Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

More like it April 12, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 2:09 pm

204.5 today.  Now THAT is more like it.  I knew it would be down some today — I did nothing but PEE all day yesterday!  And I mean PEE!  I felt like I lived on the potty yesterday — not sure why, either.  I drank the same amount of water, etc.  But darn if I didn’t go through an entire roll of paper!  I was almost frustrated just because I was worried I was peeing like that and then the scale wouldn’t be down.  But it’s down.  YAY!  That puts me only 1.5 from my low of 203 last Monday.  My last ‘official’ weigh-in was on the 10th @ 207.5, but the Sunday before that on the 3rd was 204.5.  So, when I do my weigh-in on the 17th, I will be happy as long as I am under 204.5.  That is really what I am shooting for.  I would really like to see 202.  That way at least my average would be about 1lb. per week.

Looking over my food journal and my weight-loss calendar today and getting it more organized.  Between it, here, and my home private journal, they got all jumbled up.  So, I thought today would be a good day to go through them all and make sure I am not getting confused and to keep them clean and neat.  I also went through here and re-organized a few things and may do more later.  I love Spring!  It’s a wonderful time for doing that kind of stuff.  :D  And really, it’s make me feel much better about my loss.  I may not be losing huge amounts, but I am consistently losing at least 1lb. a week.  I am a bit saddened by that, but at the same time, I’m happy.  Sad because I wish it was double that.  Happy because I am no where near starving, I don’t really feel deprived, and the scale is mostly going down!  And now I feel much more calm and put together because I’ve updated my pages, my calendar, and hopefully I can check my journal and food log later.  I’ve been pretty good about staying on top of the food log, so just going to double check it.

I have changed my mind on my closet.  I have decided to go ahead and go through it to take out all the maternity stuff.  Yes, some it is still wearable and cute, but I think I would be better off letting it go.  I have also decided to go through and get out some of the stuff that I love that I want altered.  I spoke with a friend today who had found a great alterations specialist and she isn’t too pricey.  So, anything I love (aka, my denim jacket!) is going to get altered if possible.  And like I said, I’ll remove the tags on altered items so that I will know they’ve been altered.  Especially if in the future I do decide to give them away or whatever.  The maternity stuff is going to be sold.  The hubbs finally got me a new SD card for my camera, so I will be formatting that later and taking pics to sell on eBay.  I will be selling it at a good price, so I hope it goes pretty fast!  Not sure what I will do with all of the baby things.  I may sell them on there or I may do a consignment shop here.  I will just have to wait and see.

All in all, I think I have Spring Fever!  I want to clean, organize, and get projects done.  I want my head and home straight!  And I am making progress, slowly but surely.  Tonight is the hubbs last night on this shift, so hopefully we can get a few things done over his time off.  We will just wait and see.

I think I will go for now and attempt to get some things done.  Not sure what, but something.  :)  Especially since I am feeling in a much better frame of mind!  Toodles!  :D :D :D

 

Hard… and hardly worth it March 31, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 10:50 pm

I am starting to get annoyed.  I am STILL at 205.5!  I just don’t get it.  I’ve been bouncing around 206 to 205 now for 9 friggin’ days!  I’ve gone over and over my food journal, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am doing wrong.  I’ve only gone over 40g. of carbs once and my cals 2 times (not for the diet, but according to the cals to maintain my weight calculator).  One of those was a busy day so I felt like I was ok on the cals.  Because they weren’t crazy over, just a little.  And when we’re doing that much, I sometimes get hungrier.  I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would now that I am reviewing because I am down 5lbs. for the month.  And seeing as how I didn’t crack down until the second week of March, I guess that is pretty good.  I lost 2 in January and 4 in February and then my 5 in March to total my 11lbs.  But dang, 3 months to lose 11lbs. is annoying!!!  I was hoping for closer to 8.  BUT, 5 is good.  5lbs. is no longer on my butt.  11lbs. is gone from my body and hopefully it will pick up.  I am just frustrated because I thought for SURE I would hit 8lbs. this month to make a total of 14.  I know it’s only 3lbs. but geez.  I’ve just been working SO hard it almost feels like it’s hardly worth it!!!

