Seriously? Again? Noooooo! =( I’ve got another cold sore. Ugh! This sucks. I hate this. I don’t really care about having this embarassing blemish on my face. The one thing that irritates me the most is I only get to see Drew one night - two at most - and when I have a cold sore I can’t kiss him. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and give me the most toe-curling, passionate kiss and that can’t happen when I have a cold sore. I noticed a small reddish bump today after dinner. It has to be a cold sore. I don’t think it’s a pimple. I’ve been putting Abreva on it and I bought something else called Veractin. A friend of mine suggested it so I just ordered it online. I’ll try anything. Luckily, apparently the first break out is the worst. Sigh! I’ve got the Halloween party on Saturday and next week Drew is coming here for two days. I’m already going to have TOM when he is here so that derails us slightly. Hmph! Things are not working out for me right now!

I’ve been bummed out. Yesterday was bad. I drank too much and I ended up bingeing. That need to just eat came over me. I haven’t felt that in a long time. I just needed anything to satisfy my urge. At one point I was going to heat up a breakfast sandwich at almost 400 calories and then I stopped myself. I probably ate that much in egg salad though. It was just a bad night.

I haven’t been to the gym in a week because of my toes. After two days of running on the treadmill my toenail turned black and liquid built up beneath the nail. I released that liquid and the nail fell off. I researched this and it is apparently common in runners. Either my shoe is too small for me and the tip of my toe is banging against the shoe or my foot is sliding and hitting it. I don’t know which. I think it may be the small shoes so I will have to take a look at that.

Food hasn’t been good. Eating has been my comfort. It seems I don’t have anything to live for until the next meal comes. I don’t get it.

Mom is worried about me =/ My facebook updates have been a bit wonky lately. I honestly think it’s because of TOM coming next week. This is how I usually get. Mom said she doesn’t like me being in a funk and she worries. She said the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with Drew. Her works exactly were “I’m sorry you are so unhappy here.” Sigh. It’s not that I am unhappy here it’s just that I go for wonderful weekends with the man I love and then I’m thrown back into this mundane existance. The wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work. And we start this process over the next day. I *like* traveling. I like feeling like I have something amazing going on in my life. And that amazing thing is Drew. My love for him and my need to be with him increases with every single day that goes by. He believes in me and he is there for me. He loves me no matter what. It’s wonderful and at the same time, it’s terrifying. I don’t want to let him down and I know I’ve been known to do that to people. I’ve never once thought he was too good for me. He’s always spoken to me like I was on the same playing field as him. We have this understanding and connection with eachother. I’m so afraid that will change. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. All of these thoughts are just jumbled around in my head. I don’t know.

Work is work. Same old crap. We got a new lotto machine. It’s all touch-screen. The printer is slow. Indranie informed me a couple days ago that we are  moving the store location. It’s in the same center but a few stores down from where we are now. She knows everyone is looking for new jobs. Nicole is already gone. Ashley starts her part-time bank job next week. She looked at me with these sad eyes and said “Nikki, please don’t leave me. I want you to come with me when we move the store.” Sigh. I hate it when people reach out to me like that. It tugs at my heart strings. And, it’s not like I don’t want to. I would love to stay in the comfortable position that I’ve grown so used to. It’s a matter of me growing up and needing something more suitable for my age. I need to think about where Drew and I can possibly end up together. I know I could get a job anywhere but it’s a matter of me looking for it.

I got a call back from Sleepys for a receptionist position at the main office. I would be taking calls, accepting packages and greeting anyone to walk in the door. I think it’s a job I can do. I just need to have a little bit of faith in myself. She seemed to like me and she said she would transfer over my resume to the heads of management. We’ll see what happens there. I don’t know. Worse comes to worse, I go to the interview and I don’t get the job. At least I’ll have a little bit more experience in interviewing under my melt. We’ll see.

I have off tomorrow and I know if I don’t spread myself out I am going to have a miserable day. It’s supposed to rain constantly and I’ve got a few goals in mind. I’d like to get to the gym, finish up all my laundry and pack some stuff for this weekend. I’m heading to the mall with Nicole and Shannon at the end of the day so that will be nice to hang out with them. I’d like to eat decently. I need to feel in control because I feel so out of it lately. I’m just not happy. It’s so much easier to just bask in my unhappiness than to muster up the energy to do the things I *know* will make me happy. I have to stop taking the easier route out of things. That’s how I became 250 pounds in the first place. I don’t think I will gain back all that weight but I also never thought I would gain back a measely ten pounds and look at where I am now.. Weight was 158.5 yesterday. Ten pounds is nothing. I can shave that off if I wanted to. If I really wanted it. Like how I’ve done it before. I could do it.

I need to stop being so negative in my life. It’s really causing me my mental stability. I need to positive about things. I have to stop saying “I don’t know.” or “I can’t”. Because I DO know and I CAN do it. It’s just whether or not I CHOOSE to do it. I’m going to go to sleep with a clear conscience and an optomistic atittude about waking up tomorrow and beginning my day. I refuse to be so down anymore. It’s not me and it’s not who I was meant to be. Hmph!

Until next time. I’m off to snuggle up in bed and watch some TV. Night all.

- Nikki