The real failure..

…comes when I’m too afraid to admit defeat and try again.

Last night was awful. I was depressed. No specific reason. I think I just wanted a chance to gorge, to be honest with you. I wanted to pig out and not think about what I was doing. So, I downed five beers. I heated up Perdue Asian style chicken wings and ate them with ranch dressing. I ate Jolly Rancher chews. When that wasn’t enough I dug into my bag of Jalapeno pretzels. I literally shut the lights out, watched TV and ate. I couldn’t even tell you what was happening on the television. All that mattered was the fact that I was surrounded by food.

When I wrote last nights entry I was about two beers in. I should have stopped. I should have recognized what was happening and stopped it before it got out of hand. I was very bad towards my body last night. I abused myself nutritionally and mentally. If I had been out with friends and enjoying drinks and food, it would have been one thing. But the fact that I was home, alone and depressed makes it that much more worse. I need to move on from it. I need to forgive myself, forget and realize that today is a brand new day.

Drew called me last night on his way home from John and Melly’s house. I know it was the drink that got to me but I got defensive and frustrated with him. He was talking (more like whining) about how he is at work from 10:30am until 9pm everyday and doesn’t have the luxury to sleep in on weekends because he needs to take care of all the things he doesn’t get to do during the week day. He said I wouldn’t understand. I mentioned that I don’t really do much after work. I get out at 7, I come home and I am asleep by 9:30pm. He said something about finding a hobby. Finding something that I love to do and acting on it. In his words he said “You need to find something to look forward to aside from you coming here or me coming there.” That frustrated me. Yeah, I look forward to that because you know what? I love you. The truth is.. I would love to find a hobby. I would love to find something that I’m good at and passionate about. I don’t have anything. I don’t have the desire for it. Not everyone has a thing. That’s okay, isn’t it?

Despite the drinking last night I was up early this morning. It seems to be that 7:30am is my wake up time now. I’m not complaining. I like waking up early and having the whole morning to myself. I’ve already been up for about 2 1/2 hours and it’s not even 10am. I’ve had a couple cups of coffee and I’m on my second load of wash, so that’s good. I really don’t have a whole hell of a lot planned. I’m going to the gym this afternoon to try and release those endorphins to get me out of this funk. I need to run and just listen to my music. It will make me feel a thousand times better. I need to finish the second Spellman Files book. I still have to reread the third one before the fourth comes out on Tuesday. I’ve got two movies to watch. Aside from that, nothing else is going on.

Okay. Time to end this entry. Have a great day all.

- NIkki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on March 12th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings

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