Starting Over, Take 1,847

I haven’t updated the blog in nearly four months, and I assumed it had died a natural death (Since the 3FC policy is to delete the blogs if they’ve been inactive for 2 months).

I just haven’t had time, and I was taking some of the comments too personally. 

Today though a friend asked me to recommend some good exchange plan cookbooks, and I told her “I know I have a list somewhere,” and when I got home I remembered where that list was (and the only place it was).

ON THIS BLOG.

So I logged in, thinking the odds of my being able to retrieve the list were pretty slim, but got extremely lucky.  It’s still here (with only 800 some comments awaiting moderation).

I still haven’t decided the ultimate fate of this blog, but I’m making this entry to prolong it’s life at least a little while, as I retrieve information from the blog that I might want to transfer.

And to thank everyone who participated in this endeavor with me.

I’ve often asked what made this time different than the thousands of previous attempts.  What was the “last straw.”

I think it’s a common misconception that a person must hit rock bottom to change.   I think that is one path, but I’ve also learned there are others.

For me, there was no straw “this time,” (my most successful weight loss attempt ever).   All of my other significant weight losses did begin with the proverbial “last straw,” but not this time.

I thought that the straw was necessary, and I thought my previous failures were due to a lack of will power on my part, or because I had not het hit bottom.  I think I was wrong.

I didn’t lack willpower, but I was repeatedly dashing my head against the same brick wall.

Seeing that dieting (the way I knew how to do it) only in the end resulted in weight gain, I gave up dieting forever (I thought).

And then without any effort (or even awareness, as I didn’t own a scale) I lost 20 lbs. When my pulmonologist told me this would likely happen after prescribing a cpap machine for me for sleep apnea, I thought he was nuts (I’d never lost weight accidentally in my life).

A year later at my anual checkup I discovered that I lost 20 lbs. What was especially ironic was that it was during a time in which my activity level had drastically fell because of disabling illness (fibromyalgia, insulin resistance, autoimmune disease, arthritis, and copd). I could barely walk, barely breathe, and barely stay awake.

I was so astonished at the 20 lbs, that I decided that if I could lose it without trying, I should be able to keep it off with a little effort, and maybe I could lose more, but I knew I couldn’t go back to dieting the way I was used to dieting.

I decided that I would only make changes that I was willing to commit to for life, whether or not they resulted in any weight loss at all. And for two years those changes didn’t result in any weight loss at all (but I was able to keep the 20 lbs off, which was a small miracle of it’s own. I’d spent most of my life gaining steadily or losing steadily. I had very little experience in maintaining weight loss).

Even though I didn’t lose any weight for those two years, I did gain some pretty incredible health improvements. Just being able to shower standing was a big milestone (I had to have a shower chair), and being able to sleep in a normal bed with my husband. For a year, we had to sleep in seperate bedrooms because hubby could not sleep with my snoring and with the incline I needed. We had to jack the head of my bed up a foot higher than the foot of the bed. All night it felt like I was sliding out of bed, but I needed the steep incline so gravity would help drain gunk from my lungs.

It wasn’t “hitting bottom” that made me desperate to make changes (as much as it would seem logical), it was finding out what made losing easier and less stressful. And for me, it was dieting “backwards” from the way I’d been taught to.

I’d always been taught (by the example of people around me, and the books I’d read) to diet “full-speed-ahead” with the idea that hopefully when I reached goal weight, I could back off. Start with 1,000 calorie diet (or less) and as much activity as I could handle without puking, and (eventually in theory) at goal weight I’d be able to eat more and exercise less. I only knew how to lose weight by doing almost nothing else (social life, education, career they all didn’t just take a back seat, they virtually were abandoned).

Eventually I’d always get burnt out on the intense effort and having no life, and would decide that “I’ll never be thin, so what’s the point…”

My doctor also recommended low-carb eating. It took more than a year for me to give it an honest shot, because I was so used to seeing low-carb as an unhealthy and even potentially dangerous diet. But eventually I learned that low-carb is the only way I’m able to control hunger. It was another way to make weight loss easier.

This is the easiest, lowest stress weight loss I’ve evern accomplished. Sure it’s slower, and I do want to pick up the pace, but not as badly as I want to keep the easy, low-stress pace, because I think the ease and stresslessness are the secrets to my success. I’ve never lost nearly this much weight before. 70 lbs was my previous record, and that was with amphetamine diet pills and my best (teenage) metabolism.

