Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Coma April 11, 2012

Filed under: 2012 — jewlz280 @ 11:44 am

I feel like I am in a coma today.  My limbs all feel sluggish and my brain is up and working but then suddenly mid-sentence I realize I combined two different sentences.  So…. typing this may take a while.  Youngest was up FOREVER last night.  I HATE having to do this, but I really am at a loss as to what else to do.  I feel like the main reason he gets up is because he has gotten in the habit of having a bottle during the middle of the night so he is getting up and then expecting one.  So, to get him to sleep through I am denying him the bottle.  And he is PLENTY old enough at 21mos. not to need a bottle.  He fussed, fought, cried and screamed for over 2hrs. last night.  I kept going in, getting him settled and then going back to bed.  Then he’d be right back up.  Then I tried spanking and saying NO — it’s night night and there is no crying.  He kept on.  So, then I just closed the door and just let him cry.  And cry he did!  So, then I finally just got up with him.  He walked around for a bit and then realized, hey!  I’m SLEEPY!  And crawled up on the couch to lay on me and go to sleep.  But I never gave him a bottle.  Has he gotten up before and not wanted a bottle?  Yes.  But usually he wants a bottle.  I am hoping that even though this is a battle, that his body will get use to not having that after a few nights and he will stop waking up.  In the meantime, I’m exhausted.  I couldn’t get up to get oldest on the bus this AM and my husband had to take him to school.  Not to mention, I had wanted to let him sleep a bit since I knew that he’d probably been kept awake by youngest, too.  UGH.  I hope we make it through this week.

On a good note, at least all my water weight is gone from Flo.  AND, at least I am trying really hard not to stress over every little thing.  Because I’m tired and when I’m tired, I tend to stress over the details like the housework.  Which is behind at this point and I don’t really care.  The house isn’t bad, just not as clean as I would like it.  Like, I need to vacuum and then mop, dishes are piling up, and dusting will need to be done soon.  AND, I’ve not worked on a single project this week.  But instead of being upset I’m just trying to tell myself that this is how it goes.  I’m going to have great days and bad days and the more I stress, the more bad days I have.  So, why stress?  I’m just going on and when a good stretch comes along I’ll get caught back up.  And besides, it’s mostly picked up and everyone is clean and fed and the bathroom is holding up well from the last good rubdown.  Which means that overall, the house is picked up just not nitty gritty clean.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  However, I still haven’t worked out.  Just too darn tired.  I tried to yesterday, but I just ached all over; same today.  I even picked up and everything so that the floor was clear but I just wanted to sit.  I still hope to get up and do something today, though.  Oldest is going to the dentist later for his first filling, so that should be… miserable.  But we will see.  I hope he doesn’t freak.  If I have the energy I may go do a bit more shopping after that.  Just being out may make me feel better.

I guess I should say my weight this AM was 190 flat… again!  But I’ve not seen that in a while so I am tickled.  I am just going to keep doing what I’m doing and hope to keep going down.  That’s what I’ve always done and so far, it’s been working.  Although lately I have worried that maybe I’m not working hard enough.  I mean, I still have so far to go… a little less than 40lbs.  Closer to 35 I guess!  But still.  Should I be working harder to get the weight off?  I wonder sometimes when I am talking to people if I should… sometimes seems like they think I’m not going fast enough.  And then my own doubts and worries creep in and I wonder if I am doing myself justice losing the way I am.  I mean, I spent part of my 20’s being heavy… Do I want to spend my 30’s that way?  But then there’s that do I want to lose it quickly only to gain it back?  Because that is what I am afraid I would do.  I am a routine person and the routine I’m in now may be slow, but so far it’s working and it’s building up good habits for me.  But do I know enough now that I could be a bit more on my game and lose a bit more?  I do think I need to buckle down a bit since last month was a 1lb. month.  But should I be working harder?  I just don’t know what the answer is.  And my body worries probably don’t help.  I know that there isn’t much I can do about that, either, but it still plagues me.  BAH.  I’m stressing myself out thinking about this when in reality I just need to keep going and ride this out.  It’s been the only thing that has worked so why not keep going?  Even if last month wasn’t great, it was still progress even during a stressful time.  Yup.  Progress not perfection.  Really wish I could remember who it was that said that…

Ok, enough ramblings from me.  I need to at least try to do a few things today and sitting here going on and on isn’t one of them.  Oh and Pepa, I’m not going to Tumblr.  It’s more artsy than bloggy.  LOL

 

One Response to “Coma”

  1. unskinnygirl Says:

    Yay 190!!!! And if your happy losing weight at your pace,then keep
    On going! It doesn’t matter what anyone else
    Does. I think losing slowly definitely makes it easier to keep it off! Just keep going! And 189 is just around the corner!!!!

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