Losing Thoughts

Today makes one month since I started trying to lose weight.  I have lost seven pounds - which came off about 2 weeks ago. I have not lost anything since then, but I have not gained it back either, so that is not a terrible start. 

I have managed to stick with some important changes to my diet this month.  I gave up my morning donut or pastry and have switched to having low fat greek yogurt and granola for breakfast.  I have also been trying to stop my constant night time snacking.  While I still snack at night, I have generally been able either to limit my snack to one per night or if I have a binge attack, i have been snacking on low calorie options - like air popped popcorn or corn flakes or rice cakes.  Last night I ate 8 rice cakes while watching my husband consume a hugely caloric (but wonderful looking) lemon pudding cake.  So 8 rice cakes is not ideal, but I figure it’s better than the cake.

I have also started logging my calories and have begun to get an understanding of how many calories I am putting into myself even when i eat what I think are healthy foods.  My goal is to get down to 1500 calories a day.  Prior to this week I was logging in around 2000 per day - this week I have managed to keep it below 1800 hundred.

This week I am also trying to add in physical activity.  I used my treadmill for 1/2 an hour yesterday as well as going for a 45 minute walk.  Hopefully I can keep that up.

I would like to lose about 100 pounds and I realize I am in this for the long haul. 

First the good news - I lost 7 pounds my first week (as of last Thursday).  I know from experience that this is just bloat - I can lose up to 10 pounds in 2 days when I stop having dairy products, but this loss is a nice way to kick start my weight loss journey. 

The bad news is that I overate in a huge way on Saturday -  and I ate rather unhealthfully on Friday and Sunday too, although not that many calories. I’m scared to weigh myself and see if I gained the lost weight back.  Over the weekend I consumed a few slices of chocolate birthday cake (my brother’s) as well as 2 very fattening restaurant meals (Indian butter chicken and french toast for brunch). I also worked Sunday and had no time to eat anything but a chocolate bar all day - so not a lot of calories but not healthy either. 

Having visitors for the weekend as well as not having the time to eat healthfully at work are definitely both triggers for big time overeating.   Many times I have worked for about 9 hours, then felt faint from hunger and binged on chocolate.  Today I brought along healthy food and snacks to work and can hopefully keep myself under control

I’ll weigh myself again this Thursday and I’m hoping that I will have kept the weight loss and maybe gone down a little more.

Up until today I have had a good week - bringing my own healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks for work and eating only those items, no problem.  Today for some reason, while eating the same amount of calories that filled me up yesterday during the day (minus a small serving of yogurt) I feel like I am completely starving.  I ate a small amount of trail mix to combat the hunger, and it didn’t help.  I’m still  starving - and am ready to run screaming to the variety store for a chocolate bar.  Ugh!  

This has happened before I’ve even tried greatly reducing my calories. Yesterday I still ate 1900 calories, and a healthy amount so far today, so there is no reason for feeling like this.

I feel more upbeat and energetic today.  I have been counting my calories since last Thursday to make myself more mindful of what I eat.  I have also been trying to reduce dairy products (I am lactose intolerant but eat them anyways). As well, I have given up my morning donut/muffin coffee break from the local coffee shop when I am at work.  I have made some healthy muffins to eat instead, and so far I have stuck to this plan. 

As well, I am trying to end my nightime snack-fest which typically involves constant eating for 2-3 hours before I go to bed each night.  I eat compulsively at that time, so I have bought low calorie options to have for mindless snacking - popcorn and low calorie plain cereal.  I am also trying to have fruit during that time.  I am  addicted to Diet Coke, and would like to quit that habit, but I figure I will do that later in my diet process, because sipping a diet coke helps me not to snack and giving it up might encourage worse snacking at this point.

Starting to count calories is a real eye opener because a lot of foods that I assume are low calorie are actually loaded in calories, and I realize that I need to be very mindful about what I eat.

Rather than setting a low calorie goal for myself at this point, I started this process to see how many calories I actually consume in a day.  I am hoping to see a reduction in calories occur naturally as I continue to make healthy changes to my diet.  At some point I will likely need to set a calorie cap for the day, but right now I am going to see what changes I can make by tweaking my diet, without “starving” myself.

