For my nonsensical ramblings? I am having a MISERABLE TOM. Bad bloating and tummy hurtiness. It’s not cool. What good things are going on? Well, my cock eye doctor is being less of a cock this week, and actually wrote me a presctiption for contacts. This is most good. Also, uh… positive things… right, there are so few of them… I went to the gym yesterday… But not today. My diet has been worse this week than last week.
So what the fuck else. Oh yeah, so officially every single member of my immediate family has made comments as to my weight gain in the past couple of weeks. And I see now that this is the worst time for me to hear things like that. I realize how hard I’ve been trying just to make myself feel OKAY again, much less good. When it comes to being on plan, I’m really hard on myself. But lately I just haven’t been determined enough, I’ve been scraping by, grasping at straws to keep myself on board. Maybe you guys can see that in my posts. Maybe it sounds like I’m a lot more successful than I really have been. That’s probably because I’ve been talking myself up. But in truth, every word I type on this blog is really just another bit of wool I’m trying to pull down in front of my eyes. I’m trying to make things hurt less. I haven’t forgotten what started me on this journey in the first place, and that was something my mom said on the way home from school once. I remember that conversation perfectly. People say that if you don’t lose weight for YOU, then the motivation isn’t strong enough, but I don’t know. The reason I suddenly started dieting in September 2010 was because I was sick of being hurt by everyone’s fucking comments, and now it’s happening again, but you know what really fucking disgusts me? The fact that I’m 170-something pounds. It’s not like I’m 234, it’s not like I’m even 200. I’M NOT EVEN OVER 1 FUCKING 80. And everywhere I turn people are telling me I look fat, or I’m putting weight back on, or I’m fucking failing somehow. Which is awesome. I ran a goddamn mile last night, worked out for an hour and a half, and then today my grandma has to point out that my fat roll is too fucking obvious. Like it’s so insulting to her. And here is what I really, really, REALLY love. Every person in my family is overweight. Not even a LITTLE overweight. I’m getting criticized by people upwards of 280lbs, and you know what? It’s not okay anymore. I’M NOT OKAY. Is it not enough for me to admit that I’m relapsing? Is it not enough that I took responsibility for that relapse? Is it not enough that I’m striving to get back to a somewhat healthy routine? It’s not like I DON’T want to be on plan, it’s just really hard to be that determined all the time when realistically, I’m concerned with other freaking things. I’m on winter break, I want to have a little fun, I want to rest, I want to be productive, but it doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m tired of acting like these snide little “jokes”, these comments they make in jest, in passing, in good humor, WHATEVER, I’m tired of acting like they don’t get to me. They do. And instead of making me motivated, it’s throwing me off. I’m feeling seriously hopeless. Fucking hopeless. Like I’m just not good enough for them, like I have to watch my every move, be everyone’s idol, be the perfect role model, be a certain size. I don’t even care if they say it out of concern, I honestly would rather them just shut their damn mouths and let me figure this out on my own.
So there’s my therapy bullshit for today.