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Archive for Emotional Tangents

Monday & Tuesday

For my nonsensical ramblings? I am having a MISERABLE TOM. Bad bloating and tummy hurtiness. It’s not cool. What good things are going on? Well, my cock eye doctor is being less of a cock this week, and actually wrote me a presctiption for contacts. This is most good. Also, uh… positive things… right, there are so few of them… I went to the gym yesterday… But not today. My diet has been worse this week than last week.

So what the fuck else. Oh yeah, so officially every single member of my immediate family has made comments as to my weight gain in the past couple of weeks. And I see now that this is the worst time for me to hear things like that. I realize how hard I’ve been trying just to make myself feel OKAY again, much less good. When it comes to being on plan, I’m really hard on myself. But lately I just haven’t been determined enough, I’ve been scraping by, grasping at straws to keep myself on board. Maybe you guys can see that in my posts. Maybe it sounds like I’m a lot more successful than I really have been. That’s probably because I’ve been talking myself up. But in truth, every word I type on this blog is really just another bit of wool I’m trying to pull down in front of my eyes. I’m trying to make things hurt less. I haven’t forgotten what started me on this journey in the first place, and that was something my mom said on the way home from school once. I remember that conversation perfectly. People say that if you don’t lose weight for YOU, then the motivation isn’t strong enough, but I don’t know. The reason I suddenly started dieting in September 2010 was because I was sick of being hurt by everyone’s fucking comments, and now it’s happening again, but you know what really fucking disgusts me? The fact that I’m 170-something pounds. It’s not like I’m 234, it’s not like I’m even 200. I’M NOT EVEN OVER 1 FUCKING 80. And everywhere I turn people are telling me I look fat, or I’m putting weight back on, or I’m fucking failing somehow. Which is awesome. I ran a goddamn mile last night, worked out for an hour and a half, and then today my grandma has to point out that my fat roll is too fucking obvious. Like it’s so insulting to her. And here is what I really, really, REALLY love. Every person in my family is overweight. Not even a LITTLE overweight. I’m getting criticized by people upwards of 280lbs, and you know what? It’s not okay anymore. I’M NOT OKAY. Is it not enough for me to admit that I’m relapsing? Is it not enough that I took responsibility for that relapse? Is it not enough that I’m striving to get back to a somewhat healthy routine? It’s not like I DON’T want to be on plan, it’s just really hard to be that determined all the time when realistically, I’m concerned with other freaking things. I’m on winter break, I want to have a little fun, I want to rest, I want to be productive, but it doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m tired of acting like these snide little “jokes”, these comments they make in jest, in passing, in good humor, WHATEVER, I’m tired of acting like they don’t get to me. They do. And instead of making me motivated, it’s throwing me off. I’m feeling seriously hopeless. Fucking hopeless. Like I’m just not good enough for them, like I have to watch my every move, be everyone’s idol, be the perfect role model, be a certain size. I don’t even care if they say it out of concern, I honestly would rather them just shut their damn mouths and let me figure this out on my own.

So there’s my therapy bullshit for today.

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The worst has not yet come to pass

I’m going all Lord of the Rings on your asses.

But really. Monday is going to be the worst of it, I think. Once I get through today I will only have one exam left. Of course, my entire logic grade is depending on that exam, but somehow I feel better prepared to handle it then my Monday exam. Maybe that’s because my exam on Monday is another god dang essay, and I am so burnt out on essays that I don’t think I can do it. I just can’t stomach it. It’s funny because my last and biggest essay was on A Clockwork Orange, the best book ever written in the history of forever, and I feel a lot like Alex: every time I think of an essay I get physically sick. I’m conditioned against them and I’d rather lay on my back and lick a boot than write another muthafluffin essay. Just because I’m an English major doesn’t mean I’m willing to spend the rest of my life writing research papers. Tell me how many of you have written a research paper since you’ve been out of school?

