Nikki, where are you?

I seem to have lost myself. I can’t find her. I’m going to post a reward soon.

This morning turned out terrible. I left my house at 9am so I would have a lot of time to find the place I needed to be at. I ended up passing the street and got so nervous that I was going to end up on high way that I started panicking. I finally turned around and was *so* close to just going home until I passed the street again. So, I found the building, parked, went in and tried to find where I needed to be. I asked a security guard if Tri State Consumer Insurance was in that building. Apparently - it was not. Google’s maps were obviously screwing around with me because that was *not* the address I needed to be at. I had about 20 minutes to find my car and get to the right building. At this point I’m shaking and in tears. It takes me 15 minutes just to locate my car in the massive parking lot. I call Janet and ask her to reschedule for tomorrow at the same time. Luckily, she agreed to my request. On the way home, I went a different way and ended up passing the place that I needed to be at in the first place. Heh. I was a little confused though because the woman said I needed to be on the third floor but the building I passed did not seem like multiple-floor type of place. Sigh.

Drew doesn’t know what to do when something like that happens. I always turn to him but he says the wrong thing that just makes me more upset. He grew up in a “tough love” house hold and that’s just not how I operate. I end up getting rebellious and more upset than I already was. I haven’t spoken to him in almost six hours. I think the silence is mutual, however. He doesn’t know how to make me feel better and I don’t want to complain and talk to someone who won’t understand. Not many people *do* understand my anxiety issues. For this reason, I’ve been sheltered up in my room all day long with TV and Chinese food. Oh, and I took a nap. Productive, right?

However, i guess tomorrow is a brand new day. Today was a waste. If I can’t get control of my anxiety when driving and/or doing things out of the ordinary then I’m going to have to see a doctor and get prescribed some sort of mind altering drug. So, we’re going to try this again. Tomorrow I have the rescheduled interview at 10am. After that’s all said and done I might go to the nail salon to get my fill in for my nails. It might not be a bad idea to walk there instead of drive. I could get a little exercise in and maybe stop off at Subway before heading home.

Okay, I guess that’s all from me today. Hope you girls are doing better than I am.

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 16th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | 1 Comment »

Getting back into the swing of things..

Good morning, girls. It’s 9:26am, I’m awake. What more do you want? =P

Yesterday was a really good food day. In fact, I woke up around 3:30am and I was hungry. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time and it felt really nice. I didn’t feel stuffed before bed. Snacks yesterday included strawberries & cherries, a yogurt and a 90 cal fiber one bar after dinner. All good things.

Exercise did not happen but I am making it a point to have that happen today at some point. I need to start scheduling in my work outs. Maybe that will help me to become consistent. I do know that seeing Drew at his class the other day really sparked my urge to sweat and feel that muscle burn. I’ve got all of these Denise Austin discs that I’ve only used a handful of times. I need to take advantage of them. Maybe at some point I will begin to feel comfortable enough to go to the gym classes that I miss so much. Kickboxing, step, total body work out, ultimate fat burner, bar and ball.. God, I was a beast. I would work out from an hour and a half to two hours from Monday through Thursday and I loved it. I never thought I would ever stop or get out of that routine. Unfortunately, life happens and it messes you up. Time to find a new routine.

I plan on stopping at the super market for a few choice things. I don’t have much money right now but I can’t eat healthy and eat what my mom buys. I need to buy things that I can stretch out during the week and make into different healthy meals. Yes, yes. Good, good.

Drew’s birthday is in three days. I won’t be there on Friday but I plan on making it there on Saturday. He says he always gets depressed on his birthday. He wants to do something but he feels “guilty”. I know of people getting depressed on their birthdays. I don’t know how to handle that because I’m always jumping for joy when it’s my birthday. I never used to like to be the center of attention but I think after the weight loss I’ve become very fond of it.. lol :) So, I have to pick up a card and a gift for him. I have *no* idea what to get him though. There are a few TV series that he’d like on disc. His Dream Cast is giving him problems so I could get him a new one of those. I should get him something that will actually be helpful money wise. He’s always complaining that he doesn’t have it. He get’s Starbucks coffee almost every day at work. I could get him a $40.00 GC from there and I’m sure he’d really appreciate it. It’d give him the extra money to use on other items. I don’t know. Sigh.

