What is it that I am so afraid of?
Why am I ignoring everything that I used to do in my previous life? What is it that I am so afraid of? I used to be an avid gym goer, I used to journal every morning before work and I used to read a lot. Why can’t I return back to my old ways? Before last October I was a very unhappy person inside. I was living a lie because I was with Ashley. Maybe somewhere inside, I think if I return to my old ways I’ll become an unhappy person inside again. I just can’t connect it.. I don’t know what to do.
Things have been okay with me, I guess. I’ve been eating a lot better. I went food shopping a couple days ago. Haven’t been drinking much at all. I went from drinking heavily three times a week to drinking one night on the weekends. Sometimes not at all. It’s where my weight gain happened. Haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks though. I keep setting myself up to go. I’ll pack my gym bag, bring it to work with me and somewhere through out the day I decide not to go, so I don’t. Dammit. I know how working out makes me feel so why don’t I just go!? When did I become the type of person who needs to fight with herself in order to get her ass moving? I just don’t understand.
For once, the only thing making sense in my life is a boy. I think I’m settling down… or very close to it at least. Things are going very well with Drew. We continue to talk every single day through text and then we spend an hour and a half to two hours on the phone almost every night. Last weekend he finally came here. Ash, Katie and I picked him up from the ferry. I couldn’t stop kissing him. Poor Ashley and Katie didn’t really get to talk to him because I couldn’t keep away from him. I missed him so much. We went to Dave & Busters, had a few drinks and played a couple games before they closed up. We went back to the hotel room I had gotten and spent the whole night with eachother. Talking, laughing.. before I knew it, I look outside and the sun is coming up. We had stayed up until 6am. Crazy. We fell asleep curled up in eachothers arms until about 11am. It was amazing to walk up next to him. We woke up, I took him to my job to show him where I work and to meet Linda and Nicole. Then I took him home. He met my entire family. My dogs love him. We spent six hours in my room talking and snuggling up to eachother. We didn’t turn on the TV once and we didn’t listen to any music. It was very surreal. Mom made us dinner and around 7am we took him back to the ferry. I got out of the car and we said our goodbyes to one another. The second we left eachother I took my cell phone out and we started texting again. For anyone who has ever been in a long distant relationship I could really use some advice here. I really like him a lot. I like him so much that I’m being asked out by other guys and I’m turning them down. Dan wanted to hang out and I said no. This other guy I’ve been talking to asked if we were going to hang out sometime and I told him I’m kind of seeing someone right now. It’s getting serious. I just feel so comfortable with him. He said I make him feel more spontaneous and alive and I told him he makes me feel more grounded. We’re just… for lack of a better word, perfect for eachother. I talk, he listens. He talks, I listen. Sigh. We’ve made it work so far. Every weekend I am seeing him. We really lucked out with having the same days off, thats for sure. I’ve got two drips to Connecticut planned for over night stays at his house. I’m really excited about them. I’m going to meet his friends and his family. I never thought I would travel to another state for a guy but he makes it all worth it. It’s scary to jump on a train, head to the city, get to grand central, hop on another train and end up in CT but I’ll do it for him. Just knowing that I’ll be seeing him takes away any type of fear or anxiety I may have about going somewhere alone. It’s… weird. I can’t explain it. Sigh. My dad said if it was meant to be then we’ll make it work and I fully believe that. If we are SO into eachother we will somehow, make it work. And in looking towards the future, if it works out I could totally see myself relocating and starting over with my life. I’m not getting ahead of myself but the thought has crossed my mind. I tend to day dream often. I don’t know =/ ..I’m seeing him on Friday. We’re meeting up in the city for lunch. Hopefully it will be a decent kind of day so we can lounge in Central Park and just hold eachother all morning/afternoon. I miss him =(
That’s the big thing going on in my life right now. Finally settling down. I’m up SUPER early this morning. For some reason I was wide awake at 5am. I stayed in bed a little while longer and around 5:30 decided to just wake up. Already had a couple cups of coffee. Gonna have my cottage cheese doubles and banana soon. Gotta pack lunch and snacks for the rest of the day. Might walk to work today. It’s a really lovely morning. Might do me good to breathe in some fresh air. I want to get to the gym today. Even if it’s for 30 minutes of power walking/jogging on the treadmill. I have to do something. I’m tired of not doing anything about it. My weight is constantly on my mind. My dislike for my body as it is now is constantly weighing me down. There is a very simple solution to this problem… Heh.
I have to try to write here more often. Just writing here this morning has made me feel a hell of a lot better. I feel a little less confused and a little more organized. It’s what I need in my life. I need this stability again. If I don’t do it myself I need to do it for Tawnyas routine lol.. =)
Enjoy your day, ladies.
- Nikki
Posted by JustCallMeCow on June 17th, 2009 under Everyday Ramblings
3 Responses to “What is it that I am so afraid of?”
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The Fat Chicks
Meta:
June 17th, 2009 at 7:55 am
(((NIKKI)))
…we ended up getting married. 
Haha..
You are falling in love, my friend. Same thing happened with me and Ed. Talking on the phone for HOURS–and then when we spent time it was holding hands, cuddling or kissin’ until the early AM hours.
It’s really hard to focus on yourself during this stage, it was for me anyways. I didn’t want to go to the gym in my spare time, I wanted to be with Ed. Other than that fact, I have no idea why we stop our routines when we fall in love.He lost weight, I gained weight. LOL …thaaaat sucked. >:{
I’m trying to make new friends on 3fc, I am. But you and Cyan were the gals that I REALLY connected with. *sniff* No body can replace my Nikki in NY.
*hugs*
Have fun with your Drew-man. This is definitely a time to celebrate and indulge. Guess I’m okay with you not being here daily, I’ll survive. LOL!
I’m looking forward to your return, My Nikki In NY!
Tawnya In The Twin Cities. (Always wanted to write that. lol!)
June 17th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Glad you found a minute to post. We miss you around here. I see your status on FB all the time so I know you’re always on the go! Glad you’re enjoying your time w/ Drew. Ah…young love…
June 17th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Nikki, you sound so happy! You went through a big change when you started dating again, that sure can shake up a routine. One good thing about this long distance relationship is that you still have time for your workouts during the week, right?? Do it!