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Archive for November, 2011

*Flounder Flounder*

Oh determination, where art thou?

Stopping cold turkey isn’t working, so I’m slooooowly trying to put myself on the wagon. I got a toe up there but the rest of me is desperately flailing about, still clutching at Taco Bell, and pancakes, and Thanksgiving leftovers. I think I need to get the diet going first before getting back into exercise, because right now, thinking of doing them both simultaenously and being good at them is blowing my mind. Little at a time here, little at a time.

Today my mom has a meeting with Endurance (my new gym). I think it’s like one of those conferences where they say they’re going to give you a free number of weeks if you’ll come and sit down with them and let them try to poke and prod you into getting your membership. So hopefully with her there to start me out for the first two weeks, I’ll get more comfortable with the gym and start to go by myself. New gyms are so hard :( and now that I’m all conditioned for the YMCA I’m going to be very bitter about adjusting.

I guess what is kind of good news, I’m down to 175 from 178. I’m not really “counting” any of these weights because of TOM, and I want to get a better idea of where I’m at after it’s done. I still think I will be around 174. My goal is to get to 160 before January 27th. It’s sort of a daunting goal, but I’d love it if it would happen. That would mean I’d be at my lowest weight ever for Ohayocon, which is what I’m aiming for. Actually, I’d love 159, which would be a solid 15lbs in two months. That’s pretty big for someone of my size, especially considering the weight has really not wanted to come off. But you know, if I even got close to that number, I’m sure I’d be satisfied.

But you can’t reach goals if you don’t sink in. I’m really trying to find that amazingly strong, animalistic, no-nonsense girl I was before. Really, where the hell is she? I miss her. If someone sees her, tell her I’ve been trying her number and to call me back.

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Oh god the season just keeps coming…

and so do the pounds!
STOP IT.

;_; I want to tell you all that I have done marvelously with my renewal plan but that would be lying. BUT I FULLY INTEND TO DO THIS. I’m just so crazy, there’s a lot going on like… saving $235 on Black Friday. What can I say? I’m a fashion addict. Now if only I’d realize that losing more weight could mean more clothes… hmmmm…

goodnuff, where are you woman! I desperately need this partnership!

I found our motivation! You can be the one in the glasses and the heels!

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Just some thoughts

I had an okay day, got some things out of the way to make room for all that vacation fun I’m going to have. Didn’t get any exercise in due to underestimating the length of wife talks, but hey, I’m not derailed (yet)! I mean lookit! I’m posting twice in one day! But really, I have ulterior motives for this post, and that’s because of a comment I received that sort of frightened me, and to be honest, I feel if I don’t say something then I’m doing a disservice to myself and to people like me. And I don’t mean any of the following statements to offend anyone at all, but I really just have to get this all out:

Two posts ago I made the comment that I was asexual, sort of an in passing thing. Although I am highly aware of how rare it is, in fact, I believe the statistics are currently at about 1% of Americans claim asexuality. But however small it may be, it deserves to be recognized as any other sexual orientation would be.

To believe in something is to advocate it, and if I find the opportunity to raise awareness of something that I firmly believe in, then I will do that. That is because being such a small minority often makes life a little more challenging. And more and more often I am hearing that I, or other asexuals are “wrong”, “broken”, or “unnatural” for what, to us, IS perfectly natural.

To say that it is natural for someone to be sexual, then in turn, that means that being asexual is unnatural. I think that is a narrow-minded belief. You may personally be a sexual person by nature, but that does not mean that others who are different in that aspect are somehow not following an unwritten set of humanistic characteristics. Which would be quite absurd, because the human race is filled with radically different people, with different ways of thinking, ways of working, ways of seeing, and with far different norms. 

Asexual isn’t a choice, a mood, or a phase, it is a state of mind AND body. It is the natural unresponsiveness to sexual activity or attraction. For those looking for a more well-rounded definition I encourage you to please, please visit the AVEN website here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

I know there are a lot of nay-sayers who doubt the existence of asexuality in human beings, and I think that it absolutely RIDICULOUS. Sorry, but that is a load of crap. We are raised to believe that sex is a must, that it is a necessity, and that isn’t true. Reproduction is (to some, I’m sure) necessary, but all humans are not the same. We do not all function the same. Can a social person ever fully understand an anti-social person? Absolutely not. Because you are not in their shoes, because one does not function the same as the other. That makes neither person BROKEN or UNNATURAL. Does that make one quirky? Does it make one “agaisnt the norm”? Maybe. But so what? The traditional idea of romance, marriage, and sex are dying traits that frankly, I feel will grow less and less prominent in coming generations.