I worry that I may be somewhat depressed and I don’t even know it.  I HAVE been feeling down more than normal, but I think a LARGE part of that is this darn rainy weather.  I don’t do well with being cooped up in the house.  The best I have felt was getting out and shopping and the little bit of weed pulling I got to do over the weekend.  I was REALLY happy to do that and I can’t wait until our grass starts to fill in better!  Our neighbors are already mowing, but I don’t want to until the other grass starts to fill in better.  I am afraid cutting it now would only hurt it.  Anyways, I was talking over being down with a friend and she finally said to me, ‘You know what you need to do?  You need to just suck it up and get over it.  Accept this is what your life is right now and deal.  Because it is what it is and at some point, if you accept that fact you will feel happier.’  BS.  I so friggin’ call B friggin’ S!!!!  I do NOT accept this is how my life is going to be.  I hate this lack of time for myself, lack of time together as a family, lack of time as a couple.  Because if I accept it, that’s like saying it’s ok and I give up changing.  I don’t.

Just typing that makes me feel better!  I love my friend, and I know her intentions were good.  But I refuse to just roll over and keep taking the hits.  I love my kids, I love my husband, and I love myself.  Therefore, I have to make some changes.  These changes won’t happen unless I do them.  I already took one step in getting my oldest signed up for a class.  He has always been terribly afraid of water, so I signed him up for private swim lessons.  Getting him involved in something like that will help his attitude because he will have something to look forward to each week.  I am also thinking of signing him up for one other thing like either an art class, karate, music, or a sport if he wants.  Either way, he needs to get involved in something that he will like and have a focus outside of home until he starts K.  We also need to get our homeschooling schedule back in line.

I have looked into getting a sitter for a set day once every two weeks for literally an entire day.  So, that way, if I have errands to run, want to have lunch with friends, or if the hubby is off and we want to work on projects, we can.  I am also thinking about joining another Mom’s group.  I know I will meet other parents when the oldest starts K, but it would be nice to meet some other Mom’s with younger kids.  Most of the Mom’s I have been meeting are older and done with kids.  We still have a baby and may want another in the future, so I would like to meet more women my age who are in the same part of their life.  The sitter would be like $50 for an entire 8hr. day.  She’s really $5/hr., but I always pay her more because I know she drives here.  And for a whole day, I would probably pay her $60.  That would be closer to $8/hr. and more fair.  Although, she says she doesn’t mind cause my kids are pretty easy in comparison to what she normally deals with!  LOL

So, there ya go.  I am going to be pro-active in doing something.  I am NOT just going to sit here and drown in my own pity because I am frustrated with the way things are with my home-life and with my weight loss.  I am going to DO something.  Again, I know my friend’s intentions were good, but I am NOT just going to sit here and let myself be steamrolled by a situation that I can get up off of my butt and solve.  I think when I start getting things rolling and even if they don’t go exactly the way I want them to, it will still be making progress in the right direction.

I am already feeling much better, calmer, and prepared.  I don’t know how long this will last, but I am going to attempt to ride it out for a bit!  LOL  Now, if only the scale will reflect a change!  OH!  I did have the hubbs look it over and he said that over the weekend he was off, it looked like we ate slightly higher cals and I just realized my fat was WAY high!  Hmmm…. think I may have figured it out!  WOOT!  Going to watch my fat and keep in more in proportion and make the hubbs, too.  He tends to be the one who cooks over the weekends and well, he goes a little crazy in that dept!  So, I hope I have found my issue.  I will watch it over the next few days and see how it goes.  Here is to losing 8… no 10lbs. in April!  :D

 

Frustrated March 30, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 6:47 pm

