I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever. Not so much a perfectionist, as a dabbler. I want to do EVERYTHING. I was the kid who wanted to be a fire fighter, novelist, psychologist, doctor, poet, actress, college professor, artist.
As an adult, I haven’t been any different. I always did more than “just” one job. I worked part-time (nearly full-time) when I was in graduate school full-time, and when money ran out, I swithched and worked full-time (plus overtime) and finished graduate school full time. After graduate school, I taught college part-time and worked as a probation officer full-time plus. When my health started deteriorating, I retrained in computer programming so I could have a desk job rather than all the traveling I was doing in my social service job.
I’ve “collected” hobbies from writing to crochet to dollmaking and polymer clay, and dozens of other crafts I thought sounded fun.
I’ve been overweight, morbidly obese even since early grade school. It wasn’t that weight loss wasn’t a priority – it’s just that I was trying to do so much, I couldn’t seem to stay focused on the weight loss to be successful in the long term. I came close a couple times. The first time with the aid of prescription amphetemines (starting at only 12 or 13
years old), the second time on Nutrisystem to lose weight for a friends wedding, and a third time to try to avoid back surgery after herniating a disk). I lost 60 to 70 lbs each time.
Since having to go on disability, I have a lot more time on my hands, but it doesn’t really feel that way. I still want to try and do everything. I want to lose 200 lbs, finish my novel, I want to write and sell crochet and other craft patterns, and make dolls and doll furniture – selling them on ebay, etsy, ravellry and craft shows. I want to bicycle, swim, geocache, and volunteer at the local animal shelter, keep a spotless home and…. (well, I could go on forever).
More than every, I know that I can’t do it all, but I still want to. How do I stop wanting to do it all? How do I decide what to do, if I can’t do it all?
Sometimes knowing I can’t do everything, makes me feel like I can’t do anything. Especially when my limits are so much more than they were just a few years ago. If I felt frustrated at not being able to do it all when I was able-bodied and working, now that I have more physical limitations, the frustration is even more difficult.
It reminds moe of the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I guess I don’t have true serenity. I have great difficulty accepting the things I cannot change. I also often do not always have the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can change, and the things I can’t. And I’m very impatient even with the things I can change (just not right this minute).
I’m better. A lot better, than I used to be. I’m learning that I don’t have to give up, when weight loss doesn’t come easily. I can do “this” (working on weight loss) forever, whether or not the progress meets my hopes and expectations. Even when I am less successful at weight loss, I am still succeeding at weight maintenance.
I don’t know whether wanting it all helps me or holds me back from success. Maybe if I wittled down my expectations, I could put more effort and succed more with my “top 3.” The problem is I’m not sure which are my top 3.
Hubby says I need a schedule, or some way to organize my time so that I can reign myself in. Sometimes I feel like who I AM, is wrapped up in the swirling, hurricane that is my imaginatation. If I become organized, I won’t still be me.
And yet, if I don’t reign this in, I will always dabble at everything, and succeed at nothing. Is “good enough,” good enough?
Criminy, I think I tend to overthink everything (options, options – all I ever see is options. Never decisions, only options).