I’ve also got to call Janice from Tri State Consumer Insurance back. She said she wanted to meet with me so we could schedule something for tomorrow at some point. I think it’s a little out of my league but hell.. why not go for it? You really never know when someone is going to like you. It’s unfortunate because on every office job I have interviewed for, I have always been very upbeat and playful. I’m starting to think that they would prefer professionalism over being happy and upbeat. Am I supposed to hate my job if I work in an office? I notice that on the first retail job I applied for in the same matter I land on the spot. Hmm. Interesting.

It’s going to be a beautiful day and I would *love* to lounge in the sun for part of it. The pool may be a bit too cold but my father just built a deck surrounding it. I could bring my book, throw together some sort of fruit spritzer and sip it pool side. Hehe. I know my pasty legs are yearning for some sunshine :P

Well. I guess that’s all from me. Time to refill the cup of coffee and call Janice. Have a great day all.

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 15th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | 1 Comment »

And back to normal, I go.

Hey girls.

I am happy to report that I am home and attempting to get back to some form of normalcy. Last week was a mess. I was depressed, anxious and completely abusive towards my mental and physical self. Not good. Not good at all.

I have not weighed myself in about three weeks. I’m certain that my weight has shot back up to 157. That hurts when I was seeing 150. Sigh. One pound away from seeing that 149 that I wanted so badly. Damn.

I know what is to blame. No exercise. Horrible foods. I’m talking bad. Like.. cookies, cake, potato chips, grease, beef, pork, white bread, little to no veggies. Sigh. I’ve realized that my.. bowel movements haven’t been the norm for me as I’ve been severely slacking in the fiber area the past week. This week will be different. I’ve got to get back to the gym for my sanity. I watched Drew at his Kung Fu class and it made me miss that sweaty bleary eyed feeling after a really intense work out.

So, everything is okay with the car now. It’s been fixed and paid for. Drew and I drove it back to the island on Saturday evening after going out for Hibachi for a friends birthday. It only took about an hour and 20 minutes to get home which was awesome. I missed home. I missed the smell of it. I missed my family. I missed my normal routine - or whatever remnants of a routine I have left. Last night Drew and I went over to Ashleys for the True Blood premier. I was very excited about it. I know Drew was not looking forward to it because it’s not his kind of thing but I sit through horrible movies with him all the time. He at least owed me this. Speaking of Drew..

He was wonderful this past week. What with my depression and anxiety - he was there through out the entire thing and was willing to do just about anything to help me. I love him so much. I can’t believe how blessed I am to have such a beautiful person in my life. That man holds my heart.

Anyway - I am back to the basics. Drew just left about an hour ago. It’s the first time I’ve been in my own environment and alone in about 10 days. I’m so happy to be home. I applied to a few places online yesterday and I got a call this morning from the Tri State Insurance company. I had applied for a Customer Service Representative position so.. we’ll see what happens with that. She left a message. I plan on calling her back and scheduling a meet up. In the mean time, I’ll continue applying and sending out my resume. I’ve just got to land a job soon. If I don’t, I’ll go crazy.

Oh! Great news. I’ve got a brand new second cousin :) She was born yesterday afternoon and her name is Maya and absolutely adorable. The first time I’ll be seeing her is July 4th. It’s going to be a wonderful day :) I can’t wait. Drew will be here, we’re going out to The Hamptons and it’s our one year anniversary.

I guess that’s all going on right now. I’m grateful for today to just relax and be with myself for a little while. I plan on reading, showering, shaving, plucking and moisturizing :) Tomorrow will start my days back at the gym. Before bed I will set out my gym clothes and bottle of water. After my work out I’ll head to the food store for some choice items that I’m severely lacking in at home. I’ve got to get to the nail place sometime at the end of the week for a fill in. I’m loving having my nails even if Drew doesn’t. Ashley says they’re “not me”. I don’t care. I like them. They make me feel girly and cute :) It’s a nice way to treat myself at only 20 dollars.

Welp, I guess I should be ending this entry. I’ve written a lot already and my coffee cup needs to be refilled. Love to all. I hope everyone is doing good. :D

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 14th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | 1 Comment »

Yeah, F*ck you too.

What the hell is going on in my life? Everything is working against me it seems.

I got my car total - 2234.62.. Are you freaking kidding me? I made a transfer this morning from my mutual fund. It won’t be in my account until the 16th. Great. I tried to increase my credit limit, and I’ve been denied. I am 350 dollars short. I am highly regretting not taking that Home Depot job. I shouldn’t have let other people influence me and my decision. Fuck.

Drew is being as good as he can be. I feel so alone right now. I’ve been hanging out at Drew’s house for the past three days and I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I miss my bed and the comfort of every day life. I’m so lost.

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 10th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | Comment now »

The grass is always greener..

