Seriously? Again? Noooooo! =( I’ve got another cold sore. Ugh! This sucks. I hate this. I don’t really care about having this embarassing blemish on my face. The one thing that irritates me the most is I only get to see Drew one night - two at most - and when I have a cold sore I can’t kiss him. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and give me the most toe-curling, passionate kiss and that can’t happen when I have a cold sore. I noticed a small reddish bump today after dinner. It has to be a cold sore. I don’t think it’s a pimple. I’ve been putting Abreva on it and I bought something else called Veractin. A friend of mine suggested it so I just ordered it online. I’ll try anything. Luckily, apparently the first break out is the worst. Sigh! I’ve got the Halloween party on Saturday and next week Drew is coming here for two days. I’m already going to have TOM when he is here so that derails us slightly. Hmph! Things are not working out for me right now!

I’ve been bummed out. Yesterday was bad. I drank too much and I ended up bingeing. That need to just eat came over me. I haven’t felt that in a long time. I just needed anything to satisfy my urge. At one point I was going to heat up a breakfast sandwich at almost 400 calories and then I stopped myself. I probably ate that much in egg salad though. It was just a bad night.

I haven’t been to the gym in a week because of my toes. After two days of running on the treadmill my toenail turned black and liquid built up beneath the nail. I released that liquid and the nail fell off. I researched this and it is apparently common in runners. Either my shoe is too small for me and the tip of my toe is banging against the shoe or my foot is sliding and hitting it. I don’t know which. I think it may be the small shoes so I will have to take a look at that.

Food hasn’t been good. Eating has been my comfort. It seems I don’t have anything to live for until the next meal comes. I don’t get it.

Mom is worried about me =/ My facebook updates have been a bit wonky lately. I honestly think it’s because of TOM coming next week. This is how I usually get. Mom said she doesn’t like me being in a funk and she worries. She said the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with Drew. Her works exactly were “I’m sorry you are so unhappy here.” Sigh. It’s not that I am unhappy here it’s just that I go for wonderful weekends with the man I love and then I’m thrown back into this mundane existance. The wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work. And we start this process over the next day. I *like* traveling. I like feeling like I have something amazing going on in my life. And that amazing thing is Drew. My love for him and my need to be with him increases with every single day that goes by. He believes in me and he is there for me. He loves me no matter what. It’s wonderful and at the same time, it’s terrifying. I don’t want to let him down and I know I’ve been known to do that to people. I’ve never once thought he was too good for me. He’s always spoken to me like I was on the same playing field as him. We have this understanding and connection with eachother. I’m so afraid that will change. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. All of these thoughts are just jumbled around in my head. I don’t know.

Work is work. Same old crap. We got a new lotto machine. It’s all touch-screen. The printer is slow. Indranie informed me a couple days ago that we are  moving the store location. It’s in the same center but a few stores down from where we are now. She knows everyone is looking for new jobs. Nicole is already gone. Ashley starts her part-time bank job next week. She looked at me with these sad eyes and said “Nikki, please don’t leave me. I want you to come with me when we move the store.” Sigh. I hate it when people reach out to me like that. It tugs at my heart strings. And, it’s not like I don’t want to. I would love to stay in the comfortable position that I’ve grown so used to. It’s a matter of me growing up and needing something more suitable for my age. I need to think about where Drew and I can possibly end up together. I know I could get a job anywhere but it’s a matter of me looking for it.

I got a call back from Sleepys for a receptionist position at the main office. I would be taking calls, accepting packages and greeting anyone to walk in the door. I think it’s a job I can do. I just need to have a little bit of faith in myself. She seemed to like me and she said she would transfer over my resume to the heads of management. We’ll see what happens there. I don’t know. Worse comes to worse, I go to the interview and I don’t get the job. At least I’ll have a little bit more experience in interviewing under my melt. We’ll see.

