Welp, I can’t believe it’s half past five and it’s already dark outside. Guess we had better get used to it. Sigh. =/

This past weekend was good. We had the Halloween party at Drews house. It was really wonderful to see everyone. It was even nicer since we didn’t have to drive any where. When we decided to go to bed that was the end of it. His mom is starting to get on my nerves. She talks a lot. And it’s mostly about herself. Almost like she’s looking for sympathy. He warned me in the beginning about her but I didn’t really pay any attention to her. Hmm. So, that was Saturday. Sunday we spent the day huddled up in bed with one another. He was sick as a dog from the previous nights party so we were just lazy. Went to a burger joint and got a few burgers and fries. It was delicious but holy hell.. VERY greasy. They threw the fries in the bag and the grease was seeping through =/ Not to mention, the burgers were BEEF burgers. I never eat beef. I have to change my ways again because spending so much time with him is changing my eating habits and I’m not okay with that. The trip to and from CT were both good. Not much has changed.

Today was a good day. I ate well but did not deprive myself. My meal plan went like this:

• 1 egg white & 1 whole egg on wheat toast w/ 1 slice american cheese, coffee
• 1/3 bag of single serving size doritos
• fresh southwestern turkey wrap w/ tomato, lettuce, cheese and an apple
• 1 cupcake (Ashley brought them in)

So, that’s it so far. Not too shabby. The cup cake wasn’t necessary but Ashley had brought them in so I figured, why not? I only had one and it was delicious. Everything else for the day was pretty good, minus th Doritos but again, it’s not so bad because it wasn’t even a serving. Portion control, Nikki. Portion control! I’m not sure what dinner is going to be. As of right now I’m not even all that hungry. I don’t want to not eat and then be starving later though so maybe in a little while I’ll heat up the last turkey dog that I have. Throw some sauerkraut on there and call it a night. Maybe have a small bag of popcorn for dessert. Hmm.

New developments at work! We have a new employee. I’m very excited. I met her briefly today and she seems super nice. She’s 21 and will be starting tomorrow. The boss is going to the gym so me and Ashley will get to play with her all night. She seems really sweet and the kind of person we could all hang out with. =D Yayay!

Welp, I should go check on my laundry. Not much going on tonight. Gonna curl up with some TV and my book. Good things, good things. =) Have a good night, ladies!

- Nikki

The title of this entry is from the song Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. I connected with these lyrics in such a way that I felt the need to share them =)

Today was a good food day. My menu so far has been:

• weight watchers muffin - 180
• whole grain cheerios - 220
• buffalo chicken wrap on whole wheat w/ lettuce, tomato & cheese - 400
• regular size pemagranate yogurt w/ blackberries & dark chocolate - 300
• 1 serving baked tostitos and salsa - 125

So, calories were about 1225 for today. I guessed on the wrap because I picked it up from the super market. Not bad. Still keeping the calories low which makes me happy. It’s so strange because I dont eat bad. I always buy healthy foods, I very rarely eat fast food, I don’t drink soda or sugary drinks, I don’t add sugar to my coffee and I don’t eat white bread/white rice and what not. My lack of activity and over drinking on the weekends is my problem. Candy has been an issue with me too. Whenever I get bored at work I turn to candy or scratch offs. Both are bad for me. Sigh.

Tomorrow I have work from 9pm - 7pm. It’s going to be a very long day. I’m really hoping to wake up some what early tomorrow morning to have some time to myself in the morning to journal, drink a cup of coffee and have a yummy breakfast. Tonight I’ll get my food and gym bag together for tomorrow. After work tomorrow I’ll get to the gym for at least 30 miles. I’ll knock off 2.5 miles with any luck on the treadmill and then work on circuit trainer. I need to work out again =(

Anyhow. I guess that’s all for tonight. I’m gonna fix up my room and get the stuff ready for tomorrow. Hope everyone had a wonderful day.

