Today was an okay day. Food was good. I was conscious of what I ate and I portioned my food well. I didn’t snack as often as I normally do between meals which is an extra plus. I didn’t go to the gym or do my yoga DVD.

The weekend was good. Work on Saturday took far too long as usual. Ashley ended up calling out so I had to stay a few more hours then expected. I still made my 6:16pm train out of Hicksville to Penn Station though. I made it to Connecticut at around 9pm. I waited ten minutes for Drew to get there and then it was off to his house where I quickly showered, dressed, did my make up and then we were off to the Halloween party. Let’s just say that my idea of a party isn’t sitting around a gaming console and playing video games the entire night. Drew and I came home and went to sleep around 4am after some alone time together.

Now, I didn’t think I drank that much that night but when I woke up, I had the worst hang over. I vomited until there was nothing but bile coming up and I had a pounding headache. I’m getting sick way too often in Drews house and it’s getting embarassing. I did not drink a lot that night. I know I didn’t. Drew said the same exact thing. I think the reason why I got so sick was because I didn’t eat much. When I was heavier I could handle my liqour like it was nobodys business. It also helped that I was *always* eating something. And now, I’m not eating as often so I don’t have that food in the belly to soak up that alcohol. It’s just getting to be an old story and it’s really starting to bother me. I have a small confession to make too. I am SO terrified of being put on the spot to drive that I will drink just so I am not looked at to drive. There. I said it. I’m embarassed by it but that’s the truth of it. I’ll drink to get intoxicated so I don’t have to drive. I *have* to stop drinking so much. It’s not only bad for my weight but it makes me do things that I’m embarassed by. Such as vomiting at my boyfriends house on a regular basis. It’s pathetic. Not to mention I wake up with a horrible hangover. I end up staying in bed until noon and I don’t get to get out and enjoy the day with my boyfriend whom I only get to a see a couple times each week. Apparently Drews mother has been asking about me and asking if I got sick after a night of partying. Sigh. I’m embarassed. It’s okay to drink. It’s okay to have a good time. It’s not okay to get sick and wake up with a pounding headache almost every time. I’m a binge drinker. I drink to get drunk. I rarely can stop at one. It’s a problem and I need to figure it out for myself. If I can’t control myself then I can’t be around it. I think before the Halloween party I need to tie something around my wrist. A little reminder to let me know to keep myself in check. I see a problem and it needs to be fixed.

Anyway. Lunch is prepared for tomorrow. It’s going to be a ten hour shift tomorrow so I should bring a little extra to keep me through the entire day. For breakfast I’m going to try to wake up early and make a breakfast wrap. Eggs, turkey sausage and cheese in a wrap. Or maybe multigrain cheerios with fat free milk and a banana. Haven’t really decided. I hope I wake up early enough to make myself something. I’ve been buying at Starbucks every morning =/ Not good on my wallet or on my waist line.

Sometimes I just want to say “To hell with all the rules about having to save money and watch what I eat.” Isn’t there ever a time in life where we can just live and be happy with who we are? And if there is, how do we work to reach that blissful state of mind? Hmm..

To much going through my head right now. I’m gonna curl up in bed in a little while. Hopefully wake up with a clear mind.

- Nikki