Feeling…..

This last week has been sort of an emotional roller coaster and it was also the first time that I didn’t feel the need to turn to food to make me feel better or just to make the moment go away.

I had been in a great mood since Tuesday since I hit my lanemark 10lbs, I’ve been happy but I think the people around me have been even happier for me.

Thursday I met up with one of my best friends for dinner, we were trying out a new place which was part of Winterlicious.  It was amazingly good food and it wasn’t bad for me either.  I also stuck to water the whole night.  While we talking, I was telling her about the stress I had been under and that I was looking forward to April (background note, we had been talking back in November/December about possibly going away in April, once my term was done) so I mentioned I was looking forward to a month break and a possibly trip away.  It was at the very moment she broke the news to me that she didn’t think she could do that trip anymore.  My heart sank and broke inside.  I knew deep down that the trip was always a possibility and it was never set in stone.  I was upset, very upset but I wasn’t upset with her.  I was upset with my situation.

I don’t really have anyone to go away with, half of my close friends are school teachers so they have limited schedules.  My other friend is in school full time and its hard to go away with her and I have one other friend that I wouldn’t even dare go away with, we would butt heads the whole time.  I’m upset that I’m single, not that I’m looking for anyone at the moment, it’s more about the fact that it would be nice to have someone to go away with.  In that very moment when she told me she didn’t know if she could go, which I completely understand her reasons behind it, I just felt so alone in those few minutes and that those feelings continued into the rest of the evening for me.

Now the old me would have garbed some comfort food on my way home but I knew that wasn’t the answer, I had had a fabalous dinner and I didn’t want to ruin that.  Also, I realized it would be counter productive, I’ve been working so hard on myself that eating something I would consider comfort food won’t help me in the end.  I ended up going home and just reading a book.

I was feeling a little better on Friday but still a little off, did my best to keep my mind on different things.  I planned a mini date with a girlfriend of mine and we’re going to explore the city this coming weekend and I started to weigh my options of possibly going away on own or talking to my friend who is in school and seeing what she can afford.  By going into a different planning mode, its making me feel better and I’m not turning to food.

I didn’t misbehave this weekend, I stuck to my diet and tired to have a relaxing weekend.  I even survived the Super Bowl but that was easy since there wasn’t much junk food served.  Monday wasn’t that bad of day and Boot Camp kicked my ass, which is exactly what I needed.  I started to map out my February goal which is going to taking a make-up course.  Now I know that doesn’t sound to big but its something to me, making me more confidence in make up application.  I know the basics but I want to take it a step further.

I weighted myself this morning, 243.4, yes that is up a 1lb from last week but my period started yesterday, so 1lb isn’t that bad, its usually more.  This period seems to be having a different effect on me, I’m not my over-emotion self but I’m hungry none stop, had to pack some extra snacks today.

2 Comments so far

  1. dysfunctionalbarbie on February 7th, 2012

    Ah that dreadful “I’m all alone” feeling. I know it sucks, especially when you want to do things and everyone else’s scedule just doesn’t work around yours or you have friends who can’t afford it.

    I always told myself I wanted to backpack around europe and I will one day even if it’s by myself. I also set up a 6 months maintain plan and if I maintain at my goal weight I’m going to hawaii…I didn’t set this up to go with anyone else. I’m going alone if people happen to want to come, they come if not I’ll have my nifty camera and just go an enjoy a vacation by myself and maybe meet some new people along the way.

    Sure it sounds dangerous and really who wants to do something by themselves but the truth is I’m single and why should not having someone to go with stop me from doing something I really want to do! We’re all in this mindset that in order to do something we need a buddy system. F the buddy system and just go alone and make new friends along the way!

    In the end you’ll figure things out but good for you for not sabotaging yourself.

  2. Jessica on February 7th, 2012

    @ dysfunctionalbarbie You are exactly right. My mind set for April is I’m going to take the steps to allow myself to go away, if someone wants to come with me, then great. I would love to go with someone but I know how much I need a break so I’m just keeping my eye on the prize which is going away, even if it’s on my own. Half of the battle is not sabotaging myself, its hard. Thanks!!

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