Anyways, I think I’m stalling. In a lot of different ways. I don’t want to blame this on excuses, say it was school stress, this, that, or the other. Because I know the problem is me, and I’m just getting lazy. No other way around that. I’m eating like crap, and I’m not moving a muscle I don’t have to, sleeping too much, not taking responsibility for myself, and the fact of the matter is, it’s terrifying. I’m so preoccupid with having instantly satisfying fun that I’m not at all bothered by the fact that in the past month I have somehow managed to put on ten pounds. What started out as two, four, five, TOM weight, has now gotten up to the 10-15 range. This isn’t a simple fluctuation anymore. This is a serious relapse.

And I’m just not getting it.

I’m hoping that by writing this post it will trigger this awakening in me. I told myself I would ease into it, that I wouldn’t go cold turkey and forbid myself from eating the things I love. But maybe I don’t have a choice. I keep saying I want to be that stronger person, but I don’t remember how to get there. That other me is gone right now, and she’s not coming back. I’m scared that this 10-15 is going to turn into 20, and the next thing I know I’ll be at 234lbs again. I’m already starting to feel hopeless. Maybe I need someone to tell me I’m alright, to tell me I can do this, because I guess I’m just not hearing what I need to hear.

My last excuse was “it’s my birthday” so I let myself eat all sorts of crap. Well, happy 20th to me, I’m 10lbs heavier than I was a month ago! Even before that I knew I was floundering, but not like this. I was maintaining for a while, but now I’m starting to show it, and my self esteem is burning out. The other day I was in the kitchen with my mom and before I’d even started to make something to eat she told me that I’d just ate and didn’t need to eat again, and I just brushed it off. And then she told me that I was putting the weight back on in my thighs and that I needed to go work out, and I actually got pretty upset about it. But as much as I want to be angry, I know that it’s true, but right now, I feel like I can’t do a damn thing about it.

I want to break out of this mindset. I really, really hope that this winter break is what I need. I REALLY hope I don’t let it go to waste :(

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First Snowfall

It’s been 2 months since my last post, which I am SUPER sorry about! But there has been so much going on in my life. I’ve been trying to keep up with school, I had to get through the biggest anime convention in Michigan, and I’ve been planning for cons next year. My great grandma passed away two weeks ago, so I had to get through the funeral. I’ve also taken up sewing (I haven’t actually sewn anything yet, but I’m trying to get into, so we’ll see how that goes). Not to mention my “love” life has transformed and exploded all over the place, so I’m trying to come to terms with that. So I guess that’s where I’ll start, since it is sort of the pivotal point that has inspired me to get back in touch with my athletic side.

Well, about a month ago I went in to get my bellybutton pierced (it is super cute, but I don’t think my body is responding well to the metal. They do take anywhere from 6 months- a year to heal, but it is coming along poorly). Anyhoodles, after it got done I told my piercer (piercist?) Josh that I was going to hang out at the shop for maybe ten or fifteen minutes just to see if I got lightheaded at all, and wait for it to pass so that I wouldn’t have any driving misshaps. Well, we sat around and talked for a pretty good while, and he was very forward with his advances. To be completely honest, I’m just not familiar with that. Seeing as how I spent my entire life with very poor body image, and frankly, I wasn’t the most attractive person when I was larger, mostly because I didn’t treat myself as such, and didn’t carry myself with confidence. But since my weight loss, I have been getting a lot more attention from guys, and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I already knew that I wasn’t a very sexual creature, asexual to be exact. And if you’re unfamiliar with the orientation, I would look into it, because it really isn’t as well-known as it should be.

Although Josh is a great guy, and a good friend of mine, I wasn’t able to respond to him in that sense. But it did bring up a lot of personal questions that I needed to reflect on. I think the whole “boy factor” was feeding into this vast expanse of anxieties that seemed to come at me at once. I think school stress played a part, as well as irritation caused by friends, and a lack of personal freetime. For a while there I was just sort of floundering in my own little world. It wasn’t detrimental physically, but mentally I felt like I’d reached some sort of breaking point. I think it showed in my interactions with people, because I found myself blowing up at everyone, for no good reasons. I would snap at them or just start yelling and it would get carried away to the point where I’d later feel guilty about it. But I was just constantly angry all the time, and I rarely settled down. It was just this constant stream of pissed off that I couldn’t break.