I have off tomorrow and I know if I don’t spread myself out I am going to have a miserable day. It’s supposed to rain constantly and I’ve got a few goals in mind. I’d like to get to the gym, finish up all my laundry and pack some stuff for this weekend. I’m heading to the mall with Nicole and Shannon at the end of the day so that will be nice to hang out with them. I’d like to eat decently. I need to feel in control because I feel so out of it lately. I’m just not happy. It’s so much easier to just bask in my unhappiness than to muster up the energy to do the things I *know* will make me happy. I have to stop taking the easier route out of things. That’s how I became 250 pounds in the first place. I don’t think I will gain back all that weight but I also never thought I would gain back a measely ten pounds and look at where I am now.. Weight was 158.5 yesterday. Ten pounds is nothing. I can shave that off if I wanted to. If I really wanted it. Like how I’ve done it before. I could do it.

I need to stop being so negative in my life. It’s really causing me my mental stability. I need to positive about things. I have to stop saying “I don’t know.” or “I can’t”. Because I DO know and I CAN do it. It’s just whether or not I CHOOSE to do it. I’m going to go to sleep with a clear conscience and an optomistic atittude about waking up tomorrow and beginning my day. I refuse to be so down anymore. It’s not me and it’s not who I was meant to be. Hmph!

Until next time. I’m off to snuggle up in bed and watch some TV. Night all.

- Nikki

I slept until noon today. Oops =P To be fair, I technically woke up at 8:30 with a MASSIVE headache. I took a few aspirin and fell right back to sleep and when I opened my eyes it was 12pm. I haven’t done that in a while and I certaintly think my body needed it.

Last night was great. When I got off the computer I made my dinner, had another cup of coffee and then walked to the gym. I was going to drive but that’s dumb. It’s right around the corner and every little bit of activity helps. I power walked/jogged for three miles. I hopped off at 45 minutes after a 3 minute cool down or something like that. Overall, it was awesome. I definitely noticed that my stamina has decreased. When I looked at my face in the mirror afterwards it was bright red and covered in sweat. It was familiar. And wonderful. I thought “There you are…” =) It was nice. I came home and for a snack I had cottage cheese and two fruit tootsie rolls. The Mentalist came on at 10pm. I watched some of the news at 11pm and then it was dream time for me =D

Today will be a good day. It’s already 1pm. This is why I hate sleeping so late. I feel like the whole day is gone already and I just woke up. Sigh! Anywho, Nicole and I are going to the movies tonight. We are seeing Whip It. I’m excited about it. Ellen Page is a great actress and it’s Drew Barrymores first directorial debut or something along those lines. Should be good. Afterwards it’s home to do laundry and take a shower. I’m not sure what I want to do today for exercise. I can picture myself on that treadmill again today but I won’t have much time. Nicole will be here in less then 2 1/2 hours. So, I think I might pop in my Denise Austin Fat Burning Yoga DVD. Even if I don’t go to the gym it’s not an excuse to skip out on a work out. Whether it’s done from home or at the gym, it’s still exercise and it’s still melting that nasty fat that I want off of my body. Good things. Weekend exercises are going to be hard to come by, simply because I’m either with Drew in CT or he is here. We need to find more ways to be active together. Hmm.

Anywho. I guess that will be the end of this entry. Been sitting here long enough. Think I may straighten up my room. Make my bed and such. Could probably start on the laundry now. Until next time! =)

-Nikki

I have not been to the gym in months. I can’t remember the last time I have gone. Well before the summer even started, I’m sure. Unbelievable. It’s breaking me down. I hate myself. I’m loathing my body. I don’t feel sexy and I don’t feel pretty anymore. I don’t do my hair like I used to and I haven’t worn make up in weeks. Why, when I feel so awful, can’t I get myself fully back on track? I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I’ve done well with food today:

• ww bagel w/ whipped cream cheese, coffee w/ ff creamer
• handful animal crackers
• small salad w/ mixed veggies, cheese & croutons, small bag popcorn
• 1/2 bar 3 Musketeers mint

I’m happy with this so far. I’ve already got dinner planned out. I’m going to have two egg whites, ff cheese and turkey sausages between two whole wheat pieces of toast. No snack or dessert afterwards. Food is not my problem. Alcohol isn’t much of a problem either. I may have a drink every now and then with dinner or with friends. I have more to drink during the weekends when friends and I go out but it’s not nearly as much as I used to drink. My problem is my activity. I feel it in my muscles. I’m flabby and I wear slimming panties every single day to simply make myself feel better about myself. I know what to do! Why can’t I do it!?

