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Archive for December, 2011

Monday & Tuesday

For my nonsensical ramblings? I am having a MISERABLE TOM. Bad bloating and tummy hurtiness. It’s not cool. What good things are going on? Well, my cock eye doctor is being less of a cock this week, and actually wrote me a presctiption for contacts. This is most good. Also, uh… positive things… right, there are so few of them… I went to the gym yesterday… But not today. My diet has been worse this week than last week.

So what the fuck else. Oh yeah, so officially every single member of my immediate family has made comments as to my weight gain in the past couple of weeks. And I see now that this is the worst time for me to hear things like that. I realize how hard I’ve been trying just to make myself feel OKAY again, much less good. When it comes to being on plan, I’m really hard on myself. But lately I just haven’t been determined enough, I’ve been scraping by, grasping at straws to keep myself on board. Maybe you guys can see that in my posts. Maybe it sounds like I’m a lot more successful than I really have been. That’s probably because I’ve been talking myself up. But in truth, every word I type on this blog is really just another bit of wool I’m trying to pull down in front of my eyes. I’m trying to make things hurt less. I haven’t forgotten what started me on this journey in the first place, and that was something my mom said on the way home from school once. I remember that conversation perfectly. People say that if you don’t lose weight for YOU, then the motivation isn’t strong enough, but I don’t know. The reason I suddenly started dieting in September 2010 was because I was sick of being hurt by everyone’s fucking comments, and now it’s happening again, but you know what really fucking disgusts me? The fact that I’m 170-something pounds. It’s not like I’m 234, it’s not like I’m even 200. I’M NOT EVEN OVER 1 FUCKING 80. And everywhere I turn people are telling me I look fat, or I’m putting weight back on, or I’m fucking failing somehow. Which is awesome. I ran a goddamn mile last night, worked out for an hour and a half, and then today my grandma has to point out that my fat roll is too fucking obvious. Like it’s so insulting to her. And here is what I really, really, REALLY love. Every person in my family is overweight. Not even a LITTLE overweight. I’m getting criticized by people upwards of 280lbs, and you know what? It’s not okay anymore. I’M NOT OKAY. Is it not enough for me to admit that I’m relapsing? Is it not enough that I took responsibility for that relapse? Is it not enough that I’m striving to get back to a somewhat healthy routine? It’s not like I DON’T want to be on plan, it’s just really hard to be that determined all the time when realistically, I’m concerned with other freaking things. I’m on winter break, I want to have a little fun, I want to rest, I want to be productive, but it doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m tired of acting like these snide little “jokes”, these comments they make in jest, in passing, in good humor, WHATEVER, I’m tired of acting like they don’t get to me. They do. And instead of making me motivated, it’s throwing me off. I’m feeling seriously hopeless. Fucking hopeless. Like I’m just not good enough for them, like I have to watch my every move, be everyone’s idol, be the perfect role model, be a certain size. I don’t even care if they say it out of concern, I honestly would rather them just shut their damn mouths and let me figure this out on my own.

So there’s my therapy bullshit for today.

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Happy Holidays!

I was supposed to do this earlier, but the morning was a rushed mess, but… HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! This is my second Christmas on 3FC, and I love you girlies <3 I hope you all are having wonderful times with your families, getting nifty presents, and eating yummy holiday foods :3 Us? We’re having Turducken. Well, lemme take that back. My family is having Turducken. This is one Christmas meal I won’t feel too bad about skipping out on. Brownie triffle dessert on the other hand? I’m all over that.

As far as being OP, you can expect me back on my revamp kick on Monday. I’m not quite ready to be fully accountable, but I’m dedicated to working on it, and that’s good enough for me now. But as I segway into my second week, I’m going to journal what I accomplished in the past week, and what I feel I need to improve on. I think it’s good for me to be totally honest with myself, but also compliment myself so that those feelings of hopelessness don’t muddy my head again.

Things I’m proud of:

-My diligence this week was impressive. Even though I might only have gone for a half hour, I still got my butt to the gym every day this week, and when I didn’t go to the gym, I worked out at home. I only gave myself one rest day, which is okay, too. I was particularly impressed with Tuesday, when I looked at the clock and saw it was already 7:13. I felt a little defeated. The gym closed at 8:00, and I was ready to kick the bucket and say “It’s too late”. But then I reasoned with myself and ended up going. Got in 30 minutes on the elliptical and actually got a nice burn. That’s a fighter, right there!