Well, the two days that Drew was here came and went. It always happens like that, though. Doesn’t it? We had a wonderful time, as always. He got in real late on Wednesday evening so we spent the night cuddling and soon after fell asleep. Thursday we woke around 10am. I made us breakfast, we had some coffee and then we headed to the stores. It was a beautiful day so we walked. We visited the card store, went to Rite Aid for a few things and then got frozen yogurt from Red Mango. I got pomegranate flavor with blackberries and dark chocolate pieces. Yum! We walked home, got some stuff together and went to the movies to see Zombieland. Eh. It was okay. Everyone said it was fantastic. Oh well. We headed home and then met up with Ashley, Katie and Shannon at Applebees for 2fers and half priced appetizers. Yeah, needless to say that wasn’t such a great diet day. Had about four beers, chicken wings and a little bit of everyone else’s because we were all sharing.

Yesterday was really great, actually. He woke up first, got coffee and because I heard him getting up I got up too. We had picked up Scrabble the day before so we spent the morning drinking coffee, eating breakfast that I had made and playing Scrabble. Perfect. We made a quick trip to the mall to check out some of their other games, filled up my gas tank, came home and played another game. Mom and Dad got home from the vets early and made a big dinner of mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes, green beans, rolls and pot roast. Mmmm! Delicious. Drew is so adorable. Everytime he is here my mother makes a big production of it. He alwyas says they don’t have to go to the extreme when he is here but that decision is out of my mind. That’s all my mothers doing. We settled down on the couch with my family, watched a horrible movie and ate dinner. Lovely. =) But.. as always, there is never enough time for us to be together to satisfy me. Soon enough it was off to the train station. I didn’t take into account that it was Friday at rush hour so I was nervous we would be late. It was all fine though. I still had my time to say goodbye to him.

Coming home after dropping him off at the station is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s so lonely. It’s trully indescribable. I fell asleep, curled up last night thinking about him holding me from behind. Sigh. I miss him. Six more sleeps and I’ll be with him again.

Today I have work from 12pm - 7pm. Not bad. It should go decently fast. I think I’m working with Linda and Indranie today so that’s okay. With any luck Indranie will take off early. I don’t care if I have to take my lunch an hour after I come in. I just don’t want her to be there the entire time. Heh. I’m going to do my best to just stay out on the floor all day long. I don’t want to deal with anyone. I’m sure it’s going to be a very quiet day. We’re supposed to get A LOT of rain so… yeah. Whatever. Work is work. Tonight my family and I may play poker. I bought a puzzle yesterday at the store so I think I’ll get a big piece of cardboard from work today and then use that to put the puzzle together =) I’m excited about that. I haven’t done a puzzle in a LONG time.

Anyway, I should get going. I need a refill on my coffee and I should figure out what I’m going to have for breakfast. Enjoy the day, all.

- Nikki

Gosh. I love this movie. I could watch this movie over and over again and never be sick of it.

Anyhow, today was alright day. I had work from 9am - 7pm. I was alone with the boss for the first five hours of my shift. She was not in a pissy mood at all. She was marginally happy. Though I dislike working alone with her because she tries to joke around with me and have conversations. It bothers me. I don’t like talking to her and everything she does bothers the crap out of me. I had no one to really chat with for the first five hours. Ugh. Ashley finally came in and made me immediately happy. I hate my boss. I hate my job. However, it’s decent money for what I do and I know I’m looking for another job in the mean time.

Sleepys has not called me back. It’s been almost a week and I’m losing faith. I guess what is meant to be will happen for me. If that doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t for me. Enough said about that. Time to move on.

I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser this season. Last season I did not watch at all and I thought I’d be even less into watching this one but the fact remains that the show still motivates me. And even though there are advertisements thrown into the show and the crying is getting absolutely ridiculous, the results and the people are still real. They are still doing it the right way and that gives me hope.

I’ve been journaling a lot at night time and I think I need to start waking up early to have “me” time. I really miss that. I want to drink my coffee, have a nice breakfast, journal and get my mind in the right place for the rest of the day. It sucks waking up at 8:15 and being out of the house 30 minutes later. It doesn’t give me any time. I always notice I’m in a much better mood when I have time to myself in the morning so this is my new goal for tomorrow. I’ll set the alarm for 7:15am and will hopefully actually wake up at 7:15am. I go to bed decently early every single night. There is no reason for me to sleep any later.

