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Monday & Tuesday

For my nonsensical ramblings? I am having a MISERABLE TOM. Bad bloating and tummy hurtiness. It’s not cool. What good things are going on? Well, my cock eye doctor is being less of a cock this week, and actually wrote me a presctiption for contacts. This is most good. Also, uh… positive things… right, there are so few of them… I went to the gym yesterday… But not today. My diet has been worse this week than last week.

So what the fuck else. Oh yeah, so officially every single member of my immediate family has made comments as to my weight gain in the past couple of weeks. And I see now that this is the worst time for me to hear things like that. I realize how hard I’ve been trying just to make myself feel OKAY again, much less good. When it comes to being on plan, I’m really hard on myself. But lately I just haven’t been determined enough, I’ve been scraping by, grasping at straws to keep myself on board. Maybe you guys can see that in my posts. Maybe it sounds like I’m a lot more successful than I really have been. That’s probably because I’ve been talking myself up. But in truth, every word I type on this blog is really just another bit of wool I’m trying to pull down in front of my eyes. I’m trying to make things hurt less. I haven’t forgotten what started me on this journey in the first place, and that was something my mom said on the way home from school once. I remember that conversation perfectly. People say that if you don’t lose weight for YOU, then the motivation isn’t strong enough, but I don’t know. The reason I suddenly started dieting in September 2010 was because I was sick of being hurt by everyone’s fucking comments, and now it’s happening again, but you know what really fucking disgusts me? The fact that I’m 170-something pounds. It’s not like I’m 234, it’s not like I’m even 200. I’M NOT EVEN OVER 1 FUCKING 80. And everywhere I turn people are telling me I look fat, or I’m putting weight back on, or I’m fucking failing somehow. Which is awesome. I ran a goddamn mile last night, worked out for an hour and a half, and then today my grandma has to point out that my fat roll is too fucking obvious. Like it’s so insulting to her. And here is what I really, really, REALLY love. Every person in my family is overweight. Not even a LITTLE overweight. I’m getting criticized by people upwards of 280lbs, and you know what? It’s not okay anymore. I’M NOT OKAY. Is it not enough for me to admit that I’m relapsing? Is it not enough that I took responsibility for that relapse? Is it not enough that I’m striving to get back to a somewhat healthy routine? It’s not like I DON’T want to be on plan, it’s just really hard to be that determined all the time when realistically, I’m concerned with other freaking things. I’m on winter break, I want to have a little fun, I want to rest, I want to be productive, but it doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m tired of acting like these snide little “jokes”, these comments they make in jest, in passing, in good humor, WHATEVER, I’m tired of acting like they don’t get to me. They do. And instead of making me motivated, it’s throwing me off. I’m feeling seriously hopeless. Fucking hopeless. Like I’m just not good enough for them, like I have to watch my every move, be everyone’s idol, be the perfect role model, be a certain size. I don’t even care if they say it out of concern, I honestly would rather them just shut their damn mouths and let me figure this out on my own.

So there’s my therapy bullshit for today.

 

10 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    goodnuff said,

    December 29, 2011 @ 4:58 pm

    Hmm? I don’t even know what to say. This whole weight thing is so hard. For me, I wanted to tell people so that I would be more accountable. I tried keeping it a secret in the past and obviously…wait, not that I’m fat, that’s no secret, that I was trying to lose weight. Anyway, so I told everyone via Facebook. It was nice at first because I loved the support but now? I’m sick of all of the weight related comments. Although they are positive ones which is nice. It just bothers me. And I also feel like if people give positive comments they may be all too willing to put their two cents in if I gain it back. And it’s not like you can keep it a secret for long anyway because eventually people notice. I think the reason I can’t seem to stay below 280 is psychological. If I lose 10 more pounds I will have to buy some new clothes and if I gain it back those clothes won’t fit. People will notice. And the comments will start.
    Maybe tell them your focus isn’t on the numbers. It is on being active and eating a balanced diet. Or tell them to fluff off and worry about their own fat asses. Whatever works for you.

  2. 2

    rockyhorror said,

    December 29, 2011 @ 10:34 pm

    Don’t let people get you down. It’s been said many times, but it’s still true. You’ve made great changes and you’re only experiencing a minor set back- you can get through it!

  3. 3

    pepagirl said,

    January 2, 2012 @ 12:39 am

    I feel like it has to be for you to keep it off, but to get there it can be other people. A kind of, “I’ll show you!” motivation. But once you get there, there is no rule saying you can’t like it and make it for you. I feel like the more other people notice, the more I want to lose again too. I have reached the limits of the stretchiness to my jeans recently and really don’t want to buy bigger clother, so that’s a big motivator for me too.