Drew freaked out on my the other day. I had posted a Facebook status and it had something to do with weight loss and how I can’t do it anymore. Drew texted me in the morning and went off. Basically saying I complain ALL the time and I talk about going to the gym but it never happens. I never change. I just say the same stuff over and over again and nothing ever changes. I got upset at first because of how honest he was being.. but I knew he was telling me the truth. The truth hurts. I was a 250 pound girl. Two-Fifty!! The lowest weight I’ve ever seen register on my scale is 143. That’s.. INCREDIBLE! I achieved so much and I certaintly don’t want to throw it all away. I know I’m not happy. Unfortunately as humans, I think we sometimes marinate in our unhappiness. It’s easier than being happy sometimes. As strange as that sounds, I think it’s true. I’m giving in too easily and I’m feeling bad for myself. I’ve got to stop it. I need a schedule. I need to take care of myself. I need to love myself again. It will take time but my body will thank me for it. In a few weeks time once I start seeing those results again. Once I see those numbers begin to slide. I can do it again. I’ve got to.

Okay. I’m feeling pretty motivated right now. My work out clothes are already on. I’m going to fix dinner and tonight I’m heading out to the gym. I like going in the evening because it leaves the gym pretty empty. I’ll be there at 7:30. I don’t care how many miles I do. I don’t care how long I’m there. I just need to sweat again.

I’m off to fix myself dinner and get that out of the way. I’m back.

- Nikki

I can’t believe it’s October. It’s almost been an entire year since everything happened and it’s giving me a dizzy kind of feeling. I was just sitting here thinking about it and my stomach dropped. Just thinking about everything. The Halloween party, Joe, that night at the bowling alley. And then every single month that followed. I have issues with who I became after Ashley and I broke up. I was pathetic. When I look back at it now I know I was trying to figure out who I was. I knew myself to be with Ashley for the previous four years and then all of a sudden all of this happened. I remember crying at the bowling alley with Ashley and I had no idea why. I just felt… lost. The one person I think about around this time is defintiely Brandon. He always be the one that I considered to be my first. We were on our way to being a couple but we just weren’t right for each other. I just.. I don’t know. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. It’s not that I still have feelings for him but just thinking about all of that. It seems like it all happened to a different person. Or like it was a dream. It doesn’t feel like that was me. I can’t explain it. And I don’t think I’m doing a very good job in trying to explain it.

Everything that has happened has led me to the wonderful boyfriend that I have now. Drew is who I want to be with. I don’t know what is going to happen with us in the long run but I definitely want to make this work. He’s perfect for me and I love him so much.

I feel so strange today. Just confused. I keep on throwing myself back in the past and fast forwarding through everything. It’s leaving me empty. Sigh. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m going to end this entry.

- Nikki

SO! I need to get out of my exercise slump so I’ve decided that I need to do *something*. I don’t care what it is. Anything that gets me moving. I was going to head to the gym but for some reason going to the gym is so unappealing. It actaully stresses me out, kind of. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. It’s very strange and I don’t understand why. I think it’s because when I was actively getting to the gym I would be there for an hour and a half to two hours Monday through Thursday. I can’t do that right now. My stamina has dropped so severely that I’m lucky if I can bang out an hour, I bet. So, I’m feeling stressed out by that fact. Not only that but if I can’t work out the way I used to I’m going to get really down on myself. So, I came up with the idea of popping in my Denise Austin Fat-Blasting Yoga DVD. I’ve done it a couple times but I don’t think I’ve ever made it through the entire thing. It’s a great DVD from what I’ve done of it so I’m going to give it another try. Like I said, I just want to move my body. I just want to get into some sort of routine. Whether it by Yoga, doing fifty sit ups every evening or marching in place for a certain amount of time. I need that routine back. I’m very excited about it. =)

Food was good today.

