365 DAYS: Food 4 This Girl

Doctor’s appointment. Increasing med slightly. Doctor remind me of hope that with weightless, things will be better.

Work. Busy, busy day. After two days away it was bearable.

Dinner. Tired. No plans. Take out. Good choice to only eat half of what I bought rather than the whole thing like usual.

Bored. I’m bored. I’m never bored. I can’t believe it. In some ways, I’m please I’m bored. I’m able to recognize it.

Easygoing evening. Just what I need!

I’m celebrating a small success on my journey tonight.

It was getting late this evening (almost 8pm) after I walked the dog. Dinner still hadn’t been planned because I had spent a mental health day working on my resume. I started wandering through the shopping plaza trying to figure out what to “pick up” for dinner. I could have eaten leftovers but getting tired of eating the soup I made for the third meal. So I went to…

Chipotle.

Usually when I’m in this state of “pick whatever up” it means I’m too tired or hungry to make a clear decision to eat something healthy. Then I remembered Chipotle is on my “Lose It!” list so it would be easier for me to track the calories. Usually that means three tacos (that’s “one” order) or a burrito would be piled with the meat, beans, salsa, AND sour cream. Sometimes it also meant guacamole and a whole bag of the chips. Yeah, I admit. I’ve had an entire bag before. As I went through the line I thought, the salsa would be a good choice and I can definitely do without the sour cream since that’s where a lot of the calories and fat are. I CAN GIVE IT UP! I gave up sour cream for the first time in I don’t know how long. Years, perhaps.

I came home to eat and before I started I decided to calculate the calories to determine how much of my meal I could eat before I went over my daily calorie budget. Well, I’d had an ice cream sundae earlier today so that edged me up to the end of my budget pretty close but I was pretty determined to try to stay as close to it as I could and still feel satisfied.

YESTERYEAR: all three tacos completely, the entire cup of guacamole, and the whole bag of chips. Maybe a medium or large diet coke.

TODAY: 1 whole taco, the insides of 2 tacos (w/o tortillas), 1/2 the cup of guacamole, and a handful of the chips. And, no soda. I drank water.

It was still substantial in calories. It said the meat in one of the tacos was 190 calories. Woh! But, I was able to cut out the extra calories I would have eaten on an old day.

I went over my budget by about 250 calories but that’s nothing compared to the 1000-2000 calories over budgets that I’ve done before.

SMALL SUCCESS, but a success nonetheless. Yay me!

After dinner I noticed my brain kept wanting me to eat. It’s not as much as I used to. Was I full? It wasn’t clear. Half of my brain said “you want more” and the other said “that’s enough. you don’t NEED more. stop now so you don’t reach the ‘I feel gross’ stage”. But, my body was still trying to figure out which to listen to and also trying to figure what it wanted. So, rather than reach for the chips or guacamole, I decided on a clementine mandarine orange.

Sweet. Healthy. Done.

A new day. A new morning. Making a good choice right now.

Walk. 15 min.

Fasting BG: 145.

I’ve been forgetting to measure my BG. Yesterday, totally forgot until after I was eating a meal. Then I thought “uh oh… too late. Not going to be a “right” measurement”. Not sure my thinking is right in this but I’ll have to ask my doctor tomorrow.

I have a doctor’s appt. but now I’m nervous about it because I haven’t been perfect or even nearly perfect with a full record of what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to track, though, on “Lose It!”.

I’ve been forgetting to take my Metformin on a regular basis. Like yesterday. I didn’t take my first one until 4pm.

Breakfast. Steel Cut Oatmeal and blueberry yogurt (2 Tbsp). I’ve decided putting yogurt in my oatmeal isn’t a favorite taste. But, because I’m going to yoga, I wanted to be sure to eat something before I go but nothing too heavy that I’ll feel gross later.

My thought pattern is… light breakfast, have a heartier lunch. Going to be out so might as well have lunch out. But, save up in the morning for it.

