I hate always saying it will be different and then nothing changes. Failing over and over again is so depressing. I wish that when I was a kid my parents wouldn’t have let me get fat. I know it couldn’t have been helped. I know there was a divorce, and when that happened there was a lot of stuff that came with it. Also when I got old enough to know obesity was unhealthy I should have handled it promptly and taken charge. I am so frustrated; and though today is a new day and a new beginning it just seems like it will be another failure.

I already had flaws in my day. I tracked my points today and did well until dinner where I didn’t think that cheese in my tacos would be a terrible thing. But I haven’t tracked points for a while and cheese that isn’t low in fat isn’t going to help me at all… I just didn’t want to buy the more expensive cheese. Also I forgot it was Labor day and drove all the way to the gym with anticipation of starting my new plan. It was closed.

I can’t make any promises, I just can’t. I feel that sets me up for failure. I hate being overweight and feeling so far away from what I want and knowing how long it will realistically take. Losing 50lbs was great but I shouldn’t have stopped and shouldn’t have gotten careless. I kept it mostly off for a year but now its pretty much like I only lost 40lbs and I feel like maybe I just can’t get it off now.

That picture is supposed to represent me feeling in control of myself, well at least I feel really in control and positive towards my eating habits right now. Also, now that J.J. has a job again, and he will be working full time, I will be alone a lot and so if I do not go to the gym I will be really pissed at myself. If I do not start going to the gym later this week it will be Monday for sure. I am still coughing up a lot of stuff and still having some trouble breathing while getting over my sickness.

I know it is only the second day, so knock on wood and all that jazz, but I just feel like maybe I can do it this time… you know like I was before. Biggest Loser was on tonight and that is pretty much the only show I watch religiously. I LOVE it. I know a lot of people like it, and a lot of people hate it, but almost every time I watch it I end up on the verge of tears. Tonight was no different. I just want to know what it would feel like to be at a normal weight for once.

Anyway I just wanted to post and say so far so good. Also I joined Eileen’s challenge! All these months I have still been reading about it even without posting blogs. It is nice to be a part of all this support again. It feels very refreshing!

Okay… for those of you familiar with my blog you may notice I changed the title from “Jessica’s Journey with Weight Watchers” to “Jessica’s Journey to Healthiness”. This is because I have not gone to a WW meeting since I last told you about it. I cannot really afford the expense right now, and since I was not even really going, it does not make sense for me to pay. I will use my knowledge and continue with points tracking for this new plan of mine ultimately until graduation. Then I will decide whether or not to continue with WW or to do calorie counting. I may join WW again when I get a little closer to my ultimate goal for the support. Though the gals on this web-site are certainly fantastic support.

So I had been somewhat struggling with my weight until just recently when I got really really sick; a combination of the flu (not swine flu), bronchitis, and pneumonia in my left lung. After a month of wheezing at night (I honestly did not feel sick, sick until just over a week ago) and then a weekend in which I could not breath, felt like I was drowning, I went to the health center on campus and had to do a series of tests including: chest x-rays, blood test, and pulmonary test. After a week of feeling like I was dead and a pack of antibiotics I feel a lot better. I still have some gunk in my lungs, but with that week of sickness came a blessed surprise of weight loss back down to almost my lowest.

For a long time there my weight crept back up to right around 240. Now it is back to 234, and for some reason I feel like the loss of 6lbs makes it a little less daunting and a little more realistic. Short term I am planning on really trying my best with my WW points until graduation. I just started week 6 today in the quarter, and there are 10 weeks, followed by a week of finals. My graduation is the Friday of finals week. So including this week, I am planning on sticking really strongly to eating within my points and working in exercise for the next 6 weeks.

Ultimately I want to be working out at the gym 5 days a week; 45 minutes on the elliptical and then some combination of abs and weights for at least a half an hour. I would really like some tips on the exercises I should do for my abs and what kind of weight lifting I should do. If you use the machines what ones should I try and what other exercises should I be doing? I am completely lost when it comes to a plan that is not cardio. Help.

Alright, for a reward I am going to get a haircut. I also am going to find a book I want or possibly a series. I really LOVED Twilight. I know… I hate that I love it so much, but it is probably a girl thing. Honestly I started reading it because I am from Port Angeles, WA which is right by Forks; I became addicted though and had to buy the next book as soon as I finished one. After I finished all of them I was so bored and sad with no Twilight haha. I looked up suggestions online and ended up buying the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris. Part of the reason I chose this series is because there is now a show on HBO called True Blood that is based on the books, and this show happens to be by the same people who did Six Feet Under which is one of my favorite shows of all time. Truly, the series changed my life haha. My friend and I watched the whole series a couple summers ago and gosh, I just love them is all I can say.

