great day!