Yesterday was not a good day for me.  I was totally in a bad mood and just felt like ripping something/someone apart.  I tried not to fully take it out on anyone, but as a result, I internalized everything — which is not good.  At some point, it will become too much for me and I’ll explode.  I just have no other way to deal with things right now.  I get no time to myself, and I feel like I ‘herd’ all day.  The hubbs says he feels the same — except he doesn’t.  He at least goes to work.  It’s a 30min+ drive to work, so he gets at LEAST one hour to himself a day.  Which isn’t to say that dealing with traffic isn’t crap, but I can’t even get 5mins. of bathroom time alone.  URGH.  And yes, I was aware that this is how it would be when I had kids.  I am just in an oh so shitty mood that stems from days of dealing with cranky kids and then a whole day of a cranky husband.  As my one friend said, I used up all my positive mojo trying to counterbalance their hateful shit.  Nail on head.

Then to top things off, while we were working on a project yesterday amidst my annoyance, I glanced over and saw a reflection of myself.  Keep in mind, we have NO full length mirrors in our house.  No particular reason other than the one I wanted was over $100 at the time and well, we didn’t have the moola.  Then we were moving, then we moved, and since, we’ve been remodeling.  So, it just never came up other than me saying I’d like to have one to make sure my outfits match the other day during a conversation with a friend.  I have just gotten use to not seeing my entire body when dressing.  On to my point…. we were installing a new 3/4 lite glass door and well, I saw my reflection.  :O  I looked HORRIBLE!!!!!  :O  HORRIBLE!  :O  How is it that I am at about the same weight I was before and I never thought I looked all that bad (not great, but not horrid) but when I saw my reflection this time, it was like, WHAT???  I look SO much bigger than I did the last time I was at around 205.  :(  That, or I was delusional before.  I’m not sure which.

Needless to say, yesterday was crap.  I did stay on plan, though.  Even feeling crappy.  All I could think was, if I fall outta whack now, all it will do is make me look WORSE!  So, I ate on plan, drank my water and all that jazz.  Although I did forget my vitamins.  I just took them for today, so I won’t forget again.  I’ve gotten bad at not taking them.  Not sure what I can do to help with that, but I need to do something!  I’ve been attempting to double up my multi-vitamin for a couple of weeks, because I’ve just not felt ‘great’.  Mostly due to that annoying, never ending cold I just got over.  I felt like it was just draining me.  I may do that again for a couple of weeks just to get my body built back up.  But not long term.  I just don’t know if that level of vitamins/minerals would be good long term.  I just want to get my stores built back up.  Although I know that some Dr.s’ recommend two multi’s a day.  Just don’t know how my body could deal with that.  They sorta give me an upset stomach as-is!  I am changing mutli’s when these are done (in just a few days) so hopefully that will fix the issue.

My weight is staying the same.  Now, before anyone goes, oh, see!  Low carb DOESN’T work!  Let me tell you this:  As I’ve mentioned before, I am a tracker.  I track not only carbs, but calories, fiber, protein, and fat.  And according to my records, my cals have been low enough to where even if I was watching them and not carbs, I should be losing.  I am assuming because with the high amounts of protein and fat, I am fuller and don’t eat as much.  Even though I am trying to get in my 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.  I don’t always get it, but I try!  My cals were kinda high two days (over 2000), but those were both high activity days, I believe.  So, I am afraid it is the dreaded ‘2nd week stall’.  I know I’ve been doing low carb for a while, but this is only about the second week of my carbs being under 40g.  And I’ve reviewed it from day one and I can see that I’m staying on the right path.  So, just going to ride it out and see what happens next week.

I think I am going to get off of here for now and maybe get dressed.  When the hubby gets done with his test, I am thinking I may sneak out of this house for a few hours to myself.  Not sure what I will do, but I sure do want out of this house for a bit and just have some time to breathe.  I did get out and weed some yesterday, and that made me feel MUCH better.  Something about fresh air and gardening just makes you feel better.  I need to get my seedlings going to I can put out my garden soon.  Trying to decide exactly where to put it this year so that the dogs aren’t getting into it.  My little female will eat ANYTHING.  My friend is doing hers in containers this year and in her flower beds.  I am thinking of doing the same just because I feel like her idea is genius!  Mostly because you can move them wherever they seem to do best and hopefully keep as many pests off as possible!  My pests would be my DOGS!  LOL  And in the flower beds, there would be no access for the dogs.  We will just have to see.

