Its not the jeans that make me look fat — its the FAT!!!

Same old story though I am just not feeling well — really not interested in eating but making bad choices when I do eat. Yesterday was horrible - had my breakfast and was sick after — so afraid to eat but got very very hungry about 11ish. I had my berries with little or no effect. Unfortunately my brain shut down about 30 minutes later and I ended up eating 1.5 slices of Hawaiian Pizza - stupid dumb and idiotic and I paid for it for most of the afternoon. By the time I got home at 5 I was ravenous and I had some popcorn — then again not interested in too much so I had toast — I haven’t input my calories I will in a bit I am hoping that from now until Tues I can keep my calories at my 2200 range — that way I won’t undo any good I did. I can look forward (I hope) to a month without too much angst. Having my son move in will be a good thing but its been a lot of work and some of it has been very emotional. I found many items that I had thought I had lost — most of them were albums and precious keepsakes from my late husband. I am usually quite stoic about finding things — but some of these brought back so many memories good and bad. Oh well move on.

Hi Z — thanks so much for the kind words — I love having you visit me.

Calories for 03/25 2412 Once again I got stupid last night and started to prowl - I wasn’t going to own all the calories on my handheld — I was sure I was up and over 3000 but its nice to see it wasn’t as horrid as I thought. Still not good — of course half way through the evening I started to feel not very good and lets just say each time I ate I got rid of it very soon after (sorry if that is TMI!! — but its my blog LOL). Same thing this morning so I am just drinking lots of water and avoiding milk products. I was quite pleased that I did own all the extra calories I ate - I could have very easily just ignored my little calculator — made like it was another day I couldn’t account for but I did it and glad I did. Well busy busy day at work lots of walking and hopefully the sun will come out — it was almost snowing on the way into work today but the western sky was blue and I believe that is the way they weather system is travelling west to east - lets hope.

Calories for 03/22 — no idea I got up to lunch and abandoned my best little friend. I sat and ate licorice and almonds until I was almost sick. No idea why - didn’t even feel good doing it. So I am starting back again after 18 really good days. Hey Joanne 18 is pretty good be proud of yourself — “ok I will”. I must be loopier than normal having a conversation with myself here. Of course last night I catch up with the TLC program “I Can Make You Thin” — I have to admit I agree with most of what he says. He has the four golden rules and as shocking as they might seem — its all common sense. I look forward to the next 4 shows and see what else he unlocks. I have been doing one of the lessons for a while. I only eat what I want — I loath rice cakes so I won’t have them. I will not sub “lite” mayo for regular - I just make do with less and account for the calories. I never realized that to make things “lite” it meant adding chemicals — so I chucked all that crap a long time ago. I have one light ceasar dressing but its all natural and it really tastes good. So we will see. Following some of his rule (as many as possible) and recording my calories might help me.

Lifestyle crashed over the last couple of days. Not horribly but enough to make me angry with myself. Went brain dead and bought the last package of mini eggs in the store yesterday - -it was a large size pack and of course I ate them all. Could leave any behind if I wanted to get back on track today — throw them out you say - -guess that could have been an option but I didn’t want to do that. Funny thing was I really didn’t enjoy them and eating all that sweet just made me crave savoury and I did something also last night I haven’t done forever. I had two pieces of bread and margarine. Crazy but I should get back to “normal” today. Another crazy weekend ahead but lets hope I behave better for my sake. It was an emotional busy busy weekend. We were cleaning up to get ready for my son to move in and I unearthed a few forgotten treasures and some lost items that are very precious to me. I had decided long ago that I was going to use this four day weekend to re-caulk my bathtub. So each day I spent about an hour scraping, cleaning and redoing the new caulk. I should be able to use the tub tomorrow morning - I just hope I did a good enough job and there are no leaks where that miserable dangerous mildew can grow. So lots of work was done — lots of good eating and some bad but I guess it all comes out in the wash. I also had a dream that I gained 14 pounds during my 18 days of being good -
Funny thing is that in remembering the numbers it would actually be a 6 pound weight loss so lets see what Friday brings — although I have to behave to have anything actually happen.

Calories for 03/20 1808 ok but not stellar and still no exercise. Yesterday was my mom’s third chemo treatment ( three to go) and I do find myself semi nervous - prowling for food — doing all I can to resist and I am snappy with people at work. I feel bad for the girl that shares the office with me I can usually hold back but yesterday I just had no tolerance and let her know. Quite honestly I was in the right but I could have handled it better. Four day weekend ahead and I will do my best to move and eat right to the best of my abilities and stay away from the chocolate!!!!!

