I’m going all Lord of the Rings on your asses.
But really. Monday is going to be the worst of it, I think. Once I get through today I will only have one exam left. Of course, my entire logic grade is depending on that exam, but somehow I feel better prepared to handle it then my Monday exam. Maybe that’s because my exam on Monday is another god dang essay, and I am so burnt out on essays that I don’t think I can do it. I just can’t stomach it. It’s funny because my last and biggest essay was on A Clockwork Orange, the best book ever written in the history of forever, and I feel a lot like Alex: every time I think of an essay I get physically sick. I’m conditioned against them and I’d rather lay on my back and lick a boot than write another muthafluffin essay. Just because I’m an English major doesn’t mean I’m willing to spend the rest of my life writing research papers. Tell me how many of you have written a research paper since you’ve been out of school?
Anyways, I think I’m stalling. In a lot of different ways. I don’t want to blame this on excuses, say it was school stress, this, that, or the other. Because I know the problem is me, and I’m just getting lazy. No other way around that. I’m eating like crap, and I’m not moving a muscle I don’t have to, sleeping too much, not taking responsibility for myself, and the fact of the matter is, it’s terrifying. I’m so preoccupid with having instantly satisfying fun that I’m not at all bothered by the fact that in the past month I have somehow managed to put on ten pounds. What started out as two, four, five, TOM weight, has now gotten up to the 10-15 range. This isn’t a simple fluctuation anymore. This is a serious relapse.
And I’m just not getting it.
I’m hoping that by writing this post it will trigger this awakening in me. I told myself I would ease into it, that I wouldn’t go cold turkey and forbid myself from eating the things I love. But maybe I don’t have a choice. I keep saying I want to be that stronger person, but I don’t remember how to get there. That other me is gone right now, and she’s not coming back. I’m scared that this 10-15 is going to turn into 20, and the next thing I know I’ll be at 234lbs again. I’m already starting to feel hopeless. Maybe I need someone to tell me I’m alright, to tell me I can do this, because I guess I’m just not hearing what I need to hear.
My last excuse was “it’s my birthday” so I let myself eat all sorts of crap. Well, happy 20th to me, I’m 10lbs heavier than I was a month ago! Even before that I knew I was floundering, but not like this. I was maintaining for a while, but now I’m starting to show it, and my self esteem is burning out. The other day I was in the kitchen with my mom and before I’d even started to make something to eat she told me that I’d just ate and didn’t need to eat again, and I just brushed it off. And then she told me that I was putting the weight back on in my thighs and that I needed to go work out, and I actually got pretty upset about it. But as much as I want to be angry, I know that it’s true, but right now, I feel like I can’t do a damn thing about it.
I want to break out of this mindset. I really, really hope that this winter break is what I need. I REALLY hope I don’t let it go to waste :(