I can’t believe it’s October. It’s almost been an entire year since everything happened and it’s giving me a dizzy kind of feeling. I was just sitting here thinking about it and my stomach dropped. Just thinking about everything. The Halloween party, Joe, that night at the bowling alley. And then every single month that followed. I have issues with who I became after Ashley and I broke up. I was pathetic. When I look back at it now I know I was trying to figure out who I was. I knew myself to be with Ashley for the previous four years and then all of a sudden all of this happened. I remember crying at the bowling alley with Ashley and I had no idea why. I just felt… lost. The one person I think about around this time is defintiely Brandon. He always be the one that I considered to be my first. We were on our way to being a couple but we just weren’t right for each other. I just.. I don’t know. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. It’s not that I still have feelings for him but just thinking about all of that. It seems like it all happened to a different person. Or like it was a dream. It doesn’t feel like that was me. I can’t explain it. And I don’t think I’m doing a very good job in trying to explain it.

Everything that has happened has led me to the wonderful boyfriend that I have now. Drew is who I want to be with. I don’t know what is going to happen with us in the long run but I definitely want to make this work. He’s perfect for me and I love him so much.

I feel so strange today. Just confused. I keep on throwing myself back in the past and fast forwarding through everything. It’s leaving me empty. Sigh. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m going to end this entry.

- Nikki