Yesterday I decided to start counting calories so that I can get a handle on how much I am actually eating.  I entered everything I ate yesterday into fitday.com and was astonished at how highly caloric some of the ”healthy” food I eat is.  My favourite lunch is to get tom yum noodle soup from a thai place in a nearby foodcourt.  The soup involves chicken broth, tofu, rice noodles and vegetabes.  I always assumed that it would be low calorie and healthy and felt virtuous when I had it for lunch.  Sadly I was greatly mistaken.

According to their website nutritional information the broth alone has 692 calories per meal sized serving, before adding in the noodles, tofu and veggies - which then takes it up over 1000 calories per serving!  That is insane for a bowl of soup.   Because the soup portion is so huge, I usually eat it over two days - which still makes my lunchtime bowl of soup about 510 calories!  I can’t even imagine why there are so many calories in the chicken broth.

Because the soup always seemed so virtuous, I would often have another snack at work later in the afternoon, like a muffin or sometimes a bag of popcorn - making the number of calories consumed ridiculous.

I am not amused!  I’m going to have to start making my own soup, I guess.

ACTION

I am going to start making some lifestyle changes RIGHT NOW.  Here are my goals for this week.  I will keep adding to them each week:

My two major problem eating areas are: work coffee breaks that involve eating a daily donut or cinnamon roll, and evening snacking - which involves eating snack after snack while watching TV in the evening.

1. No more donuts or cinnamon rolls for my coffee breaks at work.  I will try to bake healthy muffins or have a yogurt

2.  Only 1 night time snack - and make it a low calorie one.

REACTION

Here’s the navel gazing component of my goal setting.  My night time snacking has a strong emotional component.  Here is what my evening snacking does for me:

1. Soothes anxiety - when I am sitting at home in the evening, I feel a very strong compulsion to keep eating the whole time, and get anxious if I do not have something to eat.  Getting snack after snack keeps the anxiety at bay.

2. Keeps me awake.  I tend to be exhausted by evening and often fall asleep while trying to spend time with my husband, which drives him nuts.  Eating keeps me awake and allows me to interact with him and focus on movies/TV/conversations.

What are other ways to curb the anxiety?

1. chewing gum might help

2. doing something other than watching TV - playing a game, doing a craft

3. sipping tea or other low calorie drinks

4. go to bed earlier - but this would mean losing time with my husband because I get home from work so late and only have a short time alone with him late at night after our child goes to bed

I am good at making plans, and terrible at following through on them.  I have started many diets in my life, but have never managed to stay on one or keep off any weight I lost.  The last time I was reasonably slim was after I broke up with my boyfriend over 15 years ago, and was determined to show him - so I joined a gym and exercised feverishy while following a 1200 calorie a day diet - and lost maybe 30 pounds over 4 months.  The weight stayed off long enough for me to feel good about dating again and find a new boyfriend (my current husband).  Then a horribly stressful job and a variety of upsetting personal circumstances led to out of control eating and a rapid weight gain of probably close to 100 pounds (I did not have a scale at that point).  My weight has fluctuated between around 220 and 245 pounds ever since.  I don’t seem to get any heavier than that - and I never lose more than around 25 pounds before I put it all back on again.  I’m not sure what it would take - beyond a miracle - to get below 220 pounds.

Every time I start a diet I have the best intentions to make lifestyle changes that will allow me to lose 100+ pounds, and every time I fall off the wagon - sometimes after a few days, and sometimes after 2 months or so.

I wrote in my first blog post that a health professional once told me that my weight would all come off when I was ready for that to happen.  That has allowed me to wait for all my life problems to be resolved in such a way that the weight will magically drop off.  That comment has done me a disservice, but I wonder about the kernels of truth in it.  What needs to change in me emotionally and psychologically to be able to make long term lifestyle changes?  How do I become fully mindful of the negative impact my weight has on my life and on my family?

I now know that analyzing the problem ad nauseum does not work.  I am a navel gazer and in the past have spent hours journalling all my problems, neuroses and traumas in an attempt to understand why I overeat and why I am incapable of sticking to a diet (or anything else).   Gaining insight into my problems has never SOLVED those problems, and my belief that I have not solved the problems because I have not gotten to the root of them prevents me from making changes.

I am very passive and I like to wait for things to change rather than actively make changes.  This approach obviously does not work where my weight is concerned.

I now know that I have to MAKE PERMANENT CHANGES - which include eating much less and exercising regularly - regardless of what is going on in my life or whether I am fully aware of all my psychological baggage. 

