Fat.

Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. What a skimpy three letter word that holds so much emotion and drama. Sigh. With that one word I feel undesireable. I feel like a void in society. I feel like a let down to my family. My father imparticular has held a major impact through my ten pound weight gain. I feel like he’s looking at me. Judging me. I don’t think he or anyone else understands that even at my lowest weight of 143, I still felt fat. I still felt ugly. It was only when I was getting attention from men in bars that I started to feel desireable. Even then though, I needed about a gallon and a half of alcohol to make me feel beautiful. If only he knew the lengths I went through to feel pretty around these men. If only I had the courage to type them down. I could never do that though. I could never admit the things I’ve done. I’m past that phase of my life though. I have a wonderful boyfriend who accepts me for who I am and who thinks I’m the sexiest creature alive. I need to do better for myself.

No more negativity. That’s what gets me everytime. If I’m negative in my life then negative things will happen in it. Instead of being negative, focus on what makes me happy. Find that source of happiness in myself. Whether it be, journaling here every morning, talking to Drew on the phone, going shopping or to dinner with the girls, reading a book… anything that takes me away from feeling negative about myself. This is such a process and for those who haven’t done it or never will have to do it just can never understand. It’s a totally different world. Pretty remarkable, actually. Sigh. Anyway. I don’t know where I was going with this entry. Just feeling.. to sum it up. Fat. Heh.

Meal Plan:

Not sure what dinner is going to be tonight. Going shopping tonight after work with the girls for a dress. Wedding in September. Perhaps buy a smaller size and hope to fit into it by then. I don’t know.. =/

Have a good day, girls

- Nikki

Posted by JustCallMeCow on July 28th, 2009 under Everyday Ramblings

5 Responses to “Fat.”

  1. JustCallMeCow » Fat. – a Free Diet Blog from 3FC Says:
    July 28th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    [...] JustCallMeCow » Fat. – a Free Diet Blog from 3FC Tags: canadagirl, christina, hollyhock, imsupermommy, justcallmecow, moonfairy, tawnyaincontrol, they-sing-8221 [...]

  2. stellachiara Says:
    July 28th, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    10lb and he gives you a hard time for it? How comes that he feels it is his business, anyway?

  3. kotapaint Says:
    July 28th, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    You’ve got to figure out what is bugging you and why you are so hard on yourself. Let go of the guilt you have for gaining ten pounds. Guilt isn’t going to help. (((hugs)))

  4. sunnydaze Says:
    July 28th, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    To help let go of the negativity you may want to change the name of your blog to something more positive. No more negativity, remember?

  5. TawnyaInControl Says:
    July 28th, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    We both came back about the same time, being about the same weight after a weight gain. Yup, you’re right–totally–stay positive because that’s what pulls us through the slums.

    I felt fat at 146. I felt ugly and unsure of myself. I feel that way now, but less with each passing day. One thing worse than feeling fat? Feelin’ bad about our beautiful-selves. I like your idea of keepin’ up with happy feelings and doing what makes us happy. My mom calls it “living in the moment”.

    I love your post. It reminds me that in the midst of bad and unsure feelings, I can feel happy and peaceful doing what I love…connecting with women on 3fc.

    Nikki in NY, this too shall pass. You’ll know that much more when it does.

    *hugs*

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