I’m feeling much better today than I have been.

I woke up around 10:30am to an empty house. I washed the dishes, made breakfast, did my laundry, drank my coffee, read and watched True Life on MTV. It’s been a good day so far. I don’t feel like I’m just sitting around and waiting for Drew to come home. That’s been the worst part. I don’t have any where to go. I don’t have anyone to hang out with so I’m just stuck in Drew’s house. I’ve got to try to make myself busy.

I’m going to start applying to places again. I know Drew doesn’t want me to go the retail route but it’s been a month and the whole corporate/office thing isn’t pulling through. I have been side swiped with these car problems and I can’t hold off on work any longer. Lowes had called me about a month ago. I may see if they still need help in their HIcksville store still. If not, I’ll apply to other places.

No word on the car yet. They said they were going to call me yesterday and they never did. This afternoon I had Drew call. I would rather him speak to them because I don’t understand the whole automobile jargon and, let’s face it, I think most places think they can over charge a woman because they don’t know much about cars. In some cases, that’s not the case but in mine, it is. So, yeah. Drew gave them a call and no one answered so they left a message. I am getting frustrated with my car being there. They never gave me a price quote on how much the repairs will cost. I hate not knowing. That’s the worst part. It had better be fixed by the weekend. We’ve got a plan that I’ll stay all week and then Saturday evening Drew and I will drive it back to the island after Damien’s birthday dinner. Sigh!

I learned something interesting the other day. A while back, before Drew and I even met, I had written that I didn’t find him very attractive. Apparently he “googled” my name for the hell of it and fell upon that entry and read part of it. He told me about it and I was pretty embarrassed. Obviously, everything changed once I met him but he said he was really worried about me not finding him attractive. Just made me feel bad and shallow, I guess. It’s so much more different now because I think he’s the most handsome man :)

So, my plan for the next couple of hours is to apply to places online. I’ve got to gather myself, muster as much positive energy as I can and try to get a bit of myself back in the process. Things will work out. An old friend of mine said that the scary and upsetting things that happen to us now will, in the future, just be “another bad story badge” for the belt we all wear.

In any case, I hope you all are having a great week. Keep your head up no matter what life throws at you because underneath the bad will always be friends and loved ones to stand by your side.

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 9th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | Comment now »

Down and out.

My car and my spirit are suffering greatly.

The trip to Foxwoods was fine until we got a call from Valet saying my car was leaking transmission fluid. I didn’t know how bad it was and we had a bunch of activities planned for the day so we decided to worry about it the following morning at check out. After playing bingo on Sunday morning my dad, Drew and myself went to find out what the deal was. There was apparently no fluid left. There is no way it would make it back to Long Island. So, we called AAA and had the car towed to a near by location. I spoke to them yesterday and they weren’t able to fix the car. It needed to go to a transmission place. So, we called AAA once again and had them tow it about 20 minutes from Drew’s house. He gets 100 miles of free towing so it worked out for the best. Now, it’s at Aamco. I spoke to them this morning and they said the transmission needs to come out. I guess they are supposed to call me with an update. Costs and what needs to be done to it, I suppose. I don’t know when I’m going to get home. I need to be the one to get the car and pay for it. As long as it is at Drew’s house it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Sigh.

I’ve been stressed out by all of this. My aunt gave me two Xanax pills but I wish I had more. Drew has been by my side for the past few days. He’s so good to me. Last night we were on opposite ends though. I don’t know. Just a few things combined to make us both a little bit agitated.

The job search has taken a huge back seat with everything else going on the past couple of weeks. I just haven’t had a lot of time. I am regretting not taking that Home Depot job. I should have taken it. I know I wouldn’t be able to see Drew as often as I am now but at least I would feel mentally stable. Right now I feel crazy. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I don’t know where to go from here. I read a comment from Tawnya on my last entry and it made me feel a little better about things. Things come and go. There is no sense dwelling on what is happening now because one day it’ll all be okay again. I’m just starting to lose a little bit of that confidence that I had when I first left the card store. I felt like I could do and be anything I wanted. Now, I’m not so sure. =/

I don’t have anything to do today. Drew is at work until 5:30pm. He is picking me up at that time because he has class at the Dojo and I would like to get out of the house for a little while. I’ll hang out at the Dunkin Donuts around the corner while he takes his classes. I’ll get some coffee and a muffin or something. Bring my iPod and just hang out.

I guess that’s all for now. Needless to say, exercise and food intake has taken a back seat to everything else. It sucks and I’m sure I’m back up in a yucky weight range but I know how to get it back down again..