  4. 4

    didibuttonsley said,

    January 3, 2012 @ 7:16 am

    I had family members that made sure to mention it to me when I regained all the weight I had lost after losing forty some pounds and maintaining a healthy weight for years and years. It sucked. It still hurts when I think of it, and I wish that I could go back to those moments, and just start rattling off all of my attackers’ painful personal issues that needed (and still need) work. Weight is an easy thing to spot and harp on, but ALL PEOPLE have glitches and huge problems that they carry. Most go a lifetime without changing much. It is easy to tell another person what the f@$k they should be doing better, and a heck of a lot harder to fix ones own damn self. Next time they are picking on you, I think you should just retaliate with fat jokes turned on them. If they want to dish it they ought to take a little back.
    I am sure that they have concern for you, and part of their words must stem from the fact that they themselves are fat asses, and therefore know how much it blows. They don’t want you to end up like them again. Still, it sucks.
    Check out the link to fatgirlwearingthin’s blog under my blogroll. I think you should join the hate loss challenge for the month. You need some happy motivation to cancel out the negative bullshit that you’ve been putting up with.

  5. 5

    jewlz280 said,

    January 4, 2012 @ 1:10 pm

    Hey Jelbelle! I’ve missed you and sorry I’ve been MIA. Just got wrapped up in my own crap. And honestly, I’d say that is EXACTLY what the people who are saying things to you are doing — they are getting SO wrapped up in how THEY feel about being fat that they are saying things to you. Just like Didi said. My Mom has done the same and one day I looked at her and said, ‘Yeah, I’m gaining. What do you want to do to help me?’ And she looked at me and said whatever it took. Then I said why can’t she do it for herself? The answer: She didn’t know how but she doesn’t want me to get older like her and hate myself. That was a shock to me. I never thought she hated herself. And that’s strong. And life altering to know that when she was saying things to me, it was because she hated herself. *sigh* We, as humans, are just too damn complicated.

    Anyways, to some extent, I think you should ignore what they say. I’d laugh it off and be like, yeah, gotta love the holidays! Or be like yeah, but it won’t be there for long! Sometimes returning a negative comment with positive thoughts is the best way to stomp on things. Not just for them, but for you. It reminds you that weight is just a number and goes up and down but how you FEEL about your weight CAN change. I don’t think you have ANY intention of gaining all your weight back. At all. But I do think if you let their negative comments get to you, it will eat at you. You did the right thing by coming here to vent and get that poison out of your system. Another thing you could do is confront them. Sorta like I did with my Mom. Sometimes dealing with issues head on, no matter how awkward is the way to go. Sometimes, it’s good. Sometimes its drama. Sometimes its both, but what the hell, you dealt with it!

    Hope things are better today. I’m getting back in the groove now and will be back to check on ya! Thanks for checking on me. :)

    Jewlz280

  6. 6

    goodnuff said,

    January 4, 2012 @ 7:52 pm

    Hope you rehabbing a Happy New Year so far and have found a way to deal with the people who haven’t been thinking before speaking.

  7. 7

    goodnuff said,

    January 4, 2012 @ 7:52 pm

    *are having, not rehabbing, lmao

  8. 8

    misscatty said,

    January 5, 2012 @ 3:44 pm

    Oh girl! your post made me want to cry. I totally understand, but the real part is this, the only reason their comments are getting to you is that YOU are getting to you. You are letting them eat away at confidence that you should have in yourself, you probably had made a comemnt about that flubby role when you got dressed , and then their comment came in and whacked you in the softest spot that you created. So what if you have a little roll there? So what if you aren’t a super model? You ARE TRULY beautiful. Want someone to shut up, look them in the face and say “You are beautful the way you are, aren’t I?” They normally realize their mistake pretty quick.

    They aren’t hating U, u are hating you, they hate themselves and thats why they point those stupid human flaws out. Don’t keep up that circle. If you have a problem with X, then accept the problem, understand the WHY of the problem, and then fix the WHY, not the problem.

    I don’t say I need to turn off the water to my sink, cause of my drippy facet I say I need to fix my facet because its dripping. I saw where you are really upset at your snacking, calories, and late night eating. Don’t shut off the eating shut off the reasons to why you eat.

    You are beautiful, don’t forget it, and tell them that they are too. Love yourself no matter what!

  9. 9

    pepagirl said,

    January 17, 2012 @ 1:37 pm

    *POKE* Are you there?

  10. 10

    pepagirl said,

    February 18, 2012 @ 9:54 pm

    DUDE! WHERE ARE YOU?

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