Well, this is long enough so I am going to go read some other blogs.  Not to mention it has taken me ALL day off and on.  But I did get a good 3hr. break this afternoon to go do some shopping.  AND, I got some great stuff.  :D  Really happy to have a few new things to get me through until I fit my old ‘new’ things!  LOL

 

Grumpy March 29, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 11:21 am

Let me warn you with just the title — I am T totally fuckin’ grumpy today.  No need to mince words — I just am.  No, no gain or loss.  Scale said 205.5 but first said 205.  But that’s not why I’m grumpy.  I’m fried and need a break.  Days of grumpy kids and then a grumpy hubby yesterday have just put me in a foul mood.  And I FEEL like I need a break.  I would love to run around the road and have a chat with a friend, but I don’t see that happening.  And NOW, my stomach is starting to hurt.  URGH.  I just want out of this house for a bit.

 

Glooooooommmmmmyyyyyy March 28, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 10:39 am

It’s such a gloomy day out.  :(  Today was suppose to be a nice day, and we have SO much to do!  Our front door is leaking like a bomb and we can’t put in the new tile until the darn thing is fixed.  We had hoped to make it to HD this AM to get the door and maybe the backer board to do the floor, but so far, it’s still so dreary out that I don’t know how we could.  Although, it’s not pouring, just yuck out.  Maybe here in a bit we can still go and the kiddos will cooperate enough to where we can get the door fixed.  I am REALLY sick of the door leaking!  And the sooner we get it fixed, the sooner the foyer will be done.  I also hope to get some work done in the other rooms today, but we will just have to wait and see how it goes.

Got up to 206 again this AM and I am SO swollen!  Not sure what the deal is, but I am achy, swollen, and quite frankly, I LOOK like hell.  Not sure why?  I am still eating well and sticking with my plan and had LOTS of water yesterday and even my vitamins.  But still, my hands are so swollen they don’t look normal.  Not sure what that is all about, but it’s almost funny to watch my hands typing — they look like little sausages!  I can’t help it — it makes me laugh!  But I feel fine… Maybe I had more sodium than what I thought.  That’s probably it.  Eh, not too worried.  Well, unless the scale goes WAY up.  And we all know that the 2nd to 3rd week of ‘dieting’ is always the hardest because your body wants to hold on.  But guess what?  Don’t care and not gonna stress!  So, HA!  This is long term for me, so I am just going to keep going on.  I would like to have a nice drop this week down to 203, but we will just have to see where the week goes.

My last low was 205, but I only saw that one day, so I know hoping to see 203 may be much.  But I am just not going to stress about it.  I know if I just keep going on, I’ll see progress at some point.  And I’m really in no rush really.  I WOULD like to see the 180’s by the end of my challenge, but in the long run, as long as I am moving towards healthy, that is all that matters.

Well, going to go and attempt to get a few things done today.  I also need to eat.  The hubbs is making oopsie shortcakes for breakfast.  Oh so yummy and oh so low in carbs!  Excited to have him home today!  Even though, NOT looking forward to his new schedule.  UGH.

 

Not ready March 27, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 12:36 pm

I decided last night to try pasta.  Not just any pasta, but Dreamfield’s.  I love the stuff and have had it plenty of times before, but now that carbs have been out of my system for a while, I wanted to give them a go to see how they would affect my body.  So, after seeing 205 on the scale yesterday, I saw 206 this AM.  I’m not really upset because the pasta was a nice change (we had yummy caesar salads and meatballs, too) but I think I am just not ready to add that back in weekly.  Maybe monthly, but not weekly.  And believe it or not, I did only have the small 1/2c (cooked) serving.  And could not eat it all!  :D  Although, I counted the full serving because we made mac-n-cheese with it for our oldest and I tasted that.  lol