• slim fast shake - 200
• chewy granola bar - 90
• handful of animal crackers - 100
• buffalo chicken soup w/ 3 small packages of oyster crackers - 500?
• plantain chips - 200

Not bad. Lunch was a lot of calories. I totally guessed on that because I have no idea what was in the soup that they made. It was the kind from the super market. The oyster crackers are such a downfall for me. Each packet has sixty calories =/ I could be using those calories for something else. Saving them or what have you. I’ll plan my calories better tomorrow. I think I’ll bring lunch because I’m severely low on cash. Mom just stocked up on Weight Watchers meals so I’ll take one of those with me. Breakfast can be cereal or even oatmeal. It’s cooled down so it’s definitely time for some comforting oatmeal =) I’ve got Cinnamon Roll flavor and MMMM boy, it’s really yummy.

I’m feeling pretty good about things today in regards to weight loss. I weighed in this morning at 158.5. Not too bad. Less then 10 pounds to go for me to make my fatbet and I think I have 84 days or something like that. Very excited. =D I’m totally going to do this again. I have to. I’m so uncomfortable in my skin and I’m tired of complaining about it. I’m tired of BEING tired and I can’t stand thinking about the way I look every five seconds. I’m DONE.

I’m not sure what the hell dinner is going to be. I’d like my calorie intake to not exceed more then 1300. I might just have a WW meal. Not much left in the house and I didn’t go food shopping this week. Maybe there is left over chicken in the fridge. I dunno. Welp, I guess that’s all for tonight. I’m gonna go decide on dinner, read a bit and then pop in my yoga DVD =)

- Nikki

Good morning. Yawn. Stretch.

TOM came this morning. Better now then on Saturday. At least by Saturday it will be day four and practically gone already with any luck.

Work today is 9 - 5. After work I’m going to the gym for a good 45 minute - 1 hour work out. I’ll do a half hour on the treadmill, more if the place isn’t too busy. Then I’ll hit the elliptical maybe. We’ll give that machine a whirl. I just know that I have to do something. I’m not happy. And I know an awesome work out will make me feel sensational. My meal plan will go like this today:

• cottage cheese doubles, coffee
• lean pocket, apple
• chew granola bar
• baked chicken, brown rice, veggies
• 100 cal popcorn

I’m happy with this meal plan. Hopefully everything goes according to plan though. It’s much easier to write it down then actually stick to it =P

I’ve also started up a Fat Bet again. I had much success with that only this time I’m going up against myself. As the penality/wager section I put down all the reasons why I need to lose this extra weight. How I’ve been seeing my tube again and I’m overall not happy with myself anymore. I used to be okay and now I don’t like the way I look. That’s a problem. So.. here we go again.

Welp. I should get going. Work in a half hour. Don’t think I’ll pick up any coffee though. Stomach is bothering me cause of TOM. Argh =/ Enjoy the day ladies!

- Nikki

Today I went for my test appointment at a Geico calling center. I passed all tests except for the personality test. How? I have no idea. I did not pass it, though. Which means I cannot retake the test for another six months. She strongly recommended me taking the test again because I passed the other portions. I beat myself up about it for a while but you know what? At least I did it. I was scared and I could have easily backed out but I didn’t. I went. I tried. I failed. I pick myself up again and try again. Next stop, Cablevision? Capital One? Who knows. My choices are endless and each step gives me that much more experience and time to learn about what I’m able to overcome =)

I’ve got work today at 4pm. Three hours. Heh. I’m hoping to score some extra hours on Thursday since I have the day off. I have absolutely nothing going on so with any lucky I’ll grab a few. Work is the same BS. The boss is cutting hours and I think she’s going to fire Shannon. Heh. We are *all* looking to get out of that hole. Ashley has her Geico test tomorrow morning. I am hoping she does better then I do. I think she could get the job. I really hope she does. We all have to get out of there. That store is killing us.