Yoga. Coming up. I need to stretch this body. It will feel good.

I’m wearing green today. That never happens. Green isn’t usually a good color for me. But today, something “new” to revive life.

BG this morning @ fasting. 167. YIKES! Reality. Eat a lot of fat and carbs at night, BG goes high.

The last couples of days were pretty good. Lose It was helpful to track. Today, life got busy again and I didn’t even have time to potty let alone track. Some days will simply be like this. Now it’s night and I need to catch up with my tracking for today.

It’s so hard to remember yourself when work and life becomes a tornado of activity. SWIRL!

But there are little moments where I say “eat the orange first”.

Driving home with my carpool I lost it. The water works flowed from my face. Work stress is caving in. I feel like I can’t get a hold of myself there. Everything seems to be pulling me down. How is this so difficult? I’ve been at this job for 6 years. I’m finally at wits end. Yet, I don’t look for another job. This job is breaking me down, bit by bit. I’m retreating for the night. I’m spending it in the quiet and having some quiet God time tonight. Diving into the Bible and praying. So much has to change. My life depends on it. All the stress is wearing down my body.

My body. It’s all I have. It’s my one body for my one lifetime.

Fasting BG this morning was 137.

I started using “Lose It!” app this past weekend. I just finished tracking the third day. Day 1 was awful. Break down after work too but I dove into food on Friday. Saturday was a tiny bit better but still a bit shaky and full of sweets. Sunday was a tiny bit better again. I had cooked healthier foods for myself. Today, my best day yet. I took a walk during lunch. 35 min. of exercise. YAY! My blood sugar was 95. By end of day I was over my calorie count by about 300 calories. With exercise I came out just slightly over. SO good! I also got in a 20 min. walk after walk. I’m not hungry but I’m not overly full and I don’t feel weighed down. This is success! Way to go! My blood sugar after walking the dog tonight (before dinner) was 100.

So far, I like how Lose It tracks my calories, carbs, etc. It’s knowledge and wisdom. I know my numbers and from this knowledge I can make better assessed changes.

Doing it again tomorrow.

The last three weeks have been painful. More days than not, I’ve worked 10-11 hours a day which to me, is too much. It was a horrible cycle that was flooded with stress and no balance. The work day was a constant flow of meetings, project activity, and dealing with difficult people. As a result, I was a stress basket. AND, I came across as one. People have been complaining to me that they don’t like it when I’m “this way”. The reaction is that I stress them out or that they want to avoid me. And when they avoid me I feel unloved, unaccepted, and I feel like something is wrong with me. And when I feel like something is wrong with me (not them) I internalize every emotion and feeling. That leads me to feeling depressed, binging, not getting rest, not fitting in exercise, and feeling like life is the worst.

Compared to the new year, these last three weeks have brought me right back to where I was a year ago. The amazing thing is is that I have the new year “feelings” to contrast and compare to  the old feelings. I like the “new year” feelings TONS more. In the new year I was full of hope and joy. I was capable and able. The old feelings were hopeless and sad. I felt incapable, inept, undesirable, difficult, and sluggish. Those behaviors and feelings need to go away and be controlled when they do come up.

A blessing. I could see the difference between the two “lives”. It was hard to keep my head above water but knowing that I’ve been able, I knew what I wanted. I want to be joyful and hopeful and excited about life. That is my desire.

The weekend has arrived. I am SO happy I have the entire weekend to rest. But, it started off rocky.

At work yesterday, amidst all the work craziness I learned that the other girls had decided to go to the movies after work. One asked me if I was going but didn’t know that I hadn’t received the email invitation. So of course that sent me down into a tizzy of feeling so unwanted, undesirable, conspired against, and simply low. All these ill feelings came up and I felt so much bitterness and frustration that I had been forgotten. It’s that internal blame game I do (why didn’t they invite me? am i not good enough? what’s wrong with me? why am i so undesirable? is it my weight? the questions go on and on and on and downward. UGH!). It’s not a healthy mindset. But, I knew that much of these negative feelings were being nurtured by tiredness from the work week and not enough self care. So as the day went on, this negativity continued.