Anyways, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘gained’, but I do feel like it’s going to be one of those things that sits there.  I know my loss hasn’t stopped because as of yesterday, I’d been down 2lbs. for the week.  But I do feel like it would slow me down if it was a regular part of my diet.  But for now, until my 3mo. challenge is up, I will only be having that maybe once a month as something ‘different’.  But I am glad I tried it or I would’ve been wondering.  I still don’t want to try any breads — even the low carb ones.  I will save all of that for once I have lost some more weight.  Really, that’s probably what I will do with the pasta, too.  I know I said I may have it, but knowing that it may slow me down, I just don’t think I want it right now.  And the truth is, I liked the meatballs more than the pasta!  LOL  And the salad!  I just love a good caesar!  I still don’t know if I spell it right, though!  HA!  Maybe next time the hubbs wants pasta, we can make the meatballs or meat sauce and I will have mine over some veggies instead of pasta.  I’ve tried spaghetti squash before, but it’s not my thing.  But I may try it again.  Or I may try ‘ricing’ cauliflower and eating it over that.  However, think we are going to have to change pasta sauces — the one we use to love now tastes too sweet.  Not sure if they changed or we did!  But a girl recommended pizza sauce saying that they usually try to make that more savory so they use less sugar.  We may do that, or we may go back to making our own.  It’s not hard, so I could do it.

I have 67 days left in my challenge!  Just looked at the calendar and realized that.  It’s amazing how many days I have done already clean and under control.  Maybe I SHOULD just say no to pasta until the 67 days pass.  I mean, 67 days is nothing really.  Just a little over two months.  I don’t think I will lose the 22lbs. I still need to lose by then, but I might.  Who knows?  I am just going to stick it out until then and see how it goes.  Then I will start from there and see where I am.  But I do hope I am close!  12lbs. down as of yesterday, so I’m doing pretty well!

I guess I should go — I need to help the hubbs out with a few things and do some housework.  Especially since the house is fairly quiet today.  I really need to knock out some dreaded laundry.  Laundry is my nemesis!  Sorta like Perry and Dr. Doofensmirtz.  LOL  You know you have kids when you make references to cartoons that relate to your life!  HA! HA! HA!

 

Good morning! March 26, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 10:51 am

Good morning 3FC’ers!  Woke up to 205 this AM.  WOOT!  Happy with that!  Will will give me a loss of 2lbs. this week.  Although, my official weigh-in day is tomorrow, so I guess it could go up or down.  I’d love for it to go down again!  Teehee!  But if it stays the same, I will be happy with that.  Like I’ve said, my goal is 1 to 3, and I WOULD prefer 3, but I will take a solid 2 ANYDAY!

I had a great day yesterday, but man am I feeling it today!  I really wish the rest of this cold would take a hike so that I wouldn’t feel like breathing was a marathon effort!  LOL  But we are having storms in the area, so I sort-of expected it.  The tail end of this cold was here, and then BAM — change in weather.  Drives my sinus’ bonkers!  But it will be ok.  Think I will use the humidifier tonight to help keep it all loose.

Well, not much else to report.  Just going to try to get a few things done today and be as productive as I can.  I had hoped to do some painting, but we will see.  May end up running into town to do a few things, but we will see.

 

Shopping March 25, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 10:18 pm

Ok, I know this is a weight-loss forum, but I had mentioned before about hoping to get into my 14’s and what to do in the meantime.  Well, I went SHOPPING!  No, didn’t buy any clothes!  I have tons of those gorgeous suckers sitting in my closet just waiting for me to get back to my pre-baby lowest weight!  But what I DID do was buy some adorable new sandals and cute bags to help me stretch what I have no until then.  Not to mention, because my shoe size doesn’t change much (although it may change maybe half a size way later) and bags don’t need a size, I will be able to keep my little wardrobe perk-ups!  :D  So, I am feeling REALLY happy tonight!  I do want to try to find some more jewelry pieces and maybe a summer dress or two that I could add in, but other than that, I am good to go!  Although, I’d love a pair of those Roman sandals in GOLD.  Just can’t seem to find the right pair, though.  I’ll keep looking.

