…a weight-loss journey

Have you ever seen yourself in a picture and think, that’s can’t possibly be me!  Who’s the fat chick?

Last night, after being out for the second time in a week, I realized the fat chick was me.  Standing next to these skinny girls, I felt myself getting ashamed of who I was.  Then, I starting doing the “it’s not fair” rationalizing: it’s not fair that these girls get to drink whatever they want and still look that hot.  It’s not fair that I ate 15 chips and salsa and I look like me and they look like them.  I know it’s me being unhappy with me.  Of who was staring back at me in those photos.  And it’s not because it’s not okay to be this size.  It’s because I am extremely unhappy at this size.  And, instead of eating right or exercising each time this happens, I lament and sulk more over a bag of ships.  My heartburn is back in full force.  I can’t fit into my clothes.  It hurts to walk again.

I haven’t been on a scale in over 2 months.  My clothes barely fit.  In fact, I bought fat clothes this weekend on JC Penney.com because I own two pairs of pants, two pairs of jeans and barely 3 shirts that fit me correctly.  I am so ashamed to be buying the size clothes only ONE size under where I was at my heaviest (though I think the scale will give me that top 260 pound scare when I get on it).

I literally cried myself to sleep.

I woke up this morning and read Dr. Ian’s book.  It’s been sitting on our table or in a drawer for 65 days now (I checked to see when I ordered it).  And I read it out loud to Nicole.  We have no energy because we’re not eating right or exercising.  And we’re not doing the right things because we have no energy.  Vicious cycle.

So, I am writing this, finishing my paper and by 3p, we are going to the gym.  Then, we’re heading to the grocery store.  But first, we’re cleaning out the house of crap.  The first 8 days seem very restrictive but they are doable.  And we can eat a lot of fruit which is good.  Nicole is in it with me which will be helpful.

I will hate the cruise pictures if I go on it at this size.  I don’t want to have bad memories because I was unhappy with being so big.  I want to have good memories and look at the pics and remember how much fun it was.  I want to be able to sit comfortably on a plane again.  I don’t want to have my own metro seat because people take one look at me and would rather stand than sit next to the fat chick.  I am ready again.

I am actually long overdue.

I just need to try to balance school, work and exercise.  And hopefully, Nicole will be a partner with me and do some of the cooking so we’re not sans good food choices.

We’re starting today.  No more excuses.  I can’t afford anymore.

ETA: We went and played tennis for 1.5 hours, went to the store and did the veggie thing and are filling u on the water.  I am going to go prep for tomorrow.  Not a long tern solution but we’ll get back into it this way.  It’s easier to have someone to work with here.  There was a it of a “fight” earlier when she was making excuses but we worked through it, got off our asses and are now sore but feel good.