By the time I started my commute I was so full of emotions I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no plans and the no plans made things worth because there was nothing to look forward to. My life was looking and feeling EMPTY. It’s not. But at the moment, it felt that way. I took the dog for a nice walk on the trails but it was getting dark so I didn’t get to go for a long time which is what my body needed. I wanted dinner but by that time, I was so full of emotion and feeling that I couldn’t even concentrate on food but I knew I needed it. So, I picked Chili’s. If I were in a stronger, healthier frame of mind I would have chosen something healthier but I wanted something “fulfilling”, something to smother all the feelings I was having. I wanted food that would feed my emotions. What does that? Fatty and rich foods. A burger called my name! i ended up ordering a side salad for good measure and then I got a triple dipper (which I regretted later when I took the time to add up all the calories). I also got a paradise pie dessert. WOH! I’m shy to tell anyone how many calories I ate in that sitting and I ate EVERYTHING!

While all this was going on I got emails from my brothers. Out of the blue they struck up a conversation about some diet websites. OY, talk about feeling guilty after that meal. It was DIVINE INTERVENTION that this email came around. One of the ones they mentioned was LOSE IT!

Since I had no plans I decided to try it out. Set it up on my phone, set up an account and last night and today, I’ve entered what I’ve eaten and my exercise. I’m WAY over budget but I”m proud of myself for entering truthfully. AND, instead of being lazy, I took the dog for a 35 min. walk. YAY! Good decision!

Yesterday we did the Biggest Loser weigh in. I’ve gained more weight. 156. Think like a scientist. This is feedback not failure.

I believe tracking the foods I eat and the type/amount of exercise I do will be useful in my journey to better health.

I also need to be more consistent with medication and testing BG. Moment by moment, day by day! Moving forward.

Trying to hold it together. The last two weeks were so difficult. I had to work A LOT in the last two weeks and after so many days of late work hours, getting home late and being too tired, I didn’t take the time to exercise, my diet became fast food and whatever I could quickly throw together, and then because I wanted to get all my stuff done in the evening I didn’t go to sleep until late which then meant less sleep because I had to do it all over again the next day. By this past weekend, I had to stop. I had to stop the craziness. It was time to pull back and get more rest, more exercise, and work on being more conscious of what I eat.

I managed two longer hikes this weekend. One was a long walk from the park to the bridge (about 1.5 miles each way). The other was to from a distant parking lot all the way to the water which had some inclines. So nice! My butt and legs felt it the next morning.

But as a result of all the up and downs with lifestyle my blood sugar was pretty high last week. Yesterday my fasting was 145, went for walk at lunch and BG was 95 afterwards. That was nice to see. But at 95 I was starting to feel frantic and rushed. I couldn’t concentrate and felt like I was going here and there doing this and that. Weird feeling!

I’ve started noticing how winded I get. I can feel my heart pulsating. When walking up a outdoor stairwell (straight up) a few weeks ago, I could barely catch my breath at the top. UGH! Doing more cardio will help this, I think.

So I’m still here. I’m hanging on. Balancing life demands and personal desires is tough. I”m more conscious about it than a year or two ago but even so it continues to be a challenge for me.

The day must begin. It can be a good day. Balance. Care for my time.

Here goes…

I’ve been working late most days in the last 2 work weeks. Extremely busy days, long hours (10-11 hours a day), coming home too tired to do anything. Simply, too busy and feeling hopeless because my job doesn’t “feed” my soul. It steals it.

So, I come home too tired. My walks are generally shorter. I’m eating out more. I forget to test. But, I allow it to happen.

Who am I trying to please? Why am I working THIS hard? How do I balance my “health” when I have to work hard like this?

Tomorrow is Friday. I am hopeful it will be the end of this craziness. At least, until a few more weeks so I can recover.