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 8th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | Comment now »

Someone needs to hold my eyes open.

I am *super* tired today. I don’t really know why. I had a good 8 hours worth of sleep. Shrug.

Today’s plan consists of doing my nails, laundry, packing, filling up my gas tank, going to the bank and the super market. I may also get some gym time in there too. Either that or I’ll hop on the treadmill we have in the back yard.

I haven’t weighed myself after everything from last weekend. I don’t even want to know what it’s going to read.

I almost forgot to mention that I had a great conversation with one of the boys in Connecticut at the Memorial Day BBQ. His name is Kevin and recently lost about 60 pounds. We had a really great talk about the whole process. How we felt before, how we felt during and then how we felt after. That night he friended me on Facebook which was pretty cool. I enjoyed talking to him. Not many people understand the process of emotions in regards to weight loss. It was nice to have that connection with someone about it.

I’ve been considering lately about cutting out some calories by eliminating some bread in take. For example, I usually will have eggs and toast. Why not take away the toast? Yesterday I had two pieces with butter at about 250 calories or so. I could drastically cut down the bread and substitute it for more filling foods. I’ve also not been getting my greens in at all. At the super market I’ll buy some greens and grilled chicken to make a yummy & healthy salad. I’ve also got to pick up some food and beer for Foxwoods. I want to go light on the beer. I’ve been drinking Sams and Blue Moon like it’s going out of style. At about 150 calories per bottle, I’m really damaging myself. I think I’ll sail the bud light wheat route this weekend. :D

Last night for dinner I made a delicious turkey teriyaki cheese burger. Oh. Em. Gee. It was delicious. All I did was take some turkey meat, mush in some sesame teriyaki sauce and WALA!  If I would have let the meat marinate in the sauce it’d probably have been even better. I will definitely be making that again. I co-host a party *one* time and I just want to cook and cook and cook. Hehe :)

Well. I guess that’s all from me this morning. Time to get my day started by making a healthy breakfast :)

Later, girls!

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 3rd, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | 2 Comments »

Helllooooo my chickies!

Hey everyone :) I hope you had as much of a great weekend as I did.

My weekend was fabulous. On Sunday Drew and I met up with my family for The Jersey Boys. The weather was beautiful so we walked to Jekyll & Hydes for lunch. The entertainment was great though the food was mediocre. It was way over priced for eggs, chicken nuggets and french fries. It was still fun though. The play was amazing. All of the performances were incredible and the music was a blast. My family had a great time.

Monday was the Memorial Day BBQ. I spent most of the morning in the kitchen making potato salad, my lemon-raspberry squares and cutting bread for the oil and spices. I was so nervous that I was going to mess up the food but everything tasted wonderful. The potato salad went quickly and there was only three slices left of a double batch of my squares. I also whipped up some deviled eggs which also turned out to be creamy and delicious. Best of all? I didn’t measure much of anything. I think I have a sixth sense of measurement. Soon I’m going to be saying “A dash of this. A pinch of that. A handful of those..” Hehe! Drew was impressed. He didn’t know I could cook because I never really have to around him. All in all? A great success.

Now, it’s back to reality - for a couple of days at least. Tomorrow I’m getting my nails done with my aunt and mother. We’re then packing up and heading to Foxwoods on Friday. We’re hitting up the Titanic and Indian museum on Friday. Saturday morning is bingo and then dinner that evening when Drew is meeting up with us. Check out is on Sunday. It’s going to be fun :) I can’t wait.

On Wednesday I’m hanging out with an old friend. I haven’t seen her in about six years and we have definitely lost touch with each other. We’re meeting in Penn station and then grabbing some lunch in the city. I figure we’ll find a nice place and then hit up a bar or something. Could be fun :)

Can I just say that I have been blessed with such an amazing man in my life? He continues to amaze me every time I am with him. Last night I fell asleep on his bed and when I woke up in the middle of the night because I was freezing there was a comforter at my feet. The night before I, again, fell asleep and when I woke up because I was thirsty there was a fresh bottle of water sitting next to me. I asked him about the comforter and he said “I take care of my baby.” He’s so wonderful. I love him so much.

Anyway. Enough of that mushy love stuff. I don’t have much planned for the remainder of the day. Dad asked me to take my brother up the road to Sears for an interview. I may just give him that ride so I can look around sears. Maybe find a cute new top or something for Foxwoods. I shouldn’t really be shopping but Sears is pretty inexpensive. I could find something pretty cute there.