Calories for 03/20 1764 was a pretty good day - not sure why but I did have the munchies in the evening. I went prowling even though I had a decent dinner. I made one bad choice but it didn’t put me over the 1800 so I am pleased with that but still angry in hindsight I could have choosen a much better “treat”. I haven’t prowled for ages and not sure why last night. Its when things are happening to me — I think I am in control but possibly (and this may be an excuse) my body is telling me something I don’t want to hear. Mom goes for her next treatment today — I don’t think this is bothering me but I know the next couple of weeks are going to be tense. I will keep an eye when we do the next treatment - see if I can avoid the prowling if it even happens.

Calories for 03/18 1745, high day yesterday and it was my fault. I treat myself once a week to a Starbucks skinny mocha. I usually take my own mug which holds a tall. I ran out and forgot my mug and also decided to get a grande (not sure why I think I “deserve” these treats). I know it wasn’t much more but it was 220 extra calories for the day. Actually I made two choices that added an extra 100 calories for the day. But once again I had my trusty calculator at my side and when I saw I was at 1300 calories before I even left work I knew I had to adjust my dinner. So I made the decision to have spagetti squash for my main dinner. I found a primavera pasta sauce on the weekend and the count was 60 calories for 1/2 cup. I only needed a 1/4 cup so I sort of saved the day. Now I just need to move more — I have a bit of a physical problem — nothing serious but it is preventing me from doing my classes. Because of that I went up and did more work in the store room so that helped to burn up some extra.

Calories for 03/17 2090 once again not completely sure about the calories but still feeling good about it. Did well all day — input all the food items and then had to input dinner. I had two scoops of stew — I should have eaten only one roll but they were so good and fresh and I rarely if ever have bread now it was a real treat. Bit of apple crisp and ice cream for dessert and that’s how I get up and over 1800 calories. Its still under the 2200 I need each day. I totally understand that if I eat like this every day all I will do is maintain the 250 pounds I am carrying around and that’s no good. So back down to lower levels until Saturday (dinner over at future MIL).

Ok Calorie business - yikes what a weekend!!
Calories for 03/15 1432 and amazingly 03/16 2432 and no I DID not plan that. Not quite too sure about the calories for the 16th. We had dinner out at my sweetie’s dad’s. First time we have ever done anything social with that side of the family. Nothing about the meal was lo-cal - and I couldn’t bring out my scale and measuring cups — especially for a first time social event. We had the joy of telling them about the engagement and invited them to the wedding. Not sure if they will come - but I hope so. I adore all my sweetie’s full siblings (four of them) but these two half siblings are just adorable — two really neat humans and I hope we can get to know them better. They are both quite a bit younger than my own son but we only get so much family on this earth and like I told them last night its good to get to know them.
I was thrilled that my calories were in a very good range for Sat — wasn’t even difficult. I was prepared for the dinner and just decided I scarfed down at least 1500 calories in the four hours we were there. Having stew tonight for St Patricks Day but I made it and its just meat and veggies — so can’t be too bad. And we are at my mom’s I will have zero problem bringing out the measuring cup.

Another spammer has stolen my blog — if you are reading this anywhere but directly from the 3FC site that SUCKS!!! 

Calories for 03/14 1685 pretty good day. And that included a huge blow up with my mom (I hate myself for that). But its been brewing for a few years and unfortunately that is one of my huge personality flaws I will let things build and build and build and then one day on the wrong day I explode. I went over with her groceries later in the evening and all is ok — but even though she claimed she never does this thing — she turned around and did it again Oh well families!!! This was the sort of thing that would have driven me to the nearest store to get chocolates — or pastries or anything. Anything to feed my angst. Didn’t need it yesterday and hopefully I will not turn to food again for comfort - I hope!!! I recognize the triggers and I am working on how to avoid it. I was hoping to get to my class yesterday but had to go pick up some stuff elsewhere on campus and when I got back to my storeroom to put them away I was shocked and dismayed at how horrible the state of the room was. So I spent the next hour sorting and stacking and knocking down boxes for recycle. I put that down as my exercise LOL. Love my guys to death - they are all great but can’t see past their own noses at what they are doing. Trouble working with engineering geniuses.

Calories for 03/13 1701 not a bad day considering for the last couple of days I have had a medical thing hanging over my head. I had blood tests on Saturday and got called back by the doctors office (I HATE THAT!!!). I had to do some figuring out to get there because of our car-pooling (won’t give that up) so it was handy my son is on campus — he drove me home and I made the appointment. The good news is my thyroid is beginning to work more efficiently so my meds are too high a dose right now. Which could account for my high blood pressure. The doctor lowered the dose and I go back for more tests in two months. Otherwise it was a great day — no big problems just looking forward to getting back to the gym next week. No meetings (I hope) and all the instructors will be there. My friend was supposed to teach the class on Wed and I was looking forward to it. She came home from Australia on Tues night with a raging case of pneummonia (sp) — poor thing. I just hope she got to enjoy some of her week in Australia - to go all that way for a short time and get sick just sucks.