I think the biggest change though has been in how I view weight loss. This time I value every ounce lost. In the past, I thought only making it to goal weight counted or mattered. When I felt like I couldn’t lose any more weight, I felt “what’s the use, I’ll never make it to goal.” Now I think “Even if I can’t make it to goal, I can keep off what I’ve lost so far.”

Even if I can’t make it to goal, I can keep off what I’ve lost so far.

I think it wasn’t so much a “last straw” as a paradigm shift - that is “thinking outside the box.” I realized that there are a lot of dieting myths and “traditions” that I had learned without realizing I had learned them. One of them was giving up when the process became frustrating. I’d seen my mother do it, my grandmother do it, so many friends and strangers at WW, TOPS, and OA meetings. I realized that I had learned to do weight loss wrong, just because it’s how I saw most people doing it.

Every parent says “do what I say, not what I do,” but observational learning is an extremely powerful force. Mostly we learn what we see, even if we know it’s not the most effective strategy. It isn’t very easy to learn from other people’s mistakes (especially if the mistake is almost universal).

It’s a bit like swearing when you bang your thumb or toe. If it’s what you’ve learned, unlearning it can be more challenging than you imagine.

Unlearning. I think that’s really been the “secret” of my success this time. And some of it, I didn’t realize I had learned, which made unlearning that much larger a challenge.

Because so often overweight folks are told they’re lazy, crazy, stupid, or selfish -  it’s very hard for some of us to put ourselves first (because it feels like it just confirm all the nasty things people are saying about us).

So my “resolution” this year is to be more selfish, I’m going to make me a higher priority.   My goal won’t be to always put myself first, or to hurt others to help myself, but I am going to stop putting myself dead last.  I always want to be in my top five.  So often, I’m not even in my top fifty.

I like helping people.  I like that about me, but I have to stop letting it pressure me into choices that aren’t in my own best interest.  Generosity is wonderful, but self-interest is important, because if I give away everything I have, I have nothing to give to anyone else.

I suspect that the more I put into me, the more I’ll have to give away.  I am making an investment in myself, and I expect it to pay off exponentially. 

David Kessler’s book “The End of Overeating,” really opened my eyes. Although I already (thought that I) understood carb addiction, I didn’t realize that my attempts at moderation with trigger foods were much like trying to use heroine, crack, and crystal meth “in moderation.” If even lab rats got hooked on these foods, how can I break the addiction?

I’m trying to eliminate all of the foods that trigger overeating, but I’m having mixed success. I’m a former probration officer, and if bingeing on trigger foods were illegal and there was “food probation” my probation would be revoked (or at least I’d be mandated into treatment).

We don’t look at food issues as addictions, though. While there are treatments available for a lot eating disorders, overeating is not one of them (well, there is treatment available, but it tends to be more expensive than other eating disorder treatments, and it’s generally not covered by medical insurance).

If you stop eating, you’re ill with anorexia, but if you can’t stop eating you’re just a lazy glutton (or if you’re thin, you’re lucky, unless you barf it up then you’re ill with bulimia).

I’m not whining that there isn’t help out there for overeaters, there is and a lot of it’s even free, it’s just buried in so much misinformation it’s hard to find.

Confusing the issue even more, is the fact that not all overeaters are overweight, and not all overweight and obese are chronic or compulsive overeaters.

I’m learning that even some foods people assume to be healthy foods, are nonetheless triggers for me, and it’s so hard to look at these foods as drugs when our culture does not. Even when I know these foods are as emotionally and physically dangerous to me as street drugs would be to a drug addict, I’m still thinking it won’t be Christmas unless I have a few pieces of my mother’s homemade caramels, even though last year I had a “sugar bender” like I hadn’t had in decades after a few pieces of those caramels. In less than 7 days, I had eaten more sugar than I probably had eaten in the entire previous year (I didn’t gain much weight, because I did get right back on track, but I felt like I was hit by a bus, and the taste of those caramels was not worth walking out in front of a bus on purpose, so what the heck did I think I was doing?)

Maybe there will be a day I can do trigger foods in moderation, but I rather doubt it (especially after reading David Kessler’s book). I just don’t know if I’ll ever acheive true and complete abstinence with so many people, including close family and friends and even the television pressuring me to have at least “just one bite” all of the time.

