Today was a rough day personally. My DH and I are going through some issues right now. We love each other but there are times when we just get on each other’s nerves. I think he’s worried about me since I’ve decided to move forward with checking into my options with surgery.
I’ve done a lot of research on WLS and also on obesity. I’ve found some very interesting sites regarding why it’s so hard to lose weight after you are MO. (Morbidly obese) Here is a link to a site regarding Dr. Jules Hirsh and his studies on why MO have a more difficult time keeping off the weight they lose.Genes Take Charge
If you have some time on your hands here is a class being taught by Dr. Robert Baron, UCSF Professor of Medicine. He is an expert on obesity and related topics in nutrition and chronic disease. Dr. Robert Benson\’s Class It is extremely interesting and insightful about a condition that has plagued me my entire adult life.
Doing this research has really helped me understand what is going on with my body. I had begun to think I was going crazy! So I have decided to research more information about what type of surgery would work best for me and give me the best long term results and I believe I have found it in the Duodenal Switch.
So today I had a phone consultation with my surgeon, Dr. Greenbaum. He seems very nice and knows his stuff. I have a lot of work to do pre-op so I’m getting on that. I debated on keeping my blog here and decided that this is just as much of a weight loss journey as any other that is being blogged about here. It’s just as difficult. I hope that you all will support me in my quest to find myself and if you have any questions I’d be happy to talk to you!
I feel like everything I’ve ever believed is upside-down. Last week I had a horrible stomach flu. My daughter brought it home from school I think. She had it first and then DH and I both came down with it the same night, right after dinner. It was awful. I won’t go into the details here. I’m sure you can figure it all out. Anyways afterwards I took longer to recover, probably because I still had to take care of everyone else even while I was sick. So I had this dream that unless I did something now about my weight it would never happen and it was like a revelation that I should reconsider WLS. I had always sworn it was an option I would never consider. Ever. I just didn’t want to have to watch what I ate for the rest of my life, or worse still gain it all back after doing something so drastic. But I think I’ve found an option that will prevent both called the Duodenal Switch. My insurance covers it and I’ve found a surgeon. Now to talk to my doctor. I have an appointment in a couple weeks. We were going to discuss my options then anyway, and I have a feeling he was going to suggest WLS but I’ve been very stubborn about it. Now I realize it’s not a cop out but a tool that if used correctly can help me become the active and healthy person I’ve always wanted to be. I’ll be able to go hiking with my sister and not worry about keeping up.
I have tried to change my eating to more vegan – it’s absolutely miserable, esp since my DH isn’t on board. He says I should just exercise more. I have exercised my butt off (well not literally obviously) and I can’t seem to budge the scale more then a few pounds. DH said it was the “easy way out” even if it was more painful. What do I tell him? How can I bring him around? He’s telling me it’s the ultimate lazy way – to just lay there and have it done. I’m so angry and hurt I don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.
Today was BL on the Wii. I looked at the exercises for moderate and realized there was no way I could do them, so I stuck with the light. I think in another week I’ll try moderate and see how it goes.
8 min warm up
23 min Core workout
9 min cool down
40 minute total workout
It was definately intense for me and gave me a really good workout over all. My daughter wanted to join in, and I almost kicked her, so that was fun. I told her she could join if she stayed on the side but you know how 3 yo’s are. I was afraid it might be worse, but hopefully with time she’ll just ignore my workouts as something ‘mommy does’. Kills off another excuse I had for not exercising.
Have you ever watched the show or movie Legally Blonde? I mean the musical. There’s a song called “I’m Positive” that talks about thinking positively and overcoming the negative thoughts. That’s how I feel today.
I’ve decided to be personal with this blog instead of hiding myself the way I have in the past. I think the hiding was really me pretending I wasn’t that bad or that fat. I am. It’s something that is really hard to face. I don’t feel fat. what does fat feel like? I’m not sure really, but then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror (always the chest up, no full length mirrors in the house of course) and wonder who that person is? Then I realize it’s me. Then I realize that perhaps I do know what being fat feels like because I am. It feels exhausting. Watching the biggest loser last week what impressed me the most was when Bob Harper took on the weight of the guy who weighed 430lbs. Suddenly I thought about my sister who is a fit healthy woman. She’s always worked hard on herself to stay in shape. I thought of her putting on, the way Bob did, my weight in pounds and how heavy that would be for her. Then I thought about how shedding the weight would be so freeing and liberate me and my body from this prison of fat it’s in. I thought how much fun it would be to be able to go hiking with her and maybe even try skiing (I’ve always sworn off , too scared to lose control), or running with her. She’s been so encouraging to me. Last summer she even went running with me when I asked. She was running circles around me, but she wasn’t making fun. She was telling me I could do it and to keep it up and how proud she was of me. She is 6 years younger, so when she was a teenager she used to look at me differently. I remember well her telling me that I could never lose weight because I wouldn’t “look right”. Now I realize that was a silly girl who had never seen her sister as anything but fat and honestly didn’t know what I’d look like thin. Neither do I. And it’s something I’d like to see. I don’t want to live my whole life trapped in this body, I want to be free to wear what I want and do what I want without worrying if I will fit.
I’m proud of myself for taking on the challenge of getting healthy and losing weight. I have to be because no one else seems to be. My husband says every single day, and I quote, “When are you going to lose that gut?” or “When are you going to do something about that gut?” So I decided to do something. I decided to order the Biggest Loser Wii game from gamefly in case it wasn’t what I expected. When I got it, I did the work out and it was great, kicked my butt, but made me feel powerful, like I can do anything. So I’ve spent a week just watching my diet and cutting waaaaay back on my intake. But I didn’t follow it up with the workouts, mostly because I wasn’t home. They did the weigh in and I’d only lost 3 pounds, which wasn’t much but at least it was a loss. So I told DH and he said he could lose that much taking a big S#** and it didn’t impress him. How encouraging.
So this week, starting yesterday, I decided I would work out everyday. Today after my work out my muscles were very sore and I wanted a hot shower and a massage. I was laughing and saying something about how sore I was and my DH response? I don’t want to hear about your problems now that you’ve discovered how out of shape you are.
I’ve started this blog because I need encouragement from someone. Obviously I’m not going to get it from him. He’s too worried about his own problems then to worry about me in any way, including any hurt feelings I might have from his snide comments. If I express my hurt then I’m “trying to pick a fight”.
I’m fed up with pretty much everything in my life. So I’m doing what I can to take control. I saw a quote last night that really hit home. It was “If you want it you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” That has been me for years. Finding excuses for all the things that were wrong with my life. I’m done with excuses. I’m finding a way.