To add to that, I met another guy, Matt, who was even more forward with his come ons than Josh had been. I think that I had a great deal more response to Matt, but there was still this wall of indifference and unknowing. I was very uncertain in my actions and what I was allowing him to do, and I didn’t know whether or not I enjoyed the attention or resented it. After my first meeting with Matt ended on a awkward note, I was very, very nervous about meeting with him again one-on-one. I was able to push off our next meeting for maybe two or three weeks, during which he showed a lot of– what I believed to be– genuine emotions, and he tried (almost desperately) to win my favor. This all culminated this past Monday when he came to campus to see me. We ended up talking for a long time, one thing lead to another and yeah. Think we get the picture.

The day after I was in pretty decent spirits. I woke up with a go-getting attitude and ended up going out on my bike and making much healthier choices food wise. It wasn’t a bad day, it just sort of was. I think I was more hopeful than anything. I made the rounds and told the people closest to me what had happened, with the exception of my sissy who is proving to be quite difficult and is a little more judgmental. But my two best friends and my mom have supported me and the decision. I was actually looking forward to Wednesday, when Matt and I were supposed to get together again.

Well, Wednesday morning rolled around and I got the text that said he couldn’t make it that night, and it all sort of came to a halt. I think I have a lot of insecurities about the whole thing. I expected him to just walk away afterwards, and you know, it wouldn’t come as a shock to me, but I can’t help but be really mad about it. It’s not that it makes me sad. I mean, I would be hurt if that was the case, if he is really just a hit it and quit it type of guy, but instead of crying I’ve always been the type of person who just gets flaming angry and pissed. So now I’m using exercise as a way of venting those angry feelings. Because I just have to do something.

I don’t know if I’m just overreacting, or what. I’m giving it time and letting him be the one to get in touch with me. But if that doesn’t happen, well, we’ll see. I guess that would certainly ruin things.

All of you gals are much more experienced than I am, so maybe some advice or words of wisdom might help.

What I do know is that I think I’m back in action on my health front. I find solace and comfort in that lifestyle, and I need some escape from the stress and the anxiety and that’s the only way I can think of to do it. I mean, I was a triathlete. Embracing that powerful part of me is the only way that I can be in control of some part of my life right now. So I’ve just got to get back on track.

This mornnig I woke up (no texts from Matt) and decided to go out for a run. I was going to just do a quarter mile of walking and then running for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but I ended up running the full mile. When I got back to my house, it had just started to snow. I remember how positive and strong I used to feel when I was athletically engaged, and I’m trying to get back to that place. I just hope you girls are still out there with me!

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The good days go out the window

Starting Weight: 172.4
Next Weigh-in: Sunday, August 14th
This Week’s goal: -1.4lbs

Been feeling like crap since last night. Just so bummed out, can’t do anything productive, my writing has been going in circles and I can’t sit down and think of a serious idea to work with. I’m just overall in a really blah mood, stemmed from this message I got last night. My friend Megan told me to apply at Hobby Lobby again because they’d be hiring in a week. Both she and my friend (yeah, not so much anymore) Sara both work there, and she told me to put them down as refs. I haven’t talked to Sara much since graduation, but she’s on my facebook and is always one of those “high school” friends you talk to every now and again. So I sent her a message on facebook telling her that I was trying to get a position at Hobby Lobby, and I asked her politely if I could use her as a reference. Two days later and she sends me a message saying “I would feel more comfortable if you didn’t use me. I don’t know you well enough to be a reference. Good luck though”. And I’m thinking, how do you not know me well enough? We’ve been friends for over five years, you’re on my facebook, we’ve had tons of classes together, hung out every single morning when we were in school, have gone to parties together, and the last time I saw her was at my graduation party, but yet she doesn’t know me well enough to let me put her as a ref? Sorry, but I have a hard time believing that. I’m applying at Hobby Lobby, not the secret service.

