i am still not on track. doing okay some days and not so great on others. i’m in a funk (again) since dad fell and i can’t seem to get OUT of it. i’m ready in my heart to get back on my plan but my head doesn’t want to DO it. how sad, i have been depressed and eating whatever feels good. how sad that i’m no one’s valentine. i’ve been divorced for over 9 years, so why now? hasn’t bothered me the whole time, but today for some reason it’s bothering me.
i’ve also been struggling with feeling like a failure in my life. specifically:
as a mother (i don’t have the finances or home to support my grown kids when they need me to)
as a daughter (i live far away from dad and STILL haven’t gotten his checkbook balanced..etc.)
as a friend (i have 2 really close friends, and a few sorta close friends. we never see each other except when one of them wants or needs something and i’m tired of that. so i’m ready to UNfriend them – but then i would have NO friends)
as a christian (my prayer life stinks, my bible study is rare and i am not in a permanent church because i find myself judging people when i try out new churches, how hypocritical am i?)
and as a person (i used to do things for neighbors and people who needed help, but i just can’t seem to drag out enough energy to DO things for people anymore.. i just focus on what i need to do to get thru the day… anything more is just too much for me)
so, that’s the whole truth.. i am surprised i even have the guts to post this. people who know me would say i’m a very upbeat person and easy going. that is true, to a degree. but no one really sees the dark side, the depression and the sadness and loneliness. i know now why i haven’t been able to stick to a diet more than 6 months – food is one friend who doesn’t judge what i wear, what i do, what i say, how much i make or don’t make, or what i look like. anyone relate?
so, as i promised in the beginning of this journey, i’m pouring it all out…. and hoping the days get better. it’s been 4 weeks now since i stopped trying to eat on plan. some days i stick with it pretty well, but most days i just don’t have the emotional energy to finish the day on plan. okay peeps. have a great day – hope someone is YOUR valentine and that you got something special that is NOT chocolate! xoxo
it’s like starting all over again. i do well in the mornings but by afternoon i’m ready to eat everything in the house. just did some shopping so i’m hoping that will help – having sliced turkey breast and lowfat foods in the house will hopefully help. gonna do this. i’m just tired of the struggle! i’ll let you know…xoxo
SPRING IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER …. AND THEN SUMMER FOLLOWS. ARE YOU READY??????
thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and notes. i flew home last night. dad is still doing okay but he is walking so very slowly – really dragging his feet rather than stepping but the PT guy said that is normal so i will be hopeful. he is eating okay and drinking okay, too. he was more talkative again – always special to hear. my youngest flew out for 2 days from alabama… a whirlwind trip… to see her grandfather before she can’t see him any more. smart choice – he called her by name and sang a song with me. very special for us.
he is coughing a lot – i’m concerned but the visiting nurse said his lungs sounded clear so i don’t know. i know every week that we have dad around is just precious. i won’t get to see him again until middle of march unless there is another medical emergency. just praying for him and thinking about him a lot.
on the diet side – i have been off plan for 3 weeks now – i’ve decided to not weigh in until next thursday, but i am going to be serious for the 10 days. today will be a transition day (transistioning from yummy restaurant and fast food…LOL… to fruits & vegs and homemade/home cooked healthy food!) as always, i’m not confident in myself that i will stick with it, but the difference is that THIS time the desire to continue hasn’t waned or diminished. i’m still as motivated to lose the 100 lbs as always and also to build muscle and slim the fat off. off i go to read all your blogs! hope you had a successful weekend! xoxo
in my heart i’m motivated to get back on track. the next 4 days won’t be great but i’m going to try to get back to lowcal & lowfat. won’t be able to workout til i get home and have the rower and bike and DVD and weights, etc. but i can walk as much as possible and i can eat lots of fruits and vegs and choose lowfat soups when we go out, or steamed rice and vegs with grilled chicken or shrimp. lots to do today and the day won’t end til 1 a.m. tonite. have a good thursday! xoxo
headed back to california tomorrow. diet is down the tubes for the 3rd week in a row – but i’m not going to give up. it’s just really hard with all the trips and cancelled trips; the dad things and everything else
we are headed into some unsettled territory soon – college money will be done with and we (neither of us) has a job yet, so..? God will provide – i just hope to do my part! i should be back ‘home’ on monday and will get back online then. have a GOOD weekend! xoxo
just a brief post – dad is back in his group home. he had the surgery, it went well, no infection (yet) and no fever. he was able to get up out of bed and walk 5 steps to a chair and sit (yesterday). i’ve been spending my time from morn til nite at the hospital and even later. the first nite til 130 am. the second nite till 1130 pm. etc. i am getting sleep because i chose to have dad pay for a hotel and rental car to go back and forth. i will have to justify that someday in the future but o well. i fly home today. dad is back in his board and care but hasn’t eaten more than maybe 3 or 5 tsp of food all week and very very very little fluids by mouth. he did drink about 5 tbsp of juice from his board and care – he was so happy to be ‘home’. we hired a sitter to be with him to help for the next 2 weeks – someone who will get him up and moving and keep offering drinks and food. please pray for the next step (healing & eating). as for MY eating – well. cafeteria food is not so great – or food on the run in the car. it’s all okay – we will get thru this, too. i just think we are in the final stretch and i’m stressed about that but will do my best. sending hugs to you all, thanks Cintia for the prayers! xoxo
got a call that dad fell at the group home and broke his hip. we were frantic. had to pack, get to the airport and get to san francisco last night. got here after struggles at the airport getting a flight and then trying to get a rental car and a hotel room. who knew there would be a convention? we got a boat of a car, a very expensive super 8 motel room and dad is still waiting for surgery. maybe this evening… a long day of being at the hospital waiting..eating hospital cafe food and waiting. now at the hotel waiting for the call that he’s going to surgery. then waiting some more… then back to the hotel for sleep, hopefully after being up till 2 am last night. thanks for prayers. xoxo will write more later ….
