29thOctober

I can’t get over this, and I don’t know why

Maura Kelly’s blog article Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Even on TV?) on the Marie Claire magazine’s website in which she says:

…I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

it’s tearing me up, and I don’t really know why or how to stop it. I think I’ve read almost every one of the 2549 comments on the article (as well as the articles and comments on the “counterpoint” blog posts - and their comments too).

Even though most of the comments were critical of Maura Kelly (and many dowright hostile - more hostile than I personally feel), the supportive comments are the ones sticking with me - reminding me that there are a lot of people like her, hating me and finding me disgusting just for existing.

I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with a shovel. It’s taken me years to convince myself that I do have an unconditional right to exist (not only so long as I’m trying and succeeding at being slimmer), and that I was safe to swim, bicycle, walk and even just be in public, because no one was thinking all of the horrible things I imagined they were.

Then Maury Kelly proved me wrong - some people really are thinking those things. Some people are disgusted with me simply at the sight of me walking across a room.

On one hand I feel “she’s an idiot, and why do I care what she thinks,” and on the other, I’m sitting here balling (and I usually don’t cry), and it’s not the first time since I read the article.

I was really excited about going to a Halloween party tomorrow night (decided on a Wagnerian Valkyrie costom, that I thought was pretty nifty), and now I’m afraid to go. It doesn’t sound fun anymore.

This isn’t me. At least it’s not 44 year old me. This is 12 year old me.

Why do I care what Maura Kelly thinks of me? Why am I now afraid of all the Maura Kellys in the world, when I’ve spent so many years unafraid?

Before I read the Maura Kelly blog post, I can’t remember the last time I felt like I didn’t deserve to exist. Since reading it, those feelings have been washing over me over and over and over again.

I think I’d rather be hit by a bus than feel this way.

I know I’ll get over this, because I am intelligent and emotionally strong, but I feel like I’ve been kicked in the face, over and over and over again.

I don’t feel intelligent and strong, I feel sad and tired and I feel fatter than I’ve ever felt. Twice as fat as I ever was. It’s been a really long time since I hated being me. I didn’t think I could ever feel that way again.

10 Comments

Jackie says 30th October @ 6:42

It really makes sense, hope that you will add some more soon!

Serita says 30th October @ 11:21

Hello :) Is it OK that I kinda off topic? I’m trying to read the site on my new Mac but it won’t show properly, do you have any recommendations? Should I try and find an fix for my browser or something? Thanks for the help I hope! Serita x :)

kaplods says 30th October @ 14:36

I’m not very tech savvy, so I can’t help, but maybe someone else reading will know? Anybody?

Maybe the Apple website would have tips? If it’s a common problem, it’s probaby in a FAQ section. Maybe?

Tilburg says 1st November @ 15:16

Hi there thanks for this very interesting post. But I still don’t understand the first part though! - Tilburg

Miss K says 6th November @ 19:23

i just read the article and even if there are a number of insensitive points made, you can’t discount the entire article. She makes some excellent points; obesity rates are at their highest; unhealthy weights whether high OR low should not be glamorized nor encouraged; one’s weight IS largely within one’s control.
I dont know, but it does make sense that a great number of people with weight issues take issue with her POV. It is only one POV and if I based my life around one silly blogger’s opinion, I’d be a sad sad person indeed.

avg Free says 13th November @ 17:27

how to use

jimmy says 17th November @ 13:27

sweet

Screaming Fat Girl says 19th November @ 5:02

The way this situation made you feel is the way I’ve been feeling most of my life. People have never let me forget that I’m disgusting because of my weight in one way or another. It started when I got chubby in 4th grade and has not let up for more than brief periods of time since then. This is the sort of thing which I’ve mentioned before that I simply cannot “choose” to let go of and make myself happy with who I am. The worst part is that, for me, it is integrated so deeply that losing weight will not make it end. The only thing that will is a great deal of psychological work and attempts to “heal” the damage done, and that is a road I’m still traveling down. If you were happy with your life up to this point, then I envy you that you were sufficiently “bullet proof” for so long.

It doesn’t help that there are ignorant people out there like “Miss K” who say things like “one’s weight IS largely within one’s control.” If people were really capable of controlling their weight, no one would be fat. One can no longer control their weight by choice than one can merely decide not to be depressed or diabetic. Obesity is a symptom of a mental or physical (or both) disorder (just like depression or diabetes). Anyone who feels otherwise has a need to judge others in order to elevate themselves or is seriously lacking in education. No one would be fat if it was within their power not to be. They either lack the psychological or physiological capacity to be anything else. Those who manage to lose weight often regain because the changes they make are not permanent and the root of the problem is not “cured”. They just manage to shunt it aside and diminish the “symptom” for awhile.

I don’t have any answers for your pain, Kaplods, except to say that I have felt it and feel it, too. The bottom line though is that those people who are disgusted by you or anyone who is overweight are really projecting their own issues outward. They hate on others because they have their own problems, just as people have hated on various minorities in the past (and in some cases, in the present). It isn’t about you. It’s about them, and how truly ugly they feel inside rather than whether you are “ugly” on the outside. That’s the trite thing people always say about these things, but it does happen to be true. No one hates on or feels disgust for others who is self-actualized and happy with their lives. People who are really happy have no need to judge and can mind their own business. We can see that there are very few truly happy people out there.

math games for kids says 4th January @ 3:12

pass it on

james says 8th January @ 18:29

cool


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