It’s been 2 months since my last post, which I am SUPER sorry about! But there has been so much going on in my life. I’ve been trying to keep up with school, I had to get through the biggest anime convention in Michigan, and I’ve been planning for cons next year. My great grandma passed away two weeks ago, so I had to get through the funeral. I’ve also taken up sewing (I haven’t actually sewn anything yet, but I’m trying to get into, so we’ll see how that goes). Not to mention my “love” life has transformed and exploded all over the place, so I’m trying to come to terms with that. So I guess that’s where I’ll start, since it is sort of the pivotal point that has inspired me to get back in touch with my athletic side.
Well, about a month ago I went in to get my bellybutton pierced (it is super cute, but I don’t think my body is responding well to the metal. They do take anywhere from 6 months- a year to heal, but it is coming along poorly). Anyhoodles, after it got done I told my piercer (piercist?) Josh that I was going to hang out at the shop for maybe ten or fifteen minutes just to see if I got lightheaded at all, and wait for it to pass so that I wouldn’t have any driving misshaps. Well, we sat around and talked for a pretty good while, and he was very forward with his advances. To be completely honest, I’m just not familiar with that. Seeing as how I spent my entire life with very poor body image, and frankly, I wasn’t the most attractive person when I was larger, mostly because I didn’t treat myself as such, and didn’t carry myself with confidence. But since my weight loss, I have been getting a lot more attention from guys, and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I already knew that I wasn’t a very sexual creature, asexual to be exact. And if you’re unfamiliar with the orientation, I would look into it, because it really isn’t as well-known as it should be.
Although Josh is a great guy, and a good friend of mine, I wasn’t able to respond to him in that sense. But it did bring up a lot of personal questions that I needed to reflect on. I think the whole “boy factor” was feeding into this vast expanse of anxieties that seemed to come at me at once. I think school stress played a part, as well as irritation caused by friends, and a lack of personal freetime. For a while there I was just sort of floundering in my own little world. It wasn’t detrimental physically, but mentally I felt like I’d reached some sort of breaking point. I think it showed in my interactions with people, because I found myself blowing up at everyone, for no good reasons. I would snap at them or just start yelling and it would get carried away to the point where I’d later feel guilty about it. But I was just constantly angry all the time, and I rarely settled down. It was just this constant stream of pissed off that I couldn’t break.
To add to that, I met another guy, Matt, who was even more forward with his come ons than Josh had been. I think that I had a great deal more response to Matt, but there was still this wall of indifference and unknowing. I was very uncertain in my actions and what I was allowing him to do, and I didn’t know whether or not I enjoyed the attention or resented it. After my first meeting with Matt ended on a awkward note, I was very, very nervous about meeting with him again one-on-one. I was able to push off our next meeting for maybe two or three weeks, during which he showed a lot of– what I believed to be– genuine emotions, and he tried (almost desperately) to win my favor. This all culminated this past Monday when he came to campus to see me. We ended up talking for a long time, one thing lead to another and yeah. Think we get the picture.
The day after I was in pretty decent spirits. I woke up with a go-getting attitude and ended up going out on my bike and making much healthier choices food wise. It wasn’t a bad day, it just sort of was. I think I was more hopeful than anything. I made the rounds and told the people closest to me what had happened, with the exception of my sissy who is proving to be quite difficult and is a little more judgmental. But my two best friends and my mom have supported me and the decision. I was actually looking forward to Wednesday, when Matt and I were supposed to get together again.
Well, Wednesday morning rolled around and I got the text that said he couldn’t make it that night, and it all sort of came to a halt. I think I have a lot of insecurities about the whole thing. I expected him to just walk away afterwards, and you know, it wouldn’t come as a shock to me, but I can’t help but be really mad about it. It’s not that it makes me sad. I mean, I would be hurt if that was the case, if he is really just a hit it and quit it type of guy, but instead of crying I’ve always been the type of person who just gets flaming angry and pissed. So now I’m using exercise as a way of venting those angry feelings. Because I just have to do something.
I don’t know if I’m just overreacting, or what. I’m giving it time and letting him be the one to get in touch with me. But if that doesn’t happen, well, we’ll see. I guess that would certainly ruin things.
All of you gals are much more experienced than I am, so maybe some advice or words of wisdom might help.
What I do know is that I think I’m back in action on my health front. I find solace and comfort in that lifestyle, and I need some escape from the stress and the anxiety and that’s the only way I can think of to do it. I mean, I was a triathlete. Embracing that powerful part of me is the only way that I can be in control of some part of my life right now. So I’ve just got to get back on track.
This mornnig I woke up (no texts from Matt) and decided to go out for a run. I was going to just do a quarter mile of walking and then running for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but I ended up running the full mile. When I got back to my house, it had just started to snow. I remember how positive and strong I used to feel when I was athletically engaged, and I’m trying to get back to that place. I just hope you girls are still out there with me!