I need to get to the gym tomorrow. I have work 9 - 4 and then I have NINE hours until Drews train comes in. I’m going to go stir crazy thinking about seeing him. I could hit the gym for about an hour and come home to shower, change, relax and maybe head to Ashleys house to watch Glee with Shannon. I’ve GOT to keep myself occupied. Anyhow, I suppose I’ll get going now. It’s almost 11pm and I’m pretty pooped.

Later, all.

Today was an okay day. Food was good. I was conscious of what I ate and I portioned my food well. I didn’t snack as often as I normally do between meals which is an extra plus. I didn’t go to the gym or do my yoga DVD.

The weekend was good. Work on Saturday took far too long as usual. Ashley ended up calling out so I had to stay a few more hours then expected. I still made my 6:16pm train out of Hicksville to Penn Station though. I made it to Connecticut at around 9pm. I waited ten minutes for Drew to get there and then it was off to his house where I quickly showered, dressed, did my make up and then we were off to the Halloween party. Let’s just say that my idea of a party isn’t sitting around a gaming console and playing video games the entire night. Drew and I came home and went to sleep around 4am after some alone time together.

Now, I didn’t think I drank that much that night but when I woke up, I had the worst hang over. I vomited until there was nothing but bile coming up and I had a pounding headache. I’m getting sick way too often in Drews house and it’s getting embarassing. I did not drink a lot that night. I know I didn’t. Drew said the same exact thing. I think the reason why I got so sick was because I didn’t eat much. When I was heavier I could handle my liqour like it was nobodys business. It also helped that I was *always* eating something. And now, I’m not eating as often so I don’t have that food in the belly to soak up that alcohol. It’s just getting to be an old story and it’s really starting to bother me. I have a small confession to make too. I am SO terrified of being put on the spot to drive that I will drink just so I am not looked at to drive. There. I said it. I’m embarassed by it but that’s the truth of it. I’ll drink to get intoxicated so I don’t have to drive. I *have* to stop drinking so much. It’s not only bad for my weight but it makes me do things that I’m embarassed by. Such as vomiting at my boyfriends house on a regular basis. It’s pathetic. Not to mention I wake up with a horrible hangover. I end up staying in bed until noon and I don’t get to get out and enjoy the day with my boyfriend whom I only get to a see a couple times each week. Apparently Drews mother has been asking about me and asking if I got sick after a night of partying. Sigh. I’m embarassed. It’s okay to drink. It’s okay to have a good time. It’s not okay to get sick and wake up with a pounding headache almost every time. I’m a binge drinker. I drink to get drunk. I rarely can stop at one. It’s a problem and I need to figure it out for myself. If I can’t control myself then I can’t be around it. I think before the Halloween party I need to tie something around my wrist. A little reminder to let me know to keep myself in check. I see a problem and it needs to be fixed.

Anyway. Lunch is prepared for tomorrow. It’s going to be a ten hour shift tomorrow so I should bring a little extra to keep me through the entire day. For breakfast I’m going to try to wake up early and make a breakfast wrap. Eggs, turkey sausage and cheese in a wrap. Or maybe multigrain cheerios with fat free milk and a banana. Haven’t really decided. I hope I wake up early enough to make myself something. I’ve been buying at Starbucks every morning =/ Not good on my wallet or on my waist line.

Sometimes I just want to say “To hell with all the rules about having to save money and watch what I eat.” Isn’t there ever a time in life where we can just live and be happy with who we are? And if there is, how do we work to reach that blissful state of mind? Hmm..

To much going through my head right now. I’m gonna curl up in bed in a little while. Hopefully wake up with a clear mind.

- Nikki

Yeah, it’s definitely a cold sore on my upper lip. Sigh. With any luck it won’t be a big one. I spoke to my friend Amanda the last time about her cold sores and she says she gets aggressive with them. The faster the liquid comes out, the faster it crusts over and the sooner it heals. I’ve been releasing the liquid, cleaning it and putting Abreva on. I wash my hands before and after though to prevent spreading the virus. It should be okay for tomorrows Halloween party. After that I imagine it will become fully developed. Drews Halloween party is in two weeks so it should be gone by then.