For me personally, asexuality has always been a huge part of my life. Even from a young age I was very aware of the fact that I did not respond to sex the way other people did. That’s because I did not respond to it at all. In high school, I was repulsed by the idea, I judged people I knew who were openly sexual, and I never once desired to have sex myself. Even my family and close friends were very aware of the oddity of my behavior. It was so obvious in me that my mother would tell me that she never had to worry about me because “I was Jade”, and Jade would never do or act like that. Now that I’m older, I don’t feel a resentment towards sex or anyone who engages it, I am simply indifferent to it.

Asexuality is an orientation just recently emerging on the scene. Many asexuals may feel as if they are abnormal or that they have a medical condition that is causing them to feel that way, and that is because the idea of asexuality is suppressed and overlooked. It exists, and there is a very large and active community supporting it.

You may personally feel that it is natural for humans to desire sex. But that is simply not true. I have never had want for it, craving, or desire, or an emptiness because I didn’t get it. I was sexless for 19 years, and having my first sexual encounter has only solidified my beliefs. Although my body physically responds in certain ways, I do not feel a mental connection between the action and myself. That’s not to say my experience was bad. It certainly wasn’t. But personally, it has no long lasting impact on me or any real meaning or value whatsoever. ASEXUALS CAN ENGAGE IN SEX. But if it is done, it is typically done to please a non-asexual partner. For us, sex is little more than baking a cake. And about just as pleasurable. This? Will not change. No matter who I sleep with. And I certainly am not willing to walk around trying out different partners to see “who can fix the asexual”.

ASEXUALITY IS NOT CELIBACY. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A LATE-BLOOMER. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE BROKEN.

And it certainly does not mean that you have “just not found ‘The One’ “.

I’m asexual and proud. And I do not judge other orientations, nor do I deem them wrong, I do not disagree with them, I do not see them as unright, unnatural, or abnormal. So please, don’t write mine off.  

Again, this post wasn’t meant to offend anyone at all. This is just the way I felt I had to react in order to defend my identity, and other asexuals human beings.

For other interesting links and information on asexuality:

http://club-of-aces.deviantart.com/

http://asexualawarenessweek.com/index.html

http://asexualsexologist.wordpress.com/

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Third Time Around

I’m oh so glad we met the second time around…

Today’s post is pretty much going to be me rambling on. So, for starters, HAPPY THANKSGIVING BREAK! Actually, my break started at 10PM last night and lemme tell ya, it has felt good so far. I slept in this morning and it felt fantastic. Then I woke up feeling nice and refreshed and got on the scale. 178WUT?! Just the other day I was at 168! I weighed again and it went down to 174. I smell fluctuation, yes? I’ll have to get a more accurate starting weight, ehh x_x; TOM is coming soon, too, but maybe it really is all those TBell party packs coming back to bite me in the butt.

But you know what I have to say to that? WHATEVER!

I’ll work those random 6lbs off with the rest of em! I’m motivated. I’m renewed! That’s why I gave my blog a vibrant makeover. I also like the winter feel, cuz ya know, I like the winter. And it was good to me last year. Winter is when I lost the majority of my weight. But really, I think I’ve had the wrong attitude about my journey. I kept trying to “pick it back up”. Well, I have been stopping and starting for months now, and I’m tired of “picking it back up”. I need to just RESTART. Instead of looking at my starting weight as 234 I’m going to look at it as 174.2 *grumble mumble* (seriously… better starting weight to come). And from “~174.2″ my goal is to get to 130. That’s only 40lbs, come on now, I can rock that.

Oh! Awesome news. To give me another little kick, I got a membership at a gym. It isn’t the Y, and I’m feeling homesick because of it, but it IS 24 hours, which is AWESOME, and I got free classes with my one year membership which was $175. So… not bad? The cancellation fee is $100, so if that’s not motivation, idk what is! It is transferrable though. So if I get a wave of new money flowing in, I can pass it to my mom and she’ll pay me the difference and I can take up at the Y again. Darn the Y and it’s expensive non-24 hour havin self.

Anyhow, I’m in an awesome mood. My last post was like totally mopey and depressed, so lets just pretend that didn’t happen and get our forward lookin attitudes back. Tell me what you girls have been up to since I’ve been away? :D What goals have you accomplished? What are your currents stats? What are you struggling with? Inquiring minds wants to know :>

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First Snowfall

It’s been 2 months since my last post, which I am SUPER sorry about! But there has been so much going on in my life. I’ve been trying to keep up with school, I had to get through the biggest anime convention in Michigan, and I’ve been planning for cons next year. My great grandma passed away two weeks ago, so I had to get through the funeral. I’ve also taken up sewing (I haven’t actually sewn anything yet, but I’m trying to get into, so we’ll see how that goes). Not to mention my “love” life has transformed and exploded all over the place, so I’m trying to come to terms with that. So I guess that’s where I’ll start, since it is sort of the pivotal point that has inspired me to get back in touch with my athletic side.