-Trying at all. Maybe I wasn’t perfect, but the fact that I was giving it some effort and my heart was somewhat in it, I’m proud of. Yeah sometimes I gave in. In fact, a lot of times I gave in, but I kept trying to right myself, and even when I wasn’t perfect, I was still pushing forwards. Persistence, not perfection.

-Sticking to old time limits. This might be small, but I think it’s important. I haven’t worked out like I used to in almost a year. I’m out of shape, but not as out of shape as I thought. I’m still doing 5 miles on the bike, 30 minutes on the elliptical, I can run a mile, and do my Turbo Jam without stopping. There’s strength still in me yet!

Okay, let’s get down to business.

What I need to improve on (Go easy on yourself. I understand that this won’t all be fixed in the next week):

-Diet. This is the most important issue, and I think I will dedicate next week to improving on it. I think once I am more comfortable and fluent in my diet, then I can start to put more restrictions and regulations on myself. But the diet is where I’m slipping the most. I’ve been sort of half-assing it, and I really need to detox. I think it would be healthy for me, and I would feel much better at the end of it. I need to committ to this instead of being lazy with it. I think my poor diet makes me the most unhappy. If I’m more confident in what I put into my body, then maybe my self-esteem will be higher.

-Nighttime munching. This just needs to stop, period. This is where all my bad cravings show up and derail me. If I could get away from this, my diet would probably be much smoother.

-Calorie burn. Again, I’m not too focused on this because right now I’m just sort of warming myself up. Once I get my diet in check again, I will let my mind think on this. But right now, I need the concentration on food and food only.

-Dedication. This is my real flaw. I know I want to change, but my whole head and whole heart haven’t shown up to the party yet. I’m not letting that stop me, which is why I’m proud that I’m trying. I can’t wait for them to get involved, but I need to call them up and try to get them to quit stalling and c’mere. I’m hoping that going through the motions will eventually stir up my old determination, but until then, I’m just going to keep going, even if I’m not 100%.

The best thing for me to do right now, is TRY.

 

See you all on Monday! Happy Holidays girls :D

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I’m the conductor and this is my choo choo!

I missed a day because Tuesday was absolutely awful in the way of my sleep schedule. I had an eye appointment at noon, and I’ve been staying up till like, 6, so I figured, what they hey? I’ll just all-night it. Well, no. I passed out at 8:30 and woke up at 11:45. Whoops. On top of that, this douche bag doctor is pulling the same shit he pulled a couple of years ago, which was the reason I stopped going to see him. But he’s covered under my insurance, so since I don’t have the money to go to Wal-Mart right now, it’s him or nothing. And right now, it sounds like nothing, because he is INSISTING once again that the contacts I’ve been wearing for two years don’t fit me. Really? Because they feel fine to me. Actually, they feel more than fine, because I can’t feel them at all. And I can see perfectly fine. But I have a feeling he is going to refuse to write me a prescription for the contacts, and that just pisses me off to no end.

But anyhow. Aside from the terrible doctors appointment, the week has started out pretty good. Actually, I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. First thing in the morning (my morning, anyways), my best friend and I are going to the girly store to buy ourselves some treats. Maybe that’ll perk me up. Yes? Yes. I need it after the total reality check I had like twenty minutes ago. I made the mistake of trying on clothes to decide what outfit to wear tomorrow. And oh fricken boy, 90% of my clothes don’t fit me. Yeah. It’s pretty amazing how much 10lbs really means on me. The difference between 169 and 179 looks, feels, and takes up the same space as 100lbs. To say it was a huge disappointment would be an understatement. But you know, I needed the reality check. And that gave me the idea for my third step in my 12-but-not-really-12 step process. I’m going to list some positive things about gaining some weight back. Not in a “I’m glad the weight is back on” sort of way, but rather what I have learned from my mistakes. And just some all around positive things to keep me on track, because I can’t let this disappointment with the clothes derail me. I have to turn a bummer night into motivation because if I don’t keep myself optimistic about this, then no one will.

Optimism at it’s finest:

1. I’m glad I gained the weight back, because it has really shown me just how amazing my weight loss was to begin with. Compared to other people’s losses of 100+, I never really saw 65lbs as being that much. Sure I looked and felt better about myself, and people always told me that 65 was a lot of weight, but I didn’t really GET it. To me, I was just like “yeah 65, but I could do better”. Now with gaining the 10-15lbs back, I’m like holy shit. What a huge difference just 10 little pounds makes, and I can’t believe I lost that 6 different times! I realize now how strong I was to lose 65lbs. How incredibly fluffin HARD I worked. And now, I will never take one single pound for granted.