So I am using my starting weight as 234, because that is what I weighed in at with clothes at the doctors last week. Friday will be my official weigh-in day. I do not know how much weight I can lose in these next 6 weeks, but I am excited at the possibilities. After 6 weeks I will re-access and figure out where to go from here.

So, this quarter of school has been my hardest yet and obviously that is no excuse, but my weight pretty much stalled during the last quarter I would say. I have not gone to WW for 3 weeks now, and even then I was only going to weigh in and hoping I hadn’t gained weight. Well according to WW I have only gained like two pounds, but I just want to be at my lowest again.

I weighed myself after my workout today with sweaty clothes and also wearing shoes, and I weighed close just over 239lbs. I need to get back down to my lowest and keep losing. This week I am getting back into exercising and thinking about tracking. The past two days I have done a half hour on the elliptical. I wish it was more but it wasn’t.

I also tried out my heart rate monitor that my dad got me. I like it but I can’t figure out how to get it to show my calories burned. It says 0 even after my workout. Also I don’t know if there is like a glitch with the one on the actual elliptical machine… My heart rate shows up the entire time on the machine but is that one accurate? is it reporting from the belt thing I wear? The heart rate on the watch is hardly ever the same as the one on the machine. Since the watch did not report my calories burned even though it is supposed to I just looked at it on the elliptical. Err I am a little frustrated but maybe I will figure it out.

Anyway I am going to go try and find a recipe in one of my healthy cookbooks and cook dinner for J.J. I usually don’t, we even usually eat separate dinners, but I have been bored on my spring break while he is at work and so I am going to try to make something edible. I hope you all are doing well. Sorry for not posting more, I just… I don’t like to tell you guys about the bad gains, only the losses, I feel like a failure you know.

Talk to you all soon.

I don’t really have time to write a post right now, but I will at least show you my chart. Hope you all are doing well. I can’t wait to get to my next goal!!! My next mini-goal is 214lbs for personal reasons and then obviously 199 is my next big goal.

My Weight Chart:

Well I am happy to say I am still tracking my eating. This next Tuesday weigh in will really be the defining measure of how well I did on eating and if the points are what really work for me. I do need to start exercising again. I am just sooooo tired all the time with freaking school and now my internship.

Last night I was up until 1:30am or so working on homework that was due (or that I thought was due) this morning. Well I get to my 9am class and it turns out that it is not due until next friday. Lame. I know it is my fault but crap. Now I am going to have to pinch myself to stay awake at my internship training in about an hour here. Oh well at least it is FRIDAY!!

I am hoping for a relaxing weekend. I want to take the dogs to the school with J.J. and also go for walks with them. I feel so bad, their lives are all turned upside down right now with my school schedule and J.J.’s work schedule. They are home alone a lot. Poor babies…

Well everybody have a good weekend!

So I haven’t really been journaling my WW points for a while. In the beginning when I started I was so good at it! I am trying to do that again. I want my weight to start shedding quickly like it was before. I am also going to try and get into the gym again… I am paying for a membership after all…

Yesterday was my first day of counting points and journaling again. It was hard not to just eat. Now that I have been snacking and eating a lot more, I noticed that I was hungrier than I used to be. 30 points was plenty for me before and it should be now.

Well I just wanted to check in on my second day of point counting. Going for another perfect day Well I have some serious reading to do for my linguistics class. Hope you all are doing well.

Hey all. I have been keeping up with your blogs just so you know, but I have also been busy and semi off plan. I have continued to slowly lose though. At last weigh in I had lost a total of 46lbs. I did not get quite to my goal of losing 50lbs, but I am trying to tell myself that 46lbs is still a lot of weight.

Anyway, I do not really do resolutions, but the significance of a new year is a pretty refreshing feeling. I have big hopes of getting back into the gym, and being completely conscious of what I am putting in my mouth. I have been going for nightly walks with the dogs and J.J. pretty much every night since we got back from the holidays. I also started back at school today so I have been and will be walking around campus a lot; I even walked home from the bus station instead of waiting 20 minutes for the next bus that would be driving by my house. I was a little proud of myself haha

On a different note, I am really struggling with my anxiety lately. I have been taking Paxil for nearly 6 years now, and not a little bit, 50mg of it every night (obviously I started with a much smaller dosage, but alas my dosage was raised several times). I wouldn’t say it is necessarily bad, the level of anxiety I am feeling right now, it is just simply there, and I know it is there, and it really affects my mode and my daily activities. It is not like I am having panic attacks anymore like I was early on before I learned how to control some of the triggers and symptoms of my anxiety, but I am frustrated beyond belief. I have so many questions…