Well, about a month ago I went in to get my bellybutton pierced (it is super cute, but I don’t think my body is responding well to the metal. They do take anywhere from 6 months- a year to heal, but it is coming along poorly). Anyhoodles, after it got done I told my piercer (piercist?) Josh that I was going to hang out at the shop for maybe ten or fifteen minutes just to see if I got lightheaded at all, and wait for it to pass so that I wouldn’t have any driving misshaps. Well, we sat around and talked for a pretty good while, and he was very forward with his advances. To be completely honest, I’m just not familiar with that. Seeing as how I spent my entire life with very poor body image, and frankly, I wasn’t the most attractive person when I was larger, mostly because I didn’t treat myself as such, and didn’t carry myself with confidence. But since my weight loss, I have been getting a lot more attention from guys, and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I already knew that I wasn’t a very sexual creature, asexual to be exact. And if you’re unfamiliar with the orientation, I would look into it, because it really isn’t as well-known as it should be.

Although Josh is a great guy, and a good friend of mine, I wasn’t able to respond to him in that sense. But it did bring up a lot of personal questions that I needed to reflect on. I think the whole “boy factor” was feeding into this vast expanse of anxieties that seemed to come at me at once. I think school stress played a part, as well as irritation caused by friends, and a lack of personal freetime. For a while there I was just sort of floundering in my own little world. It wasn’t detrimental physically, but mentally I felt like I’d reached some sort of breaking point. I think it showed in my interactions with people, because I found myself blowing up at everyone, for no good reasons. I would snap at them or just start yelling and it would get carried away to the point where I’d later feel guilty about it. But I was just constantly angry all the time, and I rarely settled down. It was just this constant stream of pissed off that I couldn’t break.

To add to that, I met another guy, Matt, who was even more forward with his come ons than Josh had been. I think that I had a great deal more response to Matt, but there was still this wall of indifference and unknowing. I was very uncertain in my actions and what I was allowing him to do, and I didn’t know whether or not I enjoyed the attention or resented it. After my first meeting with Matt ended on a awkward note, I was very, very nervous about meeting with him again one-on-one. I was able to push off our next meeting for maybe two or three weeks, during which he showed a lot of– what I believed to be– genuine emotions, and he tried (almost desperately) to win my favor. This all culminated this past Monday when he came to campus to see me. We ended up talking for a long time, one thing lead to another and yeah. Think we get the picture.

The day after I was in pretty decent spirits. I woke up with a go-getting attitude and ended up going out on my bike and making much healthier choices food wise. It wasn’t a bad day, it just sort of was. I think I was more hopeful than anything. I made the rounds and told the people closest to me what had happened, with the exception of my sissy who is proving to be quite difficult and is a little more judgmental. But my two best friends and my mom have supported me and the decision. I was actually looking forward to Wednesday, when Matt and I were supposed to get together again.

Well, Wednesday morning rolled around and I got the text that said he couldn’t make it that night, and it all sort of came to a halt. I think I have a lot of insecurities about the whole thing. I expected him to just walk away afterwards, and you know, it wouldn’t come as a shock to me, but I can’t help but be really mad about it. It’s not that it makes me sad. I mean, I would be hurt if that was the case, if he is really just a hit it and quit it type of guy, but instead of crying I’ve always been the type of person who just gets flaming angry and pissed. So now I’m using exercise as a way of venting those angry feelings. Because I just have to do something.

I don’t know if I’m just overreacting, or what. I’m giving it time and letting him be the one to get in touch with me. But if that doesn’t happen, well, we’ll see. I guess that would certainly ruin things.

All of you gals are much more experienced than I am, so maybe some advice or words of wisdom might help.

What I do know is that I think I’m back in action on my health front. I find solace and comfort in that lifestyle, and I need some escape from the stress and the anxiety and that’s the only way I can think of to do it. I mean, I was a triathlete. Embracing that powerful part of me is the only way that I can be in control of some part of my life right now. So I’ve just got to get back on track.

This mornnig I woke up (no texts from Matt) and decided to go out for a run. I was going to just do a quarter mile of walking and then running for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but I ended up running the full mile. When I got back to my house, it had just started to snow. I remember how positive and strong I used to feel when I was athletically engaged, and I’m trying to get back to that place. I just hope you girls are still out there with me!

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