Welp. I guess that’s all from me today. Time to go watch some TV, read and relax! :)

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 2nd, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | Comment now »

Life must go on.

Life goes on with or without me. No one else is effected by me spending days lying in bed. Only me.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got out of the house in the morning. Mom wanted someone to come along with her to cash in her 1,000 lottery winner. Then we went to about five different stores looking for garlic dipping oil and seasoning. Marc and Gaby had put that out along with bread as appetizers at the baby shower. We all raved about it so I thought it’d be a good idea to buy ourselves. I’m taking some to the Memorial Day cook out. Yum. I’m also making a dessert I’ve never made and potato salads. Yikes. I hope it turns out good :X

My train is at 2:22pm this afternoon. I *really* hope it’s not going to be *too* busy. I have a feeling it’s going to though. Most people have off Friday to Monday. If I have to stand, I have to stand. What am I going to do about it? I’m just so excited I’ll be seeing Drew tonight. I miss him so damn much and my head has been so crazy lately. I just need to be near him. This might be TMI but I can’t wait to sleep naked next to him. It’s one of the safest places in the world for me.

Anyway! I’m all packed up and aside from traveling I don’t have much planned. When he picks me up this evening we’re supposed to be going to the Verizon store to get his cell phone straightened out. Apparently they screwed up his plan and he’s now being charged for text messages when he upgraded. At forty cents each and about 100 messages a day.. you do the math =/ After that we’re supposed to see a movie with Jen, Vency, Vic, Ashley and Damien. I think we’re seeing Prince of Persia. I have *no* urge to see that movie. Absolutely none. Oh well.

Ew. I just checked my weight. 155.5.. =P I know it’s all salt and ridiculousness though because I’ve been eating so horribly all week long. Last week at this time I was seeing 150.0. Oh well.. Shit happens. I will not dwell on things like that any longer. I just can’t afford mentally to do it anymore. So.. I’ll go back to my roots. I’ve been eating out of boredom lately. I’ve recognized it and now I go back to how I used to eat. Yay! All good things.

I’m so happy that I’m in a MUCH better mood today. It could definitely have something to do with the fact that I’m seeing Drew this evening. I just.. I miss him so much :( It’s so hard to have a long distance relationship. We do good with seeing one another every weekend except on those rare occasions where we both have something going on at home.

Anyway, I guess I’ll end this entry since it’s not really going anywhere. I just keep babbling about seeing Drew lol Have a wonderful weekend ladies. Love to all.

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on May 28th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | 2 Comments »

Thursday.

Last night was another bomb of a day. I sat in bed and cried. The only time I left my house was to get dinner.

I made the decision last night to e-mail Mutual of Omaha and retract my appointment for this morning. The past few days I have been feeling intense anxiety and I think it was revolving around that. Most of it could have been from the drive. Some of it could be because I’ve become very introverted. I should have taken that Home Depot job. That was a steady, retail job where I know I could have done something. Why didn’t I accept it? What was I waiting for? Everyone says, “Go corporate. Get an office job. Use your data entry skills.” Yeah, well that’s all I’ve got. I don’t know shit about anything that has to do with computers. I can type. Woo. You just described a great majority of the country.

I’m sorry for the negativity in my last couple of entries. I’m just in a bad place.

I feel pushed right now to do things. I feel like a let down. I told Drew that I e-mailed M.o.O and he said he was “disappointed”. Good. Accept the disappointment and realize that in a relationship with me that is going to be your word of choice 89% of the time. I can’t even talk to him right now. He doesn’t understand. He says “Please make an effort to leave your house today. Don’t fall into this.” Instead of giving me the lecture, words of wisdom or minor scolding with words I’d like him to just say “I’m here for you. Do what you need to do. It will all work out.” Gah! I’m driving myself crazy. I *know* I am being irrational right now. I understand that. Christ! I’m rereading this entry like, who the hell wrote this? Why am I feeling like this? Fuck!

Mom left the post office early today as there wasn’t much to do. I’m coming with her to the lotto claims department because she’s got a 1,000 dollar winner to cash in that she was going to use for the city and Foxwoods. She asked me to go. Then my dad asked me if I would go with her. I think the two of the scheming to get me out of the house for a little while. Now I’m feeling more rebellious. I’m 25. Seriously? Rebellion, Nikki? Are you kidding me?

I’m done with this entry because nothing good is coming of it. At least I recognize my childish attitude right now. Sigh. I don’t even want to go to Connecticut this weekend. I don’t want to see anyone.

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on May 27th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings | 4 Comments »

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