“Nikki… have you gained more weight?”
Yesterday turned out to be a pretty okay day up until the evening. Exercise, food and water were all on target. I hung up a pair of jeans on my wall that I can’t fit into anymore. I can button them but unless muffin top has become the new fashion for 2009, I won’t be wearing them. Haha, could you imagine that? Moment to giggle at muffin top fashion. Hah! So, anyway. I was really really pumped the entire day about getting back on track. I go into the kitchen after fixing my lunch for the next day. Dad says to me “Nikki… have you gained more weight?” I told him to please stop asking me that. He said he’s never asked me that before. I retaliated with the exact times he asked me and what I was wearing in one of them. His response was that he was “worried about me”. I told him not to be and walked in my room. I understand that he might be worried but I am a big girl. I can handle myself. It irritates me when he butts into my life. It’s not just because he’s my parental figure. I don’t respect anything he has to say. I don’t understand how he didn’t want a part in mine and Ashleys relationship because she’s a girl. It bothers me when he asks me what’s going on with the guys I’m dating. Now he cares about what I do because I’m dating someone with a penis. It makes me almost feel ashamed. It makes me feel like I did something wrong during those four years of being in a lesbian relationship. Why can’t he be happy for me reguardless. I will never forget one day we were in the car and he said to me “Man, Nikki.. when you lose all the weight the boys are going to come running after you” This was when I was dating Ashley, btw, and he knew full well. I remember thinking.. well what is wrong with me now? I think I’m pretty. I’ve got a great personality. Why aren’t they flocking to me now? The point is that he’s never taught me to love myself for who I am in that moment. Because of what he said last night just brought up all these issues that I have with him. One of these days I’m going to have a blow out with him and I won’t hold anything back. Anyway, needless to say I was in tears most of the night. Ashley called and I cried to her and then Drew called. I didn’t want to cry on the phone with him but he called to see if I was okay and it really helped to talk to him. He just sat quietly on the other end and listened to me. It was really sweet and I realized afterwards that he’s the first guy I’ve ever cried to before.. It was nice.
I had work today from 9 - 3. It went smoothly. When Nicole came in at 11am I snuck off to the gym for 45 minutes. I did about 15 mins on the bike and then a half hour on the treadmill. It was great. I was sweating up a storm and I felt fantastic by the end of it. I finished off my shift, came home, took a shower and now here I am. Dad stopped by the store today. He said he was buying a cable for my new flat screen TV or something like that so I get better clarity. Something tells me he was feeling guilty about last night which was why he did it. Heh. I should be doing laundry but I’m actually kind of tired. Think I might go hunker down for a nap before dinner is ready. Mm.. yeah.
Hope your weekends have all been fantastic =)
- Nikki
Posted by JustCallMeCow on May 25th, 2009 under Everyday Ramblings3 Responses to ““Nikki… have you gained more weight?””
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The Fat Chicks
Meta:
May 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Sorry your dad is a Grand Supreme Poopyhead
May 25th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Nikki in NY! Your workout at the gym sounds just fantastic–good for you! …after reading your post I realized that I never got back to you about your question–what do I do when someone mentions my weight gain.
No one has. I notice it and I am a loud-mouth about it to King Edward, before he has a chance. I think he likes me chubby anyway. :p I was 210 when we started dating.
Now my mom? She can be wretched, absolutely horrid in her competition with me. She doesn’t make comments about how terrible I look since I have gained, but she BRAGS and brags about how many miles she is biking and about new outfits she buys and yada ya. It drives me crazy, but then I regroup and think: “she is where she is, and I am where I am. We are two different people. She doesn’t know/care about her behavior towards me so I just need to carry on and care about MYSELF and my behaviors.”
So yeah, my mom has been the worst person during my entire recovery. She’s the one who stuffed my face [and taught me to stuff my own] instead of meeting my childhood needs. Sigh. But I analyze, make sense of stuff, and work on things I need to change. No blame, just being an adult about my own choices. Okay, I’m hoggin’ comment space. LOL.
Just keep posting about your dad and relationships. That’s why we eat/gorge–we haven’t been taught healthy coping skills. 3fc is my support group for life.
Hang in there and keep movin’ forward like you are.
HUGS…
Tawnya
May 28th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
(((Nikki)))
I don’t have any advice really (and it wouldn’t be able to top Tawnya’s anyway, lol) but I do have to second what she said about posting - just keep letting it out. I think I need to do more of that. I hold back a little because everything feels so “public” here and sometimes I feel a little ashamed. Anyway, I am sorry your dad made that comment to you but it was good of you to recognize how and why it made you upset, and here is the best part: you journalled about it, and you didn’t turn to FOOD. Me, if I am upset, I run to the doritos. Ugh!
Funny … Tawnya brought up her mom and I am thinking about my own parental relationships (if that is what you can call it) and my mom was always proud of my weight loss - but she actually told me that she blamed my XH. Newsflash: I was FAT WAY BEFORE I got married! And, I lost the weight when I was finally in a comfortable relationship and life with XH!
Sometimes parents are clueless.
Keep on going, Nikki!