I also need to make these changes even if I feel tired, sad, overwhelmed and even if my life is falling apart in a wide variety of ways.

I need to start making the changes today - right now.

I need to stick to my plan even if I cheat or fall off the wagon one day.

I often feel like I am the laziest person alive.  I need to pretend I have energy and motivation.

I do not want to continue like this.  I believe that my obesity makes me tired, but I know that many other factors contribute to the exhaustion and keep me stuck in my same lazy rut.  This is what I think I need to get myself back:

1. start exercising even though I’m exhausted

2. radically change my diet - more protein, less sweets and less snacks

3. spend some time on solitary hobbies instead of watching TV - such as playing piano, writing, art

4. stimulate my mind - take a course, read something technical in my field - work up to getting a more satisfying job

5. engage actively with my daughter - go hiking, swimming, skating, play at the park

6. reconnect with friends and start entertaining and going out sometimes

7. reconnect with my husband and have some time alone with him that does not involve flopping in front of the TV

8. See a doctor if none of this helps because there must be a medical cause for feeling like this

I NEED TO START DOING THESE THINGS EVEN THOUGH I FEEL TIRED AND ROTTEN. 

I am tired all the time.  This exhaustion keeps getting worse and has taken over a large part of my life.  When I am not working, all I want to do is sit in a chair and watch TV.  Right now I have no hobbies left.  I work, I take care of my daughter and I do household chores.  That is it. 

I used to be very different, even though I weighed the same as I do now.  Before having my daughter 8 years ago, I worked full time while completing a master’s degree and a professional certification.  I attended practicums for school in my evenings.  I also painted and engaged in creative writing.  My husband and I constantly went out, saw friends, hosted parties and went to the theatre, museums, etc.  Even after having a child, I continued to do school work, saw friends and constantly went out as a family on a wide variety of kid-friendly outings.  I always wanted to do things, and I would get antsy if there was ever a lazy day when we did not leave the house. 

Now I want to be lazy every day.  When my husband suggested going out for lunch for our anniversary, I agreed but secretly felt too tired and did not want to go.  I was home with my daughter yesterday and found myself spending the day wanting to rest and had to force myself to play games with her.  I used to take her out for hours each day and engage in a lot of activities with her.  I feek like a bad parent.

By the end of the evening every day I am so tired that I fall asleep in front of the TV and can barely drag myself to bed.  I can drink several caffeinated drinks late at night and still fall asleep easily.

I never feel like I get enough sleep.

I get very little exercise.

I am not mentally stimulated by my current job.

I only go out to take my daughter to activities  - I have no hobbies, activities or outings of my own.

My life has shrunk down to a level of nothingness that is hard to believe.  I don’t know how to get myself back.

This is the beginning of my transformation.  Everything needs to change - my attitude, the way I eat to feel better, the way I make excuses not to exercise and the way I mindlessy go through my life without ever thinking about the effect my behaviour has.  Years ago a health professional told me that I would lose weight when I was ready to lose weight.  Since then I have been waiting for that perfect time when all my other issues in life are resolved, where my self esteem is high and I am in a peaceful place and that extra weight all just drops off for ever.  I finally acknowledge that I will be dead before that day ever comes.  I am going to have to work hard to lose this weight, and somehow find the will and motivation to succeed.

Right now I weigh 236 pounds and I am 5 foot 4.  I have weighed somewhere between 225 and 245 pounds for the last 15 years, and have never been able to lose more than 20 pounds.  I am 42 years old and realize that I will never be young and slim and pretty.  Since turning 40 this weight has started to make me feel old.  My knees hurt when I walk and sometimes I have to hobble around after sitting for a long period of time.  I am constantly exhausted and have felt tired for years.  I have an eight year old daughter, and I want to be around to see her grow up.   I want to have the energy to do things with her more strenuous than watching movies and eating pizza.  I want her to have a good role model to teach her healthy eating habits so that she does not wind up like me.

I know that things need to change and I know that health problems can shorten my life and ruin my quality of life, but these things do not sink in at the moment when I am reaching for that chocolate bar or piece of cake.  I want the immediate gratification and have a hard time really comprehending the consequences of my action.

I am starting this blog to help me be more mindful and to begin this transformation.  I have not figured out all the details of how to lose this weight or learn to exercise more, but I am hoping it will all come together, starting now.