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The worst has not yet come to pass

I’m going all Lord of the Rings on your asses.

But really. Monday is going to be the worst of it, I think. Once I get through today I will only have one exam left. Of course, my entire logic grade is depending on that exam, but somehow I feel better prepared to handle it then my Monday exam. Maybe that’s because my exam on Monday is another god dang essay, and I am so burnt out on essays that I don’t think I can do it. I just can’t stomach it. It’s funny because my last and biggest essay was on A Clockwork Orange, the best book ever written in the history of forever, and I feel a lot like Alex: every time I think of an essay I get physically sick. I’m conditioned against them and I’d rather lay on my back and lick a boot than write another muthafluffin essay. Just because I’m an English major doesn’t mean I’m willing to spend the rest of my life writing research papers. Tell me how many of you have written a research paper since you’ve been out of school?

Anyways, I think I’m stalling. In a lot of different ways. I don’t want to blame this on excuses, say it was school stress, this, that, or the other. Because I know the problem is me, and I’m just getting lazy. No other way around that. I’m eating like crap, and I’m not moving a muscle I don’t have to, sleeping too much, not taking responsibility for myself, and the fact of the matter is, it’s terrifying. I’m so preoccupid with having instantly satisfying fun that I’m not at all bothered by the fact that in the past month I have somehow managed to put on ten pounds. What started out as two, four, five, TOM weight, has now gotten up to the 10-15 range. This isn’t a simple fluctuation anymore. This is a serious relapse.

And I’m just not getting it.

I’m hoping that by writing this post it will trigger this awakening in me. I told myself I would ease into it, that I wouldn’t go cold turkey and forbid myself from eating the things I love. But maybe I don’t have a choice. I keep saying I want to be that stronger person, but I don’t remember how to get there. That other me is gone right now, and she’s not coming back. I’m scared that this 10-15 is going to turn into 20, and the next thing I know I’ll be at 234lbs again. I’m already starting to feel hopeless. Maybe I need someone to tell me I’m alright, to tell me I can do this, because I guess I’m just not hearing what I need to hear.

My last excuse was “it’s my birthday” so I let myself eat all sorts of crap. Well, happy 20th to me, I’m 10lbs heavier than I was a month ago! Even before that I knew I was floundering, but not like this. I was maintaining for a while, but now I’m starting to show it, and my self esteem is burning out. The other day I was in the kitchen with my mom and before I’d even started to make something to eat she told me that I’d just ate and didn’t need to eat again, and I just brushed it off. And then she told me that I was putting the weight back on in my thighs and that I needed to go work out, and I actually got pretty upset about it. But as much as I want to be angry, I know that it’s true, but right now, I feel like I can’t do a damn thing about it.

I want to break out of this mindset. I really, really hope that this winter break is what I need. I REALLY hope I don’t let it go to waste :(


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    incontrol2day said,

    December 12, 2011 @ 3:01 pm

    I can relate on those excuses. The holidays are especially hard but hopefully we end this year with a bang!

  2. 2

    didibuttonsley said,

    December 12, 2011 @ 9:30 pm

    I actually really love doing research papers, but that’s prolly cause I’m sick in the head.
    You need some motivation. Why don’t you take a dance/zumba/kickboxing/ or martial arts class or something? It can be a “beginning of the new year” gift for yourself. You are way happier when you are working out and getting physical. Listen to “What A Feelin'” three times in a row and dance your ass off every morning until you rediscover your love of health and fitness.
    I gained ten pounds in late September through October, and I am still annoyed with myself for doing it. At the time I was having fun, but now I have to pay for it. On the plus side my diet is pretty much back to normal, and I am doing aerobics five days a week again.

  3. 3

    goodnuff said,

    December 13, 2011 @ 4:54 am

    Well, after my 5+ pound loss last week I feel like I’m an authority on the subject of perfection so consider yourself blessed to get my advice…I’m so effin’ kidding right now. K, here goes. There is no hoping, there is just doing. Don’t wait to get out of your rut, take yourself out of it. You could just wait until there is less stress, oh shat…there won’t be a time. At the minimum, maintain where you are currently. I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone that thinks you needed to lose more weight. But you do have to live a healthy lifestyle. For your health of course but also because when you do you exude awesomeness because of how it makes you feel.
    Consider yourself awakened!

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