Still on my sixth day. This diet and work out plan has been incredibly easy for me so far, though, I don’t want to jinx it. But I’m starting to understand why I got so big in the first place.
Now that I’m trying to get back in shape people either a) don’t care, b) are too busy to do anything with me, c) are too far away, or d) they don’t understand period. I feel like I’m limited in what I can do. I’ve been trying to make good use of workout at home, the DVD’s I already owned, some youtube videos, along with just using whatever techniques I could find in online articles. I’ve been going for my bike rides, and I think I am doing very well for not being in a class, or having a gym membership. That stuff can get pricey, and hey, I’m 18, unemployed, and in college, the money goes fast. When I try to get some variety into my schedule, I’m falling flat. I’d love to get out and go play tennis, but I have no one to play with. How many times can I hit a ball across a net and go pick it up? I’d like to go to the beach or go for walks, but I don’t effing want to go alone. Excuse me for being just a little self-conscious. That’s why I go for bike rides after 10pm, so no one can see me.
I do want to go to the gym, but I’m too insecure. No matter what people tell me, it doesn’t make my fears go away. I have a hard time doing anything in public. When I walk through my school, I feel enormous, and like everyone is staring at me and judging me for it. It’s hard to sit down in the desks there because they’re so little, and once I sit down, like hell I want to get back up and have everyone staring at my huge ass.
To top it off, my pseudo-husband told me today that he met a girl and has been talking to her. I want to be supportive, because he’s my best friend, I wouldn’t say that I’m angry per se, but I’m jealous. And that makes me feel alienated somehow. Now I don’t want to ask him to do anything with me because I’m afraid that I’m taking away from his time with her. I haven’t met her yet, but I’ve come to the conclusion that she is skinny and it’s just grinding away in the back of my mind.
I feel like I really am going at this 100% alone, and even though I knew that coming into it, today has just been crappy. And yeah, you know what, I have other stuff to do too. I have a 4 page paper for my English class due at 1:30 tomorrow. I’ve written maybe a page of it. I still have to cook dinner, cut up my fruit, and I’ve been so freaking gung ho about working out that I have completely blown off my other best friend. The last time I wrote for my own personal entertainment had to be months ago, and that makes me feel terrible too. So the people around me are busy, I’m busy too, but I still make room for this. I HAVE TO! Because you know what, I don’t want to sit there and let myself get up to 300 pounds and blame it on “oh I had homework”, “oh I had to do this”. I’m sorry but I can do both. I’m just that strong. But apparently I’m not strong enough to keep giving my all with no one around me backing me up. Verbal support can only do so much.
Last night I went to see my grandma. Her birthday is in early October and told her I wouldn’t be able to go out to eat with the family because it falls under my “No Dining Out Challenge”. It may be a stupid challenge, but it’s important to me, and I intend to keep it. In the past I’ve tried to tell myself these things, but I always ended up breaking the promise by telling myself “well this one won’t hurt” or “I don’t have a choice” I DO have a choice. After I explained that to her she told me, “We could go to Michigan Bar and Grill and you can get your steak and baked potato, that’s healthy”. That’s cool, but hey, my diet says no more than 4 ounces of meat, and no potatoes. So you know what, I think I’m going to listen to the diet instead. Apparently I did something wrong by all those steak and potatoes in my past. Unfortunately I’m the type of person that, if I go to a restaurant, I WILL order what I have ALWAYS ordered. I don’t like trying new foods, I get a specific thing everywhere I go, and no, they are not healthy. That’s why I made up this challenge.
So I offered to cook for her as my way of celebrating her birthday. I don’t know, she sort of looked at me like I was crazy? She asked me what I would cook and I told her I’ve been trying a lot of new healthy recipes that I find here on 3FC. I don’t think she was too thrilled but I guess I wouldn’t really want someone doing that on my birthday either.
Well, whatever. I just had to rant. It’s not going to change anything, but this isn’t going to stop me or deter me. I’ve said before that I’m not an emotional eater, and I’m really not. So my being upset hasn’t affected my diet any. In fact, I think I’ll take my frustration out on a WAP workout, and then hey, at 10pm I’ll go for my damn bike ride. And a walk. And perhaps I’ll get kidnapped (doubtful. No one steals fat girls).