Drew and I are doing well. On Friday we had a small tiff at his friend Mellys birthday party. We were both drinking and he said I may have to drive home. There is no chance in hell I was going to drive home after drinking beer all night long, leaving and 3AM and having it be my first time on a highway. He said “What if you move here..?” It was the wrong place and time for that sort of question and I got really upset by it. He left and went outside for a while. Not sure how long he was gone for but it was long enough for people to question where he was.. =/ He apologized and said it was wrong to bring it up. Sigh. The following night was good and so was Sunday. We lounged, cuddled, watched TV.. it was nice not having to run around for a chance. We just enjoyed each others company without his family being around. Good stuff. I didn’t want to leave him so I worked it out so I left on Monday instead of Sunday. I actually made it to work on time Monday afternoon too. It was pretty crazy =P I’d do it again though to spend another night with him, for sure.. =)

Anywho, he is coming here this weekend. Ashley is having an early birthday bash at her house. Lots of people are going to be coming and I’m sure it’s going to be a good time. I miss him so much. I just saw him yesterday morning but I miss him. Sigh.

I’m not feeling happy with myself. I feel fat. I feel lazy. I feel tired. Useless, motionless. I just want to cry. I think most of this is because of TOM who should be coming any day now. I hate it all the same. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve got work in a half hour. Time to go get ready. May grab a cup of coffee before I head in. Boss should be leaving for the gym so I won’t have long to deal with her. Thankfully.

Later, girls.

- Nikki

We finally came out and said it. Last weekend was the wedding and at the perfect moment he just came out and said it.

We were dancing at the reception to Over The Rainbow and laughing with eachother. I looked up. He looked down and he said “I love you, Nikki.” I bowed my head down because the weight of his words just shocked me. I lost my breath for a short time in that moment. I looked back up at him and reciprocated those feelings. It was pretty incredible. The slow song came to an end and even as another up-tempo song began we still held eachother as tightly as possible. After a while we smiled up at eachother and started dancing to the faster song. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G-!

The whole wedding was beautiful. Everything went by very smoothly. I met some new people. I met another one of Drews friends named Lisa. She was VERY sweet and told me she’s known Drew for over eleven years and that she’s never seen him this happy. I can’t even tell you how that makes me feel. Everytime I hear something like that it just solidifies how I feel about him. I love him.

Sunday we had a wonderful day. We returned his tux, went to Target and Borders and then headed to the river to walk along this little path thing on the edge of it. It was really beautiful. We walked for about four miles and I definitely felt it yesterday morning in my legs. Between that walk and the dancing, I had a great active weekend >:)

Now it’s back to work this week. Today is work from 12 - 7. After work I plan on getting to the gym to, hopefully, knock out at least 2.5 miles. Maybe do some of the circuit as well. I’m not sure what meals will be today. I don’t have any money to buy from the super market. We’ll see. Dinner will be a left over turkey burger, for sure. Breakfast was Fiber One pancakes which was fantastic. Mmmm yummy!

Welp, I guess that’s all for now. I really have to get my tushy in gear now. Shower power time and then heading out to the bank and then work =D Later, girls!

- Nikki

Well. The weekend was great. Drew and I had a wonderful time as always. Also, interesting happenings on Saturday evening. We went out to the bar with some friends. We each had quite a few drinks. I was feeling pretty damn good but was definitely not drunk by my standards. I know me drunk and that was not it. Anyway, Drew and I are hanging out in his car for a little while because he didn’t think it was good for him to drive just yet. We talked, kissed and listened to music. He said something like “How long do you think is a suitable amount of time to say those words..?” When I finally caught on to what he was saying I asked him “What words..?” He said his usual, “Nevermind.”, when something like that comes up. I said “No.. what words? How many are there?” He said “Three.” I said “Me too. I know what you’re talking about”. We ended up not saying those three words because we both want it to be a special time. We both want to say it. I told him I’ve felt compelled to say it every time we get off the phone with one another but it’s something he wants said in person. I agreed. After Drew sobered up a bit we went to the diner for coffee and a snack. He asked me if we would have had that same conversation if we hadn’t been drinking. I told him I think it’s the drinking that probably gave him the courage to bring it up. And because he brought it up I went along with the conversation because it’s been on my mind. Obviously it has because that SAME day when I wrote my last journal entry consisted of JUST that topic. Strange. Anyway, it was just overall a very interesting conversation. That night was a lot of fun. Full of passion. And laughter. I can’t stop listening to Natasha Bedingfield - These Words =P I’m so happy. He looks at me in the car and said “I’m scared.” I know how he feels. I’m scared too. This is so crazy. I don’t know how this has happened. All I know is I hate leaving him. I hate watching the train station get smaller and smaller as my train pulls away with me on it. I loathe anything that pulls me away from him. It’s intense. And I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. We talked a bit more about the moving in thing. Kind of toyed with the idea. Definitely wouldn’t be happening any time soon but maybe in the future things won’t be so hard. Just have to get through this for now. Sigh..

