The last three weeks have been painful. More days than not, I’ve worked 10-11 hours a day which to me, is too much. It was a horrible cycle that was flooded with stress and no balance. The work day was a constant flow of meetings, project activity, and dealing with difficult people. As a result, I was a stress basket. AND, I came across as one. People have been complaining to me that they don’t like it when I’m “this way”. The reaction is that I stress them out or that they want to avoid me. And when they avoid me I feel unloved, unaccepted, and I feel like something is wrong with me. And when I feel like something is wrong with me (not them) I internalize every emotion and feeling. That leads me to feeling depressed, binging, not getting rest, not fitting in exercise, and feeling like life is the worst.
Compared to the new year, these last three weeks have brought me right back to where I was a year ago. The amazing thing is is that I have the new year “feelings” to contrast and compare to the old feelings. I like the “new year” feelings TONS more. In the new year I was full of hope and joy. I was capable and able. The old feelings were hopeless and sad. I felt incapable, inept, undesirable, difficult, and sluggish. Those behaviors and feelings need to go away and be controlled when they do come up.
A blessing. I could see the difference between the two “lives”. It was hard to keep my head above water but knowing that I’ve been able, I knew what I wanted. I want to be joyful and hopeful and excited about life. That is my desire.
The weekend has arrived. I am SO happy I have the entire weekend to rest. But, it started off rocky.
At work yesterday, amidst all the work craziness I learned that the other girls had decided to go to the movies after work. One asked me if I was going but didn’t know that I hadn’t received the email invitation. So of course that sent me down into a tizzy of feeling so unwanted, undesirable, conspired against, and simply low. All these ill feelings came up and I felt so much bitterness and frustration that I had been forgotten. It’s that internal blame game I do (why didn’t they invite me? am i not good enough? what’s wrong with me? why am i so undesirable? is it my weight? the questions go on and on and on and downward. UGH!). It’s not a healthy mindset. But, I knew that much of these negative feelings were being nurtured by tiredness from the work week and not enough self care. So as the day went on, this negativity continued.
By the time I started my commute I was so full of emotions I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no plans and the no plans made things worth because there was nothing to look forward to. My life was looking and feeling EMPTY. It’s not. But at the moment, it felt that way. I took the dog for a nice walk on the trails but it was getting dark so I didn’t get to go for a long time which is what my body needed. I wanted dinner but by that time, I was so full of emotion and feeling that I couldn’t even concentrate on food but I knew I needed it. So, I picked Chili’s. If I were in a stronger, healthier frame of mind I would have chosen something healthier but I wanted something “fulfilling”, something to smother all the feelings I was having. I wanted food that would feed my emotions. What does that? Fatty and rich foods. A burger called my name! i ended up ordering a side salad for good measure and then I got a triple dipper (which I regretted later when I took the time to add up all the calories). I also got a paradise pie dessert. WOH! I’m shy to tell anyone how many calories I ate in that sitting and I ate EVERYTHING!
While all this was going on I got emails from my brothers. Out of the blue they struck up a conversation about some diet websites. OY, talk about feeling guilty after that meal. It was DIVINE INTERVENTION that this email came around. One of the ones they mentioned was LOSE IT!
Since I had no plans I decided to try it out. Set it up on my phone, set up an account and last night and today, I’ve entered what I’ve eaten and my exercise. I’m WAY over budget but I”m proud of myself for entering truthfully. AND, instead of being lazy, I took the dog for a 35 min. walk. YAY! Good decision!
Yesterday we did the Biggest Loser weigh in. I’ve gained more weight. 156. Think like a scientist. This is feedback not failure.
I believe tracking the foods I eat and the type/amount of exercise I do will be useful in my journey to better health.
I also need to be more consistent with medication and testing BG. Moment by moment, day by day! Moving forward.