Maura Kelly’s blog article Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Even on TV?) on the Marie Claire magazine’s website in which she says:

…I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

it’s tearing me up, and I don’t really know why or how to stop it. I think I’ve read almost every one of the 2549 comments on the article (as well as the articles and comments on the “counterpoint” blog posts - and their comments too).

Even though most of the comments were critical of Maura Kelly (and many dowright hostile - more hostile than I personally feel), the supportive comments are the ones sticking with me - reminding me that there are a lot of people like her, hating me and finding me disgusting just for existing.

I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with a shovel. It’s taken me years to convince myself that I do have an unconditional right to exist (not only so long as I’m trying and succeeding at being slimmer), and that I was safe to swim, bicycle, walk and even just be in public, because no one was thinking all of the horrible things I imagined they were.

Then Maury Kelly proved me wrong - some people really are thinking those things. Some people are disgusted with me simply at the sight of me walking across a room.

On one hand I feel “she’s an idiot, and why do I care what she thinks,” and on the other, I’m sitting here balling (and I usually don’t cry), and it’s not the first time since I read the article.

I was really excited about going to a Halloween party tomorrow night (decided on a Wagnerian Valkyrie costom, that I thought was pretty nifty), and now I’m afraid to go. It doesn’t sound fun anymore.

This isn’t me. At least it’s not 44 year old me. This is 12 year old me.

Why do I care what Maura Kelly thinks of me? Why am I now afraid of all the Maura Kellys in the world, when I’ve spent so many years unafraid?

Before I read the Maura Kelly blog post, I can’t remember the last time I felt like I didn’t deserve to exist. Since reading it, those feelings have been washing over me over and over and over again.

I think I’d rather be hit by a bus than feel this way.

I know I’ll get over this, because I am intelligent and emotionally strong, but I feel like I’ve been kicked in the face, over and over and over again.

I don’t feel intelligent and strong, I feel sad and tired and I feel fatter than I’ve ever felt. Twice as fat as I ever was. It’s been a really long time since I hated being me. I didn’t think I could ever feel that way again.

For all of my life, I’ve been “on a diet” far more than “off a diet”.  I used to (only half-jokingly) tell doctors that if I was lucky, I had only a one week opportunity to lose weight every month.  I gained 10-15 lbs every month during my period, which took two weeks of fierce dieting to lose, and if I was lucky I’d have a week to actually lose some weight.

Most of the weight (in theory) was water-weight.  I still put on 8 to 10 lbs every month just from water-retention.  I know it’s water weight, because if I manage to stay religiously on-plan, all of the extra weight will disappear in a few days.

Unfortunately most of my life that’s not what happened.  I’ve always found it very difficult to stay on plan during the days before and into my period.  I’d have intense and obsessive pms/tom cravings for beef and chocolate specifically, and fat and sugar generically - and seeing the huge “unfair” weight gain, combined with the constant cravings,  I’d get so discouraged that I’d give in to the cravings (making some of the “temporary” weight gain, actual permanent weight gain).

I’ve learned to stay mostly on-plan during “meat week” (as hubby calls my pms/tom), so I don’t gain any more than 8-10 lbs “that week” and all of that is gone by the next week.  I don’t often lose during that week, but at least I’ve changed my “odds” for potential weekly weight loss from 1 in 4,  to 3 of 4.  I don’t always lose 3 weeks out of 4, but at least I don’t have to spend most of the month fighting to lose what I gained during “meat week.”

I still find it hard not to get angry and frustrated at the inevitable monthly weight gain.  I’ve tried all manner of things to prevent that monthly weight gain, and have never been able to do it.  Eating very low-carb and drinking lots of water does help get the water-weight to disappear faster, and birth control helps reduce the intensity of monthly cravings, but I still find my first reaction to seeing the “unfair” weight gain is to console myself by giving in to the comfort-food cravings.

In the scheme of things - it’s only a week.  I should be able to resist the cravings for a week, and usually I remember this, and usually it works.    Yet sometimes I feel just as helpless and hopeless as I did when I was gaining or maintaining my weight.  Being on a downward journey hasn’t made the monthly detour any easier.  In fact, sometimes it almost makes it worse, as the irrational voice inside myself says I should have learned a way to beat this by now.  I should have found a way to prevent the inevitable.