Anyway. Work today is from 12 - 7:15. After work I plan on getting to the food store for some quick food shopping. Not too much. Some fruit. Bag of baked chips. Turkey. Milk. Simple things just so I have food for the week. I also need to stop at the bank to deposit my paycheck. My money planned is all worked out for the week. Wedding, sprint bill, food. The rest is going into my checking account. Same for next weeks check. I think I have all of September worked out. Hopefully I stick to the plan. What’s it good for if I don’t use it? =P I’m not going to the gym tonight as I get out kind of late. I DEFINITELY plan on going tomorrow to Thursday though. Get a good three days in. Hopefully will be a collective six miles on the treadmill between those days. Good stuff.

Well, I’ve written enough. Time to get started on my day. Gotta get in the shower and such. Hope you girls have a fantastic day =)

So, the last I wrote I was heading to the dentist. Everything worked out well. It turns out there was nothing wrong with my actual teeth. A piece of gum had flapped over my last tooth and became slightly infected. The dentist cut that piece right off and I haven’t had a problem with it since. Thankfully. I’ve been fine ever since. I wish I knew what it had been though. I swear I would have just cut it off myself. Almost three hundred dollars out of my pocket. Guess it was good I won three hundred at Mohegan Sun and then on the lottery. Sigh.

I’m in CT right now. First time in two weeks. I’ve missed Drew SO ridiculously much. It was so great to see him. I got off the train and I couldn’t help but smile the second that I saw him. I told myself not to be a big dork and have this huge smile on my face but I couldn’t help it. Amazing.. we spent the whole night just being with each other. Incredible. We sat and had a few beers together along with a grilled cheese sandwich. He’s at work right now and won’t be back for another six hours. That’s the thing that sucks about Saturdays. I’m here in CT all day but we don’t get to spend the time together because he has work. I don’t mind so much though. It’s still good to see him for how ever long I get to. I think I’m falling in love with him, girls. Every time we say bye to each other or I’m just laying next to him I feel so inclined to just say those three words. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to let everything just go with the flow. I feel like he might say it. I don’t know. Gah! We tell one another that we’re falling for the other ALL the time. It’s a big leap to say those three words though. We’ve even had the “moving in” conversation. Nothing too serious but it’s definitely crossed our minds and we’ve played with the idea. Sigh.

I’m not so sure where my weight is at right now. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of weeks. I don’t think it’s too bad. I’ve been eating pretty decently. Still trying to stay away from the bad foods. Sometimes I’m not so successful but even when I do have something that’s not necessarily healthy for me I only have one serving of it. I haven’t been to the gym in a while. Last week was a good opportunity for me to go. I just haven’t had the energy which I know is a bunch of BS. If I would just get up and go I would feel amazing. I know I would. Grr.

I’m not sure what we’re doing tonight. Possibly going out for a couple of drinks. Maybe dancing. It’ll be a lot of fun. I have an adorable outfit planned out but I don’t want to get too dressed up if we’re only going to see a movie or something. I bought these adorable skinny jeans that would go great with my black sparkly top. It’s adorable. I also have the cutest sandals for them. Unfortunately it’s not every sunny out. It’s quite rainy actually. It’s the perfect day to just be lazy with the TV. Not to mention it’s TOM right now so yeah.. that doesn’t help much. Heh. Welp. I guess that’s all for today. I’m off to mess around online for a little while longer.

Hope you girls have had a great week and continue to have a great weekend!