Finally Fat…a journey through the great broccoli recession.

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I feel meh. July 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 11:35 am

I feel so meh. I still haven’t gotten to the gym. The amount of self loathing I am currently going through is immense. I feel like an emotional ball of sadness.

My clothes are fitting tight again. I feel as though I gained back more than I lost.

I just feel sad.

 

Hello wagon…missing someone? July 26, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 1:32 pm

Yes-I have fallen off the wagon. I feel 100 kinds of awful. There’s really no huge reason why I stopped-and perhaps that is a simplistic design to my own self destruction.

I am quite certain I gained back all of the pounds I had lost. And of course the added guilt I think has to weigh something too. I feel awful. I thought I was pregnant. I was so happy-but as it turns out-I am not. I think I cannot have children now. And that pile of sadness never goes away.

So my mind wants to refocus on something negative, you know, the more the merrier? So I am in despair over poverty. I am pretty used to it, but of couse after a negative test, I want to focus on more anger and more pain-so why not pick finances?

All that being said, I have so much more pain inside but I am not going to let it out right now. Maybe in the next couple of days I can refocus and get back to the gym-I’m sure that will improve my mood. Though it’s not the easiest thing to get back on the horse once jumping off mid trot.

Sad pandas all around. 

 

Vicar…it’s been three days since my last confession… July 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 8:23 am

It feels like that when I HAVEN’T been to the gym. As it turns out-by the time company ended, I was exhausted. I did a lot of emotional confronting and am still going through it. Years of repression are coming through and it’s very overwhelming. I feel nervous and anxious. I feel like I need to lay down and cry. But there’s no time for that-so I’ll have to carry these thoughts until I can purge them in a healthy way.

It’s really no excuse. But on the flip side, I avoided French fries yesterday (opted a salad in there…take that sammiches!) and didn’t really gorge my brains out. Today, I also have eaten sensibly. So there is that.

Today it’s game day again. So it will be sometime after that when I can even think of the gym. That is, unless I can grab a few minutes prior to the game. I might try for it.

I feel like as I work out or continue to try to work out, I am unraveling all of my emotional baggage. And let me say, there is quite a lot of junk in those trunks. I tried reconnecting with a sibling that I have never really known and that hasn’t gone so well. In that, he doesn’t seem to want any connection with me-and I won’t like-it hurts. When people close the door on me, it makes my heart drop, and makes me not want to care about myself. I keep saying the inner mantra that I WILL hit 249 and will upgrade my car as my treat. Sometimes I feel like my car is a representation of my inner self. You know, it’s older and reliable-but lots of wear and tear. The leather seats are starting to come undone, the carpet needs replacing, the engine leaks, dings and scratches here and there, and the tint is coming undone.

Actually, that will be my new plan. All weight goals will be thrown aside and I will make all of my new goals to repair my car. I treasure it and as such, should take care of it-just like my body.

So with shaky legs, I continue my trek.

 

 

Le sigh…le sigh. July 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 8:43 am

I had a weekend of just what I needed. It was up-down time. :) I’ll back up just for consistency.

On Friday, I went and worked out at the gym for about 30 minutes or so. Instead of doing 20 minutes on the treadmill-I hit the elliptical machine. ZOMG. Can I say how insane it was to just be on that thing for more than five minutes and not die? It was rough tough stuff. I never sweated so much. I did about a mile and a half and hit around 200 calories burned. I weighed 250.

So this weekend, concern for my eating habits was out the window. AKA-I was on vacation. I went camping with family and had an amazing time. I rowed in the canoe and did some paddleboat time. I also swam a bit. The pure heat made me a winner of sweatfest (not a real event mind you…XD ). So I didn’t go to the gym, but I was very active. This morning I feel sluggish and am nursing a hella sunburn. My plan is to clean up my house and then go to the gym tonight.

I was so exhausted yesterday when we returned-I just napped. It was a freeing experience altogether and I felt like the long talks and lack of being plugged in really did something for my soul.

My dad is coming into town tonight and I have offered my place. I think I am ready to confront him for just…everything. I am at a point where I need to say it to him-all of the emotional upheaval he caused. And he needs to hear it.

Some of the scars run deep and I get to keep going because I don’t actively think about them. But part of this determination to lose weight stems from a determination to lose the emotional weight that started the need to drop pounds.

I want to work really hard this week because I want to see 249!!!

 

 

Back on track…well, as far as weightloss goes. July 7, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 9:25 am

And today the good news is that I was back at 250. I went to the gym daily and really spent a lot of time burning out frustration. I am at 4.5% incline now at the same pace-and it’s doable. I guess I don’t know how hard to push myself at times. That balance of “stop of I’ll hurt myself” and “don’t really need to work out that much, now do I?” is always a difficult tango.