Maybe there is a way, but maybe my body just needs that 8 lbs of water every month.  It’s just for a few days, I should be able to accept it by now (after 35 years of the monthly experience).  And the truth is most months I do, but it’s a grudging acceptance.  It still feels “unfair,” and it still feels like I should be able to indulge the cravings (as a consolation prize for the weight gain?)

As “unfair” as the weight gain seems, I have to remember that giving in to the cravings is even more unfair to myself - because it results in making some of the temporary water-weight -  permanent fat weight.

Today I was excited to see fresh Rambutan in a local asian grocery.  I’ve seen pictures of the fruit before, and have seen it cans, but canned fruit doesn’t really appeal to me.

Rambutan, longan, and lychee are related fruit.  They all have leathery skin, that when peeled off yeilds a fruit that resembles a large peeled grape.  Inside each fruit is a large pit about the size and shape of an almond (but it’s smooth, firm and shiny - almost like an almond-shaped buckeye)

The name rambutan is derived from the Malay word for “hair,” and it’s the rambutan’s hair that set it apart from the other lychee-like fruits.  The wikipedia article calls the hairs “fleshy pliable spines,” which I think describes the texture better than hair.  

(to see a photo and a description of the fruit, here’s a link to the wikipedia article on Rambutan) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rambutan

When I saw them, they reminded me of tribbles, those furry little pet/pests from Star Trek, but when I touched them, I decided they weren’t tribbles so much as kooshballs (those soft rubber balls with hairs/spikes). 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koosh_ball

Adorable, and tasty - what more can you ask from a fruit?

So they’re cute, but are they good?

Oh, my yes!

Similar to both lychee and longan, and almost a flavor cross between the two.  The lychee has a very sweet and floral scent and flavor.  The longan has a milder, more subtle, but also more complex flavor (but be aware that there are at least two types of longan that are sold in the US.  The grocery store owner told me that the longan sold still attached to their branches are the more expensive and the better flavored.  The ones sold loose are cheaper and the flavor is more musky, almost a fermented flavor, like that of beer.

The first longans I tried were sold off the stem, and I did not like them at all.  They tasted like warm, flat sweetened beer (I hate beer, so I was not impressed).  Then I tried the higher quality longan and was very impressed. 

The rambutan fall right in the middle of they lychee in terms of the flavor and aroma.  Less perfumey than lychee, more so than longan.  The lychee is very sweet and the flavor lingers on the tongue longer.  The longan is slightly less sweet and the flavor disapears from your mouth quickly.  The rambutan again falls in the middle. 

DRESSING:

3/4 - 1 cup mayonnaise (I like Hellman’s, especially the canola mayo, which only has 45 calories per tablespoon.  The olive oil one has 50 calories, but the flavor is a little stronger) 

3 tablespoons. Splenda

2 tablespoons, blueberry pomegranate vinegar (any mild or fruit flavored vinegar works well.  The vinegar doesn’t have to “match” the fruit you’ve chosen.

Combine salad ingredients together in large mixing bowl, set aside. Combine dressing ingredients together thoroughly. Pour dressing over salad ingredients; stir to blend. Serve (or refrigerate to serve later)

One caution:  Some deeply colored vinegars (such as balsamic, and some fruit and wine vinegars) can give an unappealing brown or gray tinge to the salad dressing. You have a couple options 

Avoid using dark vinegars (but they’re so yummy)

Tell yourself, and your family or guests “It tastes better than it looks”

Add a drop or two of food coloring to the salad dressing (you’ve got to have some artistic talent, or you could make it worse) 

Add chopped or sliced canned beets for example can turn a pinkish-gray salad into a bright pink salad.

Add your vinegar to your mayonaise and sugar mixture very slowly.  If it starts to take on a hue you don’t like, add a little more mayo to get it back to a color you like and if it needs more vinegar, use a clear vinegar for the remainder of the vinegar.

I bought a few frozen dinners last week.   I don’t eat frozen meals very often, because they’re so often disappointing in taste and texture the portions are ridiculously tiny, there’s hardly a vegetable to be found - and they’re outrageously expensive for what you get.  Even the 99 cent ones have less than 10 cents worth of ingredients if you were to make it at home, but….

They’re convenient, especially for sick days or other situations in which anything more challenging than rinsing an apple is too much work.