2. On that same note, I’m happy I gained some weight back, so now I know the gravity of devestation it makes me feel. I always made little promises to myself when I broke a new record. Like when I got into the 170s I told myself “I will never see 180-anthing ever again.” But as glad I was to be away from the number, I never knew how much it would hurt to see it again. Now that I know how it feels to gain, every pound I put between me and these numbers I loathe will be precious. I will KNOW how bad, how awful, how disappointed I feel when I take such a huge step backwards that I will be more motivated never to go back again.

3. I can still do it. I’m NOT floundering. I’m NOT incapable. Yeah, I may not be at my best right now, I may not be the lowest I have ever been, but I still have the ability to do the things I used to do. I ran a mile today. That’s more than a lot of people smaller, and bigger than me can say. I’m working, I’m doing it. I just have to remember that it takes time. I’m not going to see 169 for a while, but I WILL SEE IT AGAIN. I WILL. I WILL. I WILL. I’m NOT giving up. I HAVEN’T given up. I have gone to the gym every. single. day. So don’t give up me, give it time, because you’re working. You are doing what you are supposed, and you will get there. Just hold tight.

4. These are my own standards. Remember that not everyone sees you the way YOU see you. On an earlier post, goodnuff said “you’ll be hardpressed to find anyone who thinks you need to lose more weight”. This might have been a bit of an exaggeration, but it holds a grain of truth. I weigh 176lbs. It is said. I’m not happy with it, but is it bad? No. At one time, 176 made me happy, because I had never seen it before. Because I started out at 234lbs. Two hundred and thirty four. I was heavier than contestants on The Biggest Loser. I was unhealthy, I was sad. 176 is a looooong way from 234. Does it suck to be back here when I used to be 169? Yeah. BUT the only reason I am so frustrated is because I personally am not happy with where I’m at. Because I feel like I can do better. These are bars I set for myself. No one else. No one is saying “you’re fat”, “you’re ugly”. Maybe I’m hard on myself, but that’s okay. It’s okay. But just remember, 176 isn’t terrible. A lot of people would love to be where I am at RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. So stop feeling like it’s so damn bad!

5. You want motivation? (Again, a goodnuffy thing.) goodnuff posted a video on her blog called “the fat rant” or something of the like. Well, I watched the video, and while it’s all well and good, and being fat is okay and junk, I had to disagree with her. Being fat isn’t for everyone. Yeah, I believe that big is beautiful, but if you feel like you aren’t doing your best, then there’s nothing wrong with that either. I understand that she’s trying to make a lot of self-conscious girls out their feel more comfortable with their bodies, and that is fabulous. But I remember a long time ago when I was still in high school, I was complaining to an old friend of mine about myself. I was saying how unhappy I was with the way I looked, and she said, “Then change it.” I know that at some point, I WILL be happy with myself. And I’m not there yet. So I’m not going to stop till I get there.

But something else about “the fat rant” caught my attention. The narrator was giving statistics about people who lose weight. She said something along the lines of 90-100% of people who loses large amounts of weight will gain it back within the first 3 years. More or less she was saying that the success rate of losing weight and keeping it off is nonexistent. Do I disagree with her? Maybe. But instead of saying “that bitch is overexaggerating and a giant lying cow”, I’m going to make a challenge instead:

I’m going to be the .0000001% that succeeds.

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Technological Difficulties

There’s a good reason for this post being late, and it is part of my nonsensical ramblings. So last night my poor baby computer contracted the most persistent virus I have had in a while. It was a PAIN. Even in safe mode the thing would just not stop attacking me with pop-ups, and I ended up having to resort to a system restore which I haven’t had to do in a while, actually. I’m always a little anxious when it comes to doing those sorts of things because even though it’s not TECHNICALLY supposed to erase files, I feel like I’m still in danger. But the restore seemed to clean it up and now it is a healthy computer once again. Took me damn near six hours to fix it, but it’s fixed. [EDIT] Funnier still… Not. While writing this post, I got the SAME DAMN VIRUS. I don’t know what’s up, but I restored again and now I’m going into overdrive trying to see if the thing is hiding somewhere on my system.

Alright, now for POSITIVE nonsensical ramblings: Today I went to the gym, only got an hour in because I’m a crazy procrastinator, and I’ve been tryin to finish this anime for like, a week now, and I got to like, halfway through and it started to get good >.> so I kept watching. BUT I WENT TO THE GYM! and that’s what matters. Right now I’m not concerned with time or calorie burn, I’m just trying to get myself going every day it’s open. Also, stopped at Subway on the way there (I’m so proud of myself), and I ordered a 6inch instead of a foot-long (so, so proud).