And as far as weight loss goes, I feel positive. Now the rest of my life is another story. I am so frustrated with the feelings that I will never be able to overcome. I guess that’s not quite what I mean…I am burnt out at trying to overcome. I am tired of the continual stress. And I hate feeling like a crybaby about it all. I know in my mind that my life is probably better than at least 10-20% of people out there in the sense that I have shelter and food and clothing. That I can afford to have electricity…etc. I don’t want to be a complainer. I’ve just worked so long and so hard that I think it has caught up with me. I want the opportunity to do nothing…to get bored….to not have so many responsibilities. But there are no time outs in life that I know of and so I will go on with the continual busy schedules and demands. Today, I will so ok to the stress and move on with life.

The icing on the carrot is that I am getting sick to boot. I think it’s my body’s way of saying “slow down”. Barnacles. The “If Onlys” are infinite thoughts in my head. I’ll push through them…I’ll push through the sickness and push through the stress. Because at the other side of all of that, is a family I love…it’s friendships I treasure…and it’s peace that life isn’t so bad.

Much love for bloggers out there. I think my exercising has helped me unload all of this unhealthy business-but the cure is far off at the moment. One pound at a time…

 

 

I stuck to my word? Whaaaaaat? July 6, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 1:44 pm

So yes, I went to the gym at….*drumroll please*….midnight. I was exhausted, but my mind and body both demanded I honor my promise.

I hit the gym hard and did a solid 40 minutes I would say of exercising goodness. Yes, I weighed 252 last night, but I confronted it as best as I could.

It’s been a hard week and really a hard month, but life isn’t about peaches and rainbows. It’s about the journey.

My plans are to make some tasty dinner, go grocery shopping, and hit the gym. I worked really hard all day mentally, so my body I think could benefit from some good old fashion exercise. Alas, there is always something to do…someone to call….someone that needs something. The hardest part about losing weight is putting myself on that totem pole of priorities. I need to breathe more…taste the air…feel the breeze. I spent a good part of last night just venting all of the accumulated puss of disappointment, guilt, and frustration. And perhaps with that purging of darkness, I am able to allow this sunny disposition. :)

Whatever I do or do not get done, one this is for certain, I am gonna sleep really well tonight. Much love bloggers.

 

Which came first? The depressed egg or the obese chicken? July 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 10:25 am

I am feeling a bit sad. But instead of feeling sad, I have decided to get angry at no reason. Damn you fat pounds.

My internet has been out and thus the lack of online community time. :/ So for Friday, I went to the gym twice and I felt really good at the end of the day. Saturday, I did not go to the gym, but instead, worked out of my garage for a solid two hours. I sweated much-though I am sure I didn’t do like great excercising-the activity is what I was aiming for overall. Sunday, I painted a room, which again was about a two hour long sweat fest. I also went to the gym. Monday, I didn’t get to the gym. It was hectic with it being July 4th and all. I did clean up my house, so at least a few calories were spared.

My eating was meh this weekend. Now as of I think it was Sunday, I was 250-251. Now I really doubt I would be the same.  I need to get injections of broccoli please! I ended up spending the night with my sister and thus it was a late start overall. I got stung by a scorpion-which was wonderful. I thought I would get some gym time in, but alas, life doesn’t exactly want you to make lemonade when it hands you lemons. You know, because you have to get water and sugar and a pitcher and probably a spoon too…. I litreally ate a whole chocolate bar in one sitting. My sister’s husband is one fabulous cook, so I took a temporary trip to junk land. So there is this guilt about being fat and overall sadness which I am smacking upside the head at the moment…I am in total refusal to be sad.

So yes, I will be going to the gym tonight. And yes, I will forgive myself the complete shame of being a human being. I think the important thing I need to focus on today, and maybe all of us do on our days when well, we fail to meet our own expectation: to have faith. I understand that I am an emotional creature and hell, even an emotional eater (though I think I eat out of boredom mostly). So no judgements or anger of myself, just dedication to keep a truckin.

I am not obese or depressed. I’m just having a rough day. So today, future self, give my current self some slack. I’m trying.  

 

Just call me one of the eight dwarfs…because while there were originally eight, crazy dwarf didn’t stick around for the filming. June 30, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 1:23 pm

Today has been one of those days that has been so long and arduous that I can scarcely remember that yes, I actually did work out this morning. It feels like remembering a few moments of peace before lightening strikes.