I woke up early this morning. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up needing a nap later on. I could probably lay down right now and fall asleep. The weather is permitting it. Cloudy, rainy, cold. Welcome, Autumn =P

Laundry should get done today. I want to read a little bit of my book and I’ve got two Blockbuster movies to watch. Drag Me To Hell and The Proposal. Both look like a suitable choice for today, I think.

Breakfast this morning was two egg whites, two pc whole grain bread, 1 slice 2% cheese and a cut up turkey dog. Calories were probably around 225 for that whole meal and I’m left completely satisfied. I’m not sure what lunch is going to be. I’ve sort of run out of food. Haven’t been food shopping in a couple weeks so I’m finishing off whatever I’ve got home. May have a weight watchers meal. Make it nice and simple. We’ll see.

Welp. I guess that’s all for todays entry. I’m gonna go curl up in bed and maybe start a movie. Think I’ll watch the scary one.. =D Have a great day, everyone.

- Nikki

Seriously? Again? Noooooo! =( I’ve got another cold sore. Ugh! This sucks. I hate this. I don’t really care about having this embarassing blemish on my face. The one thing that irritates me the most is I only get to see Drew one night - two at most - and when I have a cold sore I can’t kiss him. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and give me the most toe-curling, passionate kiss and that can’t happen when I have a cold sore. I noticed a small reddish bump today after dinner. It has to be a cold sore. I don’t think it’s a pimple. I’ve been putting Abreva on it and I bought something else called Veractin. A friend of mine suggested it so I just ordered it online. I’ll try anything. Luckily, apparently the first break out is the worst. Sigh! I’ve got the Halloween party on Saturday and next week Drew is coming here for two days. I’m already going to have TOM when he is here so that derails us slightly. Hmph! Things are not working out for me right now!

I’ve been bummed out. Yesterday was bad. I drank too much and I ended up bingeing. That need to just eat came over me. I haven’t felt that in a long time. I just needed anything to satisfy my urge. At one point I was going to heat up a breakfast sandwich at almost 400 calories and then I stopped myself. I probably ate that much in egg salad though. It was just a bad night.

I haven’t been to the gym in a week because of my toes. After two days of running on the treadmill my toenail turned black and liquid built up beneath the nail. I released that liquid and the nail fell off. I researched this and it is apparently common in runners. Either my shoe is too small for me and the tip of my toe is banging against the shoe or my foot is sliding and hitting it. I don’t know which. I think it may be the small shoes so I will have to take a look at that.

Food hasn’t been good. Eating has been my comfort. It seems I don’t have anything to live for until the next meal comes. I don’t get it.

Mom is worried about me =/ My facebook updates have been a bit wonky lately. I honestly think it’s because of TOM coming next week. This is how I usually get. Mom said she doesn’t like me being in a funk and she worries. She said the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with Drew. Her works exactly were “I’m sorry you are so unhappy here.” Sigh. It’s not that I am unhappy here it’s just that I go for wonderful weekends with the man I love and then I’m thrown back into this mundane existance. The wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work. And we start this process over the next day. I *like* traveling. I like feeling like I have something amazing going on in my life. And that amazing thing is Drew. My love for him and my need to be with him increases with every single day that goes by. He believes in me and he is there for me. He loves me no matter what. It’s wonderful and at the same time, it’s terrifying. I don’t want to let him down and I know I’ve been known to do that to people. I’ve never once thought he was too good for me. He’s always spoken to me like I was on the same playing field as him. We have this understanding and connection with eachother. I’m so afraid that will change. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. All of these thoughts are just jumbled around in my head. I don’t know.