Happy Chinese New Year!
How to say Happy Chinese New Year in Chinese?
The most common Chinese ways of saying Happy New Year are Gong Xi Fa Cai (Mandarin) and Gong Hey Fat Choy (Cantonese). Even though the pronunciations are a little different, both are written the same way.
SO for everyone who didn’t keep their commitment to lose weight at the REGULAR new year, here’s your 2nd chance~~~!!! AND ITS ON A MONDAY! how perfect. start your new ‘diet’ or eating plan today! do it!
i’ve had a very stressful week – hate to make the excuses but it’s true. i probably went UP this week – the weather was awful, i was trapped inside for days on end. my non-diet daughter next door brought over pizza, bread sticks, chocolate, donuts, fancy cupcakes from a BellaBella, and burritos from a mexican place the past 5 days. o yeah baby. i ate it all. include 4 of the cupcakes…SOLO. all by myself. i was hungry??? so here it is.. another monday with weigh in on thursday. yikes. guess this is all part of the learning curve. i have told myself – surely i haven’t regained 35 lbs? LOL. so pick myself up and keep on going. i WILL do this. i’m not going to stop..i’m not. i have to yell it to myself all day long, i’m NOT going to be FAT for the rest of my life. so there.
time for some eggbeaters on toast… and fruit. and herbal tea. and a BIG glass of water…hahaha. i hope you are all having a more successful week than i have had. we still have some snow in the corners and in the shadey areas. the roads were very frosty this morning, too. i took pictures of the windshield which looked like feathery swirls all over. i don’t know if i can post them here, but i will try. the olympic mountains were glowing golden against the grey/blue sky and breathtaking! sparkling white with a new coating of snow – looked like someone had whitewashed them.
anyway, Gong Hey Fat Choy!
anyone else in the mid-winter doldrums? i sure am. i’m determined to change this cancelled trip into a benefit. i now have 2 more weeks before i try again and i’m hoping to be at the 40 lb loss mark before i go. isn’t that a good goal to strive for? here are some tips from the masters (people who have lost significant weight and kept it off for more than 3 years) from one of my bookshelf books:
- 1. stop seeing the way you are eating as dieting
- 2. survive the transition from loss to maintenance
- 3. see the beauty of lowfat eating
- 4. develop – and enjoy – new tastes in food
- 5. develop consistency in the way you eat (habits!)
- 6. keep track of what you eat
- 7. indulge occassionlly but spend your calories wisely
- 8. try to listen to your body (are you really hungry?)
i hope you all have a great weekend. we are still experiencing the tail end of the storm – high winds today, snow still slushy and everywhere on the roads and over 250,000 still without power in the pacific northwest! sending you all hugs~~~~~ !
another BUST! went to the hotel to catch the airporter bus. they came 45 min late, but it was an early bus so i figured i was right on time for the airport. well….. we found out the tacoma-narrows bridge was shut because huge chunks of ice were falling on the decks and fell on a car. this bridge links the olympic penninsula with the rest of the state and if you can’t get across it, you are stuck (well, you can take a ferry across but i was already on the bus). there was a backup waiting on hwy 16 on BOTH sides of the bridge. the airporter pulled off in gig harbor and sat for an hour. the kicker was the previous airporter bus was there sitting an hour before we got there. we were listening to radio news and they kept talking about the horrible accidents and weather. at around 4 pm i called my daughter to come get me (i was around 25 min from home) which she did. i was home around 5 pm and found out later the tacoma-narrows bridge opened back up around 6:40. my flight was delayed til 6 pm so i wouldn’t have made it anyway (AGAIN!) it was also foggy and raining (how can it do both?) stupid me, i should have known to NOT even attempt it again – it wasn’t meant to be. thankfully, i called expedia before the flight took off and they still exchanged it for free due to inclement weather. (the bridge closure, etc) so now i’m not going until february. i’m in a weird mood now – like frustrated and tired and on edge. ate 2 donuts because i was on the freezing bus waiting, then waiting at the hotel….. there was no place to eat anything – or anything healthful…. just thought i’d share the news. there were people at the hotel that had been there since wednesday because they were out of power. there are still over 250,000 people without power in the puget sound area. crazy. have a great weekend, everybody!
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