Anyways, while out doing the shopping (and lots of walking!) we ended up buying the much needed tile for the foyer!  WOOT!  AND!!!  Are you ready for this????  50% off!  YES!!!  I am SO happy!  I love it and can’t wait to get further on the project and just be DONE.  We are still debating on replacing the front door.  Part of me just wants to leave it alone!  The other part of me wants a partial glass door to let in more light.  But we will see.  I am just so happy to have the darn tile!  Can’t wait to get it down.  :D

And on another good note, I also stayed on-plan.  No idea what my calorie or carb count really was, but I know I ate safe foods.  I am going to attempt to find the info on line, but I may just have to use the ‘average’.  But I just feel better having an idea of what I had instead of just putting nothing.  I think that might as well be one of my goals, because if there was ever something I ate that I didn’t measure, I try to eyeball it and get as close as I can so that every bit is accounted for.  Not only that, but it’s just good portion control!  Hope I’m pretty good at it!  But I had a veggie salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, and small fruit salad.  I split the hubbs diet coke and had water, too.  I just hope no one added any funny stuff to the tuna or chicken salads!  They didn’t TASTE sweet, but you know how that goes.  But this was from one of my fave healthy places, so I’m pretty sure I did ok.

OH.  And I made something evil.  I made…. Butterscotch pie!  It only has about 5g of carbs per slice, and is OH SO YUMMY.  LOVE IT!  I had one piece last night and one piece today for snack.  The fat is really high, but its pretty good on everything else.  And OH SO SIMPLE!  I am thinking I am going to try making it in other flavors, too.  The hubbs said it was one of the best things he’d ever eaten even if it was diet!  LOL

Well, guess I should go and spend some time with the hubby.  And try to figure up my food counts, too!

 

Up

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 9:48 am

I am up and well, not quite ready to go, but I will be soon!  LOL  I weighed in at 206 again this AM, but that’s ok.  I know my food was on track so I know it’s just a matter of time.  And even if I don’t go down again (even if I would like to) I know I’m down 1lb. because I started off the week at 207.  I’d love to lose closer to 3/wk, but I’ll take a nice and steady 1 to 2 over nothing or gaining any day.

Well, going to keep this brief — today is date day with the hubbs and we aren’t sure what we’re doing.  We thought about going to the spa for the day and then lunch and shopping, but now we’re just thinking lunch and shopping!  So, we will just have to see.  Well, better get going!  The sitter will be here in under an hour and I am no where NEAR being ready!  Thankfully I don’t need a lot to get ready this AM since I showered and all that last night.  :D

 

Tired March 24, 2011

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 1:59 pm

I am feeling really tired today.  Another restless night for me!  We fought and fought with the youngest trying to get him to sleep, but he just wouldn’t.  I think it was almost 10 by the time we got him down!  Then by the time we had our usual snack, showers, and quiet time, it was super late and we went on to bed.  That was around 11:30.  That wouldn’t be so bad except I haven’t gotten much sleep the last couple of nights and before that, we’d been trying to go to bed before 11.  10:30 if possible.  Which sounds SO early to me!  Mostly because I am a night owl and use to go to bed on an early night at midnight.  But now with a baby who still gets up at night, I go to bed earlier or suffer for it.  But when my head hit the pillow last night, I just couldn’t seem to get to sleep!  I laid there and tossed and turned with no luck.  Not sure why.  The next thing I know, it’s almost 3AM and the baby is up.  Took him FOREVER to take his bottle!  Once he was laid back down, it felt like it was only another hour or two later when he woke up again.  I didn’t get up then, I let him put himself back to sleep.  But then at 7, he was back up again.  7 is good, so we got on up.  I really like getting up between 7 and 8 now.  ESPECIALLY now that weather is warming up — I want to enjoy as much of the day as possible!

