I have not been to the gym in months. I can’t remember the last time I have gone. Well before the summer even started, I’m sure. Unbelievable. It’s breaking me down. I hate myself. I’m loathing my body. I don’t feel sexy and I don’t feel pretty anymore. I don’t do my hair like I used to and I haven’t worn make up in weeks. Why, when I feel so awful, can’t I get myself fully back on track? I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I’ve done well with food today:
- ww bagel w/ whipped cream cheese, coffee w/ ff creamer
- handful animal crackers
- small salad w/ mixed veggies, cheese & croutons, small bag popcorn
- 1/2 bar 3 Musketeers mint
I’m happy with this so far. I’ve already got dinner planned out. I’m going to have two egg whites, ff cheese and turkey sausages between two whole wheat pieces of toast. No snack or dessert afterwards. Food is not my problem. Alcohol isn’t much of a problem either. I may have a drink every now and then with dinner or with friends. I have more to drink during the weekends when friends and I go out but it’s not nearly as much as I used to drink. My problem is my activity. I feel it in my muscles. I’m flabby and I wear slimming panties every single day to simply make myself feel better about myself. I know what to do! Why can’t I do it!?
Drew freaked out on my the other day. I had posted a Facebook status and it had something to do with weight loss and how I can’t do it anymore. Drew texted me in the morning and went off. Basically saying I complain ALL the time and I talk about going to the gym but it never happens. I never change. I just say the same stuff over and over again and nothing ever changes. I got upset at first because of how honest he was being.. but I knew he was telling me the truth. The truth hurts. I was a 250 pound girl. Two-Fifty!! The lowest weight I’ve ever seen register on my scale is 143. That’s.. INCREDIBLE! I achieved so much and I certaintly don’t want to throw it all away. I know I’m not happy. Unfortunately as humans, I think we sometimes marinate in our unhappiness. It’s easier than being happy sometimes. As strange as that sounds, I think it’s true. I’m giving in too easily and I’m feeling bad for myself. I’ve got to stop it. I need a schedule. I need to take care of myself. I need to love myself again. It will take time but my body will thank me for it. In a few weeks time once I start seeing those results again. Once I see those numbers begin to slide. I can do it again. I’ve got to.
Okay. I’m feeling pretty motivated right now. My work out clothes are already on. I’m going to fix dinner and tonight I’m heading out to the gym. I like going in the evening because it leaves the gym pretty empty. I’ll be there at 7:30. I don’t care how many miles I do. I don’t care how long I’m there. I just need to sweat again.
I’m off to fix myself dinner and get that out of the way. I’m back.
- Nikki
Wow! *hugs*
You can do it. You can get back into the swing.
With all the fat going away, so was the spiritual and mental garbage.
One thing you used to do when you were losing weight was journal EVERY DAY and connect with others.
I’m having a super huge hard time getting back to exercising, but my foods have decreased since I write each day. That’s me though!
I guess we all go through our processes. You will eventually get where you’re going. I know it. You usually end up on top. That’s just the way it is for Nikki in NY!
October 9, 2009 @ 6:46 amI know what you mean about not being able to do your hair or put on makeup when you are feeling bad about yourself. But I made myself drag my butt out of bed to look good every morning and sometimes I don’t do it, like I’d rather sleep, but when I actually do it, it makes me whole day better. I eat better, workout…all because I feel good about myself. You have done and awesome job of dieting and it can only be made better if you really start caring about yourself..you can do it! Good luck!
October 9, 2009 @ 9:57 am