I notice that when I am doing poorly with eating I don’t write on here because I want to avoid the situation at all costs. Somehow writing it down makes it real…which is why when I was gaining back all the weight I lost over the lost few months before going back on South Beach I virtually disappeared. I cannot disappear this time.

I am feeling really anxious and I think I just need to vent. I know how to lose weight and I want it more than anything in the world. BUT I don’t want it to take over my life. I want to be able to make brownies with my friends like I used to or eat some cake at a party. Where the hell does my self control go? This weekend I went to a surprise party and two cookouts and I knew at the party I wasn’ going to do very well. I let myself have some cake, chips, a beer, and some chicken Parmesan. That would have been fine if I stopped there! On mothers day with two cookouts I extended my 1 bad day. Now its Wednesday and I’m trying SO hard not to keep extending my pause. I know I shouldn’t go off it completely. I sort of feel like its all or nothing which I know thats bad. I KNOW so much so why am I doing this?

I’ve been studying for finals and doing lots of homework lately. My classes end tommorow. And I’ve been trying to do well. I feel so stressed though that I actually got in the car, got to the grocery store, picked up a big piece of cake to buy…but I somehow ended up putting it back. Which is good.

I feel like though that I am never going to get where I want to be. I’ll always fail and I’ll just be trying to lose weight my entire life. I don’t want me life to be dieting or trying so hard to lose weight. I have a great boyfriend, a good family, good friends, I live in a nice area….I wish I could just not obsess and not be SO hard on myself.

BUT I AM SO HARD ON MYSELF. I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!