Archive for April, 2009

Uncharted Waters

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

I’m only 2 lbs away from my all-time weight loss “record” of 70 lbs (which I was able to accomplish in highschool only with the assistance of presription amphetemine diet pills).

I’m excited, and a little panicky too.  It’s like I’m heading into “uncharted” waters.  The nasty me, is telling me that it really isn’t as big an achievement as I’m thinking, because I’m no where near my goal weight and I lost a much higher proportion of my weight during my high school weight loss (because I went from 225 lbs to 155 lbs - I had gotten nearly to my goal weight), or even my Nutrisystem loss for a friend’s wedding (from 285 lbs. to 225).

I’m usually very proud of my ability to quiet that nasty dieting voice - but it’s been surfacing frequently lately, and I’m not sure why.  Stress (good and bad, I’ve got a lot of things going on right now) could be one reason, or it just may be the fear of uncharted waters.  Part of me says it won’t be “real” success until I get under 155 lbs, only that is truly “uncharted waters.”

I’ve taken much of the power away from my “negative voices,” and yet every once in a while they still crop up - the nasty *****es.

I love my life, as screwed up as it is - and I’m loving the additions I’ve been able to make to it (even starting to suspect I may be able to get back to work in the next couple years).  And yet, fear is cropping up.  Where is it coming from, I wonder.  Is it just feeling that the success I’ve had is unprecedented, and is bound to fail because it always has?

I don’t feel I’m in any danger of backsliding or giving up at all.  Just stumped as to why my brain is going where it has been.

I always feel better when I vent here, so for what it’s worth to anyone else, I don’t know, but it seems to be working for me.  People fascinate me, and sometimes no one more than myself.