It’s Morning Time!
Wow. Another breathe taker of a day. Temp is supposed to reach 56 today. Just.. wow.
Yesterday was a total bomb in regards to doing anything remotely productive. I watched a lot of TV. Ate. Organized my bookcase. Ate. Did two loads of laundry. Ate. Watched the movie 2012 (stupid). Ate. And then I had two beers lol.. Before I could damage myself any further I called it a night at 9:30pm.
Here is something that has me realizing just how far I’ve slipped into old bad habits. I waited until everyone went to bed and was out of the kitchen so I could reach for another slice of pizza. I had one at dinner and two pepperoni chips. I *really* wanted another slice. Not because I was hungry, but because I wanted to eat. I took the container out and could just picture myself sinking my teeth into a cheesy slice. In that moment I stopped, said “no”, and put it back in the fridge. I brushed my teeth, walked in my bedroom, shut the door and went to sleep.
I’m at a stage where I feel like I have to hide what I eat. This is *not* a good thing. Sneaking around just makes me stuff my face with even more food. Because.. you know.. the supply of food is so in demand that I never know when I’m going to be able to eat again 
Now, why do I feel like I have to sneak around? I’m afraid of judgment. I feel ashamed. I don’t think I’d feel ashamed if I was genuinely hungry. The fact that I am eating just to eat makes me feel guilty. I’ve slid into bad and unhealthy habits. Last night when I refused myself that second slice of pizza made me realize this.
Moving on! Today should be a good day. I have work from 12 - 7. The only two musts of the day (aside from work) is the bank and the gym. I’m hoping to get a lot of reading done. I’m rereading The Spellman Files because the fourth book is coming out in less than ten days. Shannon is getting me a copy for my birthday and I want to read it the moment I have it. I’ve still got a fair amount of food left from last weeks food shopping. I’ll head there Wednesday (my off gym day) for some items.
I guess that’s about it. Time to fix some breakfast. Eggs and turkey sausage! Mm! =) Enjoy the day girls!
- Nikki
Posted by JustCallMeCow on March 8th, 2010 under Everyday Ramblings4 Responses to “It’s Morning Time!”
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The Fat Chicks
Meta:
March 8th, 2010 at 10:52 am
well….the more you learn about yourself, the easier it will get!
I can relate to the eating in secrecy thing…I don’t do it very often…but it feels SO WRONG, more wrong than skipping exercise even. If you tell yourself you determine that you aren’t hungry, then you probably shouldn’t eat, no matter how much your MIND wants it, if your body doesn’t your body needs to win. With that said, you did good. All you can do is focus on the moment, and not worry about how you will handle it the next time it occurs. Sometimes you will be victorious, sometimes not..but its ok…we aren’t perfect.
March 8th, 2010 at 11:32 am
Eating in secret is a huge issue for me. It’s part of my binge eating/bulimia disorder. Good for you for recognizing that there’s something wrong with it, AND for overcoming the urge.
March 8th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
good job on refusing the 2nd slice of pizza and just going to bed. that’s a step in the right direction.
saw The Informant this weekend. i think that was stupid. well, in a so-so kind of way.
March 8th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I struggle quite a bit with the shame about eating, too. For me, it’s escalated to the point where I feel ashamed about eating even when I’m genuinely hungry. Job well done on making good choices!!