So when our grocery store had a special on Healthy Choice dinners, I bought several.

I didn’t expect to be impressed, but I was. 

Don’t get me wrong, these are not great food, either in taste or healthfulness.  Anything you make yourself is going to be healthier and probably tastier, but for frozen dinners they were surprisingly good (so far I’ve tried the Honey Balsamic Chicken, the Sesame Glazed Chicken, and

The Honey Balsamic Chicken per the label, contains “chicken tenderloins with red potatoes, asparagus, cherry tomatoes in honey-herb balsamic glaze.”
 
Also according to the label

Calories       220
Fat                  3.5 g
Carbs             34g
Fiber               5g
Sugar              3g
Proten          13g
Sodium          540 mg
WW points       4
Exchanges:      2 starch, 1 vegetable, 1 lean meat {protein}

I follow an exchange plan (and usually track calories too).  I can translate any nutrition label into exchanges, using the math I learned in the book “Exchanges for All Occasions.”  It’s not complicated math, and only takes a few minutes, but Healthy Choice gets “points” from me for having this information on the box, and it’s easy to find - underneath the standard Nutrition label is a green box for Weight Watchers Points, and under that, the diet exchanges.
The chicken pieces are typical frozen dinner chicken pieces.  Brined with salt and other preservatives so they have a deli-meat/ham texture (I don’t know how else to describe it - you probably know what I’m talking about, the chicken “breasts” you can buy that have the fake “grill markes” molded into the tops).  

The asparagus wasn’t mushy (big plus), and there was a fair amount of it.   I didn’t have to pick around the cherry tomatoes - I’m not a big fan of large pieces of cooked tomato.  It’s a texture thing.  If you love them, you’ll probably be disappointed, there were only three halves in the entire dish. 

The sauce is tasty, but a little too sweet (though not as cloying as many frozen dinners).  And unlike many, the entree isn’t swimming in the sauce.

My main criticism is the low protein level and the high carb count (proportionally).  Only 1 protein exchange is a bit skimpy, especially as it’s outnumbered by starch exchanges.

Also, the calorie count is too low to consider a real full meal for most (especially dinner).  Though the portion is decent considering how low the calories.  To make a frozen dinner more filling, I serve them on top of or along side raw or cooked vegetables.  A bed of lettuce, cooked or raw spinach, french style green beans, roasted eggplant…

Several years ago, I found a recipe strawberry daiquiris, in one of Joanna Lund’s Healthy Exchanges books (I’ll include my modifications after the basic recipe).

 Joanna Lund’s Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

2 cups frozen strawberries no sugar added (do not thaw)
2 cups Diet Mountain Dew
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 package JELL-O sugar-free strawberry gelatin 4 serving

PreparationIn a blender container, combine strawberries, Diet Mountain Dew, lemon juice, lime juice, and dry gelatin. Process on HIGH 15 seconds. Continue processing on HIGH until mixture is smooth. Pour into 4 glasses

As written, the recipe is good, but I found that the diet jello isn’t necessary (but if you do use it, unless you’re a gambler by nature, only use Jello-brand.  Some store-brands work fine, others are horrible).

Instead of Mountain Dew, I often use Diet Sprite or Crystal Light (actually Walmart’s version - pink lemonade and cherry lime are my favorite), or flavored sparkling water (Walmart, Target, and Aldi all carry their own brands and flavors - I’ve used pomegranate, raspberry, lime, wild cherry).

I’ve also used other frozen fruits.  Pineapple, blackberries, raspberries (just remember the fruit has to be at least partially frozen).

I also love making strawberry or other berry sorbet.  Just by cutting back the liquids (start with a small splash, you can always add more until it’s the consistency you want).

Process until it’s the texture you want (I like it very smooth). Pour into a bowl or glass - and then sweeten to taste (if the berries or your processing liquid are very sweet, you may not need any sweetener).

I prefer to sweeten in the glass, because everyone can sweeten to their taste.  

If you don’t have a blender, the food processor works fine.  For sorbet, I think the food processor works best. To make beverages, it can be a bit messy - so before I had a blender, I would make sorbet, spoon it into the glass, and then add more liquid and stir in the glass (or if you don’t stir, it make a pretty “float”).

There really are endless variations, so experiment with ingredients and proportions.