It just bothers me that I have wanted this job so damn bad, and I have been working so hard to get it, and she won’t even let me put her damn name down on my application. Megan is practically bending over backwards to help me get in and then Sara is going to be a total bitch about it? It’s not like I’m going to be a bad worker. I want the job so bad, I NEED the job. And any little bit of help would be a fricken blessing since I have had such horrible luck in the job department.

I really just don’t even understand how to take that. I was so angry about it when I first got the message, and now I’m just feeling like shit. I’ve been in a bad mood all day, I was in a bad mood all night, and I know this could go one of two ways. 1.) I do get the job because Megan was a good enough ref, and dropped my name enough times to get Tammy to recognize me or 2.) I don’t get the job and I’m stuck thinking “if I had had that one more thing going for me…” It really, really bothers me. I’ve been looking for a job for so long now and I haven’t gotten one single call, and then I decide to narrow in on Hobby Lobby because I knew two good employees and I had connections there unlike EVERY OTHER BUSINESS in this city, and now that idea is totally out the window. Even if I do get the job, it is still going to absolutely bother me that she said that. Because if it had been the other way around, I would have been more than happy to be a reference for her. It’s nice to know at the end of the day that people who claim to be your friends can screw you over. Especially on a matter as important as a job.

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Can you handle all the bitching?

Hmm. Hmm. Wow.

Where to begin? Well, let’s start with that good old Italian professor. If that guy tripped down a flight of stairs, I honestly would not give a shit. I don’t know what all I’ve been saying these past few blogs, so to recap: Oral exam. 10% of grade. Need partner. My effing partner dropped the class, so the teacher fricken slams me in another group with a girl “N” and a boy “D”. THEN, he changes the date from Thurs the 21st, to Tues the 19th, only 5 days before we’re to do the exam. Cool. And by the way, I don’t know how to speak Italian, and also, I live an hour away from school, I don’t exactly have the fucking gas to be driving up to Detroit every day to work on a damn project, especially with that car I don’t own.

So, I had a super fucking busy weekend last weekend (go figure). On Fri night I sent an email to “N” telling her what I was doing for the project, and asking her to send a email to “D” and tell him what they both needed to do to finish up. Okay. No one emails me back till Sunday. Sun morning I get a txt from “D” telling me he’s fucking dropping out of the damn group. COOL. So I send another email to “N”. No response. But I told her I would be to class early on Tues, around 1:30ish.

So Tuesday goddamn comes. I have an appt with fin aid at 1:15. That goes fine. I call my mom. While on the phone with my mom I get a call from “N”. I hang up with my mom and see “N” sent me a txt asking me where I was. What’s the time? 1:36. HOLD YOU FUCKING HORSES I’M FUCKING COMING DAMN. So I walk up to the Italian room. “N” is standing outside the door, on her phone, TALKING ABOUT ME. She turns, sees me and goes “Oh she’s here” and quickly hangs up. Cool. So I begin to talk to “N” about my concerns about the project. “N” begins to talk about what happened on the last episode of “What would you do?” then asks me if I’ve ever watched it.

What does this have to do with the oral exam that we’re not prepared for and have to do in an hour? “N” continues to talk about everything that isn’t the project. She pulls out her laptop and fucking youtubes “What would you do” AND STARTS WATCHING IT IN THE CLASSROOM WHILE I AM WORKING ON THE FUCKING PROJECT.

I’m wishing I had a gun.

She keeps asking me questions. Completely irrelevant questions, and telling me stories about Muslims and her church and stupid shit. So I finish OUR project, and we can practice a little. Omg. And I had a bag of fucking cookies with me, and this freaking girl, who I don’t even know, and certainly do not like is all “Jade, can I have a cookie?” I just stared at her. Seriously. NO YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE A COOKIE. You can buy your own damn cookies!!!!!!!!!! WHO JUST ASKS FOR COOKIES FROM PEOPlE THEY HAVE NEVER TALKED TO BEFORE?! God. Fricken. Dang. It.

