Archive for September, 2008

Disaster!

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

My computer crashed! This has happened to me twice before in my lifetime (lost everything) and I still haven’t learned to back up everything.

None of it was really essential (I have learned to back that stuff up), but there were a lot of things on there that not having isn’t a tragedy, just an inconvenience.

The computer is old enough that buying a new one probably is more affordable than fixing the old one (if it can be fixed - the first computer I had that this happened to, I ended up paying half what a new computer would have costed just to hear “there’s nothing we can do.”)

My husband’s friend loaned me the computer I’m writing on at the moment. I’m very grateful, but it’s pretty wonky and unpredictable, “broken” really (which is why he was able to loan it to me), but at least I can do the essentials.

It’s funny though that what I’m “limited” to doing, is far more than my first computer was even able to do.

My weight loss has alot in common, but in the reverse way. I am celebrating successes that are so small, that several years ago I would have seen as failures. If I lost a quarter pound, I’m excited, when in my 20’s a quarter pound loss would have had me depressed and ready to quit. It’s funny what a change in perspective can do for you.

Trying to do everything

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever. Not so much a perfectionist, as a dabbler. I want to do EVERYTHING. I was the kid who wanted to be a fire fighter, novelist, psychologist, doctor, poet, actress, college professor, artist.

As an adult, I haven’t been any different. I always did more than “just” one job. I worked part-time (nearly full-time) when I was in graduate school full-time, and when money ran out, I swithched and worked full-time (plus overtime) and finished graduate school full time. After graduate school, I taught college part-time and worked as a probation officer full-time plus. When my health started deteriorating, I retrained in computer programming so I could have a desk job rather than all the traveling I was doing in my social service job.

I’ve “collected” hobbies from writing to crochet to dollmaking and polymer clay, and dozens of other crafts I thought sounded fun.

I’ve been overweight, morbidly obese even since early grade school. It wasn’t that weight loss wasn’t a priority - it’s just that I was trying to do so much, I couldn’t seem to stay focused on the weight loss to be successful in the long term. I came close a couple times. The first time with the aid of prescription amphetemines (starting at only 12 or 13
years old), the second time on Nutrisystem to lose weight for a friends wedding, and a third time to try to avoid back surgery after herniating a disk). I lost 60 to 70 lbs each time.

Since having to go on disability, I have a lot more time on my hands, but it doesn’t really feel that way. I still want to try and do everything. I want to lose 200 lbs, finish my novel, I want to write and sell crochet and other craft patterns, and make dolls and doll furniture - selling them on ebay, etsy, ravellry and craft shows. I want to bicycle, swim, geocache, and volunteer at the local animal shelter, keep a spotless home and…. (well, I could go on forever).

More than every, I know that I can’t do it all, but I still want to. How do I stop wanting to do it all? How do I decide what to do, if I can’t do it all?

Sometimes knowing I can’t do everything, makes me feel like I can’t do anything. Especially when my limits are so much more than they were just a few years ago. If I felt frustrated at not being able to do it all when I was able-bodied and working, now that I have more physical limitations, the frustration is even more difficult.

It reminds moe of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I guess I don’t have true serenity. I have great difficulty accepting the things I cannot change. I also often do not always have the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can change, and the things I can’t. And I’m very impatient even with the things I can change (just not right this minute).

I’m better. A lot better, than I used to be. I’m learning that I don’t have to give up, when weight loss doesn’t come easily. I can do “this” (working on weight loss) forever, whether or not the progress meets my hopes and expectations. Even when I am less successful at weight loss, I am still succeeding at weight maintenance.

I don’t know whether wanting it all helps me or holds me back from success. Maybe if I wittled down my expectations, I could put more effort and succed more with my “top 3.” The problem is I’m not sure which are my top 3.

Hubby says I need a schedule, or some way to organize my time so that I can reign myself in. Sometimes I feel like who I AM, is wrapped up in the swirling, hurricane that is my imaginatation. If I become organized, I won’t still be me.

And yet, if I don’t reign this in, I will always dabble at everything, and succeed at nothing. Is “good enough,” good enough?

Criminy, I think I tend to overthink everything (options, options - all I ever see is options. Never decisions, only options).

Update on Insane Beans

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

I read the shelf price wrong, and the haricot verts green beans were under $4 a package, not over $6  At about $2 per lb, that’s not any more than I pay for fresh green beans or snap peas at the farmer’s market.

I’ve eaten 3 more lbs of them since my last post.  I’ve also had some tummy problems, but I am learning moderation (takes me two or three days to eat a pound rather than a pound in a single sitting.