I didn’t weigh in today because I had just taken a shower prior to the work out and didn’t want to get bummed by water weight….or wait, is that a myth? I don’t know. Either way, I avoided the scale. The eating hasn’t been too bad today, but last night was not a major winning moment for myself. I keep feeling that I should be going more or working out more, that the weight loss is not fast enough. That my body is not changing the way I want to-and it’s times like those that I have to give myself a mental slap. Because the change is slow and no matter what I do-to drop the fitness or continue, my body will continue to take a slow progression-either upward or downward on the scale. At any rate, so I am not feeling amazing about working out, but a lot of that is from the high stress level.

Bills, illness, work, relationship, and family circles are all fluttering with need and demand. I am too wore out and I think if I had a moment to stop what I was doing and take time for myself, I might cry. It’s the overall tension in my heart and my inability to slow down just yet. But I see a silver lining, and that lining is called a three day weekend my friends. My home and laundry are clean and I am reserving some special one on one time with my love before kicking family time back into gear. I need it majorly.

Much love to all of you ladies and gents out there giving it your all and pushing yourself to the extreme. We are one in our wish to regain confidence in our spirit, our body, and our hearts.

 

So far, so good. June 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 2:48 pm

I just got another work out done and weighed in at 251. For midday, I think that’s decent. It was challenging, but I think I have become really comfortable with the twenty-thirty minute routine. It feels nice to say that it doesn’t bother me to get my time in each day. Actually, when I think about it, every work out DOES feel like I am saying that…I matter.

I keep trying on that jacket and it doesn’t feel like it fits any better. It gets a little discouraging, but then I reassess the rest of the wardrobe and don’t feel so bad.

I was thinking that the last time I tried to lose weight, I had lost about 20 pounds. In my mind, it was just last year. But actually, it was two years ago. So by that calculation, I actually have been this weight or more for two years. How does time fly when it feels like just yesterday I was under 200. That’s the problem with being overweight. It just keeps on year after year and gets progressively worst, or at least, not better.

The hard time I have is after I achieve like 20 pounds of weight loss, I feel so far away from the weight I want to achieve. I hope that since I am aware of where I failed last time or at least gave up, it won’t happen again.

Well that is all for now. My body is feeling good with the current burn. I can’t wait for the 10 pound mark. I am closer than where I was a month ago. I have this event in September and hope I am at least down a little more before then. We shall see blogland peeps! :)

 

And with thine eyes I look upon thy thinner self and thinketh…thy body be a rockin. June 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennasis @ 6:18 am

Today I saw something I haven’t seen in over a year. No, it’s not that pair of earrings that went missing or a matching sock to my ultimate fuzzy sock collection or even a really great movie. ;)

Today, I weighed in at 250 lbs. Um…can I say excited? Yes. I think I can today. Excited!!!! Now, I won’t get all too fancy with my thinking and all that, but still, the day that starts off with an lb drop is a day of rejoicing. My first weight loss reward goal is at 249-so I am almost there. I decided that instead of trying to find the 100 dollar item for my car, I will cover the visor instead. It’s a little 2-5 dollar fix and yet it will fix something that I do not like all that much.

I already hit the gym this morning and did as promised yesterday with my evening gym routine. On June 3, 2011 I will hit my 30 day mark as far as daily working out goes. I’m not seeing big differences, which is the easiest way to get myself down. I’m not running at this point, which I would typically be pushing for on my historic weight loss attempts. Mainly, I am making changes that I can keep in my daily life, and that feels good.

I wish I had more time to lament in my happy feelings, but unfortunately today is a busy one for me. Not only do I have a big work day, but there’s also a game, and my sister and her children are coming over, so I have to get some cleaning done today.

Ah life! You never stop! I really am focused in seeing my thinner self. And I am seeing her in the context of my life. As in, it’s totally possible.

I worry that I’ll get tired of working out or eating better and all that. It’s the black cloud in my otherwise blue sky-and I’ve chosen not to think too much on it. My brain is so active that it is simultaneously running in the background either scenarios of past, future, or fantasy. The now is where I need to live. Though I do wish the now wasn’t making me so sleepy. Too many yawns already.

Right now is the scary part, when changes actually happen-there is a fear of letting go of myself. Now the rational portion of my brain knows that ultimately, I am still the same person-that I am abandoning the portions of me that are unhealthy. If I can continue to view this overweight/obese condition as a symptom of my inner mind and emotional health, I think that sort of context will help me to continue to remain focused. So I will continue this path, and hope with all of my inner little might, that I hit 249 before the week is over.

Later peeps!

 

 

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