SO, when I weighed in this morning, I was half asleep and had already drunk some water AND a big gulp of my protein shake.  So, I saw 206.  DARN IT!  I had hoped to see 205.  :(  But it’s all good.  I am not going to sweat half a pound.  Especially when I haven’t been sleeping well and I know I could be eating better.  I was off a bit yesterday again.  Not that it was ‘bad’ but, I got busy making my LC cookies and missed snack.  Then dinner was higher in salt than normal.  But eh, it’s ok.  It happens.  Just going to keep plugging right along.  But I have GOT to get more sleep.  I sure wish my little guy would start sleeping through the night.  I’d rather get up earlier than be woken up 2 or 3 times.  I think I was spoiled by my first who slept through the night at a VERY young age AND for a long period of time!  LOL

I do have a little rant.  I just need to get it out of my system because it hurt my feelings and well, I’m going to keep chewing it over and over again if I don’t get it out.  My Mom and I are very close and talk on the phone quite often.  And last night as we were talking, I told her that I was down another pound and I was really pleased with my progress.  She was like, “That’s great!  Have you considered getting the lap band?”  I said, “What?  No.  I’m losing already.  Why would I do that now?”  To which she said, “Well, if you got that, it would be a lot faster.”  My response was, “I don’t want to just lose it fast, Mom.  I want to lose it slow and permanently.  I mean, I’m losing about 2lbs. per week, so I think that’s good!  In just a few months, I’ll be really close to my ultimate goal.”  Again, “But wouldn’t the lap-band be faster?”  I get it.  She wants me to be skinny — if for no other reason than that she is big and wishes she wasn’t.  But I sure do wish she would stop putting her issues on me.  I understand she is my Mom and just wants me to be in a better place than her, but when she says things like that, it doesn’t help me.  It shoots me down and makes me feel like what I am doing isn’t good enough.  Why would you suggest surgery to someone, though, when they are doing so well?  Yes, it took me a while to get here!  I mean, I started in Dec. and up until the beginning of this month I only lost 3.5lbs.  But now in just the last couple of weeks, I have lost 7.5lbs. for a total of 11.  I had JUST told her how I was feeling good about my changes and BAM.  A slap to the face.

Needless to say, my hubby was not happy.  He heard this and said he felt like yelling to her that she should go do it for herself before she suggested it to anyone else.  Seeing as how my Mom thinks the hubbs is a Saint — I sorta wish he had.  I just don’t think she gets it the way she should.  She says she is happy for me to be losing, but then she says that.  I just don’t get it.  Why not just celebrate what I am doing now and that I am feeling good instead of saying it should be ‘faster’.  I would love to have some ‘big’ weeks, but I in no way want huge leaps.  It just won’t be good for me.  Biggest Loser is a prime example of how people go on there, lose a ton of weight in just a couple of months, and then gain it back!  I love that show, but it just isn’t very realistic.  You just don’t get in the RIGHT habits on there.  You lose, you lose eating good, but the amount of exercise and the lifestyle there isn’t real.  They aren’t living their real lives, dealing with day to day things, and they are working out for hours a day which most people just cannot do.  So for me, I’d rather be losing due to healthy choices and normal life than to just do something drastic to ‘get’er done’.  I want this to last.  I want this to be real.  And the only way that can happen is if I MAKE IT THAT WAY.  No surgeries, no crazy diets, no magic pills, no temporary fix.  Slow, steady and long lasting is my goal.

Now, don’t anyone think I am bashing the surgeries — I have a few close friends who have had it.  And trust me, it’s not easy.  But they had much different issues than I did and much more weight to lose.  And for THEM, surgery WAS the best choice.  But it isn’t for me.  For me, I just have to keep my food on track and I know that eventually I will reach the next station.  For me, I know that no low calorie diet or magic pil or herbal oil will magically just take the weight off.  For me, it’s whole natural foods as much as I can, regular exercise, a regular routine, and just sticking with it.  I know I can do it.  I just wish my Mom knew it, too.

This is all for now — long enough, eh?  Off to do some much needed work around here.

 

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