Although, gotta say, I have been running into this problem lately, maybe it’s the season, I don’t know, but anytime I go to a public place, I am met with the absolute WORST customer service. Everyone has been getting attitudes with me, they don’t use their manners, ignore me, it’s like, it’s Christmas, so what the hell crawled up your butt and died?

Enough nonsensical ramblings! Now step two of my 12-but-not-12-step process. I came up with it while I was at the gym and I heard a song that really got me going. So, for step two I am going to pick some lyrics that really inspire me, and highlight the parts that stick with me the most. Then, I’m going to take the songs, put them on a playlist, and dance to them.

So live like you mean it, love ’til you feel it
It’s all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me, hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real ’til it’s gone
Hold on before it’s too late
We’ll run till we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
It’s all that we need in our lives

- Before It’s Too Late, Goo Goo Dolls

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope but failure’s all you know
Remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go

- Iridescent, Linkin Park

You know those days when you want to choose
to not get out of bed, you’re lost in your head again
You play the game, but you’re kind of cut
cuz you’re comin down hard and your joints are all stuck
I’ve tried to say that it’s not the only way
I never knew if I could face myself to change
You were pacing, I was insecure, slip and fall, I’m dodging calls
hug the prison I’ve been living in
Yeah, yeah, and it’s okay, I tie my hands up to a chair
so I don’t fall that way
Yeah, yeah, and I’m alright, I took a sip of somethin poison
but I hold on tight
.”

- Helena Beat, Foster the People

I know you’ve got a little life in you yet,
I know you’ve got a lot of strength left
.”

- This Woman’s Work, Maxwell

“I don’t know what went wrong
If I did, it wouldn’t matter cuz it just wasn’t enough
You know when your moment comes to be strong, show resistance
and that’s what we’re lead to believe.”

I Will be Here, Tiesto

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Fatties Anonymous

I meant to post like yesterday… or the day before that. Well, at some point… I forgot to post. But I’ve been meaning to update. That’s one of my goals is to update at least once a day with something productive. I’m putting myself through mental fat camp. I have to deal with my food addiction and put an end to my floundering. I’m thinking something like AA’s 12 step process, only I don’t know how many steps there are, and and there’s less relying on a higher power and more relying on me-power.

Okay, so first off: Post every day about silly nonsensical things; this may or may not prove theraputic (read: do it anyways). Alright, can do. Something silly and nonsensical that happened to me today: the famfam watched Pirates of the Carribbean 2 and roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Pretty spiffy, ne? We’re real classy. Also: stole toy silverware from Mal’s Disney tea set. This may prove helpful in future hat-making endeavors. Who wants to wear a fork on her head? This girl does. Other nonsensical things: I totes followed Didi’s advice and pulled a Jel. Girls, I did a Flashdance challenge. You bet. And it? Was awesome. I forgot how good that felt.

Ah! Look see! Therapy is working! I had a breakthrough!

Alright, so now I’m going to give myself a little challenge. Hopefully it will add to the therapy value. So to begin, step one is make a list of 20 reasons I need to get myself back on track and rank them in order of importance. So here it goes:

1. 181 is an ugly number.
2. I want to look good in all of my cosplays next year.
3. I have a modeling gig, yo!
4. 5 miles used to be a warm-up to me.
5. The triathlon is in JUNE.
6. I want my corset to fit again. I paid a lot of money for that.
7. I’m starting to get back flab… I’ve never gotten back flab before. It’s unacceptable.
8. The cellulite is coming.
9. I don’t want huge thighs =(
10. I’ve always hated this muffin top…
11. My clothes aren’t fitting well.
12. I want to feel pretty and attractive.
13. I want to be the girl everyone looks to for advice again.
14. I miss the feeling of body fatigue after a long day of work outs.
15. I am sick of feeling gross on the inside.
16. I don’t ever want to gain the weight back in my face, because it hides me.
17. I want to be a role model again.
18. I want to look in the mirror and be jealous of the girl I see.
19. I want to look in the mirror and smile.
20. I want to feel proud of myself.

Observations: I see a lot of negativity. There are so many things I don’t like about myself right now, both on the outside and on the inside. But instead of cleaning this up, I’m going to leave the raw version to stand for now, and I’ll edit it later. When I get to the end of my 12-but-not-really-12-step process.

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