4:20 rolls around and we have to do our exam. I’m nervous. We memorized our lines in the last five mins (we’re not supposed to memorize, but like I said, I can’t speak Italian). So he asks us to perform the dialogue. Go figure. Halfway through “N” forgets her lines, and so the prof just starts questioning us, in Italian, saying all these words and crap that we never. fucking. studied. I had NO idea even remotely what he was saying. I mean, it would have rang a bell if he’d said something from the book, but no, he’s just rambling on and I’m staring at him, and he’s getting irritated, and I really just DO NOT KNOW what he is saying. So he fucking scribbles some shit down on his notepad and he goes “I guess you should have studied a bit more.”

Oh.

Ohhhhhhhhh ho ho.

Oh no.

I almost lunged across the table and throttled him. I would have slammed his big stupid head against the corner of the desk. That fucker.

Studied more? Not only did I not know my group till last Thursday, but then you cut two days off of my study time, and you are NOT the only thing I have going on in my life. And I. Studied. My. Fucking. Ass. OFF. I was as prepared as I fucking could have been given the circumstances. That son of a bitch. “Should have studied more?” Suck. My.

Never again.

So what else is wrong in my life?

Gee. I went to schedule my fall classes. Go figure. They all overlap. Oh and get this, I can only take three because the fourth starts ten minutes before the first one ends. So now I just have a huge two hour gap in my schedule. AND my first class starts at 11:45. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this waking up early shit again. (I have to get up two hours early because I live so far away). And my last class gets out at 6. And I’m just not thrilled about the classes either. I was scheduled for the second half of Italian, and everything worked out perfectly, but a couple days ago I got an email saying they randomly changed the time of that section, and it overlapped my first our, so I had to fucking drop it.

I have been so pissed, and so stressed. Everything is just getting to me, and the “freedom” portion isn’t settling in yet. I think I’m too far gone to feel relieved. I can’t write. I don’t want to do anything but sit here. I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow and I really just don’t want to deal with my friends. I’m not in the mood. I just don’t want to leave my house. I haven’t gotten a single break day in like three weeks, I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

My grandma was in the hospital all last week, and they waffled about what’s wrong with her. They told us she had congestive heart failure, so for about three days we had that hanging over our head, but then they retracted the diagnosis and told us it was pneumonia. So, Sunday we’ll have Easter over there. And I’m not even sure my mom is going, and if she doesn’t, ohhh, that will just open a whole new can of worms and I’m just not ready to deal with it.

Speaking of Easter. Did you girls ever get presents on Easter? Like cold hard, huge ass, Christmas worthy presents? I never did. I mean when I REALLY little, but once I hit like eight that stopped. I get candy, sometimes a little bit of money. That’s it. And I’m sorry, but I believe that’s how it should be. But noooo. Mykul text me today saying his family did their Easter today. And he proceeded to tell me all of the SHIT he’s got so far: a new pair of shoes, two sweatshirts, money, a video game. Hmmm…. Easter Bunny, I didn’t know you were Santa, too. Oh yeah, and that fucking video game? I told him I’ve wanted it for like two years, I’ve been asking for it for Christmas but haven’t gotten it. He didn’t even know what the fuck it was till I told him, and all of the sudden he gets it for Easter? EASTER? Fuck. What the fuck ever.

Okay, so, I had to do something to save my sanity right? And the only way I know how is by blowing tons of money which I later regret. But seriously, this is the one good thing that has happened to me like, all month. And I can’t regret him:

This is my 7-week-old spiked foliage wanderer, Sabellus Beowulf Wakame Michaelis. I call him Sebby for short. He’s a hedgehog, and I love him. He makes me happy.

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