Work is work. Same old crap. We got a new lotto machine. It’s all touch-screen. The printer is slow. Indranie informed me a couple days ago that we are  moving the store location. It’s in the same center but a few stores down from where we are now. She knows everyone is looking for new jobs. Nicole is already gone. Ashley starts her part-time bank job next week. She looked at me with these sad eyes and said “Nikki, please don’t leave me. I want you to come with me when we move the store.” Sigh. I hate it when people reach out to me like that. It tugs at my heart strings. And, it’s not like I don’t want to. I would love to stay in the comfortable position that I’ve grown so used to. It’s a matter of me growing up and needing something more suitable for my age. I need to think about where Drew and I can possibly end up together. I know I could get a job anywhere but it’s a matter of me looking for it.

I got a call back from Sleepys for a receptionist position at the main office. I would be taking calls, accepting packages and greeting anyone to walk in the door. I think it’s a job I can do. I just need to have a little bit of faith in myself. She seemed to like me and she said she would transfer over my resume to the heads of management. We’ll see what happens there. I don’t know. Worse comes to worse, I go to the interview and I don’t get the job. At least I’ll have a little bit more experience in interviewing under my melt. We’ll see.

I have off tomorrow and I know if I don’t spread myself out I am going to have a miserable day. It’s supposed to rain constantly and I’ve got a few goals in mind. I’d like to get to the gym, finish up all my laundry and pack some stuff for this weekend. I’m heading to the mall with Nicole and Shannon at the end of the day so that will be nice to hang out with them. I’d like to eat decently. I need to feel in control because I feel so out of it lately. I’m just not happy. It’s so much easier to just bask in my unhappiness than to muster up the energy to do the things I *know* will make me happy. I have to stop taking the easier route out of things. That’s how I became 250 pounds in the first place. I don’t think I will gain back all that weight but I also never thought I would gain back a measely ten pounds and look at where I am now.. Weight was 158.5 yesterday. Ten pounds is nothing. I can shave that off if I wanted to. If I really wanted it. Like how I’ve done it before. I could do it.

I need to stop being so negative in my life. It’s really causing me my mental stability. I need to positive about things. I have to stop saying “I don’t know.” or “I can’t”. Because I DO know and I CAN do it. It’s just whether or not I CHOOSE to do it. I’m going to go to sleep with a clear conscience and an optomistic atittude about waking up tomorrow and beginning my day. I refuse to be so down anymore. It’s not me and it’s not who I was meant to be. Hmph!

Until next time. I’m off to snuggle up in bed and watch some TV. Night all.

- Nikki

I slept until noon today. Oops =P To be fair, I technically woke up at 8:30 with a MASSIVE headache. I took a few aspirin and fell right back to sleep and when I opened my eyes it was 12pm. I haven’t done that in a while and I certaintly think my body needed it.

Last night was great. When I got off the computer I made my dinner, had another cup of coffee and then walked to the gym. I was going to drive but that’s dumb. It’s right around the corner and every little bit of activity helps. I power walked/jogged for three miles. I hopped off at 45 minutes after a 3 minute cool down or something like that. Overall, it was awesome. I definitely noticed that my stamina has decreased. When I looked at my face in the mirror afterwards it was bright red and covered in sweat. It was familiar. And wonderful. I thought “There you are…” =) It was nice. I came home and for a snack I had cottage cheese and two fruit tootsie rolls. The Mentalist came on at 10pm. I watched some of the news at 11pm and then it was dream time for me =D

Today will be a good day. It’s already 1pm. This is why I hate sleeping so late. I feel like the whole day is gone already and I just woke up. Sigh! Anywho, Nicole and I are going to the movies tonight. We are seeing Whip It. I’m excited about it. Ellen Page is a great actress and it’s Drew Barrymores first directorial debut or something along those lines. Should be good. Afterwards it’s home to do laundry and take a shower. I’m not sure what I want to do today for exercise. I can picture myself on that treadmill again today but I won’t have much time. Nicole will be here in less then 2 1/2 hours. So, I think I might pop in my Denise Austin Fat Burning Yoga DVD. Even if I don’t go to the gym it’s not an excuse to skip out on a work out. Whether it’s done from home or at the gym, it’s still exercise and it’s still melting that nasty fat that I want off of my body. Good things. Weekend exercises are going to be hard to come by, simply because I’m either with Drew in CT or he is here. We need to find more ways to be active together. Hmm.