Why on earth did my anxiety decide to poke its ugly face in my life again? It happened on the eve of the Christmas Eve. Honestly (oh and this is a little vulgar) I do not think I have had a solid bowl movement since then, but some days are better than others. Why is my Paxil not helping me? Or is it? I was fine. I was even going down on my prescription thinking I didn’t need it anymore because I was so stable and in such a good place in my life. I didn’t get down very far on my prescription, I slowly dropped it by just over 3mg about every month for 2 months. When I started feeling anxious I went back up to the full 50mg. I just want it to freaking go away again!!! I am going to graduate in the spring and I need to be myself. I don’t feel like myself right now.

Well I have another class to get to so I will either blog more tonight or later this week. I have a weigh in tomorrow… first one after Christmas. Wish me luck

Hey Sisters!

I know it has been a long time since I have blogged, but it has just been really hard getting adjusted to this quarter’s class schedule. I haven’t stopped my journey with my weight loss though, so don’t worry. I did not attend the weigh in after my last blog because it was a gain and I had my TOM and just did not feel like going and paying $14 to find out I had gained again… a week after my 5lb loss.

Tuesday I went in and weighed in at 242 exactly. Down another 4.2lbs and had reached a loss of 40lbs!! 40.4 to be exact. I will start to acknowledge my weight loss now. 40 seems like a significant enough number. The only thing I keep thinking in the back of my head is that I have weighed this weight and even less before, the last time I tried seriously to lose weight.

The summer before my senior year of high school (graduated in ‘03) I did a pretty crazy crash diet of strictly 1,000 calories a day or less. During this time I rode 6+ miles a day on a stationary bike, did a billy banks tae bo video, and also did a couple mile walk at night at the high school track. I lost a lot of weight and got sick. I would wake up dizzy and not able to stand in the shower. It was awful.

I then became consumed with school work and my senior year and was just always stressed and anxious and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and started seeing a counselor. This made me lose even more weight because now, instead of eating when I was stressed, for some reason I couldn’t eat when I was stressed. I constantly felt like I was going to vomit and mostly refused to eat. I started getting better and went away to my freshmen year of college (Washington state to Michigan at MSU).

Here I began to have panic attacks after first semester and got really sick. I think the lowest weight I remember getting to was 214 but I can’t be sure. I wish I had my medical records. I know I was really unhappy and didn’t eat and all but why didn’t I start from there? I wasn’t emotionally stable enough obviously but gah!!!! It frustrates me now. I even get scared that what if 40 is all I can lose? That is a lot of weight you know? two bags of cat food as my WW leader put it. What if I can’t get out of the 240’s? Sorry I am ranting

So I see you all are thinking of goals for New Years. As most of you know, my goal is to have lost 50lbs by Christmas. According to my calculations (wow that sounded like my psych stats professor) I have been losing 1.8lbs per week on average. According to this I can lose 14.4lbs by Christmas. A couple things though, I will be going home for a couple weeks during the holiday season. I have decided to eat a normal Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner, but not go crazy. Also there might not be as much exercise then (not that I have been doing much lately… I know I am disgusting… grr) because I won’t be around my gym and such. I will just take my dogs for walks on the water front trail in Washington! Okkkk…. back to the goal. I am going to make my Christmas goal to have lost 50lbs. I am going to make my New Years goal to have lost 55lbs. I have thought about making it more but I just can’t see that happening. I have also decided that if I get to a 50lb loss by New Years I will be happy and not upset that it isn’t my 55lb goal.

Well I think that is enough for everyone to read. Hope you guys have a pleasant rest of the week.

Hey guys!! Sorry I haven’t blogged for so long, but school and such have taken over. Also my best friend just moved in this weekend. She is now living in J.J.’s and my upstairs. It is kinda weird but I am really happy she is in Oregon. We are both from Washington and we have been best friends since 6th grade.

Alright so last week I didn’t even want to go to my weigh in because I knew I had gained. Well I went and took it. A two pound gain. I left my meeting. I didn’t even want to sit there. Well I came back in today with a 5.6lbs loss! That is the most I have ever lost in one week, granted I had gained 2lbs the week before. Anyway though I am really really happy and into the 240’s now. Now if my weight spikes it will probably only be around 252. I like this. I have now lost 36.2lbs and can almost taste a 40lb loss. I still am hoping to get to my 50lb loss by Christmas. I think this is doable. 13.8lbs more to go.

Alright girls I am off to do some homework. I have been reading all your blogs even though I haven’t been posting my own and I am proud of all of you.