Anywho. I guess that will be the end of this entry. Been sitting here long enough. Think I may straighten up my room. Make my bed and such. Could probably start on the laundry now. Until next time! =)

-Nikki

I have not been to the gym in months. I can’t remember the last time I have gone. Well before the summer even started, I’m sure. Unbelievable. It’s breaking me down. I hate myself. I’m loathing my body. I don’t feel sexy and I don’t feel pretty anymore. I don’t do my hair like I used to and I haven’t worn make up in weeks. Why, when I feel so awful, can’t I get myself fully back on track? I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I’ve done well with food today:

• ww bagel w/ whipped cream cheese, coffee w/ ff creamer
• handful animal crackers
• small salad w/ mixed veggies, cheese & croutons, small bag popcorn
• 1/2 bar 3 Musketeers mint

I’m happy with this so far. I’ve already got dinner planned out. I’m going to have two egg whites, ff cheese and turkey sausages between two whole wheat pieces of toast. No snack or dessert afterwards. Food is not my problem. Alcohol isn’t much of a problem either. I may have a drink every now and then with dinner or with friends. I have more to drink during the weekends when friends and I go out but it’s not nearly as much as I used to drink. My problem is my activity. I feel it in my muscles. I’m flabby and I wear slimming panties every single day to simply make myself feel better about myself. I know what to do! Why can’t I do it!?

Drew freaked out on my the other day. I had posted a Facebook status and it had something to do with weight loss and how I can’t do it anymore. Drew texted me in the morning and went off. Basically saying I complain ALL the time and I talk about going to the gym but it never happens. I never change. I just say the same stuff over and over again and nothing ever changes. I got upset at first because of how honest he was being.. but I knew he was telling me the truth. The truth hurts. I was a 250 pound girl. Two-Fifty!! The lowest weight I’ve ever seen register on my scale is 143. That’s.. INCREDIBLE! I achieved so much and I certaintly don’t want to throw it all away. I know I’m not happy. Unfortunately as humans, I think we sometimes marinate in our unhappiness. It’s easier than being happy sometimes. As strange as that sounds, I think it’s true. I’m giving in too easily and I’m feeling bad for myself. I’ve got to stop it. I need a schedule. I need to take care of myself. I need to love myself again. It will take time but my body will thank me for it. In a few weeks time once I start seeing those results again. Once I see those numbers begin to slide. I can do it again. I’ve got to.

Okay. I’m feeling pretty motivated right now. My work out clothes are already on. I’m going to fix dinner and tonight I’m heading out to the gym. I like going in the evening because it leaves the gym pretty empty. I’ll be there at 7:30. I don’t care how many miles I do. I don’t care how long I’m there. I just need to sweat again.

I’m off to fix myself dinner and get that out of the way. I’m back.

- Nikki

I can’t believe it’s October. It’s almost been an entire year since everything happened and it’s giving me a dizzy kind of feeling. I was just sitting here thinking about it and my stomach dropped. Just thinking about everything. The Halloween party, Joe, that night at the bowling alley. And then every single month that followed. I have issues with who I became after Ashley and I broke up. I was pathetic. When I look back at it now I know I was trying to figure out who I was. I knew myself to be with Ashley for the previous four years and then all of a sudden all of this happened. I remember crying at the bowling alley with Ashley and I had no idea why. I just felt… lost. The one person I think about around this time is defintiely Brandon. He always be the one that I considered to be my first. We were on our way to being a couple but we just weren’t right for each other. I just.. I don’t know. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. It’s not that I still have feelings for him but just thinking about all of that. It seems like it all happened to a different person. Or like it was a dream. It doesn’t feel like that was me. I can’t explain it. And I don’t think I’m doing a very good job in trying to explain it.

Everything that has happened has led me to the wonderful boyfriend that I have now. Drew is who I want to be with. I don’t know what is going to happen with us in the long run but I definitely want to make this work. He’s perfect for me and I love him so much.

I feel so strange today. Just confused. I keep on throwing myself back in the past and fast forwarding through everything. It’s leaving